recovering from last production.

Note for myself that to monitor the welfare of intl students, a focus group session has to be done for them in the beginning month and then in the mid year and end of year.

Because one's condition changes throughout the year.

1st round is meant to find out how they're initial settling in process is. Whether they have problems communicating, finding common groups, getting transport etc

2nd Round is meant to see how they have been after a session of project work and assignments etc

3rd round is meant to see if they have any reflections and observations at the end of the year and how certain things could be improved for the next year.

Saddest Birthday yet...

Its my birthday today. :) Its heartwarming to see that my students actually rememebr my birthday and msged me on facebook. :)

Anywaay this year's birthday is the saddest. spending the day at home I presume.

Really cant wait for the day that Im heading home. Im actually excited!

I miss everyone in Singapore. Miss them and miss hanging out with them and just chatting with them etc.

Miss finding things funny.

Last night, alot of peolpe were out dressed as ghouls and monsters and zombies. Halloween. As i sat the bus last night, I wondereed why I wasnt one to like partying and dressing up etc. And then I realized that people who liked dressing up, obviously found it fun since their childhood. And for me, I dnt think I ever got a chance to go for birthday parties. Maybe thats why.

What a revelation to have at 28 yrs old...Geez!

I know its sunday..but I dnt feel any energy to do anything today. :/
And I havnt been partying!

Oh well.

God Bless!

Hard...

Its closing night. Im glad its so but I cant wait for it to end.
Think my experience has been a long and self tormenting one. Feel the need to relax but its actually really hard to relax now. I feel quite on the edge. Might be a good thing in the short run...but not really in the long run. One shouldnt have to work with stress and fear.
My goal is to prevent myself from getting there.

Im happily counting down to next  next month, 8 dec.

Cant wait to go back home. Albeit, I'm gonna be working...but at least i feel like Im speaking the same lingo... technically I am...

In much pain. not physical now.

Im gonna keep talking myself to relaxation

God Bless

:) got me smiling

I dont normally post titles to productions but I had to for this one. Last Days of Judas Iscariot.

Its a school production. I went in thinking that this production would probably cause me to stir in questions in God's defence. I heard that it was gonna be vulgar with numerous "fuck"s and etc but it wasnt how I expected.

On the contrary, I left the venue feeling more love for God.

In the midst of my depression, this performance reminded me of how much God loves me. In fact, it was just a simple thing Satan said. (the acting Satan) and how he was proclaiming that God loved every thing. And it was interesting how Satan would be the one who said that. Well the stage Satan at least. But that didnt stop me from having a revelation.

That no matter how Satan is against God, he knows very well that God loves everyone. And that included me.

Despite how this story isnt really biblical...it still spoke so much to me. It asnt how I would see as defaming God because it contained defence for Judas...but it was actually in a basic level, defending God.

The best bit...was when Jesus (acting Jesus) came out and spoke to Judas, saying that He loved him. No matter how Judas refused...eventually, Jesus came out again to wash Judas's feet.

I wont say that I agree all of Judas's arguements but I do believe that he eventually got saved.

I just think this show was put at the right time when I started labelling myself a terrible asm. I know its not actually so, but I put sooo much blame on myself that it felt so true.

To watch this production now reminded me of His love that I forgot. Because I havnt been in tuned to it for so long.

Im so glad that my God is a merciful God and a God who doesnt look at merits. Because if he did, none of us would be able to get to heaven.

Ive got 3 more runs and I intend to work all of htem with God's grace and power. Im not gonna worry.

This renewed love I feel for God is the only thing that is motivating me to learn more about Him again. To read more about Him and listen to more of His word. As opposed to sinking back into normal life.

I cant describe it to non-christians well. I can only say that this love I feel is a love I dont deserve but rushs through my body, starting fromt eh inside out, making me tear or smile. It tunes my mind to think more of Him. There is a warmth inside that made me wanna think about Him and absorb the revelation He gave me through this production.

Why I say this production was for me, is beause it came at the right time. Im sure He is using it to stir other people's hearts as well and thinking about that makes me feel happy. Just happy. Dont know why but I do. Mybae thats what God's love does. It makes us feel things we like but can't explain. And as we learn about Him, we slowly understand why we feel this way and rejoice in it being given for free.

After this production, I feel that its true that Judas felt so much remorse for his doing that he felt that he couldnt even seek Jesus forgiveness or God's forgiveness. Or maybe he felt that he had ended all good in the world by betraying Jesus and that dying would be better than what would happen to the world. But knowing God, before Judas took his last breathe, God would have spoken to him and explained it to him and asked him to come back to Him. Judas believed in God and loved Him and once we are a part of God, we are a  part of God.

Im happy now :)

God Bless!

Imma stay strong

Munching on a piece of tim tam. Dark chocolate. classic dark. Never fails to make me happier.

Just finished watching another NIDA production and it brought confusion in me hahaha. I dont know if I like it or not...

