Forgive me for my utter irritation at everything now...I finally realize that I have such a short temper...so short that I dont even know how to measure it....There are times that I just get sooo irritated easily that I literally have to scold myself for being such a bitch! Was washing the dishes today and my fingers hurt because it had cuts. At that point I really had to control my temper man! I was sick of cleaning dishes and not to mention...dead tired. All i wanted to do was go into my room. But what kept me going, was my inner "ning" scolding me and telling me to finish up the dishes no matter how tired because "ur mum has been working the whole day and is dead tired and hot as well" So the least i can do is share the load...if only you heard my brain. i was literally cursing myself!
Another thin g i realized is how bloody lazy i am. The 2 skirts i just bought, leaked colour (dont know what u call it) when it was being washed. My sister's pants turned...blue. My mum was telling me not to buy these kind of clothes again but honestly, their the only ones i like to wear and my mum knows they lose colour to start with. Now i can bitch abt this the whole night but it really just boils down to one thing. If i wanted to get something like this, I have to wash it myself.....sigh...Im such an irritating lazy bum...
PLUS, my table is in an earthquake of a mess that Im just constantly getting pissed at myself while i walk around the house!!! Ahhhhh...dont laugh. its really nt funny.
Now...to really talk abt the day...the whole day was fun but sad att he same time. The last day at my work place and I was treated to a glorious lunch! Was given a small present from my colleagues. Something they threw together at the last minute but means more to a bracelet or chain (not that they would get me one hahaha) They packed in half a dozen packs of seaweed, a green apple, a hp holder, a small wand, 2 cards (signed by everyone) and a picture frame of the silliest pic of the whole comms dept! hahahaha but...I LOVE IT! hahahaha It'll stay in my table for all eternity. You know all tat emotional stuff we women feel when its TIME or going to TIME. Yeah all this was very very much appreciated and (i admit) almost made we wanna tear. :P Its funny how...everything just doesnt feel like its the end on the beginning of the day, by the end of the day, it feels almost like Im leaving Spore!!! Like Im never gonna come back!. And I thank God that Spore is only so small and that technology has allowed us to communicate with each other as and when we go online. :)
Its really...strange how ive grown to be sooo fond of working in MTV even if its a short 5 months... :) I feel Ive made some fabulous frens :)
It may sound like the end when I say that this is another chapeter of my life that has started and ended, but dont get me wrong. Im not saying that everything gets cut off here! Every chapter adds to the story. How the flow of the story goes is dependednt on the chapters of the story. And sooo far (aside from my traumatic 1 year long relationship and another years worth os getting over) This chapter has been the climax! stories have a few climaxes and this I know for sure, is one of them! Some thing I know I'll bring with me as I move on to the new chapter.
For those who have read this and are from MTV, Id like to say thanks. :) my internship here hasnt only been educationally fruitful, but emotionally fruitful as well. :) I'll definitely come n visit!!!
LOVE!!!!
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
....i hate my nose...
Im typing all this as my nose flows like a leaking faucet...damn!
I feel sooo tired man! Really feel like plonking onto the bed and sleeping my hours away....why not?
Tomorrow is my last day in MTV. Its very very sad actually... Strangely enough, I feel like Im not leaving! It hasnt sunk in!
BTW, came to work today on the train and as standing to this man who was erading while on the train. He looked like a chinese speaking chinese. But he suddenly whipped out his hp and started to sms to someone. The funny part was the contents of the msg. it went soemthing like...snort :@ snort :@ snort :@...yeah that was really all it was. Hahaha should have seen my face hahaha One eyebrow up, and one eyebrow down hahaha
Everything was fine today. Work was quite good, the printer was quite obedient.
Tuition went quite okay. My kid finally spelt seven...something to be very happy about! He's actually very good with words!
K will stop here! I know..nothing exciting really but Ive got to go wrap presents now. :) Love you guys!! You all take care!
LOVE
I feel sooo tired man! Really feel like plonking onto the bed and sleeping my hours away....why not?
Tomorrow is my last day in MTV. Its very very sad actually... Strangely enough, I feel like Im not leaving! It hasnt sunk in!
BTW, came to work today on the train and as standing to this man who was erading while on the train. He looked like a chinese speaking chinese. But he suddenly whipped out his hp and started to sms to someone. The funny part was the contents of the msg. it went soemthing like...snort :@ snort :@ snort :@...yeah that was really all it was. Hahaha should have seen my face hahaha One eyebrow up, and one eyebrow down hahaha
Everything was fine today. Work was quite good, the printer was quite obedient.
Tuition went quite okay. My kid finally spelt seven...something to be very happy about! He's actually very good with words!
K will stop here! I know..nothing exciting really but Ive got to go wrap presents now. :) Love you guys!! You all take care!
LOVE
Sunday, May 29, 2005
:)
Went to my sista's brother's wedding buffet lunch. Wore a beige shirt and jeans plus the red indianish shawl i bought. Hell i think half of the pple there thought i was a malay fren! hahaha wateva! The food was good and everything was great until it rained... :( My plans of going out w mum after that, changed. Looks like we wont be doing any shopping today *shrugs*
Spent some time w my sis, looking at her pics. She was sooo excited abt showing them to me that almost felt guilty having to refuse hahah coz i was quite sleepy. But after a little persuasion and the afct that i wasnt sleeping, I just decided to see it and she xplained every pic to me hahaha One of the pics is this vending machine. The normal kind that they sell drinks but the whole outer casing of the machine had a really intriquite and complex design in it. It just looked like some big shot cartoon artist, took the whole machine and used it as a canvas. No colors yah but ..damn!!! Needless to say, this machine was in a very special place. It is (according to my sis) right outside an arthouse. The pic of the design of the arthouse itself was amazing! It was in millions of colours and had funny pipe like structural designs (dont even know if im making sense man)
The best part was when her fren and her came across a festival where alot of the locals dress up in a trad wear that...ehmm if you choose not to wear pants or shorts with it, You'd be left w really airy buttcheeks. hahahaha There was even a ganster version where all of them (the male ones) dress in nothing but a cloth cover their privates and armed w a fan and a whistle to blow the rythym (like drums on a procession) The reason for that exposure (if you know wat i mean) is to show off their full body tattoos. The whole body even down to the are near the ...groin, is tattooed!!! damn! OUCH! And guess what!!! Theres the female one too!!! The girls of course do the same coverage for their respective genders as well as extra shorts. Like someone w a hankerchief arnd the chest and short shorts...yeah. doing the same thing.
My sis took a video of them and got carried off her feet coz it was just too packed! The camera got lost for a few minutes and suddenly, you can see the image of an MTV lanyard hahahaha a few more seconds of chaos and finally the camera stabilizes again hahaha. Could hear my sis pantting in the background. If she hadnt told me what it was that happened, Id probably thought she had lost her balance and fell...or was close to fanting hahah it was how shaky the camera was hahah
She also showed me this video of the manta ray and how it was doing continuous somersaults in a pillar of bubbles hahaha sorta brought to mind that this ray was probably crazy abt bubbless..high already hahaha like the fish in Finding Nemo who's posessive of his bubbles hahaha
So yeah hhah Im sooo glad my sis is safely home. :) She got me a paif of samurai socks haha with the big toe and the rest seperated. :P The day was like that.
Emotionally wise, I think im doing well :) I starting to go back to what i used to think in sec sch, that its really no use thinking abt all this because when the time comes, the right one will come. Might not seemt hat way now, but when it comes, I'll know. Also that im in more control of my future now than ever. :) I hope to look at all of this in the future and say that these were the great times i had and nothing painful is ever lodged in it. :)
Love you guys!!! :P
LOVE
Spent some time w my sis, looking at her pics. She was sooo excited abt showing them to me that almost felt guilty having to refuse hahah coz i was quite sleepy. But after a little persuasion and the afct that i wasnt sleeping, I just decided to see it and she xplained every pic to me hahaha One of the pics is this vending machine. The normal kind that they sell drinks but the whole outer casing of the machine had a really intriquite and complex design in it. It just looked like some big shot cartoon artist, took the whole machine and used it as a canvas. No colors yah but ..damn!!! Needless to say, this machine was in a very special place. It is (according to my sis) right outside an arthouse. The pic of the design of the arthouse itself was amazing! It was in millions of colours and had funny pipe like structural designs (dont even know if im making sense man)
The best part was when her fren and her came across a festival where alot of the locals dress up in a trad wear that...ehmm if you choose not to wear pants or shorts with it, You'd be left w really airy buttcheeks. hahahaha There was even a ganster version where all of them (the male ones) dress in nothing but a cloth cover their privates and armed w a fan and a whistle to blow the rythym (like drums on a procession) The reason for that exposure (if you know wat i mean) is to show off their full body tattoos. The whole body even down to the are near the ...groin, is tattooed!!! damn! OUCH! And guess what!!! Theres the female one too!!! The girls of course do the same coverage for their respective genders as well as extra shorts. Like someone w a hankerchief arnd the chest and short shorts...yeah. doing the same thing.
My sis took a video of them and got carried off her feet coz it was just too packed! The camera got lost for a few minutes and suddenly, you can see the image of an MTV lanyard hahahaha a few more seconds of chaos and finally the camera stabilizes again hahaha. Could hear my sis pantting in the background. If she hadnt told me what it was that happened, Id probably thought she had lost her balance and fell...or was close to fanting hahah it was how shaky the camera was hahah
She also showed me this video of the manta ray and how it was doing continuous somersaults in a pillar of bubbles hahaha sorta brought to mind that this ray was probably crazy abt bubbless..high already hahaha like the fish in Finding Nemo who's posessive of his bubbles hahaha
So yeah hhah Im sooo glad my sis is safely home. :) She got me a paif of samurai socks haha with the big toe and the rest seperated. :P The day was like that.
Emotionally wise, I think im doing well :) I starting to go back to what i used to think in sec sch, that its really no use thinking abt all this because when the time comes, the right one will come. Might not seemt hat way now, but when it comes, I'll know. Also that im in more control of my future now than ever. :) I hope to look at all of this in the future and say that these were the great times i had and nothing painful is ever lodged in it. :)
Love you guys!!! :P
LOVE
Saturday, May 28, 2005
My Day!
