Even now

Had a catchup session with some ex students recently. I want to start by saying that Im thankful that some of my students have wanted to continue to have a friendship with me. And now more so than ever, I realize just how precious that is... it means that I did mak a good impact in their lives.

But as they were recounting to me stuff that had happened to them. Im again reminded of how even in an informal session like this, i have to be a student developer. Not because I miss my job, but because as these young ones continue to confide in me, i need to continue to be there as a mentor, role model, advisor. Thats is the most I can do for them.

I also realize that even after so many years of me being a student development officer, I still have a long way to go to being an reliable source of support. 

Me growing up in a time where tough love was the parenting style. No i never got caned, but i never had a loving home either. There werent many "i love you"s or "im proud of you"s going around. There wasnt much role modeling of how to be empathetic, there werent one to one talks about how to manage my emotions, how to decipher what my feelings were telling me.... I learned how to put emotions aside and just say" That's life. Man up" So it's so easy to revert to that when talking to the younger generation but times have changed and it's not right to use that school of thinking anymore, especially when it was never right to begin with. 

So in my conversation with these kids of mine, I realize how i had unknowingly dished out a seemingly "genderist" response to something that happened to one of them. Something along the lines of, 'its not the guy's fault but the girl's. And when these kids pointed this out to me, I gotta admit that I was surprised at how my response of "guys brains develop slower".... made it seem like what the guy had done was excusable and in this case, it CAN NOT be excusable. Me of all people.... What exactly was i thinking?

this incident and another 1-2 others (with other kids), is forcing me to wonder if i really am a good empathetic, level headed and objective person...Someone whom others can trust their vulnerability with...

I do know that one of what i have said ir dne was meant to belittle or hurt. Not intentionally..But it has left much regret. There is much more to learn on how to respond appropriately to sensitive topics/ situations... I don't think I'm there yet but I want to be...

Complaining Vs Venting Vs Recounting... the difference...

 It's very easy to mix these 3 up because they all involve recalling a negative event. But it is necessary to know the difference between the 3. 

Why:

- As someone who shares her day with her loved one, I dont intend to complain but to recount/vent. I dont want to let my loved ones suffer the negative vibes from a complaint. So i need to be able to check myself.

- Knowing if something is a complaint/vent /recount, informs me of whether to listen and how to respond to the speaker.

- You also dont want to be misunderstood as a complainer when all you want to do is share your life experiences. It makes you consider shutting yourself in than speaking up.

For those whom we tell our stories to, we often dont need a solutions... we need a non-judgemental person to listen to us.

So after searching online, I found this online article.. 

https://www.boostcounseling.com/blog-2/complainingventingandprocessing

That tries to differentiate the three.

Complaining:

- We are sharing struggles, issues, and emotions with an air of judgment.

- Complaining involves blaming someone or something else for the way we feel. We are naming our struggle and sending the accountability of our struggles elsewhere.

- We feel there is a clear(ish) answer/solution but that it lies outside of our control. We are blaming external factors for the tough emotions. A common by product of complaining is helplessness. We feel we can’t change what has happened.

- After we complain we are, commonly, left with feeling the same emotions just dulled/numbed.

- We are trying to absolve ourselves of any accountability.

- Complaining leads to drama, gossip, and toxicity. We are trying to connect, but it’s not connection based upon our values. We’re actually “hot-wiring connection” by trying to get more people on our side (learn more about hot-wiring connection in Brené Brown’s work). There is a clear argument, and we feel we need others to agree with us.  

Venting:

- Stream of consciousness sharing.

- We are focused on just getting the intense emotions out of our bodies. We are hoping by letting it out, we will feel better.

- We are not necessarily looking for solutions or getting anything from it. When we finish our venting, we can still feel helplessness. But the weight of what was inside, is usually no longer weighing on us.

- We aren’t necessarily taking accountability for the role we play or the choice/agency we have.

- When we vent, these same issues can pile back up because there’s not much awareness/integration with venting. It’s a release without reflection. We aren’t being intentional about working through the emotions we feel.

