Mon blues

Sun night I was turning and tossing in bed...somehow after watching Lust.Caution, I felt disturbed. Not by the fact that it was an NC16 movie..for blatant reasons...but its meaning..

How far do you go for your own ends or for the country..that you would sacrifice a friend? How far would you as teh friend...go for you? Why? because of country too? or because of you?

When you're in too deep..which side do you take? The cold ruthless good side? Or the loving evil side?

In life.. we always have to take sides...in this movie..the lead was the slave of both sides...so when u have evil on both sides? take the lesser evil.

Been fighting w faith and satan these few days...i feel liek i need to take control of my life when i know I need to leave things to god at times because worrying adds nothing to our stature...

Plus my faith still doesnt seem to work...my prayers even and i dont know why... I know this journey probably seems easier than it feels so maybe im not getting it...when i get there..i know that when i look back..id know how easy it is...

Anyway..every beginning of the year..Is et goals for myself butt hey never work coz i always forget them...trying man! trying!

I guess these days i still feel like I havnt gotten my life straightened out....I feel liek in my life I have soo much clutter that its getting hard to find my way or my aim...
I bet Im not the only one who thinks that but alot of them can still afford to buy time and stall and hide that fact. Alot of us even dont do what we want and end up in jobs we mumble about all day.. as if someone took to us w a knife and made us sign up for it.

Im lost now..feeling quite lost.. feel like wanna take 2-3 days off to think through..

In fact been thinking abt my past soo oftnet hat im getting demoralised by it hahaha bad ning! bad bad ning!

The end of a great birthday...

I told you how great i felt during birthdya and how (in a long time) i actually felt that i wanted the birthday to last...i think the past few days have been a harsh truth that birthdays dont last.

Today's lunchshow was wet...cats and dogs wet...we had a lunchshow for less than 70 paxs because it started to pour...and it continued to pour like hell. That drenched my day...

Then i had alot of meetings and trainings to go to that i was running arnd the whole day. only time i got to sit down at my office was...8.30-10am

I also got heartbroken by comperes. I admit im putting too much emotions onto comperes that my relationship with other clubs has never even been established...Im really bad at this...

For the past few trainings for comperes...I felt like the members werent committed...I felt that I didnt have their committement at all...except for a small group...
Im dissappointed...heartbroken...angry...betrayed...
Ive heard of club members wanting to quit but their making me want to quit....
They're making me want to scold them and shout at them and holler vulgarities at them..thats how vexed I am!

I think Im throwing in soo many ideas that I feel only I want to do it..everybody else things its a load of crap....

And the best part of all this!?!?! I feel like im whining like a teenager now! F!

Im soooo emotional abt it that Im tired out!

Im sooo tired! Im drained!

...................................

Halloween Nite

Met cal, edwin, naz for my birthday dinner at wala wala, only to realize that it was more than just 4 of us. Snowlin, arisya, Nabila, Khay, Ian, Ian Dmat, Deborah, James, Stephen, Amily..all came.

It was fun. :) I was really touched.

The highlight of the day was watching EIC perform. The lead guitarist was GOOD!!!! Im sooo impressed! He was dressed as a nerd on that day and that made his performance even more impressive! The way he played those rock tunes! His solo bits! Damn!
The bassist was jimi handrix and Rai (plays the chords) was dressed as Speedy Gonzales. Their frens came dressed as a dead soldier and a sanitary pad. *shrugs* go figure.

I got sabohed (as i expected) to go up and sing..and to sing by EIC...was like a huge honor and we did "I will survive"...i was sooooo nervous...i still shook 3omins after the performance.

AND that night ont eh way home, i felt sooo embarassed and disappointed w myself on how badly i did that song! If i thought anymore, Id get nightmares abt it!

Im really touched by allt he things my frens and students and family have done for me this year and Id say that this is my best birthday ever. :) I may have sounded or looked like I didnt want it..but its because i never felt htat birthday are meant to be celebrated by others..they dont have the duty to do it at least..so I dont bother telling people nor do i organise birthdays for myself. But i do like to plan surprises for my frens.

Cant wait to get the pics!

Today was another packed day. went to sch for SPARC ceremony, went to mandarin gardens to celebrate Gong gong's birthday, then went to esplanade for Avenue Q (which was really really funny!) and then raced to NP for NP ISC intl nite.

Im glad its only sat but i miss my birthday already. Think I could watch EIC perform forever haha

K I would love tot hank all who remembered my birthday. Ever wish counts and makes me wish I was there for you guys as much too. Thanks and God bless you and keep you safe & healthy in all ways!

God Bless

My Birthday

Fwah!..I survived 5 cakes, 1 monkey & handmade card, 1 ice cream brownie, 3 surprice attacks, a lot of hugs and a roar of cheers!

I dont think Id ever forget this day, this year.

Lunch was a good salmon sandwich and ice cream w brownie at ben & jerry's

5.30pm: my comperes invaded my office with a cake and 3 big candles. I fed all of them cake since there werent too many pple

8.00pm: my ISC ended the meeting with a surprise attack at FC5. They woke everone at FC5 up with loud cheers and the ISC cheer! Made me feel like everyone at FC5 was cheering for me.
Got a present and a beautiful selfmade card and cut cake for everyone.

8.45pm: surprice attack by a sista with chocolate banana cake, smoked slamon sandwich and roasted beef sandwich

9.30pm: went to friends place because they had a gathering for me. 1 cake

11.15pm: Family prepares hte last cake for the day, but im still burping on the past 3 cakes.


What can I say? Im blessed! I havnt been the best of friends or officers but yet they took the trouble to do all this. Im really touched and this is in fact he 1st time I wished my birthday never ends.

I know I wasnt int he most excited moods but I never was when its my birthday coz I never felt like it was something worth people's effort to celebrate..even if i wanted it.
So this year's 5 celebrations...was beyond me.
I didnt really tear but I was touched. I didnt know what to say..i dont really know what to say at all in these times..except maybe..Thanks for doing this for me...thanks for all this. u didnt have to get a cake but u did anyway and I totally appreciate it. Thanks for being here to celebrate for me. Thanks for your well wishes and thanks for your hugs.

Thanks guys! Thanks sooo much!

God Bless!

sunday lazy day

I think I need to get my drive back. Somwhere in me is a Ning who hasnt spoken for a long time...she has been lying dormant or subdued for awhile and every once in awhile..she pops up to ask the question I havnt asked myself often. "is life all that it is now?!?!"

Im at Obriens now, had lunch..been reading one fo my christian books (alot fo them unread) and I felt sooo at peace just reading them. How good is that!!! How good is it to feel at ease..

Yesterday, took a pic w Gurmit Singh at mediacorp for the new tv show he's hosting. :) I respect him for his talent! And as I sat with my comperes and we watched in awe at hte host...I turned to my student and said, "that is your goal"

Im tired today. And seriously feel like taking a break....maybe take leave again..hmmm

I may sound scary now...but i long to see God's image now...(its doesnt only happen when u die u know) and hear God's voice and personally hear Him tell me what to do with life...

K batt running flat. LOve all!

God Bless