Even now

Had a catchup session with some ex students recently. I want to start by saying that Im thankful that some of my students have wanted to continue to have a friendship with me. And now more so than ever, I realize just how precious that is... it means that I did mak a good impact in their lives.

But as they were recounting to me stuff that had happened to them. Im again reminded of how even in an informal session like this, i have to be a student developer. Not because I miss my job, but because as these young ones continue to confide in me, i need to continue to be there as a mentor, role model, advisor. Thats is the most I can do for them.

I also realize that even after so many years of me being a student development officer, I still have a long way to go to being an reliable source of support. 

Me growing up in a time where tough love was the parenting style. No i never got caned, but i never had a loving home either. There werent many "i love you"s or "im proud of you"s going around. There wasnt much role modeling of how to be empathetic, there werent one to one talks about how to manage my emotions, how to decipher what my feelings were telling me.... I learned how to put emotions aside and just say" That's life. Man up" So it's so easy to revert to that when talking to the younger generation but times have changed and it's not right to use that school of thinking anymore, especially when it was never right to begin with. 

So in my conversation with these kids of mine, I realize how i had unknowingly dished out a seemingly "genderist" response to something that happened to one of them. Something along the lines of, 'its not the guy's fault but the girl's. And when these kids pointed this out to me, I gotta admit that I was surprised at how my response of "guys brains develop slower".... made it seem like what the guy had done was excusable and in this case, it CAN NOT be excusable. Me of all people.... What exactly was i thinking?

this incident and another 1-2 others (with other kids), is forcing me to wonder if i really am a good empathetic, level headed and objective person...Someone whom others can trust their vulnerability with...

I do know that one of what i have said ir dne was meant to belittle or hurt. Not intentionally..But it has left much regret. There is much more to learn on how to respond appropriately to sensitive topics/ situations... I don't think I'm there yet but I want to be...

Complaining Vs Venting Vs Recounting... the difference...

 It's very easy to mix these 3 up because they all involve recalling a negative event. But it is necessary to know the difference between the 3. 

Why:

- As someone who shares her day with her loved one, I dont intend to complain but to recount/vent. I dont want to let my loved ones suffer the negative vibes from a complaint. So i need to be able to check myself.

- Knowing if something is a complaint/vent /recount, informs me of whether to listen and how to respond to the speaker.

- You also dont want to be misunderstood as a complainer when all you want to do is share your life experiences. It makes you consider shutting yourself in than speaking up.

For those whom we tell our stories to, we often dont need a solutions... we need a non-judgemental person to listen to us.

So after searching online, I found this online article.. 

https://www.boostcounseling.com/blog-2/complainingventingandprocessing

That tries to differentiate the three.

Complaining:

- We are sharing struggles, issues, and emotions with an air of judgment.

- Complaining involves blaming someone or something else for the way we feel. We are naming our struggle and sending the accountability of our struggles elsewhere.

- We feel there is a clear(ish) answer/solution but that it lies outside of our control. We are blaming external factors for the tough emotions. A common by product of complaining is helplessness. We feel we can’t change what has happened.

- After we complain we are, commonly, left with feeling the same emotions just dulled/numbed.

- We are trying to absolve ourselves of any accountability.

- Complaining leads to drama, gossip, and toxicity. We are trying to connect, but it’s not connection based upon our values. We’re actually “hot-wiring connection” by trying to get more people on our side (learn more about hot-wiring connection in Brené Brown’s work). There is a clear argument, and we feel we need others to agree with us.  

Venting:

- Stream of consciousness sharing.

- We are focused on just getting the intense emotions out of our bodies. We are hoping by letting it out, we will feel better.

- We are not necessarily looking for solutions or getting anything from it. When we finish our venting, we can still feel helplessness. But the weight of what was inside, is usually no longer weighing on us.

- We aren’t necessarily taking accountability for the role we play or the choice/agency we have.

