...

the scorpio worst traits are: over sensitivity, emotional and posessive....
God forbid that I would ever carry across those emotions....

Did a personality test recently and the rsults are..pretty much wat i know....a very private person...low in confidence...etc..but high in emotions.
Really..wats new. But coz Im a private person...I dont show my emotions..asort plus in a way...coz then i wudnt be known as emotinally high strung in front of alot of pple.

Went for my sista's birthday yesterday. I knew what I was getting into but I didnt know how tough things wud get. Im not gonna start explaining what happened...just that for me, I cudnt stay in the same place for a long time..I had to walk around...to get myself away fromt he place. I have no probs hanging out w a group of indians man! Even if they speak tamil or hindi most of the time.There was only one thing i wasnt comfortable with. :) Im sorry sis...i really tried....its not that i dont want to hang out w all of you guys. Id love too! Id love to be part of all this! but....I just wont be able to stay for long....not w that noe thing....I loved yesterday....:0 Loved the jokes and erything and i wish we cud have that again! but im sorry if i wudnt be able to stay for long.
Thank heavens one of my frens came as well....he was really my saving grace man.... really.... :)

By the time i was home (missed bowling) i was tired...mentally and physically. Wanted to sleep when my dad came in, on the lights and started to question why i was so tired. WAT!?!?! he asked why i was so pale then asked whether it was because i was drinking......thinkgin abt it later i realized how dumb that was....wud i be pale if i was drinking. Sarcastically i replied, "No. Wud you like to smell my breathe?" maybe it wasnt even a question...more like rhetorical.

I realized how different i am compared to her frens...and honestly...i dont think id ever be the same. Even family wise. Her family is close-knitted. my family is ...just plain..broken. In fact allt he indians i know..have nice close families! The chinese i know.....dont have em. only a hand full can be counted as close. Mine isnt one of them.

Anyway...i wish my sista allt he happiness in the world. She deserves it as a person. I love her loads and wud do everything to help her...God, please take care of her. :)

Likewise for all of you. please take care of yourselves.

LOVE

:)

its saturday again! Today is a special day! My sista's birthday!!!
Cant wait to see her today!!! :P

had tuition yesterday and spoke to my kid. I wanted him to understand that...he can be upset and i can be upset...he can hate tuition and so can I. we have things in common! But tuition has always been good for us.

My sis has gone to malaysia today for trekking. God please take care of her. :(

Work has been good actually....feeling less stressed...I know my face hasnt been all that cheerful int he office...but its coz I just keep thinking of work! I dont want to dissappoint AGAIN....everytime something goes wrong (esp bcoz of me) i feel like I got hit with a gong...sigh My introvertness is also coming out...coz im stressed...

Aikido class starts next tuesday...:P finaly! k please ah! next time please moderate ur lame jokes or u might find urself ont he floor :P Nah!

I cant wait for next wednesday! NDOC! Wohooo!!!! :P I'll get to go back to sch again! One of my officers sugested hiring me on project basis. :D Im game actually!I know alot of u would be wondering why I dont get a proper job...well...I dont even think Im suitable for a proper job! K its alittle tooe arly to say right... :( I m the kind who really cant visiaulize myself sitting at a desk from 9-6, doing paper work. In fact, my job at SSO is about the best job Ive done! Coz i get to move around for different projects or events.
Honestly..IM still dreaming of being a radio dj...or even a compere part-time. Im hoping that I'll be able to get contacts fromt he many pple I know.

Just dled all my pics from SSO, into my C drive..something tells me that my hard drive will crash soon if I dont burn them all hehehehe Not to mention all the upcoming graduation photos! Wohoooo! Thats why i can only develop a few pics hahaha if not Id be spending loads of money man! Not to mention having to get another photo album just to store all of them! And u know wat....i just realized! I didnt take a pic w my parents...for graduation! it never occured to me till now! is that weird? Not even w my sister! I wanted to take with all my frens that I forgot to take w my parents! Also...I forgot to take with the saa staff! esp ms angel!

abt comperes...although ms angel is no longer the officer in charge...I still thank her loads. the 1st impression of her was hat she was very fierce and honestly, we were all scared of her! But somehow, something made me want to challenge that...to break the perception...all started when i remarked that she looked fierce. I guess she's the one who knows more abt my ex and I than any other teacher. Coz afterall..if you wanna put it in a way..she was the one who set the "stage" for us to meet. hahahaha

Anyway..im just happy that ive lived my past 3 eyars with soo much excitement and fireworks! hahahahaha

Okay on a more serious note...
This is a personal perception okay...dont quote me please...
I read the I weekly yesterday and read abt Silver...Personally, my impression of her has never been good but nvm. Her bio says that she's from Ngee Ann poly and that in a way...made me wonde rif its a typo error.....or a deliberate mistake...as in....was it the editor or writer's fault..or did silver decide to not let herself be know as a student of SP. If the latter is the case....then my perception of SIlver has worsen...definitely! SP would be the 3rd dearest home of mine..soon to be the 2nd (when my sec sch gets demolished)

K this is a bad way to end my entry but ....Nature Big bro is calling me..gotta answer his call real bad. :P *peace*

LOVE

....

time check...7am in the morn...slept at arnd 10 last night..not to mention falling asleep att he dinner tabbbbble...
its just the 2nd and 3rd day of being a fresh poly grad.

btw..i think miao miao is pregnant...of course im not too sure how to see it, but theres a small pouch hangning from her belly and everytime i try to touch it, she comes on to me w her feet and a little bit of claws. doesnt matter...i know she wudnt really hurt me. I just hope that...she will give birth to a cute little kitten...cant wait to see it.

Ive been looking at myself and wondering how id survive the future...weighing my options....everyone's got high hopes for me..saying i hud go and make use of my singing abilities...much as i love to, i cant...coz my singing isnt s good as everyone thinks of it to be. I did a character test yesterday...and my colleagues and boss was looking at it...lets just say...im not fit for the real world hahahah
I am too emotional for my own good. No doubt noone is perfectly suitted for the working world the 1st time they step into it...everything takes a little bashing here and there to make it fit.

As for my singing...im thinking of quitting or rather....takeing a break from it...the prob w my singing..is that im singing fromt he throat and not the diaphragm....coz of this, my voice isnt strong...i wud liken my singing to be like a pretty house but with a weak foundation..ie: on stilts. So...im gonna get one of my colleagues to help me...help me find my diaphragm :P Till i can find it..maybe i shud stop for awhile!
As for the upcoming performances i have..I'll still sing..coz ive promised hehehe
i guess now that i know my singing really isnt as good....its a bit harder to imagine myself pursuing a chance at singing. obviously not pro singing...i dont know...we'll take things step by step.

