Really need to not care

Scorpio and Friendship:

Relationships with Scorpio are always complicated, just like the person, their relationships are a series of extremes, they can even be downright moody for no apparent reason. Scorpios are known for their possessiveness and jealousy but on the other hand, they are extremely loyal. Scorpios have an excellent memory and combined with an inability to let things go, they can hold a grudge against someone who did them harm forever, in fact a Scorpio rarely if never forgives and forgets. They will even go as far as get vengeance on the person. On the other hand, they will always remember a kind gesture forever and repay it. Any kind selfless gesture done to a Scorpio will gain trust and respect which is extremely important to them in any relationship, either romantic or not. The best advice is to be honest with a Scorpio friend and in return, you will gain an amazing friend you will never forget and who will be loyal to you and never make false promises. Their truthful and shocking sense of humor if different than that of any other zodiac sign and the Scorpio makes an amazing, powerful interesting friend that can be trusted.
excerpt from http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/scorpio.htm

I guess the scorpio in me is really hard to deal with..and maybe that in itself has made me very awkward in front of those I like.

I really need to not care anymore. Not care about what and who interests him.Because afterall, he is just a brother right.
I obviously have no say at all.

I guess, with the times that I've told him to go find someone, that I should be happy that he does take a liking to someone. I should be happy. I should be overjoyed...

Need to find myself again..need to focus on what makes me happy again... Even if it means giving up on someone whom I treasure alot.

God Bless

need to watch my own emotions

been in a cast recently... fell whilst rollerblading and landed n my wrist. suspected fracture from the xray.

because of this silly thing...It got me thinking the same silly thing.

since the night that I fell, the 2 people closest to me whom id hoped would ask how im doing, didnt ask abt me at all... one of them affected me more than the other...

of course in the process of this, it made me question just how close they are to me..or how much i depend on them emotionally... obviously in this case, i depend on 1 more than the other.. and this difference shudnt be present if i regarded them both as brothers...

So its a double frustration knowing that whilst im abit annoyed by how the later's lack of response affects me more... that i shudnt have that difference and yet I cant control it... I cant control these feelings.... and it frustrates me sooo much to be annoyed at this person and yet not have a valid reason to be except fr my own silly emotions...

I dont want to love a person who doesnt know how to love... who speaks to me only on occassions where he needs help.. then there is no love involved... sigh

so as usual i go back to being cold for a week..to heal myself... because im just a silly thing altogether...

Just be satisfied with what i have now

I apologized...its as if all I needed was to apologize and admit that those demons that plagued me. were real... It was mostly the fear that Id lose you and everything I valued between us...

At numerous points in time, we were close enough for me to feel happy and blessed to have you..but when I realized just how shortlived they were and how quickly they could potentially mean lesser to you, I stepped back, I withdrew my hand and I kept to my corner and cried abit.

But after finally chatting and apologizing and admitting, its as if a huge boulder was lifted off my shoulders and the next we met, everything was almost back to normal.

I dont think u'd ever read this because I dont think you'd ever bother but if you ever do, and if you do come across this post, (and realize that its addressed to you) Then know that if I ever withdrew my hands, its not because I suddenly didnt care. Its because I cared too much and I thought too much...

One day I will lose you...to an amazing girl whom you will adore and love. whilst I know that I will always stay the sister...I dont exactly think that i will ever be ready to do so until that time comes..and I will cry because it will be sad but I will be equally happy for you.

Im trying not to shy away again. not after getting to a point where I can be my silly self around you. And I apologize for my irrational and erratic emotions.

Aside from my casual, grinned "I love you too" you have no idea how much that phrase actually means and I dont blame you. I could never bring myself to say it properly anyway and you could never bring yourself to say it too. afterall, "I care for you" is different from " I love you".

Anyway... Im happy where we are now. I'm happy that there is a childlike bond between us. That at some point, you could put your head on my shoulders and I could do the same... Im happy with that.

Ive lost you again and this time, I dont know if I will ever find you back...

The past few weeks have been quite tough..a few inner demons running around and making me possibly the unhappiest in this entire year...I just wasnt myself..

At this moment, I guess I can say that Im in a state of numbness... almost

Im about to..or maybe I am losing one of my best friends and my emotions make it hard for me to do anything but chase him away...

Im trying not to think of the really good moments (i feel) that I had with him because if I draw a comparison with that and now, I know that I'm losing something really precious and it would start choking me up... The tight hugs, the jostling, the laughs, the hanging out, the random poking, the random "I miss you", the random urge to annoy each other.
No more random asking him out for dinner...because now I dont really know if he wants to...my guilt or my thoughts would plague me and the dinner will turn into a stale affair.

But do I have to give this up? Coz it really does feel like Ive lost a bestest best bro all over again... over and over again...

I dont think this heart of mine could take this continuously... And times that I wished that my heart was cold... and that I didnt miss any of this.... but what can I say..I do love him.

I feel that I need to step away to get myself together but I dont know if we will ever be close friends again...or if we will ever be friends... Maybe yes I am thinking too much... but at this moment I cant change it.... I have to move away so that I can get my heart out of it's labyrinth...

Theres nothing I know that will help this except for turning to God...

God Bless

Do what makes you happy...

Sunday, I was haunted by a growing need to find out what makes me happy... somewhere along the way..I lost myself again. Arent we always doing this...

Since coming back, my happiness has fluctuated too often and too drastically...

After a long chat with a close friend, I'm reminded about how I am the only one who can make myself happy. nobody else can and should do it. 

So here I am again.... thinking about my life and finding my direction again...

i want to spend my time doing things that make me happy and are worth doing.

Not Pokemon Go or Seekers etc 

No roaming around and doing nothing...or lazing at macdonalds etc

God Bless