- When we vent, these same issues can pile back up because there’s not much awareness/integration with venting. It’s a release without reflection. We aren’t being intentional about working through the emotions we feel.

Processing

- Processing is the experience of exploring the tough emotions associated with the struggle as a way to reflect on and integrate the tough emotions.

- There may not be a solution, but we are able to feel relief as we explore, reflect, and engage with the struggles we are experiencing. We are doing this with someone else usually (a therapist, close friend, or boundaried family member).

- The person doesn’t need to solve anything for us—with processing we are needing a safe place not advice. And by them offering their empathy we are able to be seen in our struggle.

- We are able to get curious about cause, origin, and where to invest our energies (where we have choice in, seemingly, helpless situations). We are wanting to work through the feelings—knowing that there are not simple solutions to complex problems.

It does seem that processing is very different from the former 2. I wonder if recounting is any different as well, especially if we still have residual emotions attached tot eh incident when we recount. I think its really important for everyone to know to know the difference so that we can communicate without spreading more unnecessary negativity in the world. And not enough is mentioned about this.

Hello 2026

7 years since the last post and too much has changed. I barely even know where to begin.

This year, is truly a new year where I am a freelancer. It's been 8 months since I left SP and honestly I am relieved to have left. Lesser people to worry about and now I have to worry more about myself. I'm also very thankful that the last 8 months have been full of opportunities that I can not believe that I had. The question this year is whether the opportunities will keep coming.

Also, what direction am I going to take? Emcee? Technical Theatre? Crochet? Sewing?

The world has too many possibilities but it is also very scary.

The next question is also about my life stage... what now? Conversion? Marriage? 

I also have been wondering whether I do have some form of childhood trauma... that is affecting me subconsciously... meaning, i dont see it but everybodyelse sees it.

Lastly, I know my passion for youth is still there but do I really still want to engage them? Especially after finally getting out of the previous workplace?

So many questions and honestly i havnt given myself hte time and day to truly reflect and find an answer... or maybe that no matter how i think, its always just been thinking... dammit.

Time to put into action...

Time to move away from everything

Just got off a convo with a really close friend of mine and ended up in tears...

Basically what transpired in the msg was that there was a misscomm yesterday that made it seem like I didnt want my friend to be part of the band. Or that i wasnt keen at least.
Then to add on, it implied that if I was really keen on it, I would have done certain things already..

I know its vague..but this is what made me upset
- it made me seem like I was the one who didnt want him in the band
- that i was insensitive and didnt action where I should have
- That I didnt understand Him enough to know how important this was to him.
- I was destroying his dreams..when I know that He really wants to perform...

And all that combined made me feel like I could do nothing right to even support that dream... That I'm really just a lousy friend... When I KNOW how much He really wants this.. and that hurts the most..thinking that I would be blamed as the one who SHOULD HAVE supported him the most on this and yet wrecked it...
It eventually made me even question what kind of friend I am to all my other friends...

Im more angry with myself than with this friend of mine for what was said...because maybe I should have been more understanding and enthusiastic and forthgoing with helping him with his dreams. And i almost wonder whether i should just move away from him... cause him lesser grief.... and nvr get the opportunity to dissappoint him anymore.

It made me want to shy away from everyone.... save everyone the dissappointment shall we? I cant even love myself...how can I love anybodyelse or care for anybodyelse... honestly..

I'm tired of disappointing people....tired of dissappointing myself...

Hello 2019

How do I even begin to summarize 2018? How was it different from 2017?

2018 I saw my cousin Chris get married and David getting engaged. I finally understood what it mans to be in a relationship with someone and get married to the person...how much committment and self destruction it can take...but also how much strength needed to reconstruct...some strength that Im not even sure I have...

I learnt what I lacked and sometimes, how deep i can go to destroying myself...

I also learnt what motivates me.... craft...

I also got sick enough to know that I have to look after my health better..and start looking at being more independent...


2019:
a year of strengthening...

