Old year, New Year

Last post of the year and I almost feel the need to finish this post before the clock strikes 12. As if the clock would stop me from remembering all I need to say for this year...
Maybe one needs to stop thinking about last year totally to cherish the new year
Anyway while I have the time, this is what I have to say 2012...

The one thing I remember most about 2012 is that my sister got married. To her best friend. And I was there. As a present to her, I sang at her wedding dinner. :) That would be my most prized performance because it doesnt matter where I perform. More importantly it is who it is for.
The rest of the year has been a trial after trial. At times I really felt immobilised by fear and stress but I persisted and while I did not come out a champion of all champions, I came out a winner over my trials.
The times this year where I could feel myself sinking into depression, I reminded myself that I have gone down to my deepest and the Lord will never let me sink any lower.
I also found a church here. While it can never be the same as New Creation Church, it at times reminded me of GOd's love which filled me with hope and strength.
The people I worked with for my productions this year was an extreme from last year and I found friends in those I worked with this year. I dont think I have hated working with any one of them that I worked with this year.
Being away from SG for the longest time in my life, it made me cherish family and friends in SG alot more. Especially family. My relationship with my sister has grown immensely. Thanks to Watsapp and Skype. And our conversations arent just about trivial things but also our parents and each other. This year alone, I recognise just how similar we are at times. I guess my sister's words and actions did rub off on my a fair bit. it isnt just because of her that I think about our parents..but speaking to her made me confirm what I feel about my parents and what I should do. Truly I thank GOd for siblings.
As for my cousins and my niece and nephews, Luke was born this year. Jillian's 3rd child. I regret not seeing these 3 children grow up but Id rather be absent now than be absent later when they are more aware of their surroundings.
Other good news, Alan proposed to Ling, Bryan is in Uni now.
Sithu and Qihua have a son, Deborah gave birth to a son as well. Xiaoran & Alvin are due to have their son born soon.
There is truly many things to be thankful for this year. Alot of which I have no part to contribute in. All done with God's grace.

If there be any regrets this year, it would be that at times, I still let fear and stress get the better of me... it will be a continuous fight. Every fight I win, is another step forward...
Also even though this is isnt the first year, I still have not gained a bestest best bro back. it will be my absolute regret... I miss the chats we used to have. I always still believe that we can become close friends again. Nothing changes how I could always speak to him about everything...
Also, not furthering my ambition..or maybe not even knowing my ambitions...

Next year...(or shud I say this year...12:12am now) Happy New Year!
I want to keep establishing my confidence. I realize that the Holy Spirit is trying to tell me things that I often disregard as silly concerns. But time and time again last year Ive been proven wrong.
I have 11 more months to learn and experience before I return to SG.

I have many plans for the family when I get back..a new faith to improve things at home.
2013 should never go to waste. I will continue to make my relationship with family, friends and God stronger. I look forward to seeing the newborns and younger generations.

GoodBye 2012 and Hello 2013. Also, Happy Birthday Grandma..I miss you a lot...

God Bless

emo

in my dreams last night, I dreamt I was back in school and while walking to class, my bestest best bro walked by and all i could do was give him an akward smile... not because of the time rush. heck if i wanted to, id have walked over to him and spent a good amount of time with him! Its my dream!

But anyway, i woke up...feeling abit sad. somehow this bit of the dream stuck to me...

Maybe its te christmas season and Im having my first (as my friends would call it) Orphan Christmas. and as such, im reminded about what I dnt have in my life...my bestest best bro/friend.

Too long a story to tell...most of it doesnt hurt anymore. what does hurt is how from being best of friends..even siblings, Ive lost even the smallest possible contact...

to my bestest best bro

You know...what hurts more now isnt the possible love lost..its the friendship lost..

I feel like ive tried to redeem the friendship but maybe its something i did wrong that garnered no response. And the continuous no responses made me stop trying..for fear that ive overtired...for frustration..

The person I knew too well...I dont know anymore because I dont know what to do and not to do anymore...it is not familiar anymore..

While i know I have other brothers who will be there for me... the brother whom i could relate to the most, I lost....my brother, my best friend...

So yes I cry. Now while I am still sad about this loss, I have to hold my tongue...because it now feels like Im talking to a complete stranger...

God Bless

December

Its officially here. The Christmas month. The single most important month in a year for me.

Its beginning to look alot like Christmas in Sydney. Christmas trees, lights, christmas displays and songs on the radio etc.

Yet this Christmas is a sucky one. Im not with family. To make things worse, my sister visited for a week and I met up with them every evening. Had work EVERY DAY even on weekends. But I met them anyway. Every hour/minute with sister is precious. 

because she's left, Im once again reminded that I am without family at this moment and that sucks especially at Christmas, when family time is significant.

Despite the little time we had to hang out, every hour was filled with laughter. lots of updating and sisterly humour. these times Im reminded of how despite we are 8 years apart, we are pretty close.

Funny thing is Im not sure why. We used to quarrel alot when we were young and somehow everything fell into place when we grew up.

Yap. love her to bits. Her leaving sydney today was about the saddest thing Ive felt the entire year. And its heartwrenchingly sad. Everytime I think about it, I can actually tear. And its not even the time of the month.

I guess this brings to mind that lesson that one should always cherish their siblings. They are the only ones in the family who would be closer to your age and know what its like to grew up under the same household with the same parents.

Its a pity that in my immediate family, we never grew up learning how to say, "I love you" and I miss you" and give hugs etc. To me, that is my family's biggest loss.

Because its so hard to say and do all this, doing it actually feels like Im breaking a dam of emotions and I know that I might just cry...

My eyes are red now..

Cherish your siblings...

God Bless