Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Poor bro of mine....but God Bless him

I have a bro who has rendered me speechless, I got to know this guy from Spore Idol and he's a nice guy who's a gentleman..but also very shy..etc

For months, we've talked and become good friends and he tells me about his problems...

JUst last week, we were talking and he was telling me about the girl he loved and knew he'd marry but how he's got no choice but to give her up to his cousin...For months, he's fought with himself to tell or not to tell her but by the time he wanted to..his cousin proposed. I do believe that this girl loves him (my fren) too. Pity...Pity he decided to give her up, so that his cousin would be happy..yet now. he cant even face the 2 of them....

I cant say a thing coz part of me wants to yell at him for hesitating for so long. Another part of me...is amazed at how lovestruck he is and yet how he could give it all up. He also gave her up because he didnt want to hurt her by creating all the trouble... He did it for her...
Sound familiar? Hmmm dunno...I feel abit of dejavu...
Im not charmed or smitten by him..if you think that he's pulling a fast one on me. We lack chemistry. What he's only done is reminded me that love can be true...regardless of how reality seems like.

I still pray that God gives all whom I love, the ones they are meant to be with. I cant help but smile to their description of how they feel.

Jesus, take care of this brother...you know how he will go in his life. stir him away from harm and help him not to get hurt and get over all trials.

God Bless

Wohooo! (cool shit sign!)

I had a wonderful birthday yesterday night, aside from my friends attempting to throw me int he pool. That was (if some of you dont know) an INSTANT way to get me pissed. My face literally changed when they did that..and my mood too.

But aside from that, I had the time of my life :P Thank you God for blessing me with so many people who care about me. Not that those who didnt come, dont care...they do! But I get to see abit of how much they love me. Even those that wanted to throw me into the pool....If they didnt know how to swim, they wud jump into the pool to get me out if I did get thrown in and had trouble getting out... or do I have too much faith in them... hahahaha

Anyway to put crudely on how I was sabohed yesterday, I was forced to have a facial of chocolate cake, and got humped. Dont spray ur drink all over the screen n no use wiping the screen or ur eyes...yes...I had a friend physically over my back...disgusting! hahahaha

I have also found out the 3 reasons why I dont like to organise my own birthday parties....
1) I hate to chase friends etc for RSVP (makes me feel like Im forcing someone to go)
2) I dont want to create a condusive env for ALL my friends to gossip about my whole life. I have done my fair share of stupid things in my 23 years...eg: breaking my chin....
3) I dont wanna get dunked!

I guess by the end of that day, alot of my frens now know that I hate being dunked.. They know which buttons they can press and which cant. It is relative....If I had a bf dunk me, how can I be angry? Hehehehehhe Provided he gets me up again!

I thank God for letting me live such ablessed life. Despite the work in my life and the stress and the pain and dissappointment I had....I am still happy at many times. God has never let me forget that He is there for me and that I have His strength and His hand to hold onto. :) God is great!

Will write more later. :P

God Bless!

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Sucky event

Sooo my rare chances to compere and I screwed it up. Why? Lets just say that I regret not learning my chinese well....

Lesson learnt: Dont give up on your mother tongue especially when its chinese. In fact...dont give up on your mother tongue PERIOD!

I had to hobble through chinese when the audience or the boss of the coordinator started complaining. I thought that in such a community-ish event, you'd want english because it would be fair for all races...but I guess deep inside, there is abit of denial involved...and stubborness and fear. I was down after the event because of my lack of chinese, because of having to suffer complaints and because it could be the end of my compereing chances....not that Im even getting paid. But still...

Due to all this dissappointment in myself and apologies to the event coordinator and my fren (sound guys) the first thing I did when I left the house....was get myself a chinese mag. NUYOU. Why did I choose that? Well I figured the easiest thing to read would be chinese fashion mag and they were giving away a free bag. Hahahah cheap thril right? But seriously..Im quite determined to get myself more equipped in terms of languages. In fact...due to my work, Ive had t speak more chinese in school than normal life. Thanks to God for my new club, and my job scope that forces me to be the chinese I ought to be. Boy should my dad be laughing now!
BTW, any body know which part of the body is called giu wo? cheeks? Hahahha

Anyway, I got bluffed into going to school...also due to my silliness....Im in school and blogging ont he staircase while my compere juniors and newbies are upstairs getting acquainted hahahaha I cant wait to join them. Maybe its good that I came to sch anyway hahahah

K gonna stop here. Ive blogged my heart out.

