It's very easy to mix these 3 up because they all involve recalling a negative event. But it is necessary to know the difference between the 3.
Why:
- As someone who shares her day with her loved one, I dont intend to complain but to recount/vent. I dont want to let my loved ones suffer the negative vibes from a complaint. So i need to be able to check myself.
- Knowing if something is a complaint/vent /recount, informs me of whether to listen and how to respond to the speaker.
- You also dont want to be misunderstood as a complainer when all you want to do is share your life experiences. It makes you consider shutting yourself in than speaking up.
For those whom we tell our stories to, we often dont need a solutions... we need a non-judgemental person to listen to us.
So after searching online, I found this online article..
https://www.boostcounseling.com/blog-2/complainingventingandprocessing
That tries to differentiate the three.
Complaining:
- We are sharing struggles, issues, and emotions with an air of judgment.
- Complaining involves blaming someone or something else for the way we feel. We are naming our struggle and sending the accountability of our struggles elsewhere.
- We feel there is a clear(ish) answer/solution but that it lies outside of our control. We are blaming external factors for the tough emotions. A common by product of complaining is helplessness. We feel we can’t change what has happened.
- After we complain we are, commonly, left with feeling the same emotions just dulled/numbed.
- We are trying to absolve ourselves of any accountability.
- Complaining leads to drama, gossip, and toxicity. We are trying to connect, but it’s not connection based upon our values. We’re actually “hot-wiring connection” by trying to get more people on our side (learn more about hot-wiring connection in Brené Brown’s work). There is a clear argument, and we feel we need others to agree with us.
Venting:
- Stream of consciousness sharing.
- We are focused on just getting the intense emotions out of our bodies. We are hoping by letting it out, we will feel better.
- We are not necessarily looking for solutions or getting anything from it. When we finish our venting, we can still feel helplessness. But the weight of what was inside, is usually no longer weighing on us.
- We aren’t necessarily taking accountability for the role we play or the choice/agency we have.
- When we vent, these same issues can pile back up because there’s not much awareness/integration with venting. It’s a release without reflection. We aren’t being intentional about working through the emotions we feel.
Processing
- Processing is the experience of exploring the tough emotions associated with the struggle as a way to reflect on and integrate the tough emotions.
- There may not be a solution, but we are able to feel relief as we explore, reflect, and engage with the struggles we are experiencing. We are doing this with someone else usually (a therapist, close friend, or boundaried family member).
- The person doesn’t need to solve anything for us—with processing we are needing a safe place not advice. And by them offering their empathy we are able to be seen in our struggle.
- We are able to get curious about cause, origin, and where to invest our energies (where we have choice in, seemingly, helpless situations). We are wanting to work through the feelings—knowing that there are not simple solutions to complex problems.
It does seem that processing is very different from the former 2. I wonder if recounting is any different as well, especially if we still have residual emotions attached tot eh incident when we recount. I think its really important for everyone to know to know the difference so that we can communicate without spreading more unnecessary negativity in the world. And not enough is mentioned about this.
