Wednesday, April 26, 2006

....

Once again my dad asks if Im okay. Do I look like Im not?

Its been a really long day and Im so tempted to just jump onto my bed and sleep my night through...Got a friends birthday this sat and sunday and Im abit worried about whether my dad will make noise about my going to stay over...how? Not to mention having another fren's birthday celebration next friday or sat...and having to tell my dad that Im going clubbing. Its sorta like a tabboo word? I mean who ever heard of Ning clubbing! Hahahaha "No smoking, no drinking, no drugs and NO HANKY PANKY!" says Dad. I cant imagine the day i decide to rebel and do allt he above! But its not as if I could be sooo stupid. I know how God wants me to be and I will follow that. On one hand, it irritates me that I wud have to go through the whole, "be a good girl and behave" thingy...while I should be thankful that Im even allowed to do so! Hahahaha So I should ust bite my teeth during that "crunch" and go on and enjoy myself. And just for the record, no i do not drink, i detest smoking and I sure as well wudnt wanna mess with drugs and sex unless I wanted to go to hell in the 1st place. You dont have to tell me that people wud drug my drink. I will tell you though that I dont drink anything in the clubs. I dont drink a single drink there.

Aside from all this...God has been giving me favour. I still have much to learn...and im planning on attending his bible study tomorrow. I know I havnt been very free these days. As if I wasnt packed enough in the olden days sigh...I know I have to reschedule my time properly...Use my time for the right things....

Last but not least...have you ever felt all warm on the inside but abit chilly on the outside? have you ever felt like you were feeling sooo cold physically and psychologically that even a blanket doesnt help and you ave to curl up like a foetus under the blanket? I totally understand...

Got a blood test this friday and its getting very hard for me to get off from work now...things are just flowing in like a river and my boss is demanding. I am okay with it coz I know that it takes hitting to mould a sword....I should also be thankful that God has given me soo many things to leanr. So Im okay....whatever it is...I sincerely hope that everything including my blood test..goes well. AMEN!

God Bless

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

...

http://www.newcreation.org.sg/index.htm

Note: The Pastor is a Chindian (Chinese & Indian)...has to mean something...right Father (God)?

God Bless

...

Didnt go for aikido and my dad thinks Im not okay. See what I told you? My dad's like an oversensitive meter. The moment I come home extra early..he thinks I have a prob. I dont know whats going on in his head but I have a feeling he thinks Im in a relationships prob, depressed, mixing w bad people..watever lah. Truth is, Im absolutely fine! Just abit lazy to go for class. Why must make such a big fuss? Haiz...I am not sick or not feeling well! My temperature is 37'c! haiyoh! And best part about it..the part that gets me the most frustrated is that no matter how i say Im okay, he doesnt believe it! Hahahahah i cud laughing and he'd still think Im sick! believe me! If that goes on any longer, I WILL be sick! MENTALLY! As it is im laughing at the absurdness of the issue..the way he just wont believe! Hahahah U now know where my stubborness came from.

Anyway..I just finished watching a documentary on Chernobyl. The description of the explosion and stuff had my hair on its ends. I just cudnt help but think to myself, "God, I am scared!" "Thank you so much that it didnt spread over to Singapore" "God, why? Why did Satan have to do such a terrible thing?" Its terrifying! Can you imagine sitting int he hall watching TV and the next second, you're puking and ur skin is melting or peeling? The explosion raised the number of cancer cases worldwide! for now, 1 out of 4 people get cancer... You bet Im scared!

How do I get ride of a feeling Ive had for so many years? The fact that I dream of it numerous times...has to mean something right? How do I get rid of an emotion when Ive done all i can or know to do? When it seems that God has plans for me to remember for a long time? Maybe Im fighting against God? A battle I definitely can't win...But I cant stop fighting...sigh...All i nkow is that..God will provide me with morphine to mask those things for awhile hahahaha

getting worried for my bro lah. That bro of mine is starting to get dependent on me and honestly speaking its going to freak me out if it continues. I rememebr how in sec sch, I was giving a classmate the cold shoulder because he was pestering me, following my footsteps...I was cruel and cold-hearted and rude to him (He was and still is a nice guy and fren) and I honestly dont want to turn a bro into my next enemy because once a person gets ont eh wrong side of me...he/she would never want to be near me again. To put it simple..I dont want the past to reoccur....my "dislike" mode can be easily switched on...yet VERY hard to switch off. My flaw...

