Saturday, April 28, 2012

Wisdom

Was speaking to one of my brothers at 3am in the morning. Given my already slightly sleepy and multitasked brain, I decided that it was appropriate to listen to him because he wasn't feeling too good about life. Or to me more accurate. He felt confused but wasn't sure why.
Anyway certain things were spoken about which I will not mention but one of which was wisdom. I guess there were some things that I mentioned which made him comment that I had become wiser. 
while I would argue that I was quite wise to start with, a small part of me went, " really? I know people have said that to me before but...really?" And the next question the little voice said was " how?"

As I was walking down the street to school, this topic suddenly popped into my mind again. Where did my wisdom come from? Im inclined to say, from God. Because even I have no idea how I gathered certain wise thoughts..and even if I did conjure them up, what factors made me determine that they would be true? So I attribute it to God. 

Yet, while I might be seen as wise, there are many times where I feel like kicking myself in the butt for illy things that were done on impulse or emotions that the wiser me would not have allowed. Also bringing up the past relationship I had that wasn't a wise move on the overall. It would have saved me zoo much heartache if I had heeded my wise self. All these proves that no matter how wise someone is, there are times where its just hard to heed ones own advice. Because the emotions were stronger than the wise one. Call it the devil vs the angel. Its not that the wise little me wasn't speaking aloud or even shouting at me or nagging me. Its not that the rest of me didn't register the wisdom..its that at that point of time, wisdom wasn't followed upon.

Such is human nature. To follow ones wisdom all the time would require constant objectiveness, impartialness and copulous amounts of discipline. Not easy. Maybe the body has an innate intention to rebel from even oneself.

While enjoying my breakfast before going back to school, was looking at Facebook. This website has become my sole source of communication to the SG world. The best app that gave me a ready update on how my SG friends and family is doing without me having to ask " hey hows life" to individuals.

Anyway I came across someone's comment about her parents making her grow up but restricting her freedom. The common frustrations that both parents and growing teens have which other.
I admit that I would still be having this frustration if I was in SG now. Can even hear my mum nagging me about spending more time at home.

But my reply to my friend's comment (and i view this as my little wise self 's wisdom) Parents spend at least 1.5 decades learning how to protect us and care for us. From when our mums got pregnant. Its been a continuous learning process. And theres never a moment where either parents  fully know if what they are doing is right. There will always be doubt. But just when they feel like they may have gotten the hang of it, we grow too big of that protective shield and need to break out to find out who we are. The conflict starts because the parents now have to unlearn everything about how to protect you and learn how to become more of a mentor/friend.

Some parents fail/barely pass/score at this but all this is due to what they learnt from their own parents who are/were their only teachers. Also the way they teach is affected by their own learning process in life and their life experiences.

Thus is life... 


Looking back at my own parents, I know I have been too harsh with them at many points in time. my emotional side has often disregarded the wise me's words. Thats because they often treated me with the h same methods too. And maybe one instinctively reacts to others with the similar method to communicate with them in the same way. Alike how one would felt eh need to speak the same language as the one they are speaking to to relate better to them.
Angry comments beget angry comments, wise words beget wise words, smile begets smiles, etc

Hmm interesting :)

K going back to vectorworks now. :)

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Burst of laughter and freedom and revelation!

Its so easy to be engulfed by your sorrows. And believe me no sorrow is too small to make someone feel down and out. Especially being alone in Sydney, sometimes it takes its toll.
Anyway today while surfing the net, I came across something that made me heaps happier!
Its like my confusion and sadness was immediately wiped away! I dont know if it will come back to me at this point Im happy to be happier! :)
It finally hit me in the face..well not a physical thing obviously. and amazingly enough..while it did sting, it also cleared my mind! And while im not sure if this small fact or hint I found was true, Im gonna deem it as true anyway because it keeps me in the right direction. :)
Yap I know whoever reads this now is confused but at this point I dont care hahahahaha
Im gonna keep this fact in my head and use it to stir myself off from sadness and keep working at bettering my life.
Thank you God for helping me find this. I guess this is what I lost sight of hahahah and now that Ive found it, I know what to do and what to feel :)
In fact, this is the 2nd time Im doing this...come to think of it...
Last time I did that, it took some time but it worked. This time it will work too in fact easier.

I dont know how to say it but Im relieved! Im happy! I feel a load off my back! I feel like I have a renewed energy to go on again! hahahahahha

Okay enough of ranting..back to essay!

Thanks God!

God Bless!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Last friday before freedom flies away

don't know where to begin actually... lets start with..I miss SG..or I miss home...

In the midst of washing my hair, a thought hit me..that much as I know its worth me being here in Sydney, I suddenly didn't know why and that the place that I actually wanted to be in was SG.

Don't get me wrong, there are people here whom I love and would miss...but the entire feel of the place...doesnt seem like it could be home. And while I do love my room and bed in Sydney, and even love my housemates, I could never term it as home either...and the funny thing is I don't know why.

What I do know however, is I miss the people I know in SG, I miss the me in SG, I miss the colour, culture, activities in SG. knowing fully well that yes there are boring days in SG City.

Yet still...I love SG more.

I knew from young that I would leave SG to stay in another country unless factors force me to...even now my stand is still there.

As I told my ex housemate/sister/penpal, Sonal, maybe its because Ive been in SG for 20+ years that its just a lot harder to fit into another countries mould. Maybe being a SGporean who grew up with so much difference in culture and religion and languages..makes certain countries pale in comparison...No offence..
Makes living here..abit bland...

I must also state now that Ive been very unfair to those i love whom I can't see all the time anymore. Its unfair for me to feel down and neglected just because u guys have your own lives to worry about and msges just take a backseat to that. Its unfair for me to feel like I deserve an immediate reply from you guys on watsapp or Kiks or Viber or any other form of communication. Im sorry. 