Partially taken from multiply:
K heres the low down on the condition of my legs now...not that its broken or wat. Both knee area are polka dotted with blue blacks (most of which i have no idea how i got them) and both legs are now officially riddled with mosquito bites! YEAH! (victory sign) If theres anything to be happy about, im not feeling much of an itch so it isnt really bothering me hahaha PLUS! FINALLY got a pic of my little black kitty that lives along the ooloo (dunno how to spell) lane leading to my house! HEHEHE (VICTORY SIGN) I sacrificed my legs for e pic w little miss kitty who conveniently salivated on my shorts and slippers after that! Thanks ah! Ewwww dont even know if its really salive or soemthingelse!!!
So thats abt the only excitement i got today, apart from going to TPCL to shop for clothes. Believe it or not, I got two skirts for myself! (3 quats i think) hehehe Congratulate me!!! All of which I got from a shop that had too much Canto-techno for its own good! I finally hear what cantonese rap and techno mixed together, would sound like! DAMN! Almost blew my eardrums off!
Come to think of it, dont they realize that sometimes the fact that it sounds so bad can deter pple from going into their store? Hmm
Bought a few 2nd hand books for mum and I to read also and almost couldnt resist buying Famous Amos for sister...or me hahaha. She bought me a pair of toe socks from japan. :P Will wear it and show u guys one day. hahahah
Other than that, nothingelse really. Got my eyes set on some other clothes to get but not now. Need clothes for office actually so...yeah HELP!!!!
Right now I think the mosquitoes really followed me up to the 18th floor! Time to fight them! Wish I had my tuition kid's electric fly swatter ( the one he shows off every time I'm there)
K ending here for now. :) Love you guys loads! Take care and We'll meet up some day yah!
LOVE
K heres the low down on the condition of my legs now...not that its broken or wat. Both knee area are polka dotted with blue blacks (most of which i have no idea how i got them) and both legs are now officially riddled with mosquito bites! YEAH! (victory sign) If theres anything to be happy about, im not feeling much of an itch so it isnt really bothering me hahaha PLUS! FINALLY got a pic of my little black kitty that lives along the ooloo (dunno how to spell) lane leading to my house! HEHEHE (VICTORY SIGN) I sacrificed my legs for e pic w little miss kitty who conveniently salivated on my shorts and slippers after that! Thanks ah! Ewwww dont even know if its really salive or soemthingelse!!!
So thats abt the only excitement i got today, apart from going to TPCL to shop for clothes. Believe it or not, I got two skirts for myself! (3 quats i think) hehehe Congratulate me!!! All of which I got from a shop that had too much Canto-techno for its own good! I finally hear what cantonese rap and techno mixed together, would sound like! DAMN! Almost blew my eardrums off!
Come to think of it, dont they realize that sometimes the fact that it sounds so bad can deter pple from going into their store? Hmm
Bought a few 2nd hand books for mum and I to read also and almost couldnt resist buying Famous Amos for sister...or me hahaha. She bought me a pair of toe socks from japan. :P Will wear it and show u guys one day. hahahah
Other than that, nothingelse really. Got my eyes set on some other clothes to get but not now. Need clothes for office actually so...yeah HELP!!!!
Right now I think the mosquitoes really followed me up to the 18th floor! Time to fight them! Wish I had my tuition kid's electric fly swatter ( the one he shows off every time I'm there)
K ending here for now. :) Love you guys loads! Take care and We'll meet up some day yah!
LOVE
Bloody bored!
Woke up blur and was thinking of whether to step out of the house before my dad wakes up...or not step out at all. Was planning to go see the launch of the Spore street festival but it starts quite late i think...plus my fren didnt get back to me on whether he wanted to go so...heck it lah!
Wanted to see if there are any sales or wat, so i cen get my working clothes...but...decided not to use up my money just yet...plus id need help w that. Cant judge clothes on myself for nuts! So the verdict is...unless i find another motivation (maybe just to get away from dad) sigh
Soo surfing websites now *yawn*
U all take care
love
Wanted to see if there are any sales or wat, so i cen get my working clothes...but...decided not to use up my money just yet...plus id need help w that. Cant judge clothes on myself for nuts! So the verdict is...unless i find another motivation (maybe just to get away from dad) sigh
Soo surfing websites now *yawn*
U all take care
love
Friday, May 27, 2005
2 things today...
Wanna assess my behaviour today...realized i get irritated easily these days...Called some frens just now, wanted to ask if they wanted to meet for ice cream near our home. One of them didnt have the hp on, the other just didnt answer...I was dissappointed but a little irritated too. These 2 frens of mine have always been like that hahaha both are latecomers when i meet them and both never really receive my calls...sigh...i had this really bad idea that what would happen if one day domething did happen to me and i tried to call them? hahahaha id end up dead man! hahaha they'll only realize it on the news hahah kk bad bad joke. I guess its one of those times where you feel abit unappreciated..sigh....dun worry. no depression. ive come to a stage where im like, "whatever! I shudnt give a shit anymore" really sometimes i wonder what frens are for hahaha SiGH i think its the selfish me thinking again. I eralize that my temper has gotten worse. I remember in sec sch, i could tahan all this, id be trying to calm my frens down when we weer waiting for a latecomer (45mins late) I think now, I'll just walk off. really....I feel bad at times doing that, but i realize that if i dont do that, some of them might not even know whats happening. Sometimes we have to wake them up. But i Also wonder if im like that too...Somehow, I feel i am leh haha...shit!
Another thing i wanna talk abt, is abortion. All this talk abt abortion has got me thinking. I honestly, would never support a mum in aborting her child unless its something thats life threatening. I dont even know why soo many girls are getting pregnant to start with! really! Do you need sex to get ur guy to love you? To show ur guy to love him? I dont think so! I think if a relationship was true and both of you loved each other alot, sex would not NEED to come intot he picture. If the guy had brain and cared abt you enough, he would not want you to suffer from a pregnancy and support the child or abortion (since ur not even married) If he doesnt consider all that, I BET with you 1000% that the guys just looking for cheap sex then be gone witht he wind even before you're done with ur "high" moments. That my dear girls, is a typical JERK who cant keep his ***** in his pants. Do him a favour and snip it off if you have the chance. HIGH chance, this guy would be someone who has extra marrital affairs even if you do get to keep him with the law and the golden ring.
If you're a girl inviting guys to knock on ur door (except prostituite who are forced intot he trade), al the more i wont show sympathy to you hahaha All of that will jus prove one thing. You are insecure and you're stupid. You use ur body to hook a man down so that you can feel loved. And you loev it! You love to be in control dont you? Not knowing that its really the men in control and when ur pregnant, they jus run off like it nvr happened! then guess wat! You have to bear the consequences. Even prostitutes are smarter coz they at least know wat contraceptive pills or condoms are! I jus dont get it! How can girls mistreat their body like that?
The worst part of it all, is that the kids get punished. Whether its a few eeeks old or a few months old, doesnt matter. What matters is ur stopping something from having a life! They are innocent, they cant even fight for themselves! They cant kick the mum till the mum bleeds, they cant even crawl out to save themselves! They have rights which they cant enforce! The mum on the other hand, has rights no doubt. But unless she's in a life threatening condition, she's abusing her rights! How can a mum argue abt her rights against someone who is too small to even know her'his rights? Someone who doesnt have any choice or say whatsoever? The mum at least had choices...that is...to not have sex int he 1st place. The moment she got ont he bed, she threw her rights into the window. Let's not talk abt mums having rights anymore. Whatever is it, its the kid that has to suffer the most. those that escape death even before they are born, often grow up not knowing who their parents are, grow up with poor living conditions (mum or family or other relatives taking care of them/ trying hard to sustain a basic living condition) It really sucks!
Anothet hing i feel is that...instead of fretting abt not being able to have their own kids, couples shud consider adopting. Not to encourage teenagers that they can give their kids for adoption...but more for kids from undeveloped countries, diasater stricken and eating rotten wheat cakes and mud for meals. There are ehough kids int he world suffering, without families and without food and shelter. Doestn anyone think that we being the more developed, should help them out? If not, developiong countries will never get out of poverty!Sometimes, we need hand grips we can lean on to get ourselves to stand up. I dont see whats different.
Girls, dun be stupid an give urself up to a guy just coz he says he loves you and just coz u feel a tingle in ur tummy or heart. Anything that can happen, will happen...esp before marriage. Relationships break because of pregnancies...more often than they mend. If you really cant wait to have sex like bunnies, then for goodness sake, go get pills and condoms. Ur not eh one who's gonna wear it!
LOVE
Another thing i wanna talk abt, is abortion. All this talk abt abortion has got me thinking. I honestly, would never support a mum in aborting her child unless its something thats life threatening. I dont even know why soo many girls are getting pregnant to start with! really! Do you need sex to get ur guy to love you? To show ur guy to love him? I dont think so! I think if a relationship was true and both of you loved each other alot, sex would not NEED to come intot he picture. If the guy had brain and cared abt you enough, he would not want you to suffer from a pregnancy and support the child or abortion (since ur not even married) If he doesnt consider all that, I BET with you 1000% that the guys just looking for cheap sex then be gone witht he wind even before you're done with ur "high" moments. That my dear girls, is a typical JERK who cant keep his ***** in his pants. Do him a favour and snip it off if you have the chance. HIGH chance, this guy would be someone who has extra marrital affairs even if you do get to keep him with the law and the golden ring.
If you're a girl inviting guys to knock on ur door (except prostituite who are forced intot he trade), al the more i wont show sympathy to you hahaha All of that will jus prove one thing. You are insecure and you're stupid. You use ur body to hook a man down so that you can feel loved. And you loev it! You love to be in control dont you? Not knowing that its really the men in control and when ur pregnant, they jus run off like it nvr happened! then guess wat! You have to bear the consequences. Even prostitutes are smarter coz they at least know wat contraceptive pills or condoms are! I jus dont get it! How can girls mistreat their body like that?
The worst part of it all, is that the kids get punished. Whether its a few eeeks old or a few months old, doesnt matter. What matters is ur stopping something from having a life! They are innocent, they cant even fight for themselves! They cant kick the mum till the mum bleeds, they cant even crawl out to save themselves! They have rights which they cant enforce! The mum on the other hand, has rights no doubt. But unless she's in a life threatening condition, she's abusing her rights! How can a mum argue abt her rights against someone who is too small to even know her'his rights? Someone who doesnt have any choice or say whatsoever? The mum at least had choices...that is...to not have sex int he 1st place. The moment she got ont he bed, she threw her rights into the window. Let's not talk abt mums having rights anymore. Whatever is it, its the kid that has to suffer the most. those that escape death even before they are born, often grow up not knowing who their parents are, grow up with poor living conditions (mum or family or other relatives taking care of them/ trying hard to sustain a basic living condition) It really sucks!