I feel like I've found abit more of myself but I lost a very very very good friend...we are drifting away from each other... and so is my heart... but i guess stuff like that is for the best.. I dont want to think more than will affect me...

This year, I want to aim for strengthening myself...if I cant be a better person, then I cant love anybody...if I cant learn to love myself, then I cant love others..

If I cant believe that God loves me, then I cant love myself...

letting things out of my chest...again

I gave up writing a long time ago..even gave up on writing songs a long time ago because all I could write was sadness and tears and heartache...
years later..Im still here..in this pit of almost tears...

1.5years since my last relationship and I have cried more and cried more frequently than the last one... Ive had more fear than never...Ive adored and loved and tolerated and forgiven and discovered myself more than ever....
I never felt more fear of loss than this one and the sick feeling I've gotten too many times. The hyperventilation..
I think having lost my heart to 2 people I held dearer than my own life...Im frail... I can feel the heart heaving... I really cant have this heart broken again.... theres no more happy song in me....

I cant bring myself to do anything related to him...which in turn makes it seem like Im bailing on all my dreams...but like the 1st one...I cant bring myself to do something and remember the one that got away and have my heart ache so much that I wished they were here....

I cant bring myself to recall his smell...sleep in his shirt...even if that would keep me at ease...

Ive developed such a paranoia that I cant be productive... nothing helps..not even beer, which I took to in the beginning....

I cant even bring myself to speak to him because if I sense that I annoy him or that he doesnt care....I bail..I dont want to be hated by him. That scares me as much as Imagining that He getting into medical problems from smoking....

Yet He triggers me so much just by saying things like "See you when I see you" or "it doesnt matter anymore" ...or when im trying to show concern, he turns around and questions me for something... it triggered me so much because its like he pushes me away...
As if me asking...was a foolish thing to do.... as if it was wrong for me to even bother...
When I say "take care.." I almost hear him say "no lah! Im gonna go home and kill myself" or if I say " have a good sleep",,that he's say "no lah! im gonna stay up all night and party!"
Makes me go...why did i bother....

I know he cares.. but maybe as sister..at least thats what it feels like sometimes. I know he tried to meet up before his trip to Japan...and I was sooo happy then...I just wished we could have another chance at this... but a small voice has been saying "he's just lonely and your one of his closest friends at the moment...."

I am partly angry, partly guilty, partly ashamed..I wished I was my old self without wondering if He'd still be in my life. I need him to know that I really want him in my life but not when I am in this state...I need to be away to get myself again...I need myself back...yet I know I cant be my old self coz My old self stinks..I want to be a Better me...but Im so tired of being strong....

I know I cant be the ideal person that he wants..I will never be perfect... and its true...love isnt everything and in a way..because of that...it scares both of us that maybe 1 day we'd fall out of love..and yet how can I dismiss that Ive had feelings for him since I knew him.... something in me knew that he was gonna be trouble to my heart.... But I still love him despite how he can easily break my heart in 2...or 2000 pieces.... He's taken me down whilst trying to build me up...and I feel useless despite knowing that I should be able to be better...

If I could only speak to God and ask Him how my life is meant to unfold...and whether he is in it....
Im tired of playing this game whilst others get to find their person and walk off hand in hand. Whilst I....I sit in the corner, hunched and crying over people who might have already "in their hearts" walked off hand in hand with their own lives.

Lord...save me.. from this broken heart...i hear it shattering slowly...

Thank you for being so sweet

every minute i get to spend with you might not be the best spent because we dnt always talk about serious stuff or engage each other..but Im glad its still time w u.
of all those years that we've known each other and stayed as friends, its really now that I know you as  a cool yet crazy, standoffish yet sometimes wanting attention, and being in your arms has been the best present that I could have. I dont see which other place Id rather be than there...

it hasn't been smooth sailing and I still can't believe thats we're only in march...less than a month after u came back from Japan and that 2 weeks when u were away, it was tough. not because i missed u. but because i felt like I couldn't read u ...and so i ended up over thinking...

but since u came back, its like everything went back to normal....

