things will only get better

the last weekend was pretty cool. Had 2 gigs with the band ad whilst we weren't at our top form sorta because I wasn't at my top form, it didn't go very well. BUT thankfully, we have people out there who liked our music. 

since being in this band, I guess I gotta admit that Ive felt the greater need to learn an instrument. Maybe I shouldn't think this way..but seeing as how everyone is trying so hard to practice their instruments, I do feel that Ive got the easier way out at times.. :/

The band truly is more talented than I am hahah especially Wandi, who is the guitarist.

That guy is a lot of things in one and its hard not to respect someone like that hahaha despite him being annoying hahaha But I am thankful for having such a talented big brother.

I guess the downside is that, I almost feel like i could never be enough help to him or the b and members because I just have not learnt how to listen like a musician. To me..it has always been more about the pitch...

Add that on to the numerous other things I think about..mostly things that I feel Im not adequate on...

I guess what Im driving at, is that I am bloody lucky to be in this band. Theres so many talented singers out there...singers who can sing and dance and do bit of audio engineering...and all I can do..is sing..and harmonise.

Of course while I do feel bad about all this and even maybe feel that Im just too untalented for this band..I know that if I give up on this, theres no turning back... and there might not even be another chance to be in another band.

Theres only 1 way out of this...learn...dont give up..and learn.

When it almost seems that nothing Im doing is good enough, I just need to get over the initial self criticism and learn. If only it took a shorter time to learn....

If only I had the time to really sit down and learn...I could earn from Wandi..but Ive learnt that Im more afraid of feeling useless in front of him than not learning. :/ Little Sister Inferiority Complex. SO no I can't learn from him...I gotta learn from others...

So while it will be slow and I while I dont know how I can go about learning these things, I guess I will keep trying..and because of that, things will only get better.

God Bless

Im just different

So just yesterday, one of my realky close friends suddenly said that I was very laid back....in terms of appearance and attire.

Then proceeded to ask me if I was worried about that...

Basically I know he's thinking about my possibly of finding someone in the future. And that my appearance would hinder me finding someone...

I get what he meant..but I guess I felt abit dissappointed that he would say that.

Because it felt that it's not enough to be me..and that  would need to dress up in order to attract the other gender.

The other bulk of disappointment is that it is true. we live in a world where first impressions make so much of difference that Im almost worried that thats really how we live by. We as humans should actually be smarter than that.

Personally, much as yes the leaner and fitter versions of the male species is more attractive. yet what I look for in a guy is the humour and character and dreams. And love...

It is almost saddening if the male gender doesnt likewise think the same...
The heart is in the wrong place. :/

Yes dissappointed... in humans in general. We have stooped so low...

As for me, I do feel the loneliness and yes I do wanna find someone. But Im not going to dressup to attract the other gender. I would dress up on my own terms..because I feel like it. Because at times, I do feel like wearing a dress or letting my hair down or putting on eyeliner. bla bla bla

But not to attract the other gender.

when this friend of mine said that if I dress up onstage, I might be able to attract some guys.
My response was, do you think I would go for those?

:/

Maybe I'm the kind of girl who would like to (assuming that Im already at a party) sit in a corner with a book or just people-watch. And maybe out there is a guy who is not into all the pretty ones who are up and dancing or talking to other guys. And maybe..just maybe..this guy would see me in the corner and decide that its worth spending time with this one coz she seems like the kind who wont get too carried away with all the razzle dazzle of the party. Maybe despite her being in the corner, shes actually got a smart head on her shoulders and a wicked sense of humour...Maybe I should talk to her.

And if that's so, then I rather this guy than the others because at least I know that he could possibly be different from the other guys in the room.

I dont know why Ive gotten so emotional about it haha but I guess I am.

As for this friend of mine... he's a nice guy and all but somehow, by this conversation, I have an idea of how he is. And its sorta changed my perception of him. He's still a dear friend. I sorta hope that he will eventually change that mindset. And maybe hopefully he will find the right kind of girl to help him do so.

God Bless

recovering

Its been a few weeks since my little crumble. I was a whole different person then..
I distanced myself away from some of my closest friends. And much as I really wanted to tell them something, I couldnt. I felt that it was too trivia and too embarassing a thing to tell...pride..

All I did was talk myself out of it. constantly drilling myself that there is nothing to be upset about and that emotions are emotions because they arent always reasonable..

So now I'm back in a place where I can face the individual and talk to them like a friend..without thinking about whether the person could ever love me. :/

Such is life.

I'm recovering again. of course its safe to say that I could never go as low as the first break because that tore my heart apart repeatedly. So if I should be able to recover from that, then it's only a matter of time before this too shall pass.

but on a side note, I dont think I would ever not love this man..as much as me not thinking that I would ever not care about the first one. its just that my regard for them isnt as strong as before..or maybe, I regard them in a different way now. Hopefully it stays that way because both these guys are amazing people in their own rights and make for good friends.

Both inspire me to be a better person and to build my talent..despite me actually feeling like crying if I do upset or dissappoint them. I know I've built a wall around my heart..but the inside is still as fragile as before... :/ shrugs

I'm still as weak as before I guess. :/ Life still has to go on..

God Bless