TOday is gonna be a long day...got tuition after work...another time to face the kid. He's starting to hate me actually...I cant say i dont care hoe he feels...just that i dont have a choice.


u all tc..congrats to all those who have graduated!

love

I almost lost it....:)

Before I go on...let me forwarn you that this entry will be th elongest ive ever written. :) Its abt the graduation....So unless uve got a half and hour break to spare..dont bother hahahahaha..nah just joking. :P
Btw, heres the link to my grad speech (its way at the end of the ceremony)
http://www.sp.edu.sg/graduation2005/webcast.htm (session 2)

Here goes:(26 July)
I woke up w a sudden realization that today was the end of my 3 years in SP. maybe its mix feelings....leaving what i so came to love..yet leaving to pursue other things that I have a passion for...reminscing..i can only say that my life esp in SP, has been full of ironies....:) Some things id want to forget..something i cant forget..some things i dont want to forget....all of them..almost enuff to bring me to tears....I went super early to sch coz i wanted to monkey arnd sch for the last time...I even thought abt what to wear! Like hell im gonna wear my blazer n skirt to sch! I wore jeans and my comperes shirt instead...for a reason..to salute to comperes..as respect..in appreciation...afterall everything i had gone through in my 3 years...sprouted out from one thing..comperes...:) I wore it with pride!
The 1st place i wanted to go when i reached sch..was the graduation tentage outside the convention centre..why? Coz my compere juniors were there! ive missed them sooo much ever since i left sch! I wanted to sit around with them...crack stupid jokes...take stupid pics..do stuff we used to do!
We sat down, laughed, talked abt graduation..abt work..abt sch..abt the club....
Then time drew nearer and i felt like every seconda that came closer to my graduation...was making my heart beat faster...exponentially...
I went to the clubhouse....a place where i cud mantally calm myself down...sorta like my home....for the past 3 years....even as i walked upt eh stairs to the clubhouse..i cudnt help but slow down...as if every step was like reliving the past...or more like...making full use of that seconds of climbing..to feel it..to feel the feeling of climbign that stairs..opening the door and standing in front of the clubhouse...see it again...firstly without the lights on..then..as i turn ont he lights..everything int ehre seemed to great me..."welcome home"....all this wud be gone the moment i finish my speech and walk out fo the convention centre in les than an hours time.
in the clubhouse..i found the serenity i needed...the place that i was surrounded with heaps of memories that kept my heart from jumping out of its position..kept me warm...
When i went downt o the convention centre...one thign was on my mind...frens...I got crazy when i saw one of them! any of them! I didnt go over to say hi! I skipped and jumped and ran over to say hi!!! I was high!! :P All of them were like pieces of treasure that ive so longed to meet up with again! I gave all fo them a hug!! A BIG HUG! and for those who were soooo dear to my heart...even a kiss on the cheek! ...No im not lesbian!
Byt eh time the diploma receiveing time came, I parked myself att he end of the 1st row, just NEXT to the receipients who are waiting for the turn. Everyone of them I knew, I said hi and congrats ..beieve me when I say that I cud not keep the grin off my face!
Many of them were wondering why I was sitting in the 1st row. When everybodyelse was sitting on top! I cud only say 1 thing, "you'll find out later"
I know some of them knew...but its okay.. :) I still wanted it to be a surprise for them.
I admit! my speech turned out horrendous in the end! Coz i fumbled alot! Im dissappointed as a compere...to see myself online...Im dissappointed by myself... to make silly mistakes..mistakes that i wudnt have made during my training..sadly..my nerves got the better of me. Another thing that affected me....was everybody int eh room. Not that there were soo many pple there...but that...alot fo them were my frens...alot of them..knew what i was saying..because they've been through my 3 years with me. And being able to say all this...I felt like I was saying a thank you tot hem...for being there when i was at my worst and at my best....There are soo many things id wanted to say..aside from what was in my speech...but to be politically correct, I had to cut out alot of what i wanted to say.... :( Even that which iw anted to say to my sister...
What i thought wud never happen (the emotions) came to me..even before I started the speech...Im sorry to my dear trainers who haev worked so hard..only to see me fumble...
I guess the only part im proud of, is when i sang..its was for everyone i loved...:)
I heard pple whistling at my singing...after singing..they all clapped for me....the clapped that made allt he difference for me on that day. I wanted to sing it for my fren, nuu as well. I wanted the whole speech to be for the both of us.
It was an honor to be at the VIP room after the whole session..it was an honor to introduce my parents to my principal and director...in a way..it was like saying to my dad once again..that "this is what ive done..Im not a stupid girl who will hang with bad company and start drinking or smoking the moment i was offered a cigarette or drink" "i've grown up" "its time you knew that"
My director was asking him how i got my talents...my dad said in this teary eyes..that he finally knew why i was so stubborn....to me...it might have hurt alittle...in fact it does hurt alittle...only to do this much and be awarded by a sarcastic comment...but knowing my dad...he was never able to compliment....he was never able to come up with a proper "you did well, gd for you..Im proud of you" I used to hate it...hate having such a sarcastic dad..one who never knew enuff....now....i only dislike it..but try not to let it get to me...
I guess if i wasnt trying to be polititcally corect...i wud have remarked in that conversation, "well lets say i grew up in stubborness" or " I learnt fromt he best"...instead..i said, "well heres where all my talent came from"
Much as the VIP was grand..i didnt get food to eat..nor was i keen on staying there for long..coz. I had more impt pple to attend to. MY FRENS!
Its a pity that I cudnt show my dad who my best frens were (mostly indians)
I wanted him to see that event he best pple are indians...and that i have chinese frens as well.... Another kick i had was when we were all in the convention centre and they were showing videos of selected students and their experiences...one fo those selected..was an indian..my ex bf...For the few minutes...not only was i saddened ( alittle) abt how things cud have turned out another way....but also happy that my dad was finally able to see that my ex bf wasnt some hooligan or playboy. He was a smart boy! A guy with the looks and charm, the bod and best of all, the brains...
I guess (to be honest) this was a time i wante dto show my dad that iwa snt his small girl anymore.. that i had grown up.. that i wasn capable of being someone as well....sadly..i realize that being someoen can only be substantial if it was done int eh real world....i was only proud of myself...only
I went crazy when I went downstairs, to meet all my frens. We've never been to desperate to take pictures! We literally ran into each other with open arms! I felt.....I felt happy! I felt like...I was the most fortunate person int his world!
Like a family reunion! :D
In the end..i never got a chance to touch the food. I hadnt eatent eh whole day...coz I wanetd to spend as much time as i cud w my frens! Esp my 2 sistas...my ah kah and my thungichi! :P When i ran into my sistas arms...I immidiately cried.....esp when she said she felt like i was directly talking to her while iw as doing the speech..like it was meant for her. I cudnt hold it anymore...I really cried...and i cudnt stop....tears went down my cheeks like a broken faucet...I hugged my sistas liekt here was no tommorrow...technically..there isnt...coz we'd all be doing our own stuff! :(

Today...was the best day ive had in a long time!
To all my fellow graduads...congratulations! Let us all keep in contact yah! Dont lose touch! I lvoe all of you!