In fact we've now come to a stage where we joke with each other, lean into each other on the escalator, msg each other when we've reached home, msg each other good morning and good night...
the holding of hands in the cinema, him passing me his jacket when I'm cold, him remembering my fav japanese meal...
him fetching me from work etc...stuff i never saw him do till now...

am I pampered? maybe a bit... I dont get princess treatment though... u won't move mountains for me..but who can? but he keeps reminding me to better myself... not to make me feel small..but to motivate me to be better and think things differently.

So I thank you for being such an amazing person and letting me into your life... letting me see what was under that cool facade that I knew wasn't the only thing about you...

.....u confuse me...

dont we just confuse each other? sometimes we demand from each other stuff but we never say it to each other... some times we do something sweet to each other, only to realize that maybe the other person might not appreciate it..and that sucks...

we just confuse each other...

i cant help but wonder what would happen if I just didnt msg u for the whole day or whole week.... how far can I go before my heart finally gives in and sneaks a msg in...and whether that msg will get a favourable response from you. Or maybe vice versa, how long it would take before u sense something and just msg me to ask how I am....

or are we both "suffering" in silence..just coz we have not spoken abt it... because we should...

even if I might be called emotional... or in this case, maybe more female than I make myself out to be.

Im looking forward to a time that we can talk... face to face... coz i do miss u... 

All this feely stuff...so irrational...

Count my blessings

after the months of struggling... mostly internal... I gotta count my blessings and be thankful that you're still around and we have a period of time that we say that we're "together"? Although I can't even begin to understand the concept of dating vs being in a relationship...

there are moments though that I know I still have problems dealing with..and thats finding the right method to show that I do care and I do love you. Without sounding like a broken record or a nagging elder...

u asked if i really loved you, or loved u for how u loved me... thats always been on my mind but i know that can never be proven 100%.

Yet here i am..frustrated by my own actions and how easily they might just not be enough to show that I do care aabout you..that i do love you.. Why do I bother?

Why does it make me feel just that bit sad, knowing that maybe you dont want to be sitting in my arms, coz it (to you) feels bit too girly? hahaha i get your point...but here's mine... because i value u and want to protect what i view as precious...even if u are independent and highly efficient in all the possible ways..and essentially really dont need me at all.....
I making a molehill into a mountain... but i actually see no need of me being in your life except that I'm allowed to be there...

Somehow i dont even think u need the emotional support..uve got all that covered too...

The sad truth is that i will never be high enough in your priority list to make a difference anyway... we have so many obstacles in front of us if we do get together...that i dont even have the confidence to say that we'll endure it. Coz it seems that u can live without me just fine and I will (sad and hard truth) eventually be able to live without u. How well I dont know but we're both not silly enough to die for each other. isn't it.

Yet at this very moment... as the many moments before...  the words "i love you baby" hang at the tip of my tongue. waiting for the right time to be said out, when theres a higher chance to hear " i love you too" echoed back at me.

This is me ranting... over thinking... When all I really should be doing now, is enjoying the sweetness of having your fingers within mine, sharing hugs, kissing u on your forehead, having the chance to rest my head on your chest. even if its for an indefinite time, even if I'm not sure whats gonna happen in the near future. I can only keep trying to understand u better...be there for you whilst trying to be lesser of a nag...

As usual, i miss u...terribly... and I love you.

God Bless

slow slow slow

Im so thankful that we still talk...Im thankful that u msged me and that we talked like we were close friends. Im thankful that u didnt give up on this friendship...
Honestly, I havnt given up..coz my heart hasnt died...
Our conversation peppered with affection that we shared, made for a sweet pseudo reconciliation. Im adamant about not having any expectations..just grabbing any chance to learn more abt you now...learn ur love language...

