yawn

leg is better, getting fever and have a sore throat...

BTW, the musical tixs are out. please support this production and get tixs. SP students and alumni have discount if you buy from SAA Dept (Student n Alumni Affairs Dept)

Been riddled with litle threats to make me sick but Im still up. Dead busy and stressed...I figure that when my musical thing comes again....Id be...virtually brain dead hahaha

Hang in there girl! You can do it! God's on ur side! You're strong and gutsy and fierce hahaha like how ur CJ PE teacher used to say...ur a fighter...Ding ding Ding!!! FIGHT!

zzzzzzzzzzz during break.......

k back to work!

God Bless!

Inner strength

Sounds zen or watcha-ma-call-it but Ive been fighting with my inner self hhahaha been pushing myself to do things Ive not been fond of doing..like...doing exercise hahahah

While I felt good accomplishing certain things, I sprained my ankle when I was going down a flight of stairs on Saturday...thanks to God that it didnt swell and by today, its been reduced to a minor pain. I still limp but its alot better. Thanks to God's speedy healing. :P
Im glad I was ok enough to hobble to church on sunday coz that was the last thing I would have wanted to miss...

be back later

Thank you God!

My God is good.

Ive been offered a good deal. Now I need to think about whether I want to accept it. It will affect my whole life. What will it be? What are my pros and cons?

Ive had probs at work...It gets very scary when we work till we dont know where everything is anymore...and I worry? How am I gonna get through?

Worry is a vicious enemy....Bible says not to worry. If He is with me, who can be against me? But I still worry....How , why, and what am I gonna do Father? Do I let go of the cons and go with my instinct? I did that bvefore Father and I dont know why I failed.

Sit still....God will help us solve all problems..in normal and not so normal ways....

Father I cast my worries onto you. I state my concerns and show them to you....and I bring them to you...Father I know you are with me and that everything I go through is under your watchful eye. For that, I am assured...

I cast my worries unto you...

God Bless

Maybe this is why Im me...

Went home late last night...b4 12 and I got a nagging from my mum and my sis. I know Im guilty so I didnt say anything... But it got me wondering...

Im so quiet about the things I do that my parents shud be worried. But nvr have I done something that was bad or harmful..no smoking, no drinking, no taking drugs, no tattoos, no piercings, no hanging with gangs, no unknown clubbing or pubbing sprees..etc..Im a good kid.
But since Im reasonably tame, why is it im not fond of the idea of telling my family all the things Im doing? Like the Musical, the MTV, the performances, the emcee events, the Idol contests?

Was thinking about that....

I remember the reason why Im still fighting to be close to my sis is because Ive always held close the memory of my sis asking me if Im okay when I was crying under my covers in Primary sch. Did badly in my test and was hiding from my mum hahahaha

That would probably be the 1st time my immediate family asked me if I was okay. Amazingly..my family members never ask each other how they are. No doubt they somtimes want to...but they withhold it. how withdrawn are we? I used to think that my family memebers ddnt care about me. Like I was an alien. Like Mathilda by Roald Dahl. Like I was different...My sis was the brainy one and I was just plain...Ning.

I also remember how my mum would always scold me for being untidy and all and that my hair was messy. And what infuriated me...was when she did it on the streets...As we walked, she nagged. That is why I walk faster..or am trained to walk faster...to get away from her nagging to give her no time to nag after me. I didnt need all passerbys know. But with all that nagging, after awhile, it became water that rolls off a ducks back. All the nagging backfired. Not only did not respond to any of it, I walked faster, drowned out the nagging and as and when it did get into my ears...it had reverse psychological effects on me.

So I guess thats why I look very calm and composed when things happen..why I look cool as a cucumber...or cold. Coz Im trained in not showing my expressions or feelings..since day 1. And so if anyone asks if Im doing okay, Ive learnt to say, "Im fine" Not that I dont want to say more...but that I've learnt to deal with things on my own...Im comfortable with not telling people how I feel..it doesnt bother me. Its just..how I am.

If I have a prob, I try all means to solve it myself and I dont talk abt these probs with my family. If I have exciting new stuff Im doing, I dont tell them until the last min. Why? Is it coz Im ashamed? Im af

So Ive become alot like my father...hypocritical, stubborn, secluded, introverted, perpetually looking calm or angry, opinion imposing... Most of these are what I never wanted from him but I got it anyway... what I inherited from my mum, is my capabilties to talk crap and nag.

Soo...I thought about all this and realized that I shouldnt be sad about it...coz God is with me.

