When i cant stop saying that I miss you...

Babe you have no idea...
I feel like this blog just isnt for the "commonly known" me. Its turned into something that I use to voice out what I can never say...

So Babe, I hate that I miss you before I leave your side.
I hate that I love you at all
And I know that we can never have anything more than friendship or siblinghood because.

Yet I do love you. Sadly I do. And every time I think about meeting you, my stomach does knots.
I guess i can only be thankful that we can talk to each other like more than just friends because I know that I can speak to you when I need to... Of course I have to thank you for constantly asking if I'm okay because not everyone that I treasure, does that.
And its also because of that, I love you more...
And maybe I will never find someone and maybe you will find someone...but I know that despite that, I will still love you and I dont say it and I wont say it...but when and if you need help for anything, I will be there....

I feel like I have to say goodbye now to emotionally take that step back....yet I'm reluctant to do so because I treasure the time we have together which I know will eventually end when u do find someone... I guess that is how it is with a wallflower. You always hope for someone to turn around and look at you.

Still love you babe. Dont know why you have such a hold on me...

God Bless

Wallflower...right here

Don't get me wrong Christmas was great. I got to be with the cousins, hang with sister, got lego, hang with my farmily etc. But I know somewhere in me, i wished i had someone :)

The forming of the band into what it is now, has been fantastic but also has brought about a reluctant realization for me. That maybe Im not good enough and that its harder for me to change than anything... For the silliest of reasons...

Everybody knows that I am plainer than the plain jane. I was never a fan of makeup because it was always beyond me to know how to wear it. Also that I felt like it would be me "dolling" up..just doesnt feel like me...

Yet being in this band has made me feel like this is if anything, necessary...despite some of my bandmates telling me that it's okay. Finally..the merciless MTV and commercial fashion has laid it's clutches on me, whispering into my ear that I need to change myself..

It leads me to wonder, do I really have to change to be in this line. Be it Emceeing or singing. Do I have to be "dolled up" to be someone? To be noticed...to find someone? Or is this really all in my head? Cant I be the wallflower and know that not every guy is looking at the pretty flowers and instead, look to the corners and walls? Because its there that you know this girl isnt there for show and tell. And thats where I hope that someone is seriously looking for such a girl and not preying on the un-noticed...

Cant I be that wallflower?

So if you need me, I will just be here..in my corner... clinging to what I know...

Im just too quiet now

So many times, I thank God for friends who have incessantly asked me if I'm okay. And sometimes, it's not that Im drowning or feeling terrible..its that I'm feeling...meh...
I dont think I remember what feeling great was. There was a time where I was really happy...and I cant remember that moment that I would willingly uninhibitedly utter the words " awesome!" or "amazing!" "amazeballs"
I draw a blank when I actually think of what to say to people? Sometimes even to those who are very close to me...
Because I always auto-filter what I would say...
So Im sorry to my friends whom do ask and who seem concerned and who have somehow felt that Im not gonna say anything about it..most of hte times it isnt that I'm refusing to say anything...its that I dont know wat to say... or I never think that its important enough to say...
So I am sorry that you have to be my friend....or have become by friend...

God Bless

such an empty room

I cant tell you everything because I dont know whatelse to say.

theres a part in my heart that i have not opened up for a long while and opening it now..almost feels scary..

if I take out everything in it, it will make me sad and scared at the same time.

But i know why I need to do it..but what i don't know is why you would be the one to make me do it.

And even that scares me...

You are and yet will never be the one I can ever have 

you would be like a present that I always wanted but am never allowed to have.

And the worst part about it..is that Im very certain this present was never meant for me

And the sad part is that I don't think i would ever make a suitable present for anyone.

I'm not wrapped in ribbons and pretty shiny things...

And maybe i feel that its because my content just isnt enough to warrant such pretty wrappers

Anyway this year, would be abit painful..like every other year without someone. Christmas has always had an underlying sadness to it..for me at least. I know that I say this because my focus is not on God. Technically it should be. I know by the end of Christmas, I will feel satisfied with the gatherings but left alone, I will feel and emptiness deep inside.

Funny how a room in my heart could feel so full of emotions, yet so empty; so full of memories yet so if i step in, it only feels full of echos... And how I could want to speak about it..yet I cant find the words to say anything..

I will recover..but at this moment, I need to convince myself that its nothing and that I dont care..otherwise Id always wish for a particular someone to pull me out.

I know there's a song in here somewhere...just need to take my pen out..

This world doesnt suit me Lord..

Maybe I'm thinking of this as a bigger deal than it is..maybe its just me...

Whatever it is, this is purely my opinion...

My bad has done a few gigs so far and the general feedback just includes the need for me to change my image...nothing new really...but I guess Im putting up a pouting fight. belly on the ground, kicking my feet, banging fist fight.

Music is music..no geographical, religious, racial difference. We all know that. BUT theres one difference that has stuck through time and is accepted. female lead singer's looks/appearance.

It (in my opinion) isnt fair..

It really isnt. People care less if a male singer (lead or not) is good looking. Looking good is a plus of course. But is it not meant to be about the music? if I wore a mask...or a hoodie..and sang...would it make a difference? what matters most is the voice isnt it?

I guess the more I think about it, the more I will learn to accept it..but at this point..it really isnt me.

I dont expect any of them to understand much as I've mentioned it to Wandi... well he can be very persistent at asking me what I'm thinking about.. but do I really have alot on my mind? or that I cant tell him everything? 

At this moment, I guess this is all Im thinking of.. maybe...

The person I really want to speak to now is Sonal... She knows all my pain and struggles..and we are too alike... So much to tell her...

God Bless