As I picked out old photos of my auntie (who passed away last may) I cried. I wasnt there for her wake or cremation..And maybe..maybe because of that, I never got over it. There was not closure...
And hence, 1 year down the road.....Thinking of what she's done for the family in her own way...I know part of who i am is because of her..
Im supposed to be be speaking at her memorial service. I figure I might speak in tears and snot etc. And when Iw as asked to sing instead, my instant reaction was "how could I ever bring myself to sing if the thought of speaking about her would make me sob?"
Miss you Gugu...
On the flip side...
I ended something that Ive held on for toooooo long. Maybe its time I admitted that Ive held on to an almost dead friendship/relationship for the longest time. So today, I "unfriend"ed my ex and bestest best bro.... Makes me feel useless just doing it or waiting for so long to do it. but I did....
Without this last line...maybe I would finally not be affected....maybe I can finally put to rest that the person that I loved is dead...in a naive way..its like I've buried another loved one and maybe some day, i can face this person in a new light..as a stranger...and if we still had chemistry, to eventually be friends... Naive, idealistic...but with whatever hurt I had.....
It really isn't because I dont care about the person..but because I still do care too much... too much... And if I let myself do it, then it would be like digging out a grave and crying over someone again. I can't afford to do that...
So...(to the one I love) I dont know what I meant to you...but you meant the world to me and hostly speaking..you still do. If I can't see you in another light, I will never be able to treat you as purely a friend....Because I would always want us to be close...But I do know that that is no longer possible. And it still hurts. Rather than feeling all that every time I find out you're back, I have to step back. something I should have learnt to do when we first broke up....
Im sorry I caused you all that frustration and maybe even now..the awkwardness. I understand why I have to stay away from you and so I am enforcing this on myself too.
Take care and I hope you continue to have an amazing life because you are soo talented and smart and your heart shines like gold. Find a good girl to marry and have kids. Because you would make an amazing dad. You deserve all the happiness.
God Bless
