You

You probably would never know and that would be fine with me..Not that what I feel isnt enough to start something...

But I've learnt in the years, that my love isn't sufficient for anything..it cant move a mountain, it cant make rainbows and it cant make you love me.

I guess I lie to myself and you and everyone else that you are a brother, a good friend...but in truth, you would be a..love. I'd put you as a confidante but you wouldnt fit in that shelf...you'd take up the whole shelf... I dont tell you who I am because if I start, i cant stop... And the fear is that I wont be the same for you or I cant be the same for you...

It's simple really...I thought that with everything we've been through and I know that you only see me as a friend..a fellow mate...because that's really what we mostly meet for or talk about...

When really all I need..maybe as a sign...is a call or msg to say that you do want to meet me..for no bloody reason at all... Even if that sounds silly... For no bloody reason at all. Even if it was for an hour or 30mins...for no good reason... but we're all too scared of falling arent we...

I wont say anything because...it's safer that way... because I know that I can be strong..that I wont trip when I face you..I wont disappoint..because there's nothing to disappoint when one doesnt have expectations. Or that if I do disappoint, that I could slip into the shadows and maybe drop whatever it is we have..and call all this..a dream...

after all, it took me 1 second to love you..and years to let go...and maybe it will take many more years... but if you fly off or I fly off, then years would shorten to months and days...

At least that's what I think... but this could all be a dilusion hahaha

Sorta had to voice it out...

I dont know why but (evidently) I have been on an emotional rollercoaster these few days...

Starting from when my club gave me the most dissappointing briefing.... till getting a msg from my brother and how he was annoyed at me being unappreciative to him taking time to help w the band. Some of it my fault, others partially...

But both instances broke me...

I was very affected by it and I cried...
And it was almost scary..that I would be so affected.....

Both times I fought back tears..

And the little meaningless issues I had in the middle..that also made me cry...

I dont know why but I really was sooo powerless against this drastic dip of emotions...

What is happening to me???

To anyone else that I might end up pissing off...Im sorry in advance.. I really am..

God Bless

From the broken hearted... the cleansing

I lost you once, now I'll lose you again.
This time it's my own decision...
This time, I call the shots..

This time, nobody but me, will decide whether all this love was worth my time.

It doesn't matter anymore if you were the one who made me smile and laugh..
It doesn't matter anymore if you were the one I would think of when I was at my lowest..
The point is, I know you won't be there for me if I didn't call...and this time I won't call...


I dont want to be this weakling who runs to someone all the time...
I want to be someone who is strong when it counts, especially when others run to me...
And this time, it counts.

Maybe my face is still wet and my eyes still sting...maybe but tears still stain the bedsheets... But I know that a second more of not calling you...is a second more that will make me stronger.
And one of these days, this will be in one of my songs..one of my anthems...

The truth is, it is too hard to love you..and it is too easy for me to fall in love..and the both dont mix.
I will never know what you are thinking without me first expressing how I feel..and for me to do that, would be pulling down all the pieces of this wall I have built. At this moment, I almost feel like it's not worth me pulling them down... And if there is any bravery in being honest, I am scared.

So Im saying goodbye again... we will still meet...but this little gap in the wall that I had thought was a good idea, needs to close up again....

Somethings we just need to keep calm and carry on...even if its after the tears.

God Bless