Im stubborn and so are my emotions... :/

I still miss u every day..I still think abt u every day... its true.

U make urself hard to forget... u make me want to pinch, bite and kick you for being so annoying... you make me cry and smile and love...

I never want to lose you...

We didn't end up together and I think eventually I will be fine with that... but thats not my biggest fear for us. My biggest fear is losing u entirely...

I'm the worst person to show my emotions, I dont have words to offer unless u ask and thank God u have. I thank God you have been the one who speaks to me..because if u didn't, I might not have cracked.

It doesn't matter as much to me that we dont work out..as long as we stay friends... I made a promise that I would always be there for you, as well as I can... Im not perfect to do that properly...but I will do my best.

The day I really do cry my eyes out...is when I lose you as a friend as well.... I dont want to lose you....

God Bless

healing God..give me healing

Sucks to be stuck at home with a swollen ankle..and a broken heart..

Cant recall the number of times I teared...

Cal reminded me about my reply to getting into this situation int eh first place...I told her that Id rather feel the love than not feel it at all... Id rather get the chance to love him than not love at all.

Which I did...I had that chance to play with his hair, give him kisses, hug him as tightly as I could, put my head on his shoulders...it was intoxicating... its a pity that it lasted only for awhile...but it was good while it lasted... does this mean that Im not over him? No... But i found a bright side...

I still dnt know how I will face him when the band meets...but I guess i will just have to figure it out.
Will I hug him? I hope so...

God I need your guidance and healing please.. this situation is just too painful for me....

stuck for now

New year firsts

might have broken my foot...spent the entire day at home coz i can't move..and IM stuck with words i can't say because the person I love is no longer by my side...

I feel miserable..I feel like this is a wasted day and I cant bring myself to feel better. And all I need is for him to message and say " let me in again" how selfish of me...but the truth is, I wanna say " let ME in again...I beg you" but my pride is so terrible...

I know such a heartache isn't worth dying over but I feel empty... so empty...like my heart isn't working anymore and I have no more songs left to sing..I have no more voice to sing now... I dnt feel the urge to sing anymore...

I feel so much gnawing pain not just on my foot, but in my heart....

I can't sing the songs we did anymore... they make it very painful for me..

Babe I miss you... I really do.... I can't imagine getting over this and still being sane...my fears have been heightened and every minute, one more brick gets laid for the new fortress and this time, it will be doubly thick.

Im holding my breathe for something that will never come!

I will never get to hold his hand, i will never get to feel his hugs, I will never get to play w his hair, I i will never get to watch him work or play with pride, knowing that he's mine..I will never get to feel all that....

I feel like bit of me is dead....

God Bless

Writing it all here...

The last time I plagued an ex of all my feelings and explanations, I felt lesser than myself after every email, after every of his emails..and maybe then I swore to myself that I would never wanna be such a big idiot.
But there needs to be an avenue for explanations or expression, so I'm gonna put it here...knowing that It is visible, yet in a sad way, Im almost glad that he doesn't read this blog at all....

Im heartbroken... disappointed. I want to say everything that I didn't have the courage to say before...but Im also wondering..wats the point... Maybe my fears have inhibited my motivation to say what I want to say...because I dont know if he's willing to listen. yet if I dont..I will always end up kicking my ass...

Now every time I think back of everything he's done for me that I never showed thanks for, I tear...
Truly whilst I know that I appreciated him for all that, i never showed enough of that thanks... and so to anyone who isn't me..I took him for granted.
I cry now because I feel like I can't say anything to him anymore..I have no right to...and I never had the right to...
All my insecurities that I was fighting against...I indirectly helped to fulfil....and now I question my own ability to love anyone at all...

My greatest fear....is me losing a friend who cares...I feel like this friend, this potential, this love..has been downgraded again..to acquaintance...and I can't imagine either of us having the energy to try and break the fortress wall that Ive once again put up... And all i see myself doing now..is walk away shamefully from something I had messed up...