My mood now is apprehensive. I know I'll survive this entire production period and I know I will get better. I just wished that I could stop making mistakes altogether.

I think Ive slowly gone back into a hermit hole. I remember how I used to be this sour face who didnt take jokes and my cousins would tease me and call me names. And how alot of people think I look serious when Im not smiling. I dont wanna be that way again...

I think the way I got out is through having confidence...but my confidence has been waining abit these days.

And I cant help but think about past times that I had sunk that low.

As I was walking home from school last night, I sorta wanted to tear and in me a small person actually blamed my upbringing that made me feel so conscious and small.

Thinking back about it, its not fair to think this way anymore. no parents are perfect and nobody can be blamed anymore than my own mentality.

Im gonna have to keep telling myself that Im stronger than I feel. I will do this! I will!

I guess we in this industry are destined to go through all this and in the process of reaching there, we build nerves of steel and become bolder and more in control.

In all this, I know Im gonna look to God for all my strength. I know Im stronger than allt ehr est because I have Him. He will be my peace in the storm. The peace and strength that keeps me int eh stronghold when I start to feel like my confidence is under attack again.

And this forcefield of strength will get stronger.

GOd Bless

Opening Night

Went well but not well enough. Always something I need to do better...Im not perfect.
My confidence level has been played to all sorts of levels. Part of the SM game.

I know it isnt always others making me feel bad or lousy. most of the cases its because of me. I need to speak up more. I need to be proactive.

I think my body and my esteem is tired.

To be absolutely honest, i feel like I could tear a little. I know Im stronger than that normally but this time I felt abit hurt. not anyone's fault. Just the hay that broke the camel's back.

I know that to redeem myself, I have to do it better and better. it cant be rocket science...

I just wanna go home and rest now. tomorrow will be better. Always need to remind myself that Im better than all that.

God Bless

Hanging on..

Rehearsals have been good. yes Ive made silly mistakes butIm trying not to elt it get me down. Thank God for Sarah! and Brad! And all the other crew I have!

Had a short chat w my cousin and that makes me look forward to going home alot more! I wanna see my family and relatives and friends and students again!

I miss them so much!

flights are booked and teh dates are set!

I know when I get back, Im gonna ransack my granparent's closet for photos and put together a family album! :D

And Im gonna take the chance to meet up with my students/alumni :D and do abit of dance and sports.. I hope :P

God Bless!

bad dream, sour face and compliments

So I had 2 bad dreams this week. No..call one a nightmare and another one a bad dream because it wasnt bad as in frightening nightmarish, but it was a good dream that would be bad for me.So my nightmare was of my mum, auntie and I running away from a huge crack in the ground that was growing. We were running away from the crack.The bad dream was me dreaming of my ex again. Which was a nice dream but it wasnt a healthy one. I dont wanna be dreaming of him anymore. Not that I have been for hte past years. In fact its suddenly come back. I suspect that its because some of my friends have recently had similar experiences and me trying to comfort them and show them that there are people who go through as much shit...made me think about these things again. Note that I don't have that strong a feeling as when my stories first happened. But the dream still came back. Sigh. Dont worry. I dont sink into the emotional abyss anymore. I just sigh and wish i had someone else in my life. Lol!In due time yah. in due time.
Anyway Ive been super busy with rehearsals. My production is getting busier and busier and Im getting more stressed and etc. I guess hte challenge is really to work with people whom I may not feel very comfortable with. To continue to bite my lip and work with them even though Id much rather not. Note that this isnt me complaining and kicking a fuss. I am still handling everything that I can. Its reality to work with people we don't like and I am not running away from it. In fact, every emotional or mental challenge I get makes me a stronger more emotionally stable person. It shows me who I can be if I force myself. It shows me who I should be and who I shouldnt.
In fact Im trying to not be affected by sour faces and to take compliments hahaha to claim my compliments. I know that Im someone who cant take compliments which is bad! I need them to make myself to better and work well.
God Bless

Okay sooo I should be doing Prompt copy now but ....

Since my last entry, my time has gone to Prompt Copy and my production. Time is too short here.
Anyway...needed to take time out to disgest my dinner and get some peace of mind...rest from stress.My lifestyle hasnt been healthy these few weeks. Been snacking abit more. the type of food I eat etc...
I have been taking up dance class every saturday but still that isnt enough to stop my body from its aches and pains. Damn it!
So yap. Im not doing fantastic. :/ But Ive been trying my best.
Its production period. This also means that my time to rest is little.
So little time for rest and so little time for Jesus. Of course, I can hear a voice going, "make time!"..yap.
so true. I realize that without God, I feel like Im fighting to be better every day. Which tires me out easily. It may seem like the normal thing to do for most people. But I just don't see how that could be life.
I miss my church and I miss my home. I miss being around people I know who do care for me and whom I do care and enjoy being around.
As you can see...my thought process is abit messed up now. Dnt worry. Im not being hysterical or depressed or anything. Im just throwing in random things to unload myself :)
God Bless