Gotta thank my colleague for forcing me to go for Bible Study on thurs....It cleared my stress..made me calmer and happier :P But even without him, I did feel the strongest urge to go to BS on that day..God just provided the transport and thanks to God, I got a seat too! Very Rare in this context! Hahahaha

K THE END

Love you all in buckets and Pails (Patented ah!)

God Bless!

Sucky event

Sooo my rare chances to compere and I screwed it up. Why? Lets just say that I regret not learning my chinese well....

Lesson learnt: Dont give up on your mother tongue especially when its chinese. In fact...dont give up on your mother tongue PERIOD!

I had to hobble through chinese when the audience or the boss of the coordinator started complaining. I thought that in such a community-ish event, you'd want english because it would be fair for all races...but I guess deep inside, there is abit of denial involved...and stubborness and fear. I was down after the event because of my lack of chinese, because of having to suffer complaints and because it could be the end of my compereing chances....not that Im even getting paid. But still...

Due to all this dissappointment in myself and apologies to the event coordinator and my fren (sound guys) the first thing I did when I left the house....was get myself a chinese mag. NUYOU. Why did I choose that? Well I figured the easiest thing to read would be chinese fashion mag and they were giving away a free bag. Hahahah cheap thril right? But seriously..Im quite determined to get myself more equipped in terms of languages. In fact...due to my work, Ive had t speak more chinese in school than normal life. Thanks to God for my new club, and my job scope that forces me to be the chinese I ought to be. Boy should my dad be laughing now!
BTW, any body know which part of the body is called giu wo? cheeks? Hahahha

Anyway, I got bluffed into going to school...also due to my silliness....Im in school and blogging ont he staircase while my compere juniors and newbies are upstairs getting acquainted hahahaha I cant wait to join them. Maybe its good that I came to sch anyway hahahah

K gonna stop here. Ive blogged my heart out.

Gotta thank my colleague for forcing me to go for Bible Study on thurs....It cleared my stress..made me calmer and happier :P But even without him, I did feel the strongest urge to go to BS on that day..God just provided the transport and thanks to God, I got a seat too! Very Rare in this context! Hahahaha

K THE END

Love you all in buckets and Pails (Patented ah!)

God Bless!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Frens

I think Ive hit a wall again....its only been once that I've felt that my frenship wth someone is dissipating...but now..its happening again. This time...it hurts the most....

I dont know what to do and somehow Ive come to some crazy conclusion that silence is best....Leaving is best. I dont normally talk to this person coz it brings back memories...and hence, we've kind of distanced ourselves from each other....but how do i put it? its like a thorn stuck in the flesh...pulling is pain and pushing is pain...

When I dont see a reply to my email....I naturally get into a fear or sadness...that he's avoiding...forgetting to reply...just dont cut it when he's obviously checking his mail. So maybe it wud be better to stop fighting for this fren....even if this fren is too dear to me?

I fear this feeling....I especially hate the fear of someone close to me...not wanting to be near me...guess its low esteem....its also an experience inflicted phobia.

Anyway experieince also tells me that Im emotional only for awhile....and experieince tells me that best frens dont die off that easily...

Father....I trust in you...I trust that everything that happens..all troubles...work to my way at the end of the day. Father, frens come and go easily but let me always remember that those that matter most..are the ones that stay...and that no fren is fren without you bringing us together.

God Bless

Why?

Have you gotten into a fenship that you can feel is slowly dissipating? You feel it and your trying to hold on...yet...you dont wanna suffocate the person while doing so.....

Why do we have to find good excuses and reasons to say hi? Why do I feel guilty even saying Hi?
Why dont I just give up? Coz Im getting paranoid....

God Bless

New lives....old lives

2 simple natural things happened through the weekend....it happens all the time but the fact that they are both relaed to me...makes you see the whole picture.

Sat, my colleagues 3rd child was born
Sun, my bro's grandma died

Life goes on doesnt it?

As my bro talked abt how he felt.... one similar concept came about...... reality just "doesnt seem to register". At this stage, facts are so easily forgotten because our hearts are feeling so much otherwise...Where have I felt that before? When someone I loved to death...left.... at that ponit all I could say is.... "it doesnt register"

But that got me thinking...how much something would have to mean to someone, to let that whole "unregisterable" phenomenon happen....