LOVE!

thinking too much?...

I got a testimonial from my colleague today..her comments are that I think too much...that I forget abt other things that I shud worry abt.... how does one tell when u think too hard? I think I get where she's coming from...i think...
There are many times when Id focus on one thing in a conversation..that i miss out the other info..or how i focus on one task..and i end up missing the other stuff...
The hard part is that..i naturally jump to thinking...and..if i do have such a prob..what cna i do to change that? mark it all down?
So far..Ive learnt alot from my work...and i really want to do this well....not that im desperate for them to take me in. (id love to stay but if i have to go, i have to go) but its experience that i can bring w me next time...in any work env....
I wish there was a work guru to teach me all this hehehehe
yes..everything is starting to be rocket science..the more you know..the more you feel that you know very little of the world
failure is success's mum hahahah
kk enuff crap and time for sleep. Tomorrow is a big day!!! u all tc!

LOVE

Thank you...

Went to church today...then went to my maternal grandma"s house and now...paternal grandma's house...took a butt numbing trip allt he way from the east tot he west....no matter!
Im okay with it.

Been trying to catch up w my kindermusik things...havnt really had the chance to learn the stuff but Im trying...

My mood today...better than yesterday...butnot exactly chirpy. Dont worry.

I guess...its hard for me to move on....moving on from SP is like......steping off from a world I know and love and wud definitely miss...into a world I hardly know anythign about! Dont misunderstand yah, I do look to the future! I look to the days I can host events, sing, perform, song write, be a dj..etc..thats what I want to do next time....but att his moment...I still miss every inch..every nook and cranny in the sch. Im not one of those who only got to know the SB and EEE side oft h sch. Ive been to very part of it. I know it like the back of my hand!

My sista is right...life is a journey...many chapters..all of them have an ending..but allof them connected in a way..to form the eventual grand ending...the finale..the end of my life. So..every chapter affects my ending.....this chapter is just the most exciting..most..exhilarating...most memorable...one....

But...like all chapters, its time to end it....

I can only pray...and hpe that i get over the ending of this chapter...and everythingelse that ive beent hrough inthis chapter...of course one thing will continue (i hope)...my frens....I hope my frens will move on tot he next chapter w me....coz they are what make up a chapter...
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God, I know I havnt been truly devoted to you....esp since some things have happened....but please hear me as I pray for all those that I love....all of us will have our own things to do...our own stories...its time to moveontot he next train station....but I prayt hat all those whom I have known and come to love so dearly...that you willt ake good care of them. watch over them...they are the most enduring pple, the sweetest pple Ive known...who have made such a difference in my life that...I wudnt know what to do if id lose them as frens....esp since we wudnt be in the same sch anymore....Keept hem safe, helptham fulfill their dreams....let there be a day where we'd all be able to meet again and reminise, laugh and tell tales and stories of our lives...as if we'd never left each other before. I know I sound or even may be idealistic at times...but i know this is possible...coz so far, you have given me that blessing..that priveilage...
Whereever my frens, sistas and bros may be int he future...let us always be connected God. By snal mail, email, phone or anythingelse...Thank you God.

Ive never been much of an open person..when it comes to face to face communication...so to all those whom Ive known in my poly days....You are all...what makes me feel like I dont want to moveon....because all of you made my poly life the best years ive had in my lifetime...I love all of you..if I had chance..Id give every one of you a hug! A really tight and BIG hug! :) No Im not trying to strangle or sffocate you...maybe its to fel the strong connection for the last time before we part...coz things might not every be the same after graduation....(i hope not)
God has been generous to give me soo many things in my poly years. I wudnt think or feel for a minutethat I regret not doing well in JC..coz if I had, I wudnt be in poly!
I wud have moved on to the Uni without even gettigt he chance to know all of you..and sharing so many wonderful moments w you!
Some of you have beent here to share my tears..some have beent here to share my joys..some have beent here to share my anger..some have been there to share my silly, kiddishness..and some of you have ben my imspiration..the inspirations to my songs....in fact....all of you. That is why a part of you and me and our memories will live on...from our songs....

All tihs, I wud love to say at the graduation...but I cant...I can only write it here...I love you guys...I really do....:)

love

...

wnet back to sch today...been missing the sch like crazy..played basketball for awhile..sweat and aches but its cool! Had a freezing shower int he sch toilet and it was GREAT! just like old days!
After that, everything went down hill....my bag was so bloody heavy that lugging it around literally changed mymood. met up w my frens to see the new library but ended up killing the moment w my lazy n irritated mood...sorry guys.. :( promise not to do it again.
I know ive changed abit since yesterday...its got something to do w the grad speaker thing actually...but save the details....just give me time to get over it....
Anyway...today, I saw miao miao and she's quite okay...getting more white hair though..is she tat old? She's probabaly the fittest cat int he neighbourhood! I hope she stays that way.
Today... and for the next few days..i think Im gonna be changed..a little...bear w me yah. Its not gonna be chaotic or disasterous....just that i wudnt be the "Hey! Wassup!"me...but the "hey..wassup?" me. Dont ask me why...coz I really can't tell you. Not that I dont know...just that I cant tell..or I dont like to tell. :)
To all my graduating frens...
The time is coming! I promise to make a dedication on my grad day! After 3 years in SP, what I will miss most..is the lifestyle..the people Ive come to love, the love n the frenship and the crazy moments... :)

soo much of love!

wats new? Im sleepy again..

K today was an exhilarating day and a tiring day..
Went to sch for the grad speaker selection..the final one...gave it my best shot..almost teared but didnt..and I got it. Im the final speaker...
I went there extra early coz I felt like touring the sch for abit..I miss it sooo much! How can I express a sense of belonging n missing so strong?
The strongest wave of missing and sadness came when I stepped into my clubhouse again...
I left a note there, telling all of those still in the club, that I missed them...I really do...I wrote this..

My life in SP has been like an F1 car on the race track....but it still leaves a trail. Hopefully through this trail, we will still keep in contact and remain the closest of frens...

I was....25mins tot he meeting time and before I left the clubhouse, I sat ont eh sofa for awhile. Just sitting there and staring at the room..everything in it....I felt like the room was...like a living thing...like the red violin..like...someone watching over me..us for the past 3 years. I did practically everything int his room! It was a part of every single happy stressed and sad moment in my life for the past 3 years...tears started to stream down. Call me sappy or highly sentimental...I cried here when I was in the end of a relationship, I laughed here when Iw as hanging w my clubmates...who are like bros and sistas to me...I danced here w my 2 best frens in SP..to bhangra and vaseegara, I sang here, I wrote songs here, I loved here, I studied here, I .....all my life's dreams took a big step here....I found my voice, my confidence, my love to emcee, sing, perform....EVERY BLOODY MEMORY! was forged from that small room! W the metal office tables and plastic chairs and age old sofa!