Anothet hing i feel is that...instead of fretting abt not being able to have their own kids, couples shud consider adopting. Not to encourage teenagers that they can give their kids for adoption...but more for kids from undeveloped countries, diasater stricken and eating rotten wheat cakes and mud for meals. There are ehough kids int he world suffering, without families and without food and shelter. Doestn anyone think that we being the more developed, should help them out? If not, developiong countries will never get out of poverty!Sometimes, we need hand grips we can lean on to get ourselves to stand up. I dont see whats different.
Girls, dun be stupid an give urself up to a guy just coz he says he loves you and just coz u feel a tingle in ur tummy or heart. Anything that can happen, will happen...esp before marriage. Relationships break because of pregnancies...more often than they mend. If you really cant wait to have sex like bunnies, then for goodness sake, go get pills and condoms. Ur not eh one who's gonna wear it!
LOVE
Thursday, May 26, 2005
MY BO LOST!!! *sobs*
Haiz...i was gonna wait till at night before I got the results of the American Idol but my friend had to sms me int he morning and tell me the results!! DAMN! I totally lost the mood of watching the finale. :( Should have seen me squirming in my chair in the morning..the moment I got that sms!
Anyway...great news today! Finally got a pic with Denise. I just feel really really really bad having to ask for a pic with her because I feel that Im forcing her! Did get a pic and a hug from her after she knew i was leaving adn she even gave me her email (which i will keep in all secrecy! No bribing!!!) She is very sweet really...Very down to earth and friendly, not stuck up or prissy just coz pple around her are not as high profile or wat as her. :) I like her! :)
As for the pic, it will stay in my private collection hahaha I dont think Id put it online coz...we're talking abt Denise her. She's got a reputation to uphold and Photoshop is a dreadfully magical tool to use. Like we all learnt...whats online, can never really be deleted. We cant put tabs on where something we put online can go. I'll appreciate it int he comfort of my own home n computer. Its also not very fantastic cos the lighting was extremely bad man! hahaha
Walked around a little after work..just felt liek walking really....no particular aim...just felt like having the wind in my face and hair and feel the movement...
Thinking abt life...how to survive it...alot of my frens have gotten fabulous jobs in MNCs and working for the long term...but now, Im just gonna be looking forward to a part-time job (which im excited abt of course) yet..insecure coz its a lower paying job and the survival of my life int eh future isnt confirmed. theres the fear that after this year's december, I'll be left with no job again and slacking at home. I ABSOLUTELY dont want that. Im half convinced thatt he moment I go to SSO, that everybody willbe asking me why i didnt stay in MTV. They're already doing that now! The sad thing is, employers nowadays, disregard working experience that is 6mnths and less. And alot of them ask for 1 year experience at least when they have job vacancies. Now excuse me for being rude but we just graduate and have spent our lives trying to study hard and get good grades and now that we've come into the working world to find a job, you want someone with 1 year expereince?!?!?! then what abt us? How do you expect us to have a year's experience when we just came out to work?
You look at this another way...this implies that employers are looking for expereince compared to grades. Which also means that while we study, its good that we work as well... or at least during the holis. This work experience which some students (like myself) forgo during the holis in order to slack our holis through, has become a stumbling block. I thank God that I had worked before I went to SP and during my holis, I had done some extra small stuff that helped to spice up my resume.
So now the advice to my young frens hahaha...if you're having holis, try to get work. no doubt when it comes to exams or o and a levels, dun do it. But other than that, try things out. Maybe you'll find out what ud like to do int eh future..or just working will give you the experience and build ur character to be a better employee or colleague.
Now, im resting my stomach..after a KFC dinner hehehe
My sis is back in Spore! :P Thank Goodness! Thank God she's safe.
My life has mellowed down :) Im getting better and calmer every day hahaha
BTW, Im starting to think I look like a Filippino! Im really starting to believe it! hahaha DAMN!
K peeps, you all take care! :P Enjoy ur days and night, enjoy every fresh new experience!
LOVE!
Anyway...great news today! Finally got a pic with Denise. I just feel really really really bad having to ask for a pic with her because I feel that Im forcing her! Did get a pic and a hug from her after she knew i was leaving adn she even gave me her email (which i will keep in all secrecy! No bribing!!!) She is very sweet really...Very down to earth and friendly, not stuck up or prissy just coz pple around her are not as high profile or wat as her. :) I like her! :)
As for the pic, it will stay in my private collection hahaha I dont think Id put it online coz...we're talking abt Denise her. She's got a reputation to uphold and Photoshop is a dreadfully magical tool to use. Like we all learnt...whats online, can never really be deleted. We cant put tabs on where something we put online can go. I'll appreciate it int he comfort of my own home n computer. Its also not very fantastic cos the lighting was extremely bad man! hahaha
Walked around a little after work..just felt liek walking really....no particular aim...just felt like having the wind in my face and hair and feel the movement...
Thinking abt life...how to survive it...alot of my frens have gotten fabulous jobs in MNCs and working for the long term...but now, Im just gonna be looking forward to a part-time job (which im excited abt of course) yet..insecure coz its a lower paying job and the survival of my life int eh future isnt confirmed. theres the fear that after this year's december, I'll be left with no job again and slacking at home. I ABSOLUTELY dont want that. Im half convinced thatt he moment I go to SSO, that everybody willbe asking me why i didnt stay in MTV. They're already doing that now! The sad thing is, employers nowadays, disregard working experience that is 6mnths and less. And alot of them ask for 1 year experience at least when they have job vacancies. Now excuse me for being rude but we just graduate and have spent our lives trying to study hard and get good grades and now that we've come into the working world to find a job, you want someone with 1 year expereince?!?!?! then what abt us? How do you expect us to have a year's experience when we just came out to work?
You look at this another way...this implies that employers are looking for expereince compared to grades. Which also means that while we study, its good that we work as well... or at least during the holis. This work experience which some students (like myself) forgo during the holis in order to slack our holis through, has become a stumbling block. I thank God that I had worked before I went to SP and during my holis, I had done some extra small stuff that helped to spice up my resume.
So now the advice to my young frens hahaha...if you're having holis, try to get work. no doubt when it comes to exams or o and a levels, dun do it. But other than that, try things out. Maybe you'll find out what ud like to do int eh future..or just working will give you the experience and build ur character to be a better employee or colleague.
Now, im resting my stomach..after a KFC dinner hehehe
My sis is back in Spore! :P Thank Goodness! Thank God she's safe.
My life has mellowed down :) Im getting better and calmer every day hahaha
BTW, Im starting to think I look like a Filippino! Im really starting to believe it! hahaha DAMN!
K peeps, you all take care! :P Enjoy ur days and night, enjoy every fresh new experience!
LOVE!
Hmmm
Hmm k got a comment from one of my frens (apparently)...He/ She (Coz i dont know who) said something that...I dont know..I guess..after reading it for abt...4 times...I still dont get it! hahahaha Is it meant to be personal advice for me? Or meant to be a general staement? I do agree that we have to discuss what we feel...Its something i learnt and am trying to do. Unfortunately, Im only very open to certain pple...It has to work both ways you know... when you talk to someone, you need the least bit of reaction back. Even my supervisor said that. So I agree absolutely. But I also know that there are pple there who use you and bitch behind ur back. And me being who I am, cant always place a finger on who's a gd guy or a bad guy.
As for the rationalizing part instead of ranting...thats what puzzles me even more. Not coz i dont understand it...but coz I dont know if i go under the ranting category or the rationalizing category...I admit that i do react before i tink sometimes...sometimes thats just a split second reaction, a small joke...maybe jus being abit bitchy...doesnt everyone do that? or does everyone think for a few minutes, figure out all the possible reasons to a situation before going, "maayyybbbbeeee..." None the less, the person is right.
Mayb i do rant before i think...hmmm maybe the probs the person is talkinga bt...the ones she says I keep inside, are hidden probs that make me pissed or irritated with things. Not everybody gets irritated when they see ple sitting down at the door of the train while the train is packed...do they? hahahahaha
Well..thats a whole lot of thinking to be done. Another way i can look at this entry, is that the person was refering to the previous entry (the child sex trade one) And if thats so and the ranting is abt how Im spurting vulgarities on them...then I dont see the point. Do you want me to think abt why the peadophiles do it and say, "well, maybe....maybe they're not that bad" If thats the case then Im sorry sis/bro hahhahaha Maybe there are alot of reasons behind it but I just wont agree to it. Its not like Abortion or Euthanasia where both sides have their REASONABLE reasons. This case...no.
So I stop here and wonder again who this person is hahahaha U can choose to be anonymous but I really dont mind if you said ur name hahaha Im not gonna be offended or bite ur head off. Its good to observe others and talk abt things that people dont normally talk abt at dinner.
As for the rationalizing part instead of ranting...thats what puzzles me even more. Not coz i dont understand it...but coz I dont know if i go under the ranting category or the rationalizing category...I admit that i do react before i tink sometimes...sometimes thats just a split second reaction, a small joke...maybe jus being abit bitchy...doesnt everyone do that? or does everyone think for a few minutes, figure out all the possible reasons to a situation before going, "maayyybbbbeeee..." None the less, the person is right.
Mayb i do rant before i think...hmmm maybe the probs the person is talkinga bt...the ones she says I keep inside, are hidden probs that make me pissed or irritated with things. Not everybody gets irritated when they see ple sitting down at the door of the train while the train is packed...do they? hahahahaha
Well..thats a whole lot of thinking to be done. Another way i can look at this entry, is that the person was refering to the previous entry (the child sex trade one) And if thats so and the ranting is abt how Im spurting vulgarities on them...then I dont see the point. Do you want me to think abt why the peadophiles do it and say, "well, maybe....maybe they're not that bad" If thats the case then Im sorry sis/bro hahhahaha Maybe there are alot of reasons behind it but I just wont agree to it. Its not like Abortion or Euthanasia where both sides have their REASONABLE reasons. This case...no.