Maybe from an outsiders eye, this seems natural..we just didn't fit... its the way of life...really? for a person I have had feelings for and tried so hard to suppress for 6years? the same person whom when i anticipate the arrival, my stomach does 360s? the same one who's slightest touch would send shivers down my spine?

Anyway the question he posed that really broke me was whether my love for him was really love for him or love for the love he gave me.
I wanted to break out in a loud resounding " of course I loved u for you" but he said "if u really loved someone, you;d find out every single thing about them" Did I? no I didn't...
My heart sank...and instantly I felt like all I believed was fake. And i gave in... if thats what u think about my love..then its best we parted anyway...
But I couldn't stop myself from thinking abut that question... I recounted every single moment from the years I first knew him till now...questioning whether each one was love for him or love for his love...whether every act of love was for him or for his love and i realised just how grey and overlapped these 2 categories are. I loved him but how do I only love him for him when part of him is the way he loved me. Do i love his messages? do I love him for his kisses? no I loved him for his patience, his want to make me laugh, his willingness to accommodate..
but even that is part of the way he loves no?
I love him for his street style, love him for his professionalism and maybe craziness at work, his dedication to his family, his dedication to music.... I liked him or loved him before the confession and so many times I thought of getting away from him because i was falling too deep...
before he loved me his way...

the other question act me not appreciating him enough..maybe..
i tried what i could within my obsessive fear of not being an annoyance to him during work...
I waited for him to be free to reply... that might have been my mistake.
I walked over when i could to ACJC, i went to his events and waited or tried to help, despite feeling very extra...
I looked forward to his messages, his emoticons etc

But I could never see his ways of love as that of real love...because I didn't know where we were in the grand scheme of things..I was too silly for all that...

So here I am barely keeping myself together because of my own inability and stupidity... thinking abut whether anyone out there would ever save me from myself... and whether Id ever do justice to the person for his love. And if I can't, then Im almost certain that I dont want to feel love again..

Thank you Bear

Thank you for the morning messages
Thank you for the silly emoticons that u put up to make me smile
Thank you for the music
Thank you for the motivation and prep talk
Thank you for never giving up
Thank you for the hugs and smiles
Thank you for whatever time we had
Thank you for whatever time u managed to squeeze out for me
Thank you for the gifts
Thank you for the safety
Thank you for sticking around
Thank you for being so patient
Thank you for being so considerate
Thank you for loving someone as ridiculous as me
Thank you for making me feel bit more than what I see in myself
Thank you for being the friend
Thank you for the love...

Im sorry for not having all the same things for you.....
Im sorry for maybe not loving you but loving the love you give me.

I can't say all this to u....coz Im still too scared...

A new beginning beckons a new ending, leads to a new beginning

We called it the end today. After not being able to sleep the entire night... The honest chat we had the night before, led to the end. Maybe it was inevitable..
Maybe we would never meet each other's expectations..maybe I was just too shit scared to show any forthcoming feelings..the n stepping back into my cave as long as I say dark clouds.. maybe it was all my fault. wanting yet not daring to step out... Im am the fox that got tamed in a way...then realising that The Little Prince had to leave... At this moment... Im still dealing with the loss.

It hurts...

Basically all the songs that we did for the band, is a trigger song... and thats 40songs.. :/

I guess I need to thank God that I have Open House to take my mind off things. I'm sure thats why so many people become workaholics.  I understand it now...

Thank you for the memories. Im sorry I didn't meet up to your expectations. Im sorry my expectations weren't realistic enough for you to meet. I was always a tall order...

I hope you find someone who would be that person to break through your workaholic tendencies of yours. I hope that same person would help u quit smoking and would be welcomed into your family with open arms.

As for me...once again I question my capabilities as a person who can love or deserves to love... maybe Im waiting for the next one to come in and break that same fortress that I now have to rebuild... extra fortified now...

I can't help thinking that Im sorry but what can I do when sorry doesn't work anymore?