Dont let me go into all that again...Ive climbed out of the whirlpool and giong back would be stupid. But as my bro was crying his eyes red....it made me remember my auntie who died last year. I was sad....but I cried the hardest when I saw my grandparents come into the room....they are older but their hearts are the most fragile. My heart broke for my grandpa...

So...is not knowing your relatives well enough...a good thing? or bad thing?

God had plans for all of us yesterday...it rained like crazy, the cab stopped my fren and I at the wrong part of the hospital, making us walk the maze to the right wing......if He hadnt done that....we would have been there before she died...but my bro would not have gotten the chance to say goodbye properly...

Father, you work your ways but I love you...I know nothing bad comes from you but Satan...In fact, for Murphy's law....I do believe that Murphy is AKA Satan. Father, work in my bro's heart and keep him and his family strong....

God Bless

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Yoh! Honey! Im home!

Woh! Its been such a long while since I came to blog! Sooo much I wanna say....

Im at Mac Donalds now, had a long chat with one of my sisters and its been sooo long since we talked....I was happy hahahaha

Havnt exactly spoken about the musical and maybe I shud exercise some censorship on it hahaha coz I know my colleague is reading em..even my boss.

So many things Ive learnt in the musical....I see how different I am to the rest of the cast...I am more grown up and more serious...maybe this musical meant more to me...does it? It does mean alot to me....but more? Or is it coz Im another Mary, trying to please and hence, rushing around the kitchen to prepare food for Jesus, while my younger siblings or Martha, sits by Jesus feet and listens to Him. Am I being too serious? Couldnt I have just let go? Was I too worried about work and all other stuff? Was I being to harsh on Martha because she was taking the easy way out? Is this even the same.... In Mary and Martha's case, Jesus is more important, hence cooking isnt the better thing to do at that time..but...in this case? Which one was more impt? To me......both. Hence I was serious on both work and musical....

After all that...all the small notes that everyone gave me...touched my heart...after all this, I love them and they are my little bros and sisters and I do feel guilty for being stern but I hope they understand. :P

Did an MRI scan last week...the indicator for my usual throat cancer check-ups has gone up abit and so an MRi Scan was warranted. The results was out yesterday and the result...im clear. No unusual swelling except for lymphnodes...Im fine. I saw my brain and my throat and my skull and my eyeballs.....yep..those are mine....hahahahaha says the doctor who is as lame as me hahahaha My dad went too.

Anyway...a blood test was taken again and 2 wks later, I gotta go there again. If its as high as the 2 previous tests, Im in for a biopsy.....not good! General Anaestetic (if its spelt that way) Biopsy. Ie: They make me sleep and go in deeper. Sound bad? Yeah it is...worse hahahahaha But you know what...I know God is with me. That Im so certain of, that I know I dont ahve to go for biopsy!

God has been my pillar of strength these many months and Im so thankful. Like I mentioned before, Im now baptised and that to me...is great news! I had my 1st communion last sunday and the feeling is surreal...I cant believe I was holding the cup and bread in my hands...I always used to see people do it...never knew how it felt...I always wondered what they were thinking holding those things, not that they were really grand to hold or behold...the cup was made of plastic and the bread was normal crackers....but what it symbolises or rather to put it better, what we are reminded of with these 2 things....is Jesus....

How can anyone who has God, feel powerless.....

My job scope has exploded into something Im scared to think of but I much as Im still grabbing at the dark now, I know that God will give me the wisdom to handle things as I go along and there is no better mentor and tutor than God who is always wth me and always wise....I will have His wisdom. This is a proclamation and not a passing remark.

Ive made many new frens these many months...many siblings and thinking of them and feeling the love for them, makes me feel happy and ....xing fu hahahhahaha blessed. Once again I stick by the theory that guys and girls can be best of plutonic frens! And also, if any one were to harm my siblings, I'll be the 1st to hang them! Im thankful that some of them have found their partners and gone into parenthood or even marriage hahahahah Its good to know that the blessings I get from God, overflows. Something I used to tell myself and God...that I dont mind losing someone I love...if it means that everybodyelse around me will eventually find their right one and live in bliss...and understand how it is to love someone like I have. :p Thank you Father for fulfilling my wish. Maybe then, some of my best frens would have kids and I could have kids without having to go through the usual way or even medical procedures hahahahahah Ie: God children.