Anyway..gonna go back to reading...God keep my steps firm...God take care of all of you...

God Bless

New Day

A long nights rest and Im rejuvenated! Thank you Lord!

Rushed like mad int he morning coz I forgot that I had something int eh morning ..till I was brushng my teeth..so I raced to dress and get my butt to work..sigh what a way to start work. Thankfully, God had it in mind to clear the PIE for me lah hahahaha

Had an event nt he morning and I met many people whom probabaly have forgotten my face..whatever it is, they didnt seem the least bit happy to see me but its ok coz I understand that when we're all busy, we dont look the east bit happy even if we were hahahaha. Im cool!

The one I was glad to see, was my dear uncle sam! The uncle sam that was there during my poly forum days and motivated us to do our best during the presentation. :) Im so surprised he still knows me! He's such a nice man! I intend to kep in touch with him! :)

I know this entry is abit boring hahahah but well..my fun life is suspended for while lah hahaha aikido and gym and bible study is all ive gotten time to do hahah without my dad chasing me and asking me to go home hahahah

kk enough said..

God Bless

Monday, April 24, 2006

make my life diffcult will you!

haiz..Im getting a headache...imaginary headache..feels like my mind s clouding out. You know...like a sundae cup and every few seconds, the icecream machine gives out a long train of cice cream intot he cup..mine is filling to the brim. I know this is a challenge and I ambrace that! knowing that God will give me his stength...I iwll tap into the immense and untapped energy of my spirit too. :)

Im just diong this coz i need a few seconds of downloading hahahaha

I knwo this peak period will blow over soon and Im looking forward to it! :) God will keepm e strong.

God Bless

Sunday, April 23, 2006

God's day

Today was tough. For the past week, Ive been riddled witht he same questions..apparently Satan has taken a liking to my soul....he's been plaguing my mind sia. Every belief I have in God, is being twisted around like a pretzel and it makes me soo lost at times. You know how teh road seems so blur? sigh

The sermon did some good. It was about wisdom. God's wisdom...a gift we get when we believe in Jesus. And I know that God is trying to tell me that what I need is wisdom. I need God's wisdom. Again Satan tries to twist my thoughts and ask me how much I know about God and how sure I am that what Im thinking is God's word instead of his. I do know that whatever is the case..the deal made with God is still there and by my setting of t he rules, God will answer them. Whether its a yay or nay, I will accept as it is and never again question. I will never because I know that God will speak to me.

Its quite sad really...Ive been thinking about so much that has happened and asked myself and God whether somethings that happened to me was a blessing or a trial in disguise...Was my ex meant as a gift...or a trial that God ahs given me to make me who I am today. For as it is now, I am a stronger person, someone who treasures my loved ones more...and i am closer to God. Had it not been for this trial, I wud still be very far away from God. So I should be thankful. I do know that. But was my ex ever a blessing to me? Was he emant to last? God will answer this.

As I walked out of my building today, my mind showed the word "Children's Ministry" I know my church has been asking for people to join the Children's Ministry and for no reason at all, those 2 words showed up in my head as i was walking out of the lift. I literally walked back to see if any words were written on the wall...to see if I had actually read something off the wall..coz I felt as if Id read it. But something tells me that its the Holy Spirit prompting me....I had doubts but I cleared tham coz I knew that it is God's will and Satan is the one who plants doubts in my head. So I guess I'll be joining the ministry soon hahahaha

Another thing Im considering..is to get myself baptised? Ive always wondered how important being baptised is....but if the Bible does talk about baptism and Jesus did it too...then I know that it has to be important...

You must be wondering why Ive become such an avid believer..truth is..Im not...my faith is nothing compared to others..I waver like a sail against the wind. But I can not deny everything God has done for me. Alot of thigns have happened that can not be explained. I dont believe in coincidence because believing in coincidence isnt any better than believing in God and His power!you have not seen coincidence..nor have any of us seen God. But at least God is evidently alive before my time. Historical and architectural facts show. I hate to say this as well but besides other Gods out there...which one makes more sense to believe? Are we really in debted or under control by animal gods? Is there really reincarnation? What if there isnt? What if you die an realize that there isnt...would you be willing to take the chance? Or would you believe in God and trust that through Him you will have enter heaven after death...so that you can be assured of a somethign after death? I dont know....all i know is that since I was born...I was taught that God was the one to believe..like all of us and our Gods.

