May is almost drawing to a close...this month has truly been a very taxing month for me...I can not say enough about how much strength my God has given me to overcome allt hat Ive done. No doubt I havent been able to do things well but Im glad that even now, I havnt fallen ill or given up.
I thank God for my clubs...I thank God that they're able to stand..I thank God for my bond with them that gets stronger...how it gets stronger I dont know....I can only attribute it to His guidance...His contribution to these kid's mentality...PRAISE HIM
Got scolding from Deputy Principal today...I know I deserve it in a away..and all other allegations abt me...but somehow this one...didnt affect me as much as I thought...most of it flowed off my back...not that i disregard it..but I didnt let his harsh and slightly unreasonable comment affect me more than I needed it to...
Today SPG had a performance at SP grad ceremony...and they did great! So proud of them! :)
Makes me embaraassed that I cant play w them... :/
Thanks Father for blessing my clubs..even when I feel Im a hindrance to their growth at times...
God Bless
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
Work
My entries for the past few times..have been all abt work...
This period is the worst time..may was the epiphany of labour...super busy and guess what! Its not over yet!
Till my chance to rest in june....I have 3 more events to settle.. Spore River Raft Race, Grad Ceremony, Open House...
Aside from which..comperes interview, sparc interview, string ensemble and guitarists camp, Moberly Lunch Concert etc...
I might slowly lose steam if I dont get help soon...
Out of all this..I know my Gos is awesome. :) He never lets me slip...in fact I do slip all the time but he never lets me fall and hurt myself. :)
Need to take a short break in june because I know I need it!
God Bless!
This period is the worst time..may was the epiphany of labour...super busy and guess what! Its not over yet!
Till my chance to rest in june....I have 3 more events to settle.. Spore River Raft Race, Grad Ceremony, Open House...
Aside from which..comperes interview, sparc interview, string ensemble and guitarists camp, Moberly Lunch Concert etc...
I might slowly lose steam if I dont get help soon...
Out of all this..I know my Gos is awesome. :) He never lets me slip...in fact I do slip all the time but he never lets me fall and hurt myself. :)
Need to take a short break in june because I know I need it!
God Bless!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Headache...
Once again Ive thought and worried till my migraine came back....
No point cursing or swearing..just find things abit messy that I would really love to step back for awhile..but i wont....I know I cant...
Head feeling heavy..love my students but feel like Im constantly trying to defend both sides of the coin...
Maybe Im not fully cut out for this job....sad...
God Bless
No point cursing or swearing..just find things abit messy that I would really love to step back for awhile..but i wont....I know I cant...
Head feeling heavy..love my students but feel like Im constantly trying to defend both sides of the coin...
Maybe Im not fully cut out for this job....sad...
God Bless
Monday, May 12, 2008
1 down...many more to go...
Maybe its coz Ive been soooo busy or tied up with other stuff that I've missed church and lost the feeling of how it feels like to be loved by Jesus...
After a grueling event after event after event...Moberly Launch is finally over...Every student I spoke to asked why Moberly was launched so late..they all thought it was launched a looonnnggg time ago. But whatever it is..since its now officially launched...its one less thing to do in my book.
Last 2 days (weekends) Met w my mum's family for mums day...went out w cousins etc..then went to YQ's birthday party.. then met my spse & spg students and went to arts friends to see art supplies. By the time I went home, I wanted sooo much to taek a fdew days off to do some art stuff that I havnt done for a long time...
Emm..so now im in the office again..damn tired but Im sooo damn glad that Moberly Launch is over but I know SRRR is coming and Grad Ceremony is coming and Lunch Concerts are coming....My goodness! Events dont end!
By now..I know I owe alot fo students an apology...I know I owe alot fo them alot fo thank yous and I somehow think that simple thank yous dont work now...coz if it was me...Id have said, "whatever!" by now...haiz...
I really need strength and peace from God...I feel like I could keel over anytime soon or my heart could stop anytime soon....haiz
God Bless
After a grueling event after event after event...Moberly Launch is finally over...Every student I spoke to asked why Moberly was launched so late..they all thought it was launched a looonnnggg time ago. But whatever it is..since its now officially launched...its one less thing to do in my book.