So I stop here and wonder again who this person is hahahaha U can choose to be anonymous but I really dont mind if you said ur name hahaha Im not gonna be offended or bite ur head off. Its good to observe others and talk abt things that people dont normally talk abt at dinner.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
STUPID ME!
I just realized how blur and forgetful I was...For those of you who are planning to read the next blog entry of mine, skip the 3rd one. I repeated myself....
I know..I shud be ashamed of myself.... :/
LOVE
I know..I shud be ashamed of myself.... :/
LOVE
Wohooo!!!
K tried to write an entry this morning but after spending 15mins to write one an pressing "enter", the bloody thing had an error. GRRRR Wanted to write it again but by the time I wanted to write, I lost my mood..too bad...
BUT NOW!!! Found my mood again!!! :P
Sooo lets start from the beginning shall we?
Had a funny incident when i was going to work. Took the lift down from my house and halfway down, a man came in. A friendly neighbour really, who ive seen countless times :) He came in, saw me fiddling w my mp3 player and asked me, "whats that?" I told him and he was surprised. He then asked, "you mean it plays discs? What size is the disc? is it smaller than a 5cent coin?" K at this point, I was thinking.."HUH?" Then i got wat he was saying hahaha he thought it was something like a cd player..only...ALOT smaller...hahaha After explaingin to him, he looked at me and nodded and with a surprised and serious look, said," wah...technology these days"...hahahahaha
BTW, saw my mp3 player going at $199 and the 1GB one going for $499. theres even 15GB and stuff!!! In todays papers!!! Hmmmm Technology these days...
Hahahaha
Felt like I did alot today heheeh...clearing the store room and all hehehe Alot of stuff to clear and alot of stuff to see. hehehe the normally Mount everest like storeroom (valley of the boxes) now has enough space in it for me to do a small irish dance!!! well...knowing how the company works, I think it wount be long before more boxes come in and it goes back to its normal crowded self! But it felt good clearing stuff hahahahaha I think for that moment, I resembled most like my mum. "haiyah! Soo messy! Stack properly lah! wats this? Why need so many boxes?!?!"...yeah! My arms will be aching tomorrow but who cares! :P
Another reason why im so happy today :P..or rather one of the bigger reasons why im soo happy....is because I got a chance to follow my colleague to a photoshoot with Denise!!! The photoshoot was at some industrial area and the place was huge!!! aircon and music! Anyone know Wee Kim? yeah! Finally seen him in person! Cool shit!!! Denise was as usual, stunning. but in a little tired mood...poor girl has been abroad and only came back yesterday... :( It lasted abt and hour coz we had to wait for others but all went well and I grabbed the chance to talk to the lady there. She was leading the whole thing and she was sucha nice lady to talk to! This photo shoot btw, is for a project, WMD, Women Make A Difference. Its abt raising money to curb poverty stricken people frm going into selling their kids as child sex slaves and stopping adults or even teenagers from using child sex slaves!! ITS DISGUSTING!!! They're gonna sell stylo milo pink shirts and a white sling bag to raise money and Denise and a few other famous local women, have become the models for this shirt. I think its reall cool! One of them says, "im a woman, hear me roar!" Im actually planning on getting it when it comes out. Look out for it yah? It will be sold soon at 77th street I think..hehehe will update that! (mental note to myself)
I gotta divert abit and talk abt what i learnt abt the child sex trade. It came as a shock but it made soo much bloody sense that I could sooo kill those sick bastards! Givent he recent Tsunami Disaster (k...6mths ago i mean) Alot of people came forward to help right? Alot of people came forward to offer to adopt the kids who were victims of this disaster. Which is GREAT NEWS! Only that, some of these "poser" adoption centres were F&*(king Child Sex Slave Service providers (whatever you call them) They made use of this "glorious" tragedy to gather labour! How abt that! Adopt some poor, tsunami stricken kids and throw them into the lions den with SICK, penis itching bastards! I had this horrible thought in my head that somewhere out there, there were people who instead of sympathizing with the victims and saying, "Oh my Goodness! The poor kids! The poor families!!!"...they say, "Oh HEY! Theres our chance!!!"
WHAT THE HELL!!!! And another thing that I was shaking my head at...that NS men are using their allowance to go to nearby countries and heading straight for child sex trade places!!! HALF OF MY FRENS ARE IN NS/ ARE GOING TO NS/ HAVE JUS COME OUT OF NS!!!! ( to my guy frens.....DONT U DARE!!!) Like I said, go get the shirt coz it looks funky and its helping something thats worth helping!
Damn..this entry's getting longer hahaha
last but not least...I cant wait to go to work tomorrow heheh coz i wanna get a pic taken w Denise :P Asked her today abt it and she said, "sure! I'll be there int he morning!" I feel bad asking her this because she's like anyone you know, she's jus doing her job as a vj..as in doing recordings and photo shoots. My erquesting for a photo or a signature would just be extra work. If it were me, I dont wanna be made to sign or take pics when im jus ttrying to do my work! Cant I even have some peace n quiet in the office? after having been pestered in the streets for pics? Hmm thats what id feel...And thats what i dont want her to feel...But..she's agreed and I'll finally have that pic I always wanted, w Denise hehehe and (cross fingers) Utt. :P
I wanna add one last thing...its abt the child sex trade...My fav author, Torey Hayden, has taught kids w selective autism and other mental diseases we know..she writes abt them and how she helps them. I honestly love reading all that and wish i cud be like her...but one of the nest memorable kids she's written and taught, is Sheila (not real name) The part that struck me int he heart most abt Sheila's story..is when she was (as the book says) in the classroom and Torey realizes Sheila was bleeding profusely...the story behind it..is that Sheila's hell deserving step-father, tried to make her have sex with him. When he couldnt but his pecker in her, he took a knife and stuck it up her undeveloped uterus...even now..I feel the pain...I feel the anger towards this idiot...If i was there, Id F*&^king stick it up his! Hmmpphhh
You all may think that Im being really crude and violent here. I dont think my blog will last. I might get kicked out and forbidden to blog forever! But seriously....you talk about an issue like that and get the msg clearly across abt how horrible it is..if you dont use vulgarity?!?!? Im not using it at pple who dont deserve it! Im using it at people whom i wouldnt term as humans! Im using it to make an impact on something that NEEDS to be changed!!! jus coz we live in a properous country, doesnt mean people outside Spore live in a prosperous country. Doesnt mean we could afford to "not give a shit" about them!
How can we talk abt all this in refined, calm n composed tone? Well, it really goes to show how much we care abt the issue man!
This is the Ning I am. I hold my tongue alot of times...but whe it comes to soemthing that affects me very much, Ive grown to use the F word alot more often to show it. Anyway, I just vented everything i feel abt this issue...havnt had dinner. (time check: 10:53pm)
So I end here...really hope you guys see my point..and realize how bad things are...and to my guy frens, keep your trousers, shorts or pants on yah. :) So far I trust all of you hahahaTrust you're not that dumb. Hope Im not proven wrong. Hahaha
K bye peeps! Sleep tight!
LOVE
BUT NOW!!! Found my mood again!!! :P
Sooo lets start from the beginning shall we?
Had a funny incident when i was going to work. Took the lift down from my house and halfway down, a man came in. A friendly neighbour really, who ive seen countless times :) He came in, saw me fiddling w my mp3 player and asked me, "whats that?" I told him and he was surprised. He then asked, "you mean it plays discs? What size is the disc? is it smaller than a 5cent coin?" K at this point, I was thinking.."HUH?" Then i got wat he was saying hahaha he thought it was something like a cd player..only...ALOT smaller...hahaha After explaingin to him, he looked at me and nodded and with a surprised and serious look, said," wah...technology these days"...hahahahaha
BTW, saw my mp3 player going at $199 and the 1GB one going for $499. theres even 15GB and stuff!!! In todays papers!!! Hmmmm Technology these days...
Hahahaha
Felt like I did alot today heheeh...clearing the store room and all hehehe Alot of stuff to clear and alot of stuff to see. hehehe the normally Mount everest like storeroom (valley of the boxes) now has enough space in it for me to do a small irish dance!!! well...knowing how the company works, I think it wount be long before more boxes come in and it goes back to its normal crowded self! But it felt good clearing stuff hahahahaha I think for that moment, I resembled most like my mum. "haiyah! Soo messy! Stack properly lah! wats this? Why need so many boxes?!?!"...yeah! My arms will be aching tomorrow but who cares! :P
Another reason why im so happy today :P..or rather one of the bigger reasons why im soo happy....is because I got a chance to follow my colleague to a photoshoot with Denise!!! The photoshoot was at some industrial area and the place was huge!!! aircon and music! Anyone know Wee Kim? yeah! Finally seen him in person! Cool shit!!! Denise was as usual, stunning. but in a little tired mood...poor girl has been abroad and only came back yesterday... :( It lasted abt and hour coz we had to wait for others but all went well and I grabbed the chance to talk to the lady there. She was leading the whole thing and she was sucha nice lady to talk to! This photo shoot btw, is for a project, WMD, Women Make A Difference. Its abt raising money to curb poverty stricken people frm going into selling their kids as child sex slaves and stopping adults or even teenagers from using child sex slaves!! ITS DISGUSTING!!! They're gonna sell stylo milo pink shirts and a white sling bag to raise money and Denise and a few other famous local women, have become the models for this shirt. I think its reall cool! One of them says, "im a woman, hear me roar!" Im actually planning on getting it when it comes out. Look out for it yah? It will be sold soon at 77th street I think..hehehe will update that! (mental note to myself)
I gotta divert abit and talk abt what i learnt abt the child sex trade. It came as a shock but it made soo much bloody sense that I could sooo kill those sick bastards! Givent he recent Tsunami Disaster (k...6mths ago i mean) Alot of people came forward to help right? Alot of people came forward to offer to adopt the kids who were victims of this disaster. Which is GREAT NEWS! Only that, some of these "poser" adoption centres were F&*(king Child Sex Slave Service providers (whatever you call them) They made use of this "glorious" tragedy to gather labour! How abt that! Adopt some poor, tsunami stricken kids and throw them into the lions den with SICK, penis itching bastards! I had this horrible thought in my head that somewhere out there, there were people who instead of sympathizing with the victims and saying, "Oh my Goodness! The poor kids! The poor families!!!"...they say, "Oh HEY! Theres our chance!!!"