There has never been a single place that housed sooo much memory to me....so much and soo many types of memories.....

Like I said..I started to cry....cry coz Id be leaving behind the things I love to do most! leaving a comfort zone..leaving a part of me...leavingt he most extravagant and exciting 3 years of my life! Its like Im losing a part of my history!

I have only 2 wishes as I left the clubhouse today... that comperes would go back to its golden years int he next batch of students....that I would get a chance to step intot he clubhouse one day in years to come...and maybe say hi to it again...sit ont he sofa again..and say that Ive moved on....

love to you all

.....

Im dead tired....n dead stressed!......
Tomorrow is the grad speaker selection...Im close to peeing in my pants! ...NAH! Its just that I feel as if someone's come behind me and is slowly tightening the grip around my throat...yes...Im dead nervous! Really really nervous.
Its not like compereing where you can make mistakes and laugh at it....or even be givent he space of being stupidly crappy!
Plus...Im competing w a girl who has an endless source of energy...whom I admire..for that exact reason! She works very hard and thats just what sets her above me..her sheer hardwork!
Im also gonne see my ex again tomorrow...he's one of the chosen pple from his sch. I know it shudnt affect me anymore but it does. not in a sad way.....but...the akwardness I will have towards him..and the urge to show him that Im gonna be able to stand again. Plus, he is a GREAT speaker! The best I know..his voice is like cream! I know id never get to that stage...likewise..I admire him too....for his sheer talent...he's got so much talent that its oozing out of his ears...he's even got a great chracter to go with it..sigh hahaha
Anyway...Im just to tired to rehearse my script...and too tired to read through my work file.....shit...I dont wanna sink man! After going this far!

I guess by now..alot of you would thinkt hat Im a limelight seeker...maybe I am...Im starting to think so...I was abt to say that it was absurd to be shy and introverted and yet limelight loving att he same time.....but...being int eh limelight doesnt mean u show the real you..it may be a mask that you put on to hide that introvert, shy and quiet you! The alter-ego? is it?

Hahaha Catch the moon tonight yah. Its beautiful..the light it shines casts colours onto the clouds around it. Such that it seems like its got a rainbow halo around it.



Wish me luck you all! :) I'll need all of it!

LOVE

WARNING!!!

What you are about to read about could provide abit of discomfort to certain readers. NC16... Anyone with younger readers, please close their eyes while you read this.
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I blew out something that is mildly jelly like...w red linings inside....blood trails...Its transparent light yellow, as much consistency as a gummy bear and...it felt good! Well...the aftereffect that is...
Rest assured this will not be the last time I do this! There will be more! It will be back! Phlegm or mucus!
Im actually reading up on it! The prob w reading up on it, is thta u get crazy ideas in ur head that u might be sicker than u thought. Words like Bronchitis and Pneumonia can be scary....Having stayed int eh hospital because of pneumonia...I know the feeling...it suxs man!
Im even wondering if I shud get this stuff out through my nose!
Freaky..but In a way, Im glad I cud get this suff out of me...coz it cud result in blockage of my air passage...I cud very well die! Even when I had pneumonia.
Imagine...breathing in and not being able to do that without coughing...or breathing in n hear urself weezing...like how ur nose is partially blocking. it means my air way is partially blocked that it makes a sound.
...Anyway...

Was having abit of fun w my sis...she was playing half-life 2 and I was ..emm supporting her? hahah cheering her on? Hahahha She was attacked by a couple of zombies that looked like their heads were stuck in turkeys....in the state of panic, I told her, "quick! Grab that wheelie thing and throw it at them!" She did! hahahaha Two zombies got slashed and we reacted, "Cool!!" Hahahha
Good grief! hahahaha Her aimw asnt very good after that though hahahah
U know..even when this moment lasted for a few minutes...it was still great! hahaha Its great to spend time with my sis. Unlike for my dad though hahaha
Im just thankful that I have a sis to complain to or be silly with. hahahaha

Ive been thinking..how lucky Ive been to work int he places Ive been....meltdown,SPGG, MTV and now this! the thing is, all of them sorta offered different things to me. meltdown was more off admin...market research..while SPGG was events management in a smaller scale...like events company...MTV was media monitoring...PR..liasing w journalists and other branches around the world....n SSO...writing, events management...programme management...all of em are experiences and lessons I dont want to forget! I guess I worry that I forget the things I learnt or were shown or taught..it wud be an absolute waste....God please help me to learn from what I go through...

Another aim i have....is to learn more about music before i leave SSO. The interview w the violinist yesterday, gave me an insight....it will probably be the only time I get to rub shoulders w someone who knows how to playt he violin and is great at it!What do they think abt, how do they live....Something almost philosophical was his definition of music.
That whne he was still a kid, He'd defind good music as having to conform to certain unspoken rules..a template...but now that he's seen and played more...music is anything that can be conveyed witht he performers emotions..and touches the listener. So that is music! I never really thaught abt how music was definied actually..aside from thinking that trance and techno are not music.
maybe to me...music is sounds you can relate too? hmm that requires more thinking. according to the violinist, he has yet to come up w the meaning of music as well! Anywyway..im dead tired. Talk to u guys next time

LOVE

part 2 of 19 July...

So the concert was good! Why i say good? Coz Im not even knowledgeable in orchestral or band music! Seeing everyone in the office with musical background, I sorta wish i knew music too...as in music theory and know how to play a clasical instrument. Then maybe when my colleagues described the performance..Id be able to understand.
No harm done...I still tried my best..opened my already HUGE eyes to watcht eh performance. To a point where..I guess I was looking at the musicians play, more than listening to the quality of the performance.. a pity...I guess I was curious abt how a conductor conducts....how does the conductor move his amrs to symbolize a slowing down or softening down..or something!
When I watch a concert like that....wat moves me..is the tune of the piece....for others..its more on how well the trumpet is, the flute is...etc...so detailed!
Its like how I judge an emcee...some take it as it is...if the emcee looks happy n doesnt sound like he's dying, they're good. For me...the emcee has to look at the audience, cant fidget around, has to keep smiling, has to be fluent, has to show confidence even when he's makes a mistake! all that n more!
Hmmm really....listening to such music requires constant exposure to it..sorta makes me regret i wasnt in the band...or choir. To things I wish Id have joined when I had the chance to.
But I guess...look at it this way....that wud chance my way of life...If all that hads happened...I probably wudnt end up exactly where I am now...Im quite happy with my life now really... :)
Every experience is a learning experience.... I have to keep that in mind...

love

Busy days!!! Can only mean one thing...ive been doing work :P

Cant remember when was my last entry! emm sat? yeah...well...loads of fun stuff happened fr the past 3 days :)
Monday:
Work was painful...getting up was painful! Aches and pains...sigh. I realize that pain after workout is only shiok for one day... any longer and it will affect ur energy level. Then again, i didnt have to worry abt my energy level coz I had talk at CHIJ kellock. Some of the musicians were going there to perform for the students. In this case, the students were Pri 1-6.
Just looking at those girls, I cudnt help but reminise my old girl sch days hahaha in pinafold and belt...singing hymns hahaha The girls started to sing hymns before the talk and I cudnt help but grin! I even tried to follow the actions and the singing hahaha Those days....btw..the girls are damn cute!!!
The talk was great and the musicians were nice people! trying to give funny comments to make the kids laugh.
At the end of all this...Id be the one to write about it..I really hope it will be a good article man! No dissappointment.

