Time to move away from everything

Just got off a convo with a really close friend of mine and ended up in tears...

Basically what transpired in the msg was that there was a misscomm yesterday that made it seem like I didnt want my friend to be part of the band. Or that i wasnt keen at least.
Then to add on, it implied that if I was really keen on it, I would have done certain things already..

I know its vague..but this is what made me upset
- it made me seem like I was the one who didnt want him in the band
- that i was insensitive and didnt action where I should have
- That I didnt understand Him enough to know how important this was to him.
- I was destroying his dreams..when I know that He really wants to perform...

And all that combined made me feel like I could do nothing right to even support that dream... That I'm really just a lousy friend... When I KNOW how much He really wants this.. and that hurts the most..thinking that I would be blamed as the one who SHOULD HAVE supported him the most on this and yet wrecked it...
It eventually made me even question what kind of friend I am to all my other friends...

Im more angry with myself than with this friend of mine for what was said...because maybe I should have been more understanding and enthusiastic and forthgoing with helping him with his dreams. And i almost wonder whether i should just move away from him... cause him lesser grief.... and nvr get the opportunity to dissappoint him anymore.

It made me want to shy away from everyone.... save everyone the dissappointment shall we? I cant even love myself...how can I love anybodyelse or care for anybodyelse... honestly..

I'm tired of disappointing people....tired of dissappointing myself...

Hello 2019

How do I even begin to summarize 2018? How was it different from 2017?

2018 I saw my cousin Chris get married and David getting engaged. I finally understood what it mans to be in a relationship with someone and get married to the person...how much committment and self destruction it can take...but also how much strength needed to reconstruct...some strength that Im not even sure I have...

I learnt what I lacked and sometimes, how deep i can go to destroying myself...

I also learnt what motivates me.... craft...

I also got sick enough to know that I have to look after my health better..and start looking at being more independent...


2019:
a year of strengthening...

I feel like I've found abit more of myself but I lost a very very very good friend...we are drifting away from each other... and so is my heart... but i guess stuff like that is for the best.. I dont want to think more than will affect me...

This year, I want to aim for strengthening myself...if I cant be a better person, then I cant love anybody...if I cant learn to love myself, then I cant love others..

If I cant believe that God loves me, then I cant love myself...

letting things out of my chest...again

I gave up writing a long time ago..even gave up on writing songs a long time ago because all I could write was sadness and tears and heartache...
years later..Im still here..in this pit of almost tears...

1.5years since my last relationship and I have cried more and cried more frequently than the last one... Ive had more fear than never...Ive adored and loved and tolerated and forgiven and discovered myself more than ever....
I never felt more fear of loss than this one and the sick feeling I've gotten too many times. The hyperventilation..
I think having lost my heart to 2 people I held dearer than my own life...Im frail... I can feel the heart heaving... I really cant have this heart broken again.... theres no more happy song in me....

I cant bring myself to do anything related to him...which in turn makes it seem like Im bailing on all my dreams...but like the 1st one...I cant bring myself to do something and remember the one that got away and have my heart ache so much that I wished they were here....

I cant bring myself to recall his smell...sleep in his shirt...even if that would keep me at ease...

Ive developed such a paranoia that I cant be productive... nothing helps..not even beer, which I took to in the beginning....

I cant even bring myself to speak to him because if I sense that I annoy him or that he doesnt care....I bail..I dont want to be hated by him. That scares me as much as Imagining that He getting into medical problems from smoking....

Yet He triggers me so much just by saying things like "See you when I see you" or "it doesnt matter anymore" ...or when im trying to show concern, he turns around and questions me for something... it triggered me so much because its like he pushes me away...
As if me asking...was a foolish thing to do.... as if it was wrong for me to even bother...
When I say "take care.." I almost hear him say "no lah! Im gonna go home and kill myself" or if I say " have a good sleep",,that he's say "no lah! im gonna stay up all night and party!"
Makes me go...why did i bother....

I know he cares.. but maybe as sister..at least thats what it feels like sometimes. I know he tried to meet up before his trip to Japan...and I was sooo happy then...I just wished we could have another chance at this... but a small voice has been saying "he's just lonely and your one of his closest friends at the moment...."

I am partly angry, partly guilty, partly ashamed..I wished I was my old self without wondering if He'd still be in my life. I need him to know that I really want him in my life but not when I am in this state...I need to be away to get myself again...I need myself back...yet I know I cant be my old self coz My old self stinks..I want to be a Better me...but Im so tired of being strong....

I know I cant be the ideal person that he wants..I will never be perfect... and its true...love isnt everything and in a way..because of that...it scares both of us that maybe 1 day we'd fall out of love..and yet how can I dismiss that Ive had feelings for him since I knew him.... something in me knew that he was gonna be trouble to my heart.... But I still love him despite how he can easily break my heart in 2...or 2000 pieces.... He's taken me down whilst trying to build me up...and I feel useless despite knowing that I should be able to be better...

If I could only speak to God and ask Him how my life is meant to unfold...and whether he is in it....
Im tired of playing this game whilst others get to find their person and walk off hand in hand. Whilst I....I sit in the corner, hunched and crying over people who might have already "in their hearts" walked off hand in hand with their own lives.

Lord...save me.. from this broken heart...i hear it shattering slowly...

Thank you for being so sweet

every minute i get to spend with you might not be the best spent because we dnt always talk about serious stuff or engage each other..but Im glad its still time w u.
of all those years that we've known each other and stayed as friends, its really now that I know you as  a cool yet crazy, standoffish yet sometimes wanting attention, and being in your arms has been the best present that I could have. I dont see which other place Id rather be than there...

it hasn't been smooth sailing and I still can't believe thats we're only in march...less than a month after u came back from Japan and that 2 weeks when u were away, it was tough. not because i missed u. but because i felt like I couldn't read u ...and so i ended up over thinking...

but since u came back, its like everything went back to normal....

In fact we've now come to a stage where we joke with each other, lean into each other on the escalator, msg each other when we've reached home, msg each other good morning and good night...
the holding of hands in the cinema, him passing me his jacket when I'm cold, him remembering my fav japanese meal...
him fetching me from work etc...stuff i never saw him do till now...

am I pampered? maybe a bit... I dont get princess treatment though... u won't move mountains for me..but who can? but he keeps reminding me to better myself... not to make me feel small..but to motivate me to be better and think things differently.

So I thank you for being such an amazing person and letting me into your life... letting me see what was under that cool facade that I knew wasn't the only thing about you...

.....u confuse me...

dont we just confuse each other? sometimes we demand from each other stuff but we never say it to each other... some times we do something sweet to each other, only to realize that maybe the other person might not appreciate it..and that sucks...

we just confuse each other...

i cant help but wonder what would happen if I just didnt msg u for the whole day or whole week.... how far can I go before my heart finally gives in and sneaks a msg in...and whether that msg will get a favourable response from you. Or maybe vice versa, how long it would take before u sense something and just msg me to ask how I am....

or are we both "suffering" in silence..just coz we have not spoken abt it... because we should...

even if I might be called emotional... or in this case, maybe more female than I make myself out to be.

Im looking forward to a time that we can talk... face to face... coz i do miss u... 

All this feely stuff...so irrational...