Tuesday, March 07, 2017

Thank you for being so sweet

every minute i get to spend with you might not be the best spent because we dnt always talk about serious stuff or engage each other..but Im glad its still time w u.
of all those years that we've known each other and stayed as friends, its really now that I know you as  a cool yet crazy, standoffish yet sometimes wanting attention, and being in your arms has been the best present that I could have. I dont see which other place Id rather be than there...

it hasn't been smooth sailing and I still can't believe thats we're only in march...less than a month after u came back from Japan and that 2 weeks when u were away, it was tough. not because i missed u. but because i felt like I couldn't read u ...and so i ended up over thinking...

but since u came back, its like everything went back to normal....

In fact we've now come to a stage where we joke with each other, lean into each other on the escalator, msg each other when we've reached home, msg each other good morning and good night...
the holding of hands in the cinema, him passing me his jacket when I'm cold, him remembering my fav japanese meal...
him fetching me from work etc...stuff i never saw him do till now...

am I pampered? maybe a bit... I dont get princess treatment though... u won't move mountains for me..but who can? but he keeps reminding me to better myself... not to make me feel small..but to motivate me to be better and think things differently.

So I thank you for being such an amazing person and letting me into your life... letting me see what was under that cool facade that I knew wasn't the only thing about you...

Wednesday, March 01, 2017

.....u confuse me...

dont we just confuse each other? sometimes we demand from each other stuff but we never say it to each other... some times we do something sweet to each other, only to realize that maybe the other person might not appreciate it..and that sucks...

we just confuse each other...

i cant help but wonder what would happen if I just didnt msg u for the whole day or whole week.... how far can I go before my heart finally gives in and sneaks a msg in...and whether that msg will get a favourable response from you. Or maybe vice versa, how long it would take before u sense something and just msg me to ask how I am....

or are we both "suffering" in silence..just coz we have not spoken abt it... because we should...

even if I might be called emotional... or in this case, maybe more female than I make myself out to be.

Im looking forward to a time that we can talk... face to face... coz i do miss u... 

All this feely stuff...so irrational...


Monday, February 27, 2017

Count my blessings

after the months of struggling... mostly internal... I gotta count my blessings and be thankful that you're still around and we have a period of time that we say that we're "together"? Although I can't even begin to understand the concept of dating vs being in a relationship...

there are moments though that I know I still have problems dealing with..and thats finding the right method to show that I do care and I do love you. Without sounding like a broken record or a nagging elder...

u asked if i really loved you, or loved u for how u loved me... thats always been on my mind but i know that can never be proven 100%.

Yet here i am..frustrated by my own actions and how easily they might just not be enough to show that I do care aabout you..that i do love you.. Why do I bother?

Why does it make me feel just that bit sad, knowing that maybe you dont want to be sitting in my arms, coz it (to you) feels bit too girly? hahaha i get your point...but here's mine... because i value u and want to protect what i view as precious...even if u are independent and highly efficient in all the possible ways..and essentially really dont need me at all.....
I making a molehill into a mountain... but i actually see no need of me being in your life except that I'm allowed to be there...

Somehow i dont even think u need the emotional support..uve got all that covered too...

The sad truth is that i will never be high enough in your priority list to make a difference anyway... we have so many obstacles in front of us if we do get together...that i dont even have the confidence to say that we'll endure it. Coz it seems that u can live without me just fine and I will (sad and hard truth) eventually be able to live without u. How well I dont know but we're both not silly enough to die for each other. isn't it.

Yet at this very moment... as the many moments before...  the words "i love you baby" hang at the tip of my tongue. waiting for the right time to be said out, when theres a higher chance to hear " i love you too" echoed back at me.

This is me ranting... over thinking... When all I really should be doing now, is enjoying the sweetness of having your fingers within mine, sharing hugs, kissing u on your forehead, having the chance to rest my head on your chest. even if its for an indefinite time, even if I'm not sure whats gonna happen in the near future. I can only keep trying to understand u better...be there for you whilst trying to be lesser of a nag...

As usual, i miss u...terribly... and I love you.

God Bless

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

slow slow slow

Im so thankful that we still talk...Im thankful that u msged me and that we talked like we were close friends. Im thankful that u didnt give up on this friendship...
Honestly, I havnt given up..coz my heart hasnt died...
Our conversation peppered with affection that we shared, made for a sweet pseudo reconciliation. Im adamant about not having any expectations..just grabbing any chance to learn more abt you now...learn ur love language...

Im stubborn and so are my emotions... :/

I still miss u every day..I still think abt u every day... its true.

U make urself hard to forget... u make me want to pinch, bite and kick you for being so annoying... you make me cry and smile and love...




Monday, January 09, 2017

I never want to lose you...

We didn't end up together and I think eventually I will be fine with that... but thats not my biggest fear for us. My biggest fear is losing u entirely...

I'm the worst person to show my emotions, I dont have words to offer unless u ask and thank God u have. I thank God you have been the one who speaks to me..because if u didn't, I might not have cracked.

It doesn't matter as much to me that we dont work out..as long as we stay friends... I made a promise that I would always be there for you, as well as I can... Im not perfect to do that properly...but I will do my best.

The day I really do cry my eyes out...is when I lose you as a friend as well.... I dont want to lose you....

God Bless