WHAT THE HELL!!!! And another thing that I was shaking my head at...that NS men are using their allowance to go to nearby countries and heading straight for child sex trade places!!! HALF OF MY FRENS ARE IN NS/ ARE GOING TO NS/ HAVE JUS COME OUT OF NS!!!! ( to my guy frens.....DONT U DARE!!!) Like I said, go get the shirt coz it looks funky and its helping something thats worth helping!
Damn..this entry's getting longer hahaha
last but not least...I cant wait to go to work tomorrow heheh coz i wanna get a pic taken w Denise :P Asked her today abt it and she said, "sure! I'll be there int he morning!" I feel bad asking her this because she's like anyone you know, she's jus doing her job as a vj..as in doing recordings and photo shoots. My erquesting for a photo or a signature would just be extra work. If it were me, I dont wanna be made to sign or take pics when im jus ttrying to do my work! Cant I even have some peace n quiet in the office? after having been pestered in the streets for pics? Hmm thats what id feel...And thats what i dont want her to feel...But..she's agreed and I'll finally have that pic I always wanted, w Denise hehehe and (cross fingers) Utt. :P
I wanna add one last thing...its abt the child sex trade...My fav author, Torey Hayden, has taught kids w selective autism and other mental diseases we know..she writes abt them and how she helps them. I honestly love reading all that and wish i cud be like her...but one of the nest memorable kids she's written and taught, is Sheila (not real name) The part that struck me int he heart most abt Sheila's story..is when she was (as the book says) in the classroom and Torey realizes Sheila was bleeding profusely...the story behind it..is that Sheila's hell deserving step-father, tried to make her have sex with him. When he couldnt but his pecker in her, he took a knife and stuck it up her undeveloped uterus...even now..I feel the pain...I feel the anger towards this idiot...If i was there, Id F*&^king stick it up his! Hmmpphhh
You all may think that Im being really crude and violent here. I dont think my blog will last. I might get kicked out and forbidden to blog forever! But seriously....you talk about an issue like that and get the msg clearly across abt how horrible it is..if you dont use vulgarity?!?!? Im not using it at pple who dont deserve it! Im using it at people whom i wouldnt term as humans! Im using it to make an impact on something that NEEDS to be changed!!! jus coz we live in a properous country, doesnt mean people outside Spore live in a prosperous country. Doesnt mean we could afford to "not give a shit" about them!
How can we talk abt all this in refined, calm n composed tone? Well, it really goes to show how much we care abt the issue man!
This is the Ning I am. I hold my tongue alot of times...but whe it comes to soemthing that affects me very much, Ive grown to use the F word alot more often to show it. Anyway, I just vented everything i feel abt this issue...havnt had dinner. (time check: 10:53pm)
So I end here...really hope you guys see my point..and realize how bad things are...and to my guy frens, keep your trousers, shorts or pants on yah. :) So far I trust all of you hahahaTrust you're not that dumb. Hope Im not proven wrong. Hahaha
K bye peeps! Sleep tight!
LOVE
Hmmm
K everyone, Im good. Its amazing how sleep get help you forget sorrows faster. :)
Ive made a small promise to myself to not mention my past relationship anymore...unless needed to make a point to someone.
As for today, I came across a very silly incident hahaha
Was in the lift today, trying to tune my mp3 player as well, when the door opened and a man came in. He's been living there for a long time and i usually give him a smile when i see him.
He came in, saw wat i was doing and asked, "wats that?" I was puzzled for a minute until i realized he was refering to my mp3 player. I told him that and he reacted with surprise, "it's a player! You mean you can play discs inside? How big is the disc? Is it as big as a 5 cent coin?"
Little did i realize that he thought my mp3 player was a shrunk version of a cd player or something. I imagined how a disc the size of a 5cent coin would look like. Smiling to myself hahaha I told him that it doesnt play discs, it was all just memory. He looked at me and nooded as i explained. "Wah technology these days" he ended saying. hahah he even offered a ride to work. hahah a sweet man hahaha He's a very very nice guy with grandchildren of his own. :)
So that the story of the day hahaha
BTW, i saw a creative muvo for 1GB at 400 plus and my the mp3 player i have going at 199. DAMN!!!! technology these days!!! Hahahaha
Ive made a small promise to myself to not mention my past relationship anymore...unless needed to make a point to someone.
As for today, I came across a very silly incident hahaha
Was in the lift today, trying to tune my mp3 player as well, when the door opened and a man came in. He's been living there for a long time and i usually give him a smile when i see him.
He came in, saw wat i was doing and asked, "wats that?" I was puzzled for a minute until i realized he was refering to my mp3 player. I told him that and he reacted with surprise, "it's a player! You mean you can play discs inside? How big is the disc? Is it as big as a 5 cent coin?"
Little did i realize that he thought my mp3 player was a shrunk version of a cd player or something. I imagined how a disc the size of a 5cent coin would look like. Smiling to myself hahaha I told him that it doesnt play discs, it was all just memory. He looked at me and nooded as i explained. "Wah technology these days" he ended saying. hahah he even offered a ride to work. hahah a sweet man hahaha He's a very very nice guy with grandchildren of his own. :)
So that the story of the day hahaha
BTW, i saw a creative muvo for 1GB at 400 plus and my the mp3 player i have going at 199. DAMN!!!! technology these days!!! Hahahaha
Monday, May 23, 2005
aftermath...
The results of the truly traumatic day for me is that I have everything clear now. :)
Went out with one of my sweetest sweet sisters today to makan n jalan, and met up with another of my old frens at Marche. Its been a really long time since I caught up with them and jus being able to spend time with them...sorta made me go into a 'reminiscing' mode for awhile.
I thought back abt how i first got into SP...how getting into comperes was the best thign that could have happened in my whole SP life. How my newly made Sparc and compere siblinghood was forged through a silly and stomach hurting yet altogether memorable play...how we bumped into each other so often, calling each other "brudder!" and "sister!" How when i joined the talentime, they supported me...th eplay...the MTV...the FLUX performance...how...after all these changes, time has gone by and the same group of pple who came together, have to leave seperately...yet with each other in their hearts. or at least I do...
I almost choked today. not on food, but on a song i heard at HMV...FIR's...the song just rang such a loud bell in me that I had to give in and close my eyes...thank goodness my cap was on hahahaha coz i know my fren would have gotten a bit worried for me.
Looking back at everything, i know ive said this a million times, but I'll say it again....I can only thank God for everything he gave me....the good and the bad...esp now...he gave me soo many opportunities that are just waiting for me to reach out and grab them.
Been trying to do alot of songwriting recently. given yesterday's big event, I admit that its time to change my mood of songs hahaha...actually...its coz i have to really...I cant bring myself to sing another sad love song coz it will bring back alot of memories i plan to get over. :)
BTW, another plan i have, is to marry a rich dude hahahah coz i went into East India Shop today and the clothes there are fantastic!!! Either I go to india to buy them myself, or I marry a rich idiot who will be foolish enuff to let me buy those clothes hahahah :P Anyone can bring me around India??? Hahaha
No seriously, i realized today, how ive grown in loev witht he indian fabrics and patterns. maybe coz of my close indian frens and the indian ex hahaha but it guess, ive just fallin in love with em. And so...CAL!!! NEETZ!!! LETS GO LITTLE INDIA!!! HEHEHEEH
LOVE!!!!! MUAHZ!
Went out with one of my sweetest sweet sisters today to makan n jalan, and met up with another of my old frens at Marche. Its been a really long time since I caught up with them and jus being able to spend time with them...sorta made me go into a 'reminiscing' mode for awhile.
I thought back abt how i first got into SP...how getting into comperes was the best thign that could have happened in my whole SP life. How my newly made Sparc and compere siblinghood was forged through a silly and stomach hurting yet altogether memorable play...how we bumped into each other so often, calling each other "brudder!" and "sister!" How when i joined the talentime, they supported me...th eplay...the MTV...the FLUX performance...how...after all these changes, time has gone by and the same group of pple who came together, have to leave seperately...yet with each other in their hearts. or at least I do...
I almost choked today. not on food, but on a song i heard at HMV...FIR's...the song just rang such a loud bell in me that I had to give in and close my eyes...thank goodness my cap was on hahahaha coz i know my fren would have gotten a bit worried for me.
Looking back at everything, i know ive said this a million times, but I'll say it again....I can only thank God for everything he gave me....the good and the bad...esp now...he gave me soo many opportunities that are just waiting for me to reach out and grab them.
Been trying to do alot of songwriting recently. given yesterday's big event, I admit that its time to change my mood of songs hahaha...actually...its coz i have to really...I cant bring myself to sing another sad love song coz it will bring back alot of memories i plan to get over. :)
BTW, another plan i have, is to marry a rich dude hahahah coz i went into East India Shop today and the clothes there are fantastic!!! Either I go to india to buy them myself, or I marry a rich idiot who will be foolish enuff to let me buy those clothes hahahah :P Anyone can bring me around India??? Hahaha
No seriously, i realized today, how ive grown in loev witht he indian fabrics and patterns. maybe coz of my close indian frens and the indian ex hahaha but it guess, ive just fallin in love with em. And so...CAL!!! NEETZ!!! LETS GO LITTLE INDIA!!! HEHEHEEH
LOVE!!!!! MUAHZ!
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Ive had a seriously shitty...SHITTY day!
Heres gonna be a very long long blog because ..it jus is! hahaha
Everything wasnt supposed to happen today...in matter of fact, it was supposed to happen tomorrow. I had a confrontation w my ex. I told him all i knew and he blew up. It seems things arent wat i heard and all of it was lies or misunderstandings.....for the whole evning, i felt my world crashing down again as if thje breakup was today. I felt that i didnt know my frens...i didnt know who were my frens and who was telling me the truth....I was in a loss and my hands were shaing terribly that i had to lean my hand on something, to keep the phone to my ear. I was pissed at him bcoz i thought he cheated me...he lied to me..etc and when he got pissed and refused to listen to me (esp feeling that id rather trust others than him) I gave him the 1st pissed tone he ever got from me. I said, " No! You are gonna F&*^KING listen to me! You listen!!!" I gave himt he full blow of my anger! I was sarcastic and blunt and truthful and PISSED! To a point where after that remark, he actually did listen to what i had to say.