Tuesday: (Today)
had an interview w one of the violinist in SSO. I guess it being the 1st time and this violinst being a very dua pai one, i got abit scared hahaha No worries! my colleague was wth me! because of her, i felt more comfortable. More like a conversation. Also, i had my trusty MP# player that ic ud use to record the interview. Hope I can hear the interview man! dun worry..i wrote down some points too. All in all, it was great! hahaha I think i wud have loved to have a longer chat with him...maybe coz to me...things like playing a musicial instrument or doing art just seem so rocket science! i guess im still hooked on The Red Violin...Which btw, the violinist did watch.....I forgot to ask him what he felt abt the violinist who played the piece..and what he thought of the piece. DRAT!
My colleague and I got caught int he rain.. :( Because of that, I ate jap food and we dropped byt eh Library hahaha...when allelse failed and we had to go back to the office, we mapped out thewhole route back to office. 1st to the mrt, then run across to capitol, then follow along the road to funan, take the overhead passgae way to Adelphi, walk to Supreme Court, run tot he old Supreme Court...Then RUN LIKE HELL across the street towards the Art House and eventually to Vic Concert Hall hahahahahaha All this we mentally noted down evenbefoe we reached the mrt.
The day doesnt end there! got a concert later at 7:30pm. need to run off now to grab food sooo I see u guys later. :D

take care peeps! HUGGIES

LOVE

remember the titans...

I teared in this one...tears of maybe happiness and sadness....These are one of the movies that get me talking through out the show and I wudnt even know Im talking! hahahaha
Those of you who havnt watched it, go borrow e vcd or something. Its a show abt football (rugby) and how it makes pple come together..the african americans and the ..... white americans (cant find a term to use)
Its disgusting how the african americans were treated...even now, I feel sick in the stomach abt it...the white americans were..so full of pride and ignorance and all self glorifying...so blinded...so resistant to change....the more change they were given, the more they hated it....Its not that there was anything to hate! Hate is driven from fear....They feared...they feared that someone would take something away .....to change things....take way the comfort zone. And all that was converted into blame and eventually (due to overflow of pride) it became hate... its sick....esp the older generation.........
The happy part was....seeing the blind be slapped in the face and awaken...to ssomething that is called....."the soul" Nothing is different when you feel of the skin of pple from different races. You dont have extra hands, no extra feet, no extra tails or claws or anything! Its all pure human flesh! When we die, we decay and return tot he same patch of land, the same earth, te same world.
When they won....I was in a high! Maybe idealism....for those few seconds...I was proud that pple can actually be.....tolerant of each other....maybe not love each toher per se...but to tolerate and respect. Thats one ting I think Spore has...maybe not all of the pple haev it..but in general....we respect each other's races...even enjoy it ourselves!...I know I do! All my ah kahs, thungichi, ah neh and thumbis....ah bangs....etc....I can only say one thing.....naan unnai kadiliki raain....(love you)....
This movie has the adrenalin...its all meaningful....Denzel Washington is great as ever! The feeling I get from watching how the players gel....is great!!!!

Today, I met up w my frens...believe it or not, they all seemed to be indians! hahah The frens I met up w today (didnt meet all of them at once) were indians! hahaha I love it! Just talking to them, brought back my poly days...the nonsense we used to do...like sitting at the cafeteria and chatting and laughing.....sitting int eh clubhouse and blasting the cd player while we danced hahahaah all of that was MAGIC...and I still cant believe that Im graduating in a few weeks time!

Anyway...my wish....at the end of this entry...is that the older generation wake up... That they dont judge pple byt he race or skin colour or other people's comments. ultimately....its their own story and ur own story....I know too many pple who suffer because of this....sad but true...it is the older generation who (much as htey feel more superior and knowledgeable...they are not wise...nor mature) If i cud have lesser people in this world like my cousin who thinks indians shud go back to India.....I wud be ever happy.....coz I wud never want to be int he same room w smoeone like that.

I also have to make a confession.....I too am guilty of judging pple by their appearances....I too need to wake up...but its also coz i fear....

love

sooo

Am i a magnet of trouble? hahah
I have a fren who smsed me today and asked me to be his witness if he gets married...I got a shock! Hes arnd my age and in my opinion...hes a tad bit young...his relationship is a tad bit young! But i learnt that...the strength of a relatinoship can not be judged my its length. of course...I wudnt be tat no abt a relationshp that just lasted an hour.
I told my fren...if he's sure of what he n his gf are doing..if they've thought it true clearly...Id be glad to.
The prob here is...his parents dont know abt it and wont approve to start with!
sooo really....I dont know...
Ive been in a similar situation to begin with and I can clearly say that we can never be sure of what our reactions will be until we are in that exact situation. we cant say that we'd be able to withstand our parents disapproval when we're not event here yet. To say you feel a certain way is different than to say what you should feel. Anyone get me?
To say you feel truly okay and happy is different from saying it because you shud be that way. eg: there are times when I say that Im fine coz I really am. but there are times that I say Im fine coz i know I hve to be....its also called self-deception.
In this case, Id wish them all the best. I hope they do get married int he end...coz I nkow he loves her alot...It pains me to see that the older genration still regards statues, race, money...its really just full of bullshit. Fine! You can be concerned abt that for our good, but..dun determine the value of the relationship by it. Its disgusting...
Anyway..to those of my frens who have this prob (seems quite a few) be of a brave heart....dont let the love of your life go. provided it really is the love of ur life. Or you'll en dup like me...looking at river taxis and wishing time wud turn back :)

take care yuall! No matter what happens, be strong! :)

LOVE

the wind...