Last 2 days (weekends) Met w my mum's family for mums day...went out w cousins etc..then went to YQ's birthday party.. then met my spse & spg students and went to arts friends to see art supplies. By the time I went home, I wanted sooo much to taek a fdew days off to do some art stuff that I havnt done for a long time...
Emm..so now im in the office again..damn tired but Im sooo damn glad that Moberly Launch is over but I know SRRR is coming and Grad Ceremony is coming and Lunch Concerts are coming....My goodness! Events dont end!
By now..I know I owe alot fo students an apology...I know I owe alot fo them alot fo thank yous and I somehow think that simple thank yous dont work now...coz if it was me...Id have said, "whatever!" by now...haiz...
I really need strength and peace from God...I feel like I could keel over anytime soon or my heart could stop anytime soon....haiz
God Bless
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
very very very very tired
following from my last entry... the only thing I found comforting..was that I could get out fot he office on wed, head down to perhentian for a long relaxing trip. My main goal in that trip...was to reclaim the peace I had lost throughout the cca showcase...get rid of the depression I almost lapsed into...and find God's love for me.
I think cca showcase made me lose heart in God's voice..it was then that I fought the most with will and with emotions and fought hard I did...on my own. It was sooo hard to remind myself that My Lord Jesus...was with me every step..even as I waited for my student to pick up teh phone..even after my 14 missed calls..and I sat outside the sound room...scared to press a button...for fear that the whole event ont he next day would be a failure by a wrong flip of a switch..it was through this event that I felt like I was a failure in organising events...yes it takes experience...so what do I have?
I thank God that my clubs have been patient with me....its slow but I see progress in my clubs...the standards..the bonding...the leadership..none of it because of me..and all of it I refuse to take credit in...or rather I shouldnt take credit in..even if the pride in me wanted to.
Its been tought getting this far though. Comperes is slowly floating up again...sadly we had a fwe members leave us. My only regret was not being sensitive to their needs...or maybe not having the motherly instincts to see wavering committements or weary hearts..and now htat they are gone..my heart grows wearier...
Today as I walked back..I asked myself if I was being too demanding to my clubs by setting a high standard for them...am I wearing them out....or am I right to give them a bigger goal to break out of their normal ways and try out bigger things...knowing that the whole dept or at least the heads...dont think we can do it....I honestly hate the narrow mindedness of the older.
Atr the same time...teh same people we try to get together...claim that we are "nationalist"
Honestly..I am tired. maybe not tired like the students who have 5-6 modules a semester..tests and exams and projects...but i have 9 clubs...arnd 2 events per month, financial/administrative concerns, moberly block and theatre@Moberly weekly concerts to worry about....and end of may has 2 super big events...Spore Poly River Raft Race & Graduation Ceremony...
Dpesnt that at least make me as busy as any other student in SP?
I havnt had a dayt hat I felt good going to work..in a long time...I havnt laughed heartily for a long time too...how sad...
yesterday's dinner w Ian, stephen & franceen was a dinner I had looked forward to for teh longest time...knowing that I could be my silliest and happiest at the same time...maybe a part of me felt like I had travelled back in time to the days that we all had dinner /supper after my work and I didnt feel as much stress then...
anyway..today was draining in all sense of the word and I figure the only way I cud survive may....is by learning how to get God's peace that passeth understanding...
Lord..aside from you...nobody else in this entire world knows how constricted my heart is right now, how low my body frame has sunk from its original confident posture, how broken my voice can get the moment my fears gang up against me in my mind, and how broken my heart is seeing that things dont work out..lastly..how scared I am..thinking that I'm not good at all in what Im supposed to do...Even if I had the will to explain to anyone out there..about how I felt..I could never put them all in words...how do I? How do I bring my heart and mind out...wring them dry off emotions...collect it all in a pail and peace the words together to form sentences...how? Maybe Virgina Woolf (famous writer) committed suicide because she found no more relief in stringing words together...like allt here is for a genius to convey....is already conveyed and all forms of written expressions have already been said, all analogies already explained, all examples already mentioned and all quotes already quoted..when all words fail you..then what? Lord...you alone know...how much I fight against myself to be the better one I hope to be..and how much I berate myself for being the person I dont want to be...