BY the end of the night ( I dont wanna go into the details) Everything was clear. Truth is out, allegations made are misunderstandings and...everything is back to normal. I vented everything i waanted to say and i found out everything i wanted to know. Im now at peace with everything. Ive now, officially settled my probs and im on a full speed to recovery.
As for my ex and I, I told him that we will not communicate for awhile to cool things down. I have no intentions of losing him as a fren sot he only way to get back to being best frens or siblings int he future, is if i took time off. :)
As for me and my frens involved...ive forgiven and forgotten. some dont even need to be forgiven because they werent even in the wrong. some, i forgave because my belief is, I will never sacrifice any fren for soemthing so small. Esp those close to me..unless they really cross the line. I spoke to them one by one and told them wat i thought and assured them...I guess there were one or two times that, both of us were close to crying because you can hear it on our voices.
I ended the calls happier. Every call i made, made me happier and stronger.
For the 1st time in months, I really felt like Im okay and really geting better! I feel like everything ive kept inside, is really free now and I can breathe! Ive erally cleared things out w my ex n my frens and.....everything is jus sooo....good!
I dont know how to describe this relief! I jus dont know....Like Im really starting life anew...And the best part of it all, is that I can finally say everything i feel...as in...i dont feel uncomfortable saying the truth to anyone anymore...Ive cleared all my knots...Ive even come to a stage where i can talk my ex in a very very very honest way...like we used to when we were siblings!...Its just soo amazing. Likewise for my frens!! we just got so honest that byt he end of the conversation, we were so affected by each other that...we were speechless! speechless byt he honesty....not knowing watelse to say....I just dont know wat to say to further describe it!
The very last email to my ex for now, is advice...he was a great guy to be with but he had too much charisma for his own good. the times he got paranoid with my being to good to my guy frens, he was also doing the same thing. he treated his gal frens very well also, making them think that he liked them. And yet...also not giving them clear answers. leaving my frens hanging int he air. He's soo smart, too everything and above all, too emotional that he gives too many promises and int he end keeping very little of it. Not because he didnt intend to keep em, but because he couldnt. Thats his flaw...( those who know him, PLEASE drill it into his head! For the sake of all his gal frens. This is a sister's advice)
At the end of the day, Im stronger. Ive learnt a lesson, not to be cautious abt what i hear and evaluate them even if they come from those I love and care for...and i guess ive become more....weary abt what info i get. Anyway, all is over!! Im very very glad!!! :)
For all those i care for, including my ex (no hard feelings), You are all in my prayers. I love all of you and I will always do!!!
LOVE!!! :)
PS: Thank you God!!
Everything wasnt supposed to happen today...in matter of fact, it was supposed to happen tomorrow. I had a confrontation w my ex. I told him all i knew and he blew up. It seems things arent wat i heard and all of it was lies or misunderstandings.....for the whole evning, i felt my world crashing down again as if thje breakup was today. I felt that i didnt know my frens...i didnt know who were my frens and who was telling me the truth....I was in a loss and my hands were shaing terribly that i had to lean my hand on something, to keep the phone to my ear. I was pissed at him bcoz i thought he cheated me...he lied to me..etc and when he got pissed and refused to listen to me (esp feeling that id rather trust others than him) I gave him the 1st pissed tone he ever got from me. I said, " No! You are gonna F&*^KING listen to me! You listen!!!" I gave himt he full blow of my anger! I was sarcastic and blunt and truthful and PISSED! To a point where after that remark, he actually did listen to what i had to say.
BY the end of the night ( I dont wanna go into the details) Everything was clear. Truth is out, allegations made are misunderstandings and...everything is back to normal. I vented everything i waanted to say and i found out everything i wanted to know. Im now at peace with everything. Ive now, officially settled my probs and im on a full speed to recovery.
As for my ex and I, I told him that we will not communicate for awhile to cool things down. I have no intentions of losing him as a fren sot he only way to get back to being best frens or siblings int he future, is if i took time off. :)
As for me and my frens involved...ive forgiven and forgotten. some dont even need to be forgiven because they werent even in the wrong. some, i forgave because my belief is, I will never sacrifice any fren for soemthing so small. Esp those close to me..unless they really cross the line. I spoke to them one by one and told them wat i thought and assured them...I guess there were one or two times that, both of us were close to crying because you can hear it on our voices.
I ended the calls happier. Every call i made, made me happier and stronger.
For the 1st time in months, I really felt like Im okay and really geting better! I feel like everything ive kept inside, is really free now and I can breathe! Ive erally cleared things out w my ex n my frens and.....everything is jus sooo....good!
I dont know how to describe this relief! I jus dont know....Like Im really starting life anew...And the best part of it all, is that I can finally say everything i feel...as in...i dont feel uncomfortable saying the truth to anyone anymore...Ive cleared all my knots...Ive even come to a stage where i can talk my ex in a very very very honest way...like we used to when we were siblings!...Its just soo amazing. Likewise for my frens!! we just got so honest that byt he end of the conversation, we were so affected by each other that...we were speechless! speechless byt he honesty....not knowing watelse to say....I just dont know wat to say to further describe it!
The very last email to my ex for now, is advice...he was a great guy to be with but he had too much charisma for his own good. the times he got paranoid with my being to good to my guy frens, he was also doing the same thing. he treated his gal frens very well also, making them think that he liked them. And yet...also not giving them clear answers. leaving my frens hanging int he air. He's soo smart, too everything and above all, too emotional that he gives too many promises and int he end keeping very little of it. Not because he didnt intend to keep em, but because he couldnt. Thats his flaw...( those who know him, PLEASE drill it into his head! For the sake of all his gal frens. This is a sister's advice)
At the end of the day, Im stronger. Ive learnt a lesson, not to be cautious abt what i hear and evaluate them even if they come from those I love and care for...and i guess ive become more....weary abt what info i get. Anyway, all is over!! Im very very glad!!! :)
For all those i care for, including my ex (no hard feelings), You are all in my prayers. I love all of you and I will always do!!!
LOVE!!! :)
PS: Thank you God!!
Saturday, May 21, 2005
I saw the sweetest little kid today! Like Georgie...
Went for the kindermusic performance today. Auntie chiat told me to go so id did. I sw how good the teachers sang and how they communicated witht he kids and it was all great fun! hahaha
On my way back, stopped by at JSSC to visit a fren at her work place. Guess I got there too early so I didnt get a chance to see her, only the chance to see this malay lady and her family. This malay lady was looking after the centre and her mother and son came to accompany her. The reason why Im mentioning this malay lady and her family is because of how approachable she is. We just started talking like we knew each other. The fact is thta we had a common friend hahaha The son is very cute! I call him Genius, because of what i heard from his mum. He's taken some shopebox and stuff and pieced together a small house with pipes and balconies and all! he's extremely polite and loves drawing (was continuously asking me to draw cats with him) he's got very very pretty or gd looking features with long eyebrows!! Goodness! he's gonna be a killer sometime man! Charm the socks off girls when he grows up. He's very friendly and as he drew...I jus sat there and looked at him...Just so intrigued by how smart and sweet and cute and as the mum says naughty, this little boy can be! Reminds me of this little boy i havnt met, George...From what i hear abt him, he's a darling too and I just couldnt get eh idea off my head that georgie was just like this Genius here. :) This little boy has a piece of my heart for being such a darling hahahaha hey! Im NOT A PEADOPHILE! I dont even know how to spell the word!!!!! hahahaha I jus love kids..the normal kind of love hahahaha ...k i better save myself y stopping here hahaha But i guess, if i ever have a kid, Im hoping they be like georgie or Genius hahaha :) if i ever get married that is :# Muahahahaha BIG JOKE!
K will stop here! hahaha
LOVE!
On my way back, stopped by at JSSC to visit a fren at her work place. Guess I got there too early so I didnt get a chance to see her, only the chance to see this malay lady and her family. This malay lady was looking after the centre and her mother and son came to accompany her. The reason why Im mentioning this malay lady and her family is because of how approachable she is. We just started talking like we knew each other. The fact is thta we had a common friend hahaha The son is very cute! I call him Genius, because of what i heard from his mum. He's taken some shopebox and stuff and pieced together a small house with pipes and balconies and all! he's extremely polite and loves drawing (was continuously asking me to draw cats with him) he's got very very pretty or gd looking features with long eyebrows!! Goodness! he's gonna be a killer sometime man! Charm the socks off girls when he grows up. He's very friendly and as he drew...I jus sat there and looked at him...Just so intrigued by how smart and sweet and cute and as the mum says naughty, this little boy can be! Reminds me of this little boy i havnt met, George...From what i hear abt him, he's a darling too and I just couldnt get eh idea off my head that georgie was just like this Genius here. :) This little boy has a piece of my heart for being such a darling hahahaha hey! Im NOT A PEADOPHILE! I dont even know how to spell the word!!!!! hahahaha I jus love kids..the normal kind of love hahahaha ...k i better save myself y stopping here hahaha But i guess, if i ever have a kid, Im hoping they be like georgie or Genius hahaha :) if i ever get married that is :# Muahahahaha BIG JOKE!
K will stop here! hahaha
LOVE!
Friday, May 20, 2005
...
Before I go on, let me just say that if you expect a serious read from this blog, you're gonna get dissappointed. One can never satisfy everybody, so im jus gonna satisfy myself. All i want in this blog, is to tell the truth...wat i really feel. It can be dead boring at times...it can be more..thought provoking at others...but whats the constant...is that everything comes from what i feel and think directly...like virginia woolf...saying everything she thinks and feels...putting things word for word...I want that level of honesty...
I realized today, that Ive been so scared of saying what i feel...because I didnt want to be seen in certain ways...there are sooo many things i havnt said. Because...its hard...the best eg i can give...is talking abt my ex. all my frens will say...at this point...,"here we go again" or" u mean ur not over it yet?"