I can't cry now because I have events happening. but i can't help thinking that I wish u would take me back...but I dont want to hurt you anymore than I have...thats why I agreed to step back.

And maybe ur right... maybe all my life Ive waited for someone to love me and not to love someone.
Although I can't always justify which is which... not to you..not to myself...

So what can I say now but I hope you live happily from now on. Love you Bear.

Silly Ning, Strong Ning

Spent the first few days of 2017 in deep thought. Right before it ended, I was in a situation that I knew would affect my 2017 greatly.

Ive been sooo silly last year. Letting my emotions take me on a fieldtrip to hell and back. I made terrible decisions and missed good opportunities... I let my fears pull me down and let my foolishness rule my days... I got off the track and couldnt get myself on for a long time. no matter how others tried to help. No I wasnt suicidal..but I was abit more depressed than before. I wrote entry after entry of depression in my journal..repeated words for the same situation, entry after entry like groundhog day... I gave up on many things to mull over something too silly...

This year I want to be in a better control of my emotions, my future, my skills, my health...

last year's turmultuous emotions have made it feel like a roller coaster ride that Im not sure if Im out of yet. Or just maybe, I've subconsciously hopped onto another scarier rollercoaster ride that hasnt even taken off yet....

This year I want to sort out many things.... both tangible and intangible. And Im not sure if I will be able to last through the year.

This year's resolution:
- be more independent
- be more emotionally stable and level headed
- be more physically active
- continue with the band and be a better, more independent band member
- write my songs, play my guitar, play my ukulele, learn abit more of the keyboard
- improve on my singing
- finally find someone... Im not holding my breathe for this one. Im not even gonna actively find one.
I just know that God will provide one if its his will to grant me one. And this person will break through any form of defence that I have.

God Bless

Lets start the reflections...

Its 11 more days till New Year... who knew that 2016 would be such an exciting year!

I cant even begin to list down all the things that have happened this year!
1) Europe trip with Sis and brother in law. A first in European soil and riding European trains!
2) New office space
3) Learning a new instrument (ukulele/tambourine)
4) 1st Night cycling
5) Breaking my wrist and having it in a cast
6) Seeing one of my dearest sistas get married
7) Piercing my ears
8) Delving into the realms of cider and beer
9) Performing in The Beacon and Timbre at Arts House
10) Helping at ACJC,
11) Calling a dance show at Fusionopolis
12) Realizing that maybe love might have been just a shoulder away. And that maybe its not possible to predict who you would or wouldnt love. Because life has a way of making sure that u eat your words.

Who needs theme parks really...

As for next year's resolutions... here's a short list
- improve on singing
- save more money
- swim, zumba, cycle and exercise more
- Be closer to God
- Learn to love again
- Keep in touch w Stage management & lighting and audio

1 word hangs in the back of my mind

I cant believe u managed to break through the hard shell... and now that u're in, theres never been a day that u dont do rounds around my head. I attribute my headaches and mood swings to you. You've made my months a rollercoaster ride...

But yet..I always end up finding myself smiling when I think of you...and u make me miss u every day... you make me fall asleep thinking of you and wake up hoping to hear from you...

I do feel abit pathetic.. for willingly wading in this pool of quick sand...

1 word hangs at the tip of my tongue... Babe/Love
And i wonder some times, when or if I will ever have that luxury/right of calling u that...

Of course this makes me almost shit scared that it could all be 1 sided..but whatever it is,   i guess i would try to look more towards the happiness i felt when this dream lasts.. than crying at what might not be mine.

Thank you for the love babe. Thank you making me feel like I am loved.

Good job..let me clap for you...

Good job Ning. You killed the one thing that made you happy because u let your temper get the better of you...now your heart is so bruised that it almost seems like it isnt beating...
like it was numb...
U always knew ur temper would hurt others...u always knew that you couldnt hold your tongue. Now you gone and destroyed it...come I clap for you...