Its going down...

So I'm sensing that a conversation that I've been having with a close friend is finally coming to a slow random rate. Unlike the daily exchange we used to have.
I know its not the end of a friendship but I guess maybe I have no confidence that this friendship might last as long or as strong as I want it to. Nor would it be healthy to have daily conversations with a friend. Not this friend at least.
Of course, I say this emotionally. The rationale me knows that my normal friends and I dnt even chat that much so for this conversation to taper down to a slow speed, would be akin to just slowing down to a walking pace. Walking is what I normally do.
Maybe its that the conversation has brought about a subconscious developing of a habit. And now that it is tapering down, it means this habit that I've unknowingly developed will now have to be unlearnt. *shrugs*
That sucks..hmmm

God Bless

pretty clear now...

Recently, reestablished contact with my ex. I guess i never really lost contact with him...I just never really "spoke" to him. Speaking and talking is slightly different to me. Like hearing vs listening...
Anyway, I sent the first email and we started a conversation. By the end of it, I came to a realisation that maybe both of us may never be more than "just a friend"
I probably got it wrong..but after my conversation with him, it brought to mind the same topic that my friend and I were talking about recently.."Alone protects me"
I feel like the person I knew no longer exists in its entirety...only a shell left...
Of course I probably say this because I would be the last person he confides in...maybe...and vice versa.
times have changed...
But i felt sad..not because of the person I lost...but because (if it is true) of whats left of the person.

Maybe I am wrong and I hope so..because..it would be a pity to lose such a wonderful person.
Not the outer sociable shell... but the one inside...

Whilst clearing my room, I came across the old postcards he wrote to me...the loving words he used to write. I think I miss having those words written/said to me... or maybe even the heart of the person who wrote it...but not him.

The past gatherings seeing him interact with others and his emails, really made my heart settle... as the final confirmation...that this person is no longer the person i loved... RIP B.

of course to me, that is a good thing. :)

As for him, he will be to me as a friend from long ago. :)

God Bless

Protection...

Had a very close friend who spoke about being alone as a protection...
Protection from what?

Protection from breaking hearts? from falling? from insecurity? from the lose of control? from lose of clear thought? from uncontrollable feelings? from incessive thoughts? from happiness without a cause? from incessive smilling? from laughs? from really long deep conversations? from having someone aside from yourself understanding and caring for you? from silent hours of conversations? of throwing your cares to the wind.

or all of the above?

why are we so scared?

addiction

We all have it. I have one. One that cant be bought at no matter how high the price. One that im utterly dependent on and getting out of it..is as bad as getting out of smoking or alcohol.

This same addiction affects my friends and family and my relationship with them.

It leaves me miserable when I dont have it and every day i think about when it will come (because I have no control over it)

And when I get it, i feel sick with how I react to it and it doesnt reduce the damage at all.

It doesnt however harm the health.

Today..I start consciously cutting down on this addiction.

God bless

1 of my rare revelations

So tonight, I felt the need to walk off some thoughts. Took a slow walk to Thomson. Not he way, I had a chat w myself. Which is creepy to many but it really is one of the best ways to sort out one's thoughts because you won't let yourself lie to you.

I realise that i was actually scared to be different form those i deem close to me. My bests, my close friends, bros and sistas. I realise how much I feared doing something wrong or different.. I keep imagining that what I say/do or dont say/do, would affect their relationships with me.

And it made me question who I was..what's my stand? what defines me?

I kept thinking that maybe Im too insensitive/boring for my friends..that i won't be a great friend. One of those that people would remember as being a great friend whom is indispensable.

Then I asked myself why I would need to be scared about this....

Having these many friends isn't what defines me. Its not what makes me Ning.

But if thats the case.. What am I? Where do I fit in? Into the grand scheme of things?

Then I realised that maybe Im meant to be undefined..maybe Im meant to be multi-faceted so that I can fit into as many places as possible. Maybe Im a jigsaw piece......

And maybe Im a piece that has 4 sides (as per normal jigsaw puzzles) that might not seem to ave a clear design on my own...but when placed together with others, int eh right place, brings to light the understanding of the jigsaw puzzle...perfectly fitting into the whole grand scheme of things...

Maybe the ones whom have a clearer idea of who they are, are the side pieces. because of that they spend less time finding out who they are and are also confined to the sides. While the rest of us, have more than 4 sides to fit into. We spend more time wondering how we fit in but when we fit in, its perfect and we bring more people together.

Maybe I am meant to be unclear because I am meant to be malible for people to connect to. Yet my fear has made me so scared of disappointing others that Id rather be on my own because I can't disappoint myself...

I shudnt be scared of being me. I shunt be scared to be different and not have the right things to say....I will never be perfect and nobody will really view me as perfect except God (because of Jesus Christ) The humans who view me as being perfect/cool/amazing/awesome..are all seeing what God has given them. Not because of anything else I did. Who I am is the basis/base line from where I improve myself.

God Bless