Also to a close friend of mine, is unfair for me to demand so much off you when there is nothing between us anyway. yet I find myself getting irritated over the a mere unreplied msg..or even find myself getting happy over the chance to communicate with you that I go overboard. I must seem like a needy, dependent and obsessive person. I hate being that. It may seem bait drastic but Ive taken to the measure of communicating to everybody else but you..leaving u as the last resort...because there isn't a point. And while I admit this is true, its especially true in your case, I call you my brother because you can only be so. And I'm convincing myself on that fact all the time. Im not gonna burden u with my nonsense because the more i burden you, the guiltier i feel and the more i feel distant from you. which is ironic...
anyway, Im sorry...

have been doing abit of recording these few days. I conclude that my voice sucks. Im out of tune..my voice isn't strong...I sound like a guy coz my voice is so low... listening to my own recording literally made me cry. unhappy tears k. not happy overjoyed tears
while I'm slowly getting the hang of it, Im not getting over the fact that its not good. I know people have told me that I have a good voice..yet it just seems that I can't trust them until i hear from an expert... I know Im my worst critic...but one can't argue with pitch...And seeing as my voice isn't up to standard...

All this just makes me question myself. and also doesn't make me a happy camper...

As my brothers would advise 1) relax in a corner, clear my head and it what i feel like Ive lost, will appear 2) write everything down, sentence by sentence and it will appear.

What will appear, something Ive lost...something I don't know about..yet I know Ive lost it..

God Bless


Thursday, April 12, 2012

the beauty of languages and cultures

I miss being able to speak to my malay friends with fragments of malay words mixed in english. Miss having Sonal around me to train my Hindi hahaha or have hte burmese students around to wish them Happy Thingyan Festival. :)

Been training my berhasa melayu with one of my friends, Z. In fact, we got to know each other through another friend. was jamming with them while back in SG the last time. Fun! its been useful. Given allt eh standard boring things in life now, learning a new language seems like a new way to stimulate my brain in other ways. And besides, knowing as how i will be working in hand with audio people and theatre people in the long run, its a good idea to learn. :) While doing so, it allows me to appreciate the malay race more. Not that I never appreciated them before..but because I dont know them enough, I dont always dare to speak to them...

I miss the intl students..miss their forthcoming nature. miss how they daringly come together to make friends with pple of different backgrounds and by 3 years, are filled with such a rich knowledge of cultures that they are never the same. because of htem, Im never the same too. :)

Today is Thingyan, for the past 2 days, there have been news of earthquakes around Aceh, today is SP Flag Day, so many things today! So mnay things that mean something to me today. My indon students and their families, my burmese students and their celebrations, my intl students and their ISFO tomorrow...my family and their safety...

All of that linked to my appreciation of knowing these pple. Its not a place tha makes me love it. Its the people and the culture they establish and maintain that I love. The memories that they give me that I love. :)

Started pasting alot of things on my room wall. 1 side has photos of my grandparents, jesus and my ex-maid (whos like a mum to me), 1 side has allt eh photos I bothered to print out..1 side has glow in the dark stars with postcards etc...by the time Im done with this 3 years, my walls will be full of memories...more precious than my facebook wall!

Thank God for the numerous languages and cultures around that make life so colourful!

K back to work... :/

God Bless

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Again Im reminded that politics is a bitch...

Mum sent me an email reminding me not to be too open on my facebook. These days, even bosses can check on me. I agree to that but at the same time I dont agree..of course to different extents.

Im reminded how politics playing is a game I hate. Yet people who play politics intentionally, love stuff off facebook....whether I know it or not, Im sure that people would have said nasty things about me..how nasty, I dont know.

But Ive learnt that I shouldnt let all that get to me. Coz I have a God who looks after me.He keeps me in favour with people.

I wont take all that for granted. I will work hard... but I wont let it affect me more than it would need to be.

In fact now that Im studying, I learn really quickly how word travels in this particular industry...

Hmm well...this just serves to remind me to work harder as well...

Gambattee!

God Bless

Sunday, April 08, 2012

Fairy Tale Shmary Tale...

Was watching Penelope half way and gave up. Typical story of a girl and a guy and how looks can be deceiving, and the sacrifice of the guy for hte happiness of a girl etc etc

Abit of my heart is warmed by it and abit of my braina nd imagination is relishing in the beauty of the fairy tale

But the sceptical and cynical me knows that fairy tales are fake and if they even exist in this world, its in story books and our imagination. And those who feel like they are living a fairy tale, things are most probabaly not what they seem..hence they are living in a deluded view of the world...

K all that was really mean and negative and cynical...

That said, after switching off the tv mid-movie, I had to ask God, "what about me?" The answer is " in due time. I have someone for you. But it will come in due time"

I think despite how I know real life is different from fairy tale, abit of me still hopes for one. And thats precisely why I stopped watching it...because it would never be fairy tale like.

I believe my God more than I believe storybooks. :)

Anyway..yes just venting.

I had a wonderful Easter church service. The worship and just being inte h room was something that filled my lungs and heart with something good and peaceful that is unexplainable. I felt at peace. :)

Im gonna keep fighting to stay in touch with God. I dont wanna lose the feeling of his peace and goodness again..like how I was last year,,,or maybe even the beginning of this year...

God Bless

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Lighting

So lighting isnt my strength..its confusing to me..but given my role in Loot this term, Im gonna have to bite the bullet and make hte best out of it. In fact its soo easy to give up that its harmful...

I know for sure that Im happy figuring out sound/audio/music stuff that I obviously am more of a sound person...

After Soundtrack, I've missed the sound desk... digital or analogue