Ironically....yes I am still looing after my ex's old club and its funny how the senior year stuents still know me as who I used to be in relation to my ex ( the ex president) hahahahaha I must admit that Im having fun taking care of this group of people hahahaha Im cool with it! I intend to be a fren and not an officer..hence Iev banned them to call me Ms Ho! Over my dead and mouldy body! Id rather be called Ms Ning (only on formal occassions) and Ning (on others) than other names. Not that I hate "Ho" but that I know the age gap between us and I dont need to feel superior allt he time..I want them to be able to talk to me....Ho stops that.

K Im gonna go off now. To all my annas, akkas, tankachis and thambis, Happy Deepavali!. To my adiks and kakkaks and abangs, Happy early Hari Raya! To the rest, I love you all too!
Im missing all your company! Hugs and kisses!

God Bless!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

SuperStar...

I never imagined how much of a withdrawal syndrom I would get from the musical. I miss them to bits and everytime one of the casts and crew comes in, Id give them a hug!

Yesterday we had a performance at Istana and sad to say, we were not up to our mark...imagine my dissappointment....I know everyone was excited and I was overwhelmed too but ....I didnt know how much noise my cast can make! They are like small kids, overexcited! Haiz...I cant be angry with them but I cant believe the difference between an adult and them....adults know when to keep quiet....Hahahaha nonetheless, I still love them...they are like my little siblings!

Got small notes from them...what Xingfei would call, "fuzzy muzzies" and most of them just said, "Ning, you're like a big sister!" I guess all my nagging and scolding worked in a good way. I do hope they understand why I had t do it....

I have alot more to write...but thats it for now. Work time!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

New room? New job scope? new post-its pasted on my screen

alot has to be done...room moving...musical talks abt reruns...doc's appointments...hinking abt how to further improve my voice...aikido....

Just attended my new club's event and what can I say...maybe its coz its my ex's club..maybe coz I know people there, maybe coz of my interests...I feel like im startng to love my new club! Hehehehe God does know what I like.
All tht the times that I wished I cud take up a new language...Ive been pushed intot he source of many new languages...think Im gonna start learning from my international students...on their mother tongue...cool? COOL!

Life is starting to take its original form except, im still going through withdrawal syndrome from the musical.

The only prob with being an officer in school, is that yu make frens with students and 3 ears, they move on...new batches come and go and before you know it...you've forgotten abt the 1st batch..or vise versa. I know some dont forget you & do come and visit....those are rare. :P

K back to work! :)

God Bless!

Monday, October 09, 2006

good students...bad students...

what makes students good? or bad? dunno leh... Hard to explain...

The new fren I made recently..turned out to be not so...fantastic afterall...

Much as I know he's more mature than others...he is also bitchier....

I know ive been struggling to get my emotions on check and right now, I do believe Im over certain things. :P

Had to settle some stuff. abit of firefighting...but it sorta still makes me wonder why Im given a big club to handle...my ex's club...he was the president...the current president recognises me....and the previous president recognises me too hahahahahahha Maybe its because I always wished that I could interact with people of different nationalities

Im sressed because I wanna do well with my job but somehow I feel like Im contrantly struggling to keep afloat. I know I can eventually..I know I can because I have God.

Been missing church recently...sigh....miss the sermons...they give me strength...

Thanks guys for being so patient with me during these months of inactivity....I hope I havnt lost any frens or made enemies in the process...I love you guys...in fact..through the musical, I know Ive changed...my attitude has changed...my heart has grown bigger...

God Bless!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Standing Ovation!!!!

I cant believe it! Its a standing ovation! We did it! All the training paid off!

Im sooo touched I cried! Wohoooo!

Today is the last day...how sad is that! All the training for the past year! Im lost for words about what we just did! Will write more but right now...Im lving in my wonderland!

God Bless!

Monday, October 02, 2006

back at work...dazed

Today's plan is to rearrange my workspace...if I dont, Im gonna hate work today....

Had a long chat w one of my bros and.....in a way, i came out of it wondering if what Ive been doing was right...much as he assures me otherwise...

Last night I had a dream again...a dream I havnt had in awhile but due to last night's chat, i shud have know that it wud come out. The dream was hopeful but Ive come to a point that not every coincidence is meaningful....especially not this dream.

Im not gonna brood over it anyway...it is amazing though...how vivd he deram was hahahah and how even after time..the details still seem intact hahahah

Today will be a bloody long day...bloody bloody BLOODY long day!

BTW....Im finally baptised! Hehehehe did the ceremony yesterday and Im sooo glad I did! I now Im not te same anymore...:P Im Super Ning now! My strength flowth from Godly rivers! Hehehehahahahaah

Gonna hang up here.

God Bless all of you!