Ahhhhh...went for lunch alone today..had to walk to raffles place to do some photocopying...yeah work. Got that settled, then went downstairs for a little subway hahaha
I know this sounds boring but hear me out.
Tried to find a place to sit but couldnt, so I walked out of the building, half of me ready to walk back to the office when i realized...HEY! I could sit along that green parklike area in the middle of the CBD. U know, the one just outside the mrt? So i sat and ate and watched pple pass by and watched the big screen....u know wat? Bloody hell! Ive become one of those poor thing execs who sit there during lunch! Im part of the working class!!! or I could be those who rested int he middle of interviews and interviews....like on tv...damn! hahahaha I never imagined that Id be there, sitting..eating, stoning! hahahahaha Soo yeah...reality check for me.
Lunch was healthy and filling and close to sleepy...I walked back via the cavenaugh (spelling salah i think) bridge and as i walked past, i saw the river taxis...felt the wind...smelt the sea water...ahhhh I think ive found a new spot to sit down, relax and reflect. :) Stood there for a good 10mins while pple, foreigners, kids,etc walked by and stared at me...WHAT!! I got food on my face? hahah kk relax..just kidding.
The trishaw guy called out for customers and spoke to me in malay...damn! Doesnt matter hahaha i just need to close my eyes, smell the salt water n feel the breeze and Im good!
U all take care too, hope ur good too!

LOVE

waaahhhhh

dead tired! hahaha slept while reading Virginia Woolf's To The Lighthouse...I was sitting at the dinner table...having dinner...:P
Mona lisa is still in my mind...but..the one whom I think of most..is Vincent Van Gogh..and the jigsaw puzzle by my table...
Just makes you wonder why the geniuses always die young...Vincent, Sylvia, Virginia, Beethoven, Schubert...etc...
just looked at my organiser and realized how ridiculously packed my days are becoming. :( But...sometimes..stress is that gets my adrenaline going man! hahaha
Nothing much to say today...hahaha same old same old man!
We'll meet up one day :)

LOVE

Mona Lisa smile...while Maria sings

Da Vinci...Tchaikovsky...Michaelangelo...they all have..all have one thing is common...well a few things...
They're all known in their field, they're all greatly admired and appreciated, they're all dead and they're all rocket science to me.
Since joining SSO, I felt a new drive to l;earn or understand classical music..hopefully without having to go through music theory and exams hahah Why? Coz, its just one whole genre of music which I cant understand. The pieces i like, i like only because they are familiar to me...i grew up tapping my fingers at the dining table and imitating my sis as she played the piano. Honest truth...I loved it and I still love it when my sis plays. She used to play very often (she had to practise) but not now...if she played the piano now, id probably tear...coz it brings backt he warmth int he house...hmmm..k what i mean is...it fills the air int he house w music..w familiar feelings of admiration. But i never understood the genre...maybe some i felt more coz the tone was more obvious? sad, angry, majestic..etc...
As for art.....I just finish reading Mona Lisa smiles (Julia Roberts) Art is int he eyes of the beholder. Art to me..is like how classical music is to me....dependent on the circumstances... I have a jigsaw puzzle of a famous painting I dont even have the name of...its by my table and I love it! hmm let me check...ahh..its called..Cafe - Vincent Van Gogh. :) http://www.geocities.com/centaura.geo/pixfamousart.html
I love it for 2 reasons....my college frens gave me this for my birthday and..it had the night sky and a cafe...pretty much where I wished I cud be more often at night hahaha
But really...what was Vincent thinking when he drew this? Did he feel like me? I dont know.... honestly..I wudnt have bothered if not for Mona Lisa Smile.
What is art? how is it defined? Im so captivated by artists or photographers..anyone to do w art....wondering what it is that makes their brains tick. How do they think? How dot hey analyze a piece of art? What about a piece w a splash of red and green? Or what the elephants do...seems they've taken on another profession.
If I cud so have the chance..Id love to have a fren to accompany me as i strollt he aisles of the art museum and find out just what treasures there are in art..that makes it so fascinating. id really like to be able to stand in front of a painting and for once, really see a meaning in it..the underlying meaning...
Was Vincents madness potrayed in his work? what made him so crazy? His pictures of potted plants, of his room, of himself....the Cafe....was he in his crazy moments? Like literature legends, Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf...
hmm...I feel that if I did understand both of these, it wud be like a curtain being lifeted off my eyes...like...everything takes a clearer and more intruiging point of view...I wudnt look at...an elephant's painting the same again hahaha.
I finally know why the show is called Mona Lisa Smile...look at what is hidden gelow the surface. Like Mona Lisa..is she really happy?

love

the attack of the phantom writer...

back! Reason why i stopped just now was because the PC was statring to write on its own. its my auntie's pc actually...tad bit freaky but its all over now. NO the PC is not possessed! it took quite a while to figure out whatw as wrong hehehe
We tot it was a virus at 1st..coz it was writing illogical phrases..eg: I know.I knew...he is a man..lawyer in 97 need to see..... etc So we flushed out all the viruses detected and killed em.
Then, we still had the phantom writing! so we searched the web to find out what others experienced...ie: forum
Read abit and realized that it could be the microphone.
Apparently, my auntie's mic was on and so it recorded whatever we said. Because the mic is so poor, it cant decipher our words clearly....sot he words that come out, dont make sense even though they are porper words.
TADAH!
We tried it out and its right. It was the mic! The case is solved and theres no Hantu (however u spell it) int he PC. :P
k the day is close to over. I can feel my bed calling to me.
You all take care..really. Look forward to meeting up. :P

Gross but true

Im proud to say that for the past week that ive been sick (the longest length ive been sick in my history) Ive cleared off alot of mucus and phlegm :P *peace*
Whatever I blew out was yellow n thick and so..allthat gooey stuff is out of my system :P

Today was and still is a long day...slept only 2 hours because I was busy writing my fren a song. She left for perth a this morning. At 6 something int he morning, I woke up, got ready and took a cab down tot he airport just to send her off.

I guess my bond w her isnt as strong as Id love it to be but I still value her as a fren and sister. Now that she's gone (fo the next 4 years) I'll be missing her loads...miss the days of rashes and manahmanahs. I dont know abt some of you...but these days, i tend to use my sms very efficiently. been sending long sms to my old frens.....movie after all we dont meet each other very often. So dont be surprised if I suddenly drop a small HUG n Love yah at you.

You al take care. The PC 's abit crazy today. will explain soon.

.... :(

On eof my close frens is going off tomorrow morn....gonna miss her.
She's always been a crazy sort hehehe sorta put me off guard when I 1st got to know her coz..I never really thought of her like that.
I know ive always been the introvert n kept things to myself...but I guess...her craziness and willingness to be honest n drect n ...just her....opening up her world to me...made me do the same. She wasnt judegemental when it shudnt be....or at least she didnt say it out if she was....
Im just thankful for having her as a fren...as she embarks on another chap of her life..I hope the best for her...hope she stays healthy n rashes free. :P
Love yah sista. Soo sorry i didnt get a chance to meet you earlier...but I promise to be there when you leave.

love

nothing much today...