Quite honestly, i havnt got a reply for that. Ive heard that remark sooo many times that...I dont even want to mention it to pple. I dont want to say that, YES I STILL DO! But it doesnt help me to get over things. not mentioning something doesnt mean its not there. But mentioning something doesnt mean ur still hard up on it. It doesnt mean I still cry every night, it doesnt mean I still say his name when im alone...it doesnt mean all that...Trust me...No doubt ive been affected by it...terribly...but over time, i have learnt to only refer to it...not brood on it. I have a fren...who's going through the same thing...she told me yesterday...that she finally knew what i meant when i said, you feel like u have a thousand and one things to say...and you feel like you need to say it out...but no matter how many times you say it to people...you just dont feel better...because...they are not the one you really wanna speak to.
That is my theory...I know that everyone who has a hard time with emotions...will feel the same...the reason why we have certain things stuck in our minds...things we cant let go...is probably because we havnt really spoken to the one we mean it for. How many times do we grumble n bitch abt something done to us and we jus cant get it out of our chest, no matter how many pple we tell it to? Im not saying if someone does you wrong, you fight back. I mean, if they do you wrong, you tell them n let them noe. No fists involved. A serious and peaceful chat is recommended.
Soo...I hope you guys understand...and dont be annoyed with me. Im just like that...Im strong..no doubt...at times...but everyone has a weakness and when we get hit at our weak points...its soooo much harder to get well....may take months, days, years..etc I am just me...
Spoke to my lecturer (a good fren of mine) abt whats happened so far...he shared his stories and I shared mine...I told him abt my meeting up w my ex and he looked at me and said that it seems I still love the guy. What i felt inside...was guilt...guilt to feel hope...guilt to acknowledge...guilt...He asked me what i wanted out of meeting up...the best case scenario...I didnt dare to reply...Ive fought so F*&^ing hard to surpress everything for the past one year. Yet hahah those who know me, know me... I can hear voices in my head now...ringing..."ning, dont be silly. forget abt him" "ning, he's not worth it" You know...my brain says that HELL YOU GUYS ARE DEAD RIGHT! But If i really really search...my heart says otherwise. You know how it is to be opened up with innards all exposed? Yeah...something like that. But like I said, I wish that all this could be controlled with the push of a button... :/ guess not. I dont wanna go flirting around and looking for guys to date n stuff jus to get over! Its not my way of doing things. Im not gonna look at the next indian guy that passes me and take a fancy on him! Although i do find that i have an interest for indian guys...some...But, im not like that. Everyone tells me to go find another person. Well, I would if I could peeps but guys dont grow on trees...Well at least the good ones dont...esp the chinese ones. Not to discrimnate my own race (scully kenah like that INTELLECTUAL racist blogger) I feel that there are very few gd looking and smart chinese guys. For other races, there are more, but alot of them are also players. My point of view k. no offence. Its wat i hear by mouth and what i see and read.
Enough abt that...lets move on.didnt get a chance to go for the audition today...too many entries. They're rescheduling it another day. doesnt matter really. I jus want to see how it is to go for an audition as a vj hahaha. Im still trying for a chance to take a pic w dennis!! and Utt! heheeh After which, I'll work at SSO and after december..I'll have to look for another bloody job :/
To those i havnt met for ages, hope ur doing well man! We soo have to meet up! I know Im still "cant go home so late" but we could meet during the weekends or for lunch or something. In matter of fact I plan to slack at sentosa after my MTV days...for one day. during the weekdays. We can meet up for breakfast opr wat. Maybe i ever told u guys this..but tahnks for being there for me during my tough times. Some of you have seen me cry...some of you have seen me bitch...some of you have heard me swear and some of you have seen me...jus for me. Thanks for that.
LOVE
I realized today, that Ive been so scared of saying what i feel...because I didnt want to be seen in certain ways...there are sooo many things i havnt said. Because...its hard...the best eg i can give...is talking abt my ex. all my frens will say...at this point...,"here we go again" or" u mean ur not over it yet?"
Quite honestly, i havnt got a reply for that. Ive heard that remark sooo many times that...I dont even want to mention it to pple. I dont want to say that, YES I STILL DO! But it doesnt help me to get over things. not mentioning something doesnt mean its not there. But mentioning something doesnt mean ur still hard up on it. It doesnt mean I still cry every night, it doesnt mean I still say his name when im alone...it doesnt mean all that...Trust me...No doubt ive been affected by it...terribly...but over time, i have learnt to only refer to it...not brood on it. I have a fren...who's going through the same thing...she told me yesterday...that she finally knew what i meant when i said, you feel like u have a thousand and one things to say...and you feel like you need to say it out...but no matter how many times you say it to people...you just dont feel better...because...they are not the one you really wanna speak to.
That is my theory...I know that everyone who has a hard time with emotions...will feel the same...the reason why we have certain things stuck in our minds...things we cant let go...is probably because we havnt really spoken to the one we mean it for. How many times do we grumble n bitch abt something done to us and we jus cant get it out of our chest, no matter how many pple we tell it to? Im not saying if someone does you wrong, you fight back. I mean, if they do you wrong, you tell them n let them noe. No fists involved. A serious and peaceful chat is recommended.
Soo...I hope you guys understand...and dont be annoyed with me. Im just like that...Im strong..no doubt...at times...but everyone has a weakness and when we get hit at our weak points...its soooo much harder to get well....may take months, days, years..etc I am just me...
Spoke to my lecturer (a good fren of mine) abt whats happened so far...he shared his stories and I shared mine...I told him abt my meeting up w my ex and he looked at me and said that it seems I still love the guy. What i felt inside...was guilt...guilt to feel hope...guilt to acknowledge...guilt...He asked me what i wanted out of meeting up...the best case scenario...I didnt dare to reply...Ive fought so F*&^ing hard to surpress everything for the past one year. Yet hahah those who know me, know me... I can hear voices in my head now...ringing..."ning, dont be silly. forget abt him" "ning, he's not worth it" You know...my brain says that HELL YOU GUYS ARE DEAD RIGHT! But If i really really search...my heart says otherwise. You know how it is to be opened up with innards all exposed? Yeah...something like that. But like I said, I wish that all this could be controlled with the push of a button... :/ guess not. I dont wanna go flirting around and looking for guys to date n stuff jus to get over! Its not my way of doing things. Im not gonna look at the next indian guy that passes me and take a fancy on him! Although i do find that i have an interest for indian guys...some...But, im not like that. Everyone tells me to go find another person. Well, I would if I could peeps but guys dont grow on trees...Well at least the good ones dont...esp the chinese ones. Not to discrimnate my own race (scully kenah like that INTELLECTUAL racist blogger) I feel that there are very few gd looking and smart chinese guys. For other races, there are more, but alot of them are also players. My point of view k. no offence. Its wat i hear by mouth and what i see and read.
Enough abt that...lets move on.didnt get a chance to go for the audition today...too many entries. They're rescheduling it another day. doesnt matter really. I jus want to see how it is to go for an audition as a vj hahaha. Im still trying for a chance to take a pic w dennis!! and Utt! heheeh After which, I'll work at SSO and after december..I'll have to look for another bloody job :/
To those i havnt met for ages, hope ur doing well man! We soo have to meet up! I know Im still "cant go home so late" but we could meet during the weekends or for lunch or something. In matter of fact I plan to slack at sentosa after my MTV days...for one day. during the weekdays. We can meet up for breakfast opr wat. Maybe i ever told u guys this..but tahnks for being there for me during my tough times. Some of you have seen me cry...some of you have seen me bitch...some of you have heard me swear and some of you have seen me...jus for me. Thanks for that.
LOVE
Thursday, May 19, 2005
WOOOHOOOOO!!!
I had a bloody good time man!!! Hahahahaha I went to BarNone just now for a party! Rob Thomas's party! ....Well he wasnt there in person but the music was still excellent!!! hahahaha Inside I wished i had my frens w me! ESP those who love to dance!!! hahahahah You have no idea how I was bursting inside to dance man!!!! But there wasnt a dance floor and everyone was acting cool and drinking n talking.....wat sobs...
The resident band, 9 lives was playing the matchbox 20 songs n they played smooth, bent and other excellent songs!!! WWAAAHHHHHH ROB THOMAS IS DAMN HOT!!! (rest assured..no consumption of alcohol)
I came out high! hahaha high because of all that music and the urge to dance, and high because of the emcees!!! THE HOSTS!!! FLYING DUTCHMAN N GLEN!!!! I know im not star struck but HELL am I DJ struck!!! I admire the dutchman tot he core! he gets my absolute support and strong salute man!! He cracks jokes the way he breathed! he's a natural! Glen on the other hand, was probably forced to take the back seat when it comes to MR FLYING DUTCHMAN!!! He's a pure genius!!!!! He worked the stage, cracked jokes, made the audience laugh with stomach cramps!!! I am in awe of him!
That's wat a radio DJ and a host about! Entertaining the crowd!!! Its bcoz of them and the matchbox 20 songs that i enjoyed myself! :)
I came out satisfied hahah having seen the lords of the hosts and the singer of the songs!
My deepest and most heart felt respect to rob thomas and the flying dutchman!!!
Im very very very glad that I got to see this. hahahha :)
PLUS!!! I got this news from my colleagues during the party, they're having a VJ audition tomorrow...Im thinking of sending in my resume for it. :P
Okay i know compared to the past few paras of this entry, i seem less enthusiastic abt this and honestly, its my nerves and my doubts and my promises...Ive confirmed the SSO thing. Ive got the kindermusic...and if I do this, I have to cancel the rest....(pls dont scold me) Also, my eyesight sucks...cant read the bloody prompter...shit...But dont worry, im gonna try it anyway hehehehe Im imaginign allt he stuff i can do as a VJ. Id be able to host! But the down side of it all is that i have to dress up n go socialize...that i dislike...or rather, i cant be bothered to do... :(
I know I did promise someone that I'd go for an audition after graduation...guess much as everything else changes through time, that promise I'll uphold :)
LOVE!!!!!
The resident band, 9 lives was playing the matchbox 20 songs n they played smooth, bent and other excellent songs!!! WWAAAHHHHHH ROB THOMAS IS DAMN HOT!!! (rest assured..no consumption of alcohol)
I came out high! hahaha high because of all that music and the urge to dance, and high because of the emcees!!! THE HOSTS!!! FLYING DUTCHMAN N GLEN!!!! I know im not star struck but HELL am I DJ struck!!! I admire the dutchman tot he core! he gets my absolute support and strong salute man!! He cracks jokes the way he breathed! he's a natural! Glen on the other hand, was probably forced to take the back seat when it comes to MR FLYING DUTCHMAN!!! He's a pure genius!!!!! He worked the stage, cracked jokes, made the audience laugh with stomach cramps!!! I am in awe of him!