I was sitting in church today and I rememebered how Iw as involved in the opening of Marine Cove. incidently, it was the part of East Coast that New Creation Church owned or managed. I helped with the media invites under my sister's fren's company, Meltdown. It made me realize that the reason why I was there to help witht eh event...was because God had a plan for me to be in this church. Since those days, He had already made a way for me to eventually come to New Creation. Before my ex, before meeting one of my bros and before coming to this church. He had things all planned! Everythingelse was part of the stop and go signs or detour and turn left/right sings to lead me to church! I never knew my Pastor was there on that day but apparently...he was. And other people whom I found very familiar as I sit through services...they were all there! God planned for all this to happen and Im too astounded..because allt he thigns that happened before I came to this church...the times I was low in faith..the times I was upset..the times I was unfaithful to Him..He actually knew and factored all of that in...it never worried Him that I would slip! It worried Satan that I would go back to church..coz Satan knew. But God was cool as an ice-cube! How amazing! All the times I even gave up or refused God (in a way)...for certain things....God knew! God let me! Why? because He knew and He had another route for me to follow! So how can I be sad or upset by anythign that happens to me when I know that whichever way I go, He is there! He can mend roads to help me back to Him?!?! Which other God does that? Which other God helps you to save yourself? Which other God carries you when your in thick soup? Which other God can bend His own Rules and sacrifice His own flesh and blood for a world of unworthy people just so they can all go to heaven? How much love does He have?

these are my thoughts guys..you know me...
Anyway..I pray for all of you..that god keeps you all safe. That he looks down on you and makes sure your path is smooth...that your families are safe.

God Bless

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Wooohhhoooo

Sooo..im pleading with my fren to help me get autograph from westside cast hehehehe

Funny...today..I feel teh lack of appetite....nothing seems to appeal to me...something feels like its gonna happen...and Im excited...but I dont know why.I feel like blogging more today even though I dont really have anything to blog about...

One of my bros was saying he feels that something is happening to him..mentally. all I could think of was that he was going mad...but I know this bro of mine and his senses are very accurate. I cant wait for church tomorrow because I know that in God's house, everything is better than best. it is the safest place to be. Thing about satan is that he always tries to scrwe with my mind...giving me evil thoughts...nasty thoughts and the lack of patience. And its really irritating! i really need to find a way to get rid of all that! Its hard to scold satan when you dont know whether certain thoguths are right or wrong. its like him telling me that paper is made from plants and me scolding him that its wrong..when its right. Well he deserves scolding to start with..but it doesnt make me any more correct than he is!

anyway..i think mentally im in a state of unrest now...maybe coz of certain thinks Im looking forward for God to fulfill...or watever....I really dont know..but I do know that when it comes....I will know it...

K shall end here...

GOD BLESS

Swooonnnn! Oh say my name!

Just went I rememebr by boss in SSO calling em ning maria coz I look fillipino..and I went witht he flow and cracked jokes about it. But today, I would be even willing to to adopt that name if a certain someone would only sing it to me hahahahaha Just finish watching Westside Story and the lead guy is so bloody cute and his voice is "to die for" that when he sang, "maria"....you'd guess what my reaction was hahahah. if it werent for the fact that I was sitting down, Id have fainted. Ohhh say my name! "Ning"

For those of you who dont know what the story is about...its a modern day Romeo & Juliet. Wasnt too happy about that at first because its another love story! Eventually one or both die and the show ends..even if they dont die..I wudnt be over the moon about it. Guess its just my dislikings and disbelief in such stuff anymore? hahahah But the acting was so real that it still touched me. Not to mention the dancing and singing that more or less made my eyes wider than they already are hahahaha I am sooo impressed! Im so smitten by the lead man! Even checked his profile! Guess what! He's only 3 years younger! Wahahahahahaha (No Ning! Cool down!)

Got a rocket in your pocket. get coolly cool boy! - Westside story

Best song...emm its a tie between Maria and Somewhere...the earlier sing of somewhere was Barbara Streisand. Amazing!