Work was work...tuition was tuition...my kid made me play w him the hundredth installment of space impact...if you're wondering what kind of game it is, its a made up game where he flies around w his toy rocket ship and I fly around w a pencil box and makeshift cannonball launchers made up of pencils. he has a shield and other fancy shmancy actions and powers while I...I stick to my cannonball thingies..sigh. the hundredth time. Now, We're onto the Spcae Impact Delux!..Good grief!
I jus spoke to a fren whom ive known for..7 years? He's a nice guy n stuff but...he's not the same anymore. He.....was never...so..nonchalant...never a person who didnt just go....watever....never just give up easily....but now..I gues...he's just lost his juice. he's losst alot of energy n will....I really feel sad for him man....
I never wanna see my frens like that..but alot of times..I just cant do anything! SIGH
God take care of my frens.....those that mean the world to me....no matter where they are around the world...

love

still sick

k yes I know...I deserve this..for practicing my holistic life...maybe its coz Im always int he aircon now..maybe it needs time to adapt. hehe
Met my ex classmates, my sistas for lunch :D We had a long chat while eating and she asked me how I was...as in..how I really was hahaha
I know what she means. She actually wanted to ask if I was doing well emotionally.
Thankfully, I am doing okay :) U know..I always look at it this way..I dont think I'll ever get back to being like how i was before..of course every one changes...but what I mean is...I would never feel the same when it comes to seeing my ex as a fren. there will always be this feeling there. Good or bad feeling..I dont know. I just feel that Im alot better than how I was...when we 1st broke up.
She also asked if I was comfortable w him around..well..not exactly what she said..but ......she is my fren and she is my ex's fren..so being that...like every other relationship thats broken. Its oftent he frens that are worried when it comes to organizing gatherings.
I just want to say that....much as I wudnt love to see my ex in front of me now...I wudnt mind as well if I have to be int he same room as him..esp if we're among the same frens. At that point...I will treat him like a fren...but I will not intentionally communicate w him or meet up w him unless necessary. eg: short sms wish of happy birthday
other than that, I still really treat him as a fren or brother.
So please guys! Dont be worried abt him and I. Theres nothing to be worried abt! Thats the whole reason why i didnt take this move earlier. Coz i didnt wanna make my frens feel akward. wats happened btwn my ex and I stays between us...it shudnt affect you guys. Likewise what shud be the case when we 1st got together.
This brings me to something I always wanted to say...esp since how my life has changed..I just feel like i need to say it.
New lovers always say that a relationship shud only b abt them and not anyoneelse. Sadly thats not the case in real life...yet..why shudnt it be? Afterall..eventually...when all older relatives have died (no ill thoughts intended) and all you have left us ur children and ur wife...maybe not even ur kids (if they're already working n married) Eventually..after all that...wudnt u want someone u love? NObodyelse is gonna be alive to be able to judge u by then. You're the only one alive who will suffer or enjoy the choice u made...
NO doubt pple will think that other choices will be better...but who's the one lives w it att he very end? not them....you.
Anyway...I dont know..I walking the way God brings me. if he brings me a guy..so be it. If he doesnt..maybe I'll just live life w memories and adopted kids and adopted dogs :P

LOVE

sick

Still sick today. had fever last night and wrapped myself in a blanket without the fan. woke up a few times last night because I was too hot or Iw as just uncomfortable hahaha
Anyway..things are better today :P Went to see the Aikido class yesterday and it seems quite cool haha might join it in nov w her hehehe damn! I'll get flipped around by her if I do something wrong hahaha I guess this is the 1st job where I feel as if Id like to stay longer...shrugs...but maybe its coz I dont know the culture enuff...after all, I am just a temp stuff
Anyway..life has been better lah. For those of you who are worried abt my episode on sunday..Im quite fine! :P
Nothing much to talk abt today :P sorry...

....im sick

Since yseterday...my throat has been very dry and painful. Think ive got throat infection somewhere...can feel a little fever coming up....Wanna go home. :(
nah...have to stay n work. must get work done!
So far, work has been great. :) I like the people here..but that doesnt mean that I can talk w them very freely... There are many of htem that i feel I can joke with...so I do.
Bit sleepy now coz of me being abit sick..had to come in and type abit before going back to work.
was talking to my boss and she wants to learn Aikido...thinking of learning too :P Give a chance to learn something to defend myself from stupid uncles at the nearby kopitiam! Maybe this way, My dad will be less worried abt me going out late at night as well! it could also train my discipline or will power! hmmm Going w my boss to spy on the cc tonight hehehe

get ready for a long entry....

This would be....3 days worth of entry...allt hats happened has sorta left me a little tired..thats why I didnt write anything for so long..today..I ave to...coz I need to get it out of my system...
Lets talk abt the less stressing one...miao miao...
Think she's sick. She's got this thick light green goo coming out of her ass...or wateva it is...she doesnt run to me as fast as she used to and she's salivating more. Its either she's sick, she's "come of age"..or she's pregnant..which..i dont feel anythign when I feel her underbelly. Or maybe its still too small? not too sure..not sure at all! I just hope for her healthy. :(
2nd thing..which leads to third...
I received a surprise call from my church...she doesnt normally call me..but that day..she sounded different....she was crying...She told me how she missed her ex...how she couldn get over him...etc..how she was supposed to marry him (they've been together for many years)...she sobbed sobbed..like no tomorrow...I was sad for her..really.....I didnt know what to say to her...I didnt want to say anything wrong as well..so I cudnt help but keep quiet. She asked me what to do! She said, " you know how I feel don't you Ning?" You've known what it feels to love someone sooo much right Ning?" In fact..it wasnt a question..more like a statement.....She's right...I do know what it feels to love someone till ur inerds wanna fall out. Like she said....memories have the tendency to sneak up on you...I know she didnt want to think back abt all this.....but inevitably..when uir sad or depressed...you just feel like calling that person. Its happens often when ur drunk as well....
I cant help but say that I feel for her. As she cried..I wanted to cry myself.....not full fledge"cry ur heart out" crying...just tearing....She kept apologizing..saying she was stupid to feel like that..that she was bothering me..etc FOR WHAT?!?!?! ..Really I understand! I understand where she's coming from...things dont go away just coz you want them to. Even then...Much as ur head says to move on...ur heart doesnt...thats the sad and the hardest part....getting ur heart to finally give up... it not something anyone around us can help get rid off . Maybe they can accompany us more..or change topics..or intro new guys etc..but eventually..at the end of the day....if u still end up thyinking abt him...everything goes back to square one. Its not something u can get rid of totally too. All you can do is...leave it in a corner of ur heart. One of those underground storeroom with a double triple lock..sometimes event hat isnt enuff...sister...Crying helps you to get over those few mins...but most imptly is to get ur heart to give up. Try to think of him as dead..or that he doesnt deserve you at all! Start to love urself more....stop drinking & smoking..love ur body...love urself...focus on the things you love to do...ur dreams...start writing more..more poems..more stories...if you do something that gets u excited or happy, u will think less of him...it all takes time.....

yet much as I can say all this..I know it isnt that easy...That isnt a foolproof plan..no textbook or ten year series answer...no..nothing is..you have to develop ur own way to get over things....just dont do things that kill urself..mentally, emotinally, psychologically or physically....