Maybe out of all that gives way and resigns to dissappointments and quits fighting on and loses its meaning...I might consider doing the same. Not give up on life...but give up on fighting for something that a human would deem to big to fight...maybe something bigger than Goliath...somethign even David cant sling a rock at and kill.
If condemnation could kill as cindemnation & stress is the root of all problems....then I would pretty soon be there... Haiz
Lord, thank you for that rainbow you made for me at the waterfall...it is etched in my mind because of this rareness in such a place...thank you for the grandeur of the waterfallt hat took my breathe away and reminded me of how detailed your craftmanship is that all things n this world could work as clockwork.
God Bless
I think cca showcase made me lose heart in God's voice..it was then that I fought the most with will and with emotions and fought hard I did...on my own. It was sooo hard to remind myself that My Lord Jesus...was with me every step..even as I waited for my student to pick up teh phone..even after my 14 missed calls..and I sat outside the sound room...scared to press a button...for fear that the whole event ont he next day would be a failure by a wrong flip of a switch..it was through this event that I felt like I was a failure in organising events...yes it takes experience...so what do I have?
I thank God that my clubs have been patient with me....its slow but I see progress in my clubs...the standards..the bonding...the leadership..none of it because of me..and all of it I refuse to take credit in...or rather I shouldnt take credit in..even if the pride in me wanted to.
Its been tought getting this far though. Comperes is slowly floating up again...sadly we had a fwe members leave us. My only regret was not being sensitive to their needs...or maybe not having the motherly instincts to see wavering committements or weary hearts..and now htat they are gone..my heart grows wearier...
Today as I walked back..I asked myself if I was being too demanding to my clubs by setting a high standard for them...am I wearing them out....or am I right to give them a bigger goal to break out of their normal ways and try out bigger things...knowing that the whole dept or at least the heads...dont think we can do it....I honestly hate the narrow mindedness of the older.
Atr the same time...teh same people we try to get together...claim that we are "nationalist"
Honestly..I am tired. maybe not tired like the students who have 5-6 modules a semester..tests and exams and projects...but i have 9 clubs...arnd 2 events per month, financial/administrative concerns, moberly block and theatre@Moberly weekly concerts to worry about....and end of may has 2 super big events...Spore Poly River Raft Race & Graduation Ceremony...
Dpesnt that at least make me as busy as any other student in SP?
I havnt had a dayt hat I felt good going to work..in a long time...I havnt laughed heartily for a long time too...how sad...
yesterday's dinner w Ian, stephen & franceen was a dinner I had looked forward to for teh longest time...knowing that I could be my silliest and happiest at the same time...maybe a part of me felt like I had travelled back in time to the days that we all had dinner /supper after my work and I didnt feel as much stress then...
anyway..today was draining in all sense of the word and I figure the only way I cud survive may....is by learning how to get God's peace that passeth understanding...
Lord..aside from you...nobody else in this entire world knows how constricted my heart is right now, how low my body frame has sunk from its original confident posture, how broken my voice can get the moment my fears gang up against me in my mind, and how broken my heart is seeing that things dont work out..lastly..how scared I am..thinking that I'm not good at all in what Im supposed to do...Even if I had the will to explain to anyone out there..about how I felt..I could never put them all in words...how do I? How do I bring my heart and mind out...wring them dry off emotions...collect it all in a pail and peace the words together to form sentences...how? Maybe Virgina Woolf (famous writer) committed suicide because she found no more relief in stringing words together...like allt here is for a genius to convey....is already conveyed and all forms of written expressions have already been said, all analogies already explained, all examples already mentioned and all quotes already quoted..when all words fail you..then what? Lord...you alone know...how much I fight against myself to be the better one I hope to be..and how much I berate myself for being the person I dont want to be...
Maybe out of all that gives way and resigns to dissappointments and quits fighting on and loses its meaning...I might consider doing the same. Not give up on life...but give up on fighting for something that a human would deem to big to fight...maybe something bigger than Goliath...somethign even David cant sling a rock at and kill.
If condemnation could kill as cindemnation & stress is the root of all problems....then I would pretty soon be there... Haiz
Lord, thank you for that rainbow you made for me at the waterfall...it is etched in my mind because of this rareness in such a place...thank you for the grandeur of the waterfallt hat took my breathe away and reminded me of how detailed your craftmanship is that all things n this world could work as clockwork.
God Bless
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)