So the standards are set and my fellow performers and I have a huge shoe to fill as we undertake the SP's 1st public musical! Tough man! I see how hard things are and its exciting but not funny!

Anyway..thats all for now, I will continue to deram over Joshua Young (lead guy) for the next few days :P Till then...

God Bless!

Friday, April 21, 2006

Whats new?

Blisters and all, what else could go wrong? For the past 2 weeks, God has given me everything. Sunny weather, strength, cheerfulness and faith...

I do believe and remember that I cried a fwe nights back about a decision I made but the best poart about that is that in my hot tears, I read the bible and straight away....everything simmered down to a cool ning. I can really wonder how I every got to crying like that! hahahaha God works His powers and everyhting about those minutes are stripped to smitherines. I dont feel anything more than a mionute sadness. Which is quite sad in human and faithless terms...sorta seems like Ive lost a heart..ie: heartless? But Im not. I've just come to a point where I know I have placed it in God's hands. And I am sooo glad!

Work has been busy...but I am really getting used to it man! Its quite a "like home" feeling. I wonder what God has in mind for me!...

BTW, someone said I looked vaguely indian hahahahah what fun! New tamil words I learnt: Vai Mude and Aadiki Vasi..both mean about teh same thing :)
Aadiki Vasi - Lower your volume
Vai Mude - Close your mouth

and my fav...Pooti! (Shut up)

Soo...the theory is..when you come across soemone who irritates you..you start by telling him, "Aadiki Vasi" if he/she continues...you give him/her, "Vai Mude" ...if it reachs an intoleradle stage and ur hair is on ends and you can feel your blood presure bursting through your seams...."Pooti lah Dai!"

Enai Dai? meaning "what lah brother?"

Isnt a foreign language so fun to learn? Hehehehehehe esp of you get to use it every day and surprise pple with ur knowledge! Hahahahaha yeah well..it is cool to see pple react with eyes as big as mine. Makes me feel less of an alien...

and now I am officially crapping hahahaha

K im gonna go do some stuff...tomorrow is a gonna be as good a day as this day hahaha

God Bless!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

blisters!

Can smart ning went to play basketball and kenah blisters coz she did it barefooted....now she has to hobble like a penguin... not to mention my perfrmances..sigh...

things have been good or me. Ive put certain things down and left it for God to carry me through :)

Its helped me so much! Been very stressed with work and its fine coz I know that it wil train me to multi-task. Come tot hink of it, it sorta feels good to do so much work. hence im doing very well! :P

Anyway..i ust woke up from sleep..I slept on my table while trying to decipher and talk aout it hahahah I am that tired now!

k will go off. take care! God BLESS!

LOVE

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

...........................

Is it just me or are the days getting longer? Ive been put on the tips of my toes all day because of all the work and its gotten me very stoned hahha not to mention the stuff Im doing for the school musical...Im dead beat but most of the times..happy to be busy.

Just received an sms from Mr nerdy nerd neighbour who asks if Im heterosexual...if you wanna ask if Im lesbian, just say it! I hope for my sake that Im not straight if your motive of asking me this means ur interested...but otherwise, I am very much in favour of guys than girls as a lifelong partner. That doesnt apply to you...

Had a funny incident a few days ago. Was laughing at some teenagers and how their brains work. I was walking into a cafeteria and I realized that everyone was jammed at the entrance because the glass door that was swung in, was blocking people from walking out. While people coming in, just kept coming in and didnt bother. I simply went up and swung the door outwards and everyone seemed amazed or enlightened. As if the most atrocious thing happened..or a miracle. I think it was funny because none of them thought abt this and kept on moving around the silly problem instead of solving it! because these people were mostly from engineering faculties, made it more amusing for me hahahahahah simply logic was alluded. In fact, when Iw as trying to swing teh door outwards, it blocked some people from coming in and for a few seconds, they looked puzzled and even close to feeling irritated at the idea that my fren and I was trying to close the door and stop others from coming in. How quickly did their faces change when they realized how we solved the jam. In fact, some of them followed suit and swung the other side of the door outwards too. So Smart! And instantly, the jam was gone!

Anyway..Im doing very well! I was walking home today and realized that for the past few days, its been raining cats and dogs. At the same times, 10-1 or 3-6..somewhere around there. but wats so amazing is