Had a fren who was financially troubled but minutes after he told me about this problem, his fren called and offered him a very much legal opp to earn more than enough to settle his financial troubles. Just a snippet of how troubled he is...His mum cant work anymore coz she has a back problem soo bad that she has to go for an opp...costing a few Ks. We both thanked God for this....I just couldnt believe that God had answered his prayer and problems sooo swiftly and surely...I know I promised not to say this but I cant help but feel that I need to show people what God does....

The past 2 weeks have been horrible for me. work was climbing all over be..instead of the other way round. I was up to my neck...yet..whatever I had to do, he made it fast and sweet and smooth. I cant help but to say, "Thank you Father" Everytime I realize how smooth he's made my work.

Btw, Ive been helping my fren do backup vocals for malay songs and Im thankful for such a chance...esp when I now know that my voice isnt good... God has blessed me with a group of colleagues that make my day and I in turn try to make their day too...

Thank you God for all your blessings, thank you for making me a better person and wanting to be a better person. I love you!

God Bless

But back to the basic qn, Whhy is it my family is so quiet?

My school musical is showng on Oct 6 & 7. anyway who wants to buy tx for that show can go to sistic.

...

Had a dream yesterday...dont think I shud talk abt it

Had a birthday celebraton on a yacht..the weather was great and my cousin who jus got into the army, was present. I dont know why but i love this cousin alot. Dont get me wrong, I love all of em but somehow I feel that this cousin and I just seem to be able to click with this one hahaha and the smallest one :) Was reminiscing abt the jokes my cousin and I were making ont he boat, with my church fren hahahaha

Was really tired yesterday and i dont know why...

Btw, have been helping a fren of mine sing his back vox for his malay songs hahaha Sooo ive been walking around with my mp3 player and a file of malay lyrics. Not to mention I look malay...I really fit the bill! Hahahhaha was singing his songs everywhere! Hahahahah and believe me, Im actually liking some of them! Hahahhaha

Also to let you know my musical is gonna be sold on SISTIC, please get a ticket and come and watch. im not the lead but I still hope you'll be there...

God Bless

Father..Im feeling lousy..

had a good sermon yesterday..wish all of you were there...It was awakening...a revelation...
It made me think about what God wants me to do.... The age old queston Ive been avoiding now has to be answered...I haveto take action...thinking of this task...my hands shake...Im lost for words... I figure that before I start wth this task...I have to pray... Because God has to work in me to make it work.....It made my mood change yesterday...I became very solemn... was planning what to say...but words dont wrk...Im too scared to do it...My fren was asking if was writing my will coz I was very serious and quiet...Well technically....its my will...

Im too scared to say what I wanna stay coz it will affect someone again and I will feel very bad....I mean very very bad...dont ask me why this hasnt been solved already...Ive been trying to solve it...but God keeps reminding me. Do I have to get rid of this person from my life before I can get this prob solved?

Father, is it you? Do you mean to have this prob contantly resurfacing? Why father? does this mean that you dont want me to run? Why not Father? why cant I run away from this? Its gnna hurt both of us if I just stood and fought...and Ive fought so many times..Im full of battle wounds...

God seemed to be saying yesterday, that all I have to do is believe that it will be done...All I have to do is look to God. How abt that Father?

Father wsh I cud hear your voice. Maybe I am..but I cant recognise you...

Cried in church for no apparent reason hahahaha a few tears thats all..but they are happy ones. as they did the communion...my fren looked at me bright eyed and said, "one more month to go!" he's right! One more month to go!

Father...I have decided to face the light..Ive decided to say what I was too scared to say..I dont know how Father, but I will coz I feel that is what you want me to do, you seem to stir my heart and compel me to do it....I will rest in your arms while you lead me to what you want me to see. I will say and let you work your will... Father, deep inside I know things but I dont know if your intentions are so after all it is by my human eyes and heart that I interpret your intentions...if so Father I thank you...if not, I thank you as well because whichever way..it s the best way.

All that there is now...is to wait...it s to wait for the battle to start.

Thanks Father...