3rd thing..
This is where my half came in...no i didnt frink..I didnt sob....I didnt end in despair....I dreamt....It isnt the 1st time Ive dreamt abt my ex....but this time..it was different.....I dreamt that i bumped into him again n he was in a bad state...constantly drunk...blur...something happened to him...in my dream..I was shocked..shocked of what had happened to him and lo and behold, I found out he ended this way coz of me...In my dream..I dreamt of my doubt of whether to be w him again....cant remember what happened int he end...All I know..is that...when I woke up..I had a long forgotten feeling in me....yes I missed him...The feeling I got when I dreamt that I was holding him again...

But this all doesnt matter...Coz dreams dont make sense...or rather...not that I dont still love him...but that Ive sorta come to a conclusiont hat no matter how much i feel...nothings gonna bring thigns back. Its useless....To end is to give up on hope. Dreams are a way of sorting our inner thoughts..things we dont say..things we subconsciously see or feel or hear...in this case..its the same. Its not a sign from God ....God has permitted it yes..but its not a message from him.

All I dreamt..could probably have come from my fren..being slightly drunk..having sobbed n sobbed in all despair that i wanted soo much to hug her. Yet att he same time..after putting downt he phone w her....The 1st one I wanted to call...was my ex. I had his number in my head...in circles

I never really told anyone this...The 1st few months were terrible..almost devastating...catastrophic..etc..losing the best fren in the world..going through months of cold shoulder which forces you to wonder if thats the last you'll ever hear from the best fren you ever have. its like..losing a part of you...like..realizing that ur family was somewhere that you couldnt find..that they didnt want you anymore...that kind of feeling....I cried like ho wmy fren cried...almost everything reminded me of him.....there were dozens of ways that i tried to tell myself not to be so weak..not to brood over it..but his promises (or past promises) were what kept me back. Because I still believed that somewhere...he'd still kepp thsoe promises....unfortunately..even if u had a signed contract..marriage..verbal vows....seperation can still occur. Ultimately..I guess it was the promises that kept me back..that kept me thinking that one day...JUST one day....Im glad I got to talk to my ex months ago and clear everything... :) Much as we are not much frens now...Someday..we will be frens again...I hope. Another thing that got me on to recovery...was a vow to myself....that i would never let myself cry so much anymore....I see my grandma in her ripe old age..with no tears...she used them all up in her traumatic life...every few mins, her maid has to come in and apply artificial eyedrops for her to keep her eyes dry. I dont want that. If this guy..or any other guy..comes and hurts me...fine! I'll cry..but not for long..Coz I will never let myself cry for someone who would give me up. I would cry for the one who loves me and loved me to his dying day..sounds silly..but...who cares.

Now...as i write all this, I admit...I am a little choking at the throat...a long day...very very long day..makes me wish i had someone to lean on on my way home....

Question is....why is it our parents still feel like background, race and money...has to be something so important? When does love ever come intot he picture? Who marries for love nowadays except those who have the priveilage of finding someone that their parents and relatives like. Ive asked myself this question thousands of times....ive cried over the unfair treatment...yet i cant find the answer. All I know is...I have a thing against parents who are so superficial...They being parents...should be ashamed of themselves! This is the reason to increasing divorce rates...noone is in love with anyone. Which leads me to think that...since all this is happengin, why dont we just revert back to our arranged marriage ways again? Our parents seem to be using that..even if once upon their teenage years, they disapproved of it too.

Im tired...tired from the memories..tired from wondering why even my frens have to go through the same shit I had to go through...I'm tired.

u all tc

Long day!!! I think meow meow is sick... :(

Went to my old sch for the carnival..Had loads of fun and got to see my old geog teacher n others hahah have a funny feeling that i was the oldest old sch there hahaha Anyway hahaha
Went for a meeting after that...it wasnt compulsory for me to go but I wanted to oz I wanted to show that I wanted to learn and I did. I think right now....my prob is being able to connect w my colleagues. No doubt I do try..but the more I try..the more I feel like Im forcing it. The moer I feel that, the more I feel that they think Im fake. And coz of this..the more I feel ike i should talk less...esp abt myself and what i feel or think... I know I shouldnt be this way.....but...i cant help it!
How do you live life...when you feel as if everything abt u is fake n boastful?
or should you just heckt he world n live life thinking that only ur thoughts matter? but even then...you have to believe that to start with and its hard to believe that when ur already sceptical...

anyway..you all take care. :)

LOVE

...wwwoooooowwww

Quite honestly...even wow isnt a good enough reaction....I...Im stumped! Maybe its bcoz of my untrained eye..or ear.........
What do you do when there you are with the epitamy of perfection in front of you....Do you let it slip away...or grab it? Even if it means ur life or ur job is at risk?.....k well u know..im not making sense at all rite? hahha

I just finished watching "The Red Violin"...by the end of the show..I just felt like I cudnt move....I dont know why! Not that I was in pain! I just felt like..I was powerless....overwhelmed by the movie!....

This movie spans the centuries and distance..it goes from Ceroma to Viena..to other far far places..even China..evetually, Montreal. All of them have one thing in common...a single violin...The Red Violin.....many people in all these countries..intrigued by its sound and worksmanship....many of them with their own stories that the violin has witnessed.....The violin...like a witness to history and in every century, its soudn gets richer...n with more feeling....because of the things it has seen.

eventually..att he very end..or rather..the very present time...the violin is being auctioned off and people from all parts of the world (decendents of those thatt he violin has touched before), come together...eager to reposses this precious, perfect instrument...

All throught he show, I wondered and Im how the movie was meant to make me feel....I wondered what it was that made the violin so special. Aside from it being red. Not the red you see on sports cars...but the classic..antique red...giving colour and emphasis to the lines of the wood.....If I could say all this anymore poetically..I would..but I cant.

The beauty of all this..and the surprise......lay int eh absolute beginning.....when the violin was built.....love, adoration, fixation......To tel you the secret would be to ruin the show...To tell you..would be to lose one less person to watch if for themselves!......

If you thought The Hours was good.....this is better! in my opinion. The way all the centuries are slowly unfolded...simultaneously...and yet..not confusing you...and with every piece of history unfolding...it adds a piece of the puzzle to the present....literally....I....I really cant describe it to you! I......I'm just stumped! You know if you tell me that you wanna watch it.....Id lend it to you! id buy you a copy even!!! Ive never seen a film soo perfectly pieced together! Or maybe coz I dont often watch movies....but still!!!!

Im BEGGING YOU to watch it!!! Please!!!! My 2 fav movies are Gattaca and this. Both of them are ranked 1st in my heart because of the meaning they have in them!!!

And now..I'm drained...drained from trying soo hard to explain what i see and feel..in attempt to make you go and watch it urselves......Yet knowing that if you dont want to, I cant force you.... it is a movie....that has made me love the violin even more......

love