I guess i cant be trusted then. Coz I'm friends with the enemy

Sigh... so anyway theres been a disturbance in one of my clubs. And i've found myself caught between 2 sides. it always seems that everyone has to take sides then...

Im trying to keep the objective ground but this is getting out of hand...

The thing is...nothing is fair. nothing. There is no absoluteness because 1 side will lose.

The thing is... I feel this is a mini war...

breaks my heart... breaks my will too

I've had enough of this drama.

Part of me actually feels guilty that I'm restricting them from doing something they love because their grades are down. I actually feel guilty! BUT I'm an officer in the school! if their grades are bad, then I have that right to tell them to get out and focus on their studies!

So what pains me even more is that now I am now one of the untrustworthy people that the juniors cant speak to me... that hurts the most...

Letter to someone

Miss you. Today was tiring. I know I should be able to be more disconnected..but somehow I feel like by not being connected, I betray the students. I'm sure alot of my colleagues would beg to differ and of course I cant be like that because work isnt my life and it shouldnt be. emotional psychological health is impt.

Yet the accumulation of yesterday evening, this morning and today...was making me tired. And its not that I was on the edge of crying..I just felt that i could sit down and cry. i did feel a sense of low.

That and I didnt have you with me...I miss you and it would be great to have you sitting on a sofa with me. no words need to be said. I just need to be next to someone whom i can trust enough to not have to hold any strong fronts. Someone whom I know, if I fall asleep suddenly and the roof crashes down on me, that I would be safe from it somehow. or maybe I need to rant..I nee dyou to at least seem like you;re listening but you dont have to provide me with solutions. Its a very female thing to do...but it is useful. Because its not that we arent strong at all or anymore. It's that we're taking a deserved break from this madness and emptying ourselves to allow for more strength to fill up, so that we can carry on with the rest of the challenge...

That and maybe I just need you to tell me that it's okay if my decisions sucked..because life has to go on and we live with it and we try to fix what we can as we carry on. That nobody is perfect... and despite that being so...that you would love me like the first day we got together..

I just need that now. I may seem fierce or strong or brave..but everything needs a rest sometimes...if we dont rest accordingly, we tumble down very quickly... and at this moment, Id like to let my legs give way and know that you'd catch me. this moment...

I'd call you just to hear your voice..if I knew who you were...but I hope we'd meet soon...

been a while since Ive been so low...

Maybe because Ive lost all my energy and confidence...

And maybe I just can't work with people whom I hate to disappoint and trouble people. I just can't...

And that my uncle passed away today...

That at this very moment, i feel like I might just go on my knees and cry...

And maybe what's making me feel sadder, is knowing that I dont have a someone whom I can call my own..because when I need it most, I always feel like Im troubling my friends..especially the ones I trust most...

Sadly the person I would hope to have beside me now, isn't someone I feel comfortable being weak in front. I guess I've always felt the need to be strong in front of those I liked. *shrugs...
And it probably because I hold so much regard for them that it kills me too...

This fear of disappointing and this pride I have is something that might hinder me from being who I truly am... in front of anyone I ever do like.

This mask..this mask might hide me forever...he might never find me...

But I pray that he does...I do...