God Bless

emmmmm

granny's birthday today..what should I do?

saw miao miao (my stray cat) with her kids int he middle of the soccer field yesterday...seems like a session of home schooling. They were all miaoing at each other I figure she was trying to teach em..how to miao? But it was really cute...a big cat sitting down and facing 2 small cats hahahah

Hmm had some funny thoughts..been wanting to say them for a long time but they always slip my mind when I come down to it...
Been doing some stats for a leadership camp...the qn: Food Preferance..... its quite standard to see the chinese put chinese food and malays put muslim food..but what if (assuming I was going) I put indian food or thai food or malay food instead of the usual chinese. Is that trying to be funny? hahahahaha Well, I love indian food! At times, I prefer it! How cool would it be to be at a camp and not have the same old oily gravy chinese food, but oily curry indian food with prata and thosai and stuff. And the tea being mamsala tea?
Consequently, I did have a China Native student op for chinese and muslim. Cool!

Had a bad day yesterday....the work really brought me down...but I wasnt giving up. I was thinking to myself that God is with me. He is giving me strength and help. I had christian songs playing on my PC and it helped just hearing a verse of it while did my work because it was a reminder.

Tuition was good, thenk God as well....For the 1st in a long, I gave thanks for my food....I now know what it means to give thanks for my food and I now WANT to give thanks for my food! may forget...but I want to...My tution kid's grandma saw me and askd if I was baptised. She's a new believeer..my tution kid isnt coz his dad isnt....I pray for them... My tuition kid was good yesterday...he wasnt fidgety or naughty, We shared a book on astronomy , the universe etc and we talked alot abt many things. So my tuition was good :)

K gotta run. got musical rehearsal now,

God Bless

Is it a sin?

I wonder what will happen if I blog in work...will I get fired? Freedom of speech? Not like Im commiting defamation... how?

Read my bro's blog and He commented on how happy He is of me wanting to get baptised. Surprise surprise! Obviously He doesnt read my blog entries. Not that I resent it but I guess its been something Ive been thinking of for years...yet..somehow Ive always had a hesitance. i wanna do it willingly and not that I shud..theres a dff doing in because you want to and because you need to. I want to. I finally want to!

as for all other things..I dont know why Im built in a way where I learn things the hard way...I do things my way and do what I like...(irony for eveyrone who thinks that Im trying to control them) Is it cause since young, I wasnt allowed to do things I wanted to? Raised a rebel? Is this gonna hurt my future? I think so...I dont think much about it but when I do and when people try to convince me and advse me...I go back into the contemplative mood...should i or should I not? Or should I follow the convensional way? did my having an ex indian bf result of this?

Am i so idealistic that I cant tell when someone is trying to make use of me? eerytime I tnk of this, I know what calms me dwn..is that God has brought me here...if so, He has is reasons..and He has his own way of making me come out victorious! I praise God for that...I praise Him for my tough situations because its at these times that I take refuge in His care over me. Its not foolish escape coz everytime Im in trouble, He always takse me out from it.

Anyway..my mood is abit low now...I dont exactly know what to do now...but I believe in God. And thats all I need...

God Bless

SIGH...

so finally, stress catches up with me...

yesterday was an interesting day, NDOC (Natnl Day Observence Ceremony) and I went down to support my junior and watch their performances...it was really fun..really makes me wsh i cud be the one hosting..anyway...that was really fun...

What sucked yesterday...was my musical rehearsal....Im stetched quite far and the rehearsal was very tiring for me...I know I deserved to be scolded for not being able to follow my steps but whats upsetting me...is that Im busy with work and tuition and church that Im really tired by the end of the day. Church is fin for me..i love church...going today for bible study too... I need church more than anything now coz right now all Im thinking is how I can do it..and not how to pray to God and ask him for help. After all, if he created the world, this sint too hard for Him. At these times I know that I am blessed. Thank you Father that even as I feel an overload, I know you look after me.

God Bless

You had a bad day....

Thanks to a bro of mine, my staple diet for music is "You had a bad day" Hahahahha not that Im always moody...but that it just seems to brighten my mood. speaking of music, since my encounter w my ex...my list of songs always seems to pop out silly old love songs...ie: right here waiting, Love me by colin ray, vaseegara...why ah? I actually cudnt help but smile and think to God, " Dad, you ah! " But Ive learnt to stop reading into these songs and seeping too deep into their lyrics... yet...why do these songs still jump at me? I havnt heard them for a long time! Hahahahha anyway....thats past...

I still remembr the quarral I had with one of my bros...abt how I am in denial hahahah And I do recall telling him that nobody knows eerything abt me or whats happened to me so and even if I did talk abt things, I can never tell someone everything coz...hahahha its impossible! I dont have the capabilities tot alk abt it....not that i dnt want to lah..but i cant hahahaha I'll try....

so...today..mite be meeting

gotta go.

God Bless