That's wat a radio DJ and a host about! Entertaining the crowd!!! Its bcoz of them and the matchbox 20 songs that i enjoyed myself! :)
I came out satisfied hahah having seen the lords of the hosts and the singer of the songs!
My deepest and most heart felt respect to rob thomas and the flying dutchman!!!
Im very very very glad that I got to see this. hahahha :)
PLUS!!! I got this news from my colleagues during the party, they're having a VJ audition tomorrow...Im thinking of sending in my resume for it. :P
Okay i know compared to the past few paras of this entry, i seem less enthusiastic abt this and honestly, its my nerves and my doubts and my promises...Ive confirmed the SSO thing. Ive got the kindermusic...and if I do this, I have to cancel the rest....(pls dont scold me) Also, my eyesight sucks...cant read the bloody prompter...shit...But dont worry, im gonna try it anyway hehehehe Im imaginign allt he stuff i can do as a VJ. Id be able to host! But the down side of it all is that i have to dress up n go socialize...that i dislike...or rather, i cant be bothered to do... :(
I know I did promise someone that I'd go for an audition after graduation...guess much as everything else changes through time, that promise I'll uphold :)
LOVE!!!!!
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
depression...
Before you get all worried and jump into conclusions, let me explain...
I read a poem today...my fren's poem...it sparked off a conversation I had with her about poetry and how to me, it just seems fascinating yet complex...exactly like rocket science. Hence my conclusion that literature is rocket science. We talked about Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf. Both known to be extrodinary writers in their own way yet both very depressed and eventually...suicidal. According to my friend, Sylvia killed herself by sticking her head into a microwave...Virginia on the other hand, stuffed her coat with rocks one fair afternoon and decided to drown herself...
Theses are two of the many many artists who are well known for their crafts and also depression and insanity...Van Gogh is another.
What I started to wonder, was why. Why did they feel such a dire urgency to leave this world? What was it that drove them into insanity? Into depression? Into death? Is being creative a double-edge sword?
My fren thought that maybe they wanted sooo much to excel in their craft that they drove themselves into insanity. Somehow I think not...
I think these people loved what they do because it gave them a place to relieve their thoughts...via songs, poems, stories, diaries..etc... They needed soo much to voice out what they had to say and they loved it. They loved writing or song writing or writing poems. The more they loved it, the more they did it. The more they did it, the more it made them tap into their deepest minds and subconscious and feelings. The more they opened their eyes even to the smallest details in the world. It made them see more things than a normal person. It made them feel more than a normal person...but the stuff that they saw more...was more depressing than happy.
I agree with my fren that the times we are more creative...is when we are sad or down ...anything that is negative. It always seems then that we are more intouch with ourselves... I write my best songs when im in my darkest moments! Not surprisingly, all or most of my work are melancholy...sad...slow...but...that touch the heart. Its the sadness and the sorrow that seems to connect hearts more. Ask yourself, whats your favourite song? Maybe most of you will name a song that contains sorrow, breakups, I still love yous, You're gone, some of you will name hotel california, fade to black, nothingelse matters, right here waiting, ode to my family, nirvana's songs, etc, stairway to heaven...etc...
Another thing Im wondering , is about Virginia Woolf in particular...she had a very complex way of writing. According to my fren, she wrote words as they came out of her mind. Simply taking what she's thinking and pasting it on a book. No rephrasing, no further explanation n stuff. That's why it's so hard to read her books. I know that i write like that as well...I know that because att he end of the day, my diary entries always seem messed up, choppy and only i can understand it...But isnt that wat a diary is for? to write down what you feel and think rite? Yet...this makes me only more intruiged by her...and I'm even thinking about reading some of her works more intensely...Makes me wish I cud meet her...Find out what she's thinking...
Whatever is it, literature will always seem like rocket science.
As for myself...im doing fine..although not as well as last week. Some things I wish I cud settle fast but I cant...Anyway, more of that next time.
LOVE
I read a poem today...my fren's poem...it sparked off a conversation I had with her about poetry and how to me, it just seems fascinating yet complex...exactly like rocket science. Hence my conclusion that literature is rocket science. We talked about Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf. Both known to be extrodinary writers in their own way yet both very depressed and eventually...suicidal. According to my friend, Sylvia killed herself by sticking her head into a microwave...Virginia on the other hand, stuffed her coat with rocks one fair afternoon and decided to drown herself...
Theses are two of the many many artists who are well known for their crafts and also depression and insanity...Van Gogh is another.
What I started to wonder, was why. Why did they feel such a dire urgency to leave this world? What was it that drove them into insanity? Into depression? Into death? Is being creative a double-edge sword?
My fren thought that maybe they wanted sooo much to excel in their craft that they drove themselves into insanity. Somehow I think not...
I think these people loved what they do because it gave them a place to relieve their thoughts...via songs, poems, stories, diaries..etc... They needed soo much to voice out what they had to say and they loved it. They loved writing or song writing or writing poems. The more they loved it, the more they did it. The more they did it, the more it made them tap into their deepest minds and subconscious and feelings. The more they opened their eyes even to the smallest details in the world. It made them see more things than a normal person. It made them feel more than a normal person...but the stuff that they saw more...was more depressing than happy.
I agree with my fren that the times we are more creative...is when we are sad or down ...anything that is negative. It always seems then that we are more intouch with ourselves... I write my best songs when im in my darkest moments! Not surprisingly, all or most of my work are melancholy...sad...slow...but...that touch the heart. Its the sadness and the sorrow that seems to connect hearts more. Ask yourself, whats your favourite song? Maybe most of you will name a song that contains sorrow, breakups, I still love yous, You're gone, some of you will name hotel california, fade to black, nothingelse matters, right here waiting, ode to my family, nirvana's songs, etc, stairway to heaven...etc...
Another thing Im wondering , is about Virginia Woolf in particular...she had a very complex way of writing. According to my fren, she wrote words as they came out of her mind. Simply taking what she's thinking and pasting it on a book. No rephrasing, no further explanation n stuff. That's why it's so hard to read her books. I know that i write like that as well...I know that because att he end of the day, my diary entries always seem messed up, choppy and only i can understand it...But isnt that wat a diary is for? to write down what you feel and think rite? Yet...this makes me only more intruiged by her...and I'm even thinking about reading some of her works more intensely...Makes me wish I cud meet her...Find out what she's thinking...
Whatever is it, literature will always seem like rocket science.
As for myself...im doing fine..although not as well as last week. Some things I wish I cud settle fast but I cant...Anyway, more of that next time.
LOVE
Monday, May 16, 2005
so...
jus came back from tuition. Very tired...
Today...was an eventful day in a not so good kind of way. Got a call from one of my sistas and she was feeling abit down. She was wondering if we could meet at our usual spot...to talk. Hearing her tone n the fact that we usually go to that spot when we're down, i figure that she was having abit of trouble...of the heart.
I wanted to meet her after tuition because i knew that sometimes the best way to get over something, is to talk...i wanted to be there. Yet...eventually, sadness tends to tire ones body very fast...its a natural temporary remedy...because when we sleep, we forget...or our feelings become less intense int he morning.
As for me...ive been having my own times...got an sms from my ex...details of this sms will stay confidential for now...but im pretty sure that you will hear more in due time...dont count on me being happy though. :/
My time in MTV will be up soon...in abt2 weeks time...planing to get a pic w denise n utt (cross fingers) hahaha
I know today's entry is abit choppy...quite frankly, i havnt gotten used to it...also beause my thought are in a mess today...
Anyway..take care everyone. Right now, Im praying that my sis is safe n sound in Japan. Doesnt matter if she gets me anything..jus as long as she's safe. :)
LOVE
Today...was an eventful day in a not so good kind of way. Got a call from one of my sistas and she was feeling abit down. She was wondering if we could meet at our usual spot...to talk. Hearing her tone n the fact that we usually go to that spot when we're down, i figure that she was having abit of trouble...of the heart.
I wanted to meet her after tuition because i knew that sometimes the best way to get over something, is to talk...i wanted to be there. Yet...eventually, sadness tends to tire ones body very fast...its a natural temporary remedy...because when we sleep, we forget...or our feelings become less intense int he morning.
As for me...ive been having my own times...got an sms from my ex...details of this sms will stay confidential for now...but im pretty sure that you will hear more in due time...dont count on me being happy though. :/
My time in MTV will be up soon...in abt2 weeks time...planing to get a pic w denise n utt (cross fingers) hahaha
I know today's entry is abit choppy...quite frankly, i havnt gotten used to it...also beause my thought are in a mess today...
Anyway..take care everyone. Right now, Im praying that my sis is safe n sound in Japan. Doesnt matter if she gets me anything..jus as long as she's safe. :)
LOVE
Saturday, May 14, 2005
chee...why am i doing this...
I realized that ive written in my diary for close to 10 years..over the years..my diary has become like an additional fren to me, heard what i had to say, wat i felt....everything...and that has made me close up as a physical person. Ive channelled all my thoughts n feelings into a book and forgotten how to channel them through my voice, my expressions. ive become such a poker face, such a scaredy cat to talk, to express...that...im no longer the outgoing, funny, loud person i used to be. Much as i really cared inside abt certain things...i never expressed it...i never felt the need to express it...bcoz i knew i had a diary to talk to. Now, i know im wrong...yet, technology has given me a way to both write n show what i feel to those i love or like or dont like or hate etc...
Its probably a good way for pple to know me without having to go through the first few embarrassing moments of qns. :)
So here I am! Lets get started!
PS: Im new at this game so if i dont come up with prize winning entries, pls find it in ur magnanimous heart to forgive n forget. :P
PS: I dont really care abt my sucky handwriting, sometimes its just coz im typing too fast that my fingers fumble..so...sorry lah :) Tahan abit can rite!
LOVE
Its probably a good way for pple to know me without having to go through the first few embarrassing moments of qns. :)
So here I am! Lets get started!
PS: Im new at this game so if i dont come up with prize winning entries, pls find it in ur magnanimous heart to forgive n forget. :P
PS: I dont really care abt my sucky handwriting, sometimes its just coz im typing too fast that my fingers fumble..so...sorry lah :) Tahan abit can rite!
LOVE
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