Processing

- Processing is the experience of exploring the tough emotions associated with the struggle as a way to reflect on and integrate the tough emotions.

- There may not be a solution, but we are able to feel relief as we explore, reflect, and engage with the struggles we are experiencing. We are doing this with someone else usually (a therapist, close friend, or boundaried family member).

- The person doesn’t need to solve anything for us—with processing we are needing a safe place not advice. And by them offering their empathy we are able to be seen in our struggle.

- We are able to get curious about cause, origin, and where to invest our energies (where we have choice in, seemingly, helpless situations). We are wanting to work through the feelings—knowing that there are not simple solutions to complex problems.

It does seem that processing is very different from the former 2. I wonder if recounting is any different as well, especially if we still have residual emotions attached tot eh incident when we recount. I think its really important for everyone to know to know the difference so that we can communicate without spreading more unnecessary negativity in the world. And not enough is mentioned about this.

Hello 2026

7 years since the last post and too much has changed. I barely even know where to begin.

This year, is truly a new year where I am a freelancer. It's been 8 months since I left SP and honestly I am relieved to have left. Lesser people to worry about and now I have to worry more about myself. I'm also very thankful that the last 8 months have been full of opportunities that I can not believe that I had. The question this year is whether the opportunities will keep coming.

Also, what direction am I going to take? Emcee? Technical Theatre? Crochet? Sewing?

The world has too many possibilities but it is also very scary.

The next question is also about my life stage... what now? Conversion? Marriage? 

I also have been wondering whether I do have some form of childhood trauma... that is affecting me subconsciously... meaning, i dont see it but everybodyelse sees it.

Lastly, I know my passion for youth is still there but do I really still want to engage them? Especially after finally getting out of the previous workplace?

So many questions and honestly i havnt given myself hte time and day to truly reflect and find an answer... or maybe that no matter how i think, its always just been thinking... dammit.

Time to put into action...

Time to move away from everything

Just got off a convo with a really close friend of mine and ended up in tears...

Basically what transpired in the msg was that there was a misscomm yesterday that made it seem like I didnt want my friend to be part of the band. Or that i wasnt keen at least.
Then to add on, it implied that if I was really keen on it, I would have done certain things already..

I know its vague..but this is what made me upset
- it made me seem like I was the one who didnt want him in the band
- that i was insensitive and didnt action where I should have
- That I didnt understand Him enough to know how important this was to him.
- I was destroying his dreams..when I know that He really wants to perform...

And all that combined made me feel like I could do nothing right to even support that dream... That I'm really just a lousy friend... When I KNOW how much He really wants this.. and that hurts the most..thinking that I would be blamed as the one who SHOULD HAVE supported him the most on this and yet wrecked it...
It eventually made me even question what kind of friend I am to all my other friends...

Im more angry with myself than with this friend of mine for what was said...because maybe I should have been more understanding and enthusiastic and forthgoing with helping him with his dreams. And i almost wonder whether i should just move away from him... cause him lesser grief.... and nvr get the opportunity to dissappoint him anymore.

It made me want to shy away from everyone.... save everyone the dissappointment shall we? I cant even love myself...how can I love anybodyelse or care for anybodyelse... honestly..

I'm tired of disappointing people....tired of dissappointing myself...

Hello 2019

How do I even begin to summarize 2018? How was it different from 2017?

2018 I saw my cousin Chris get married and David getting engaged. I finally understood what it mans to be in a relationship with someone and get married to the person...how much committment and self destruction it can take...but also how much strength needed to reconstruct...some strength that Im not even sure I have...

I learnt what I lacked and sometimes, how deep i can go to destroying myself...

I also learnt what motivates me.... craft...

I also got sick enough to know that I have to look after my health better..and start looking at being more independent...


2019:
a year of strengthening...

I feel like I've found abit more of myself but I lost a very very very good friend...we are drifting away from each other... and so is my heart... but i guess stuff like that is for the best.. I dont want to think more than will affect me...

This year, I want to aim for strengthening myself...if I cant be a better person, then I cant love anybody...if I cant learn to love myself, then I cant love others..

If I cant believe that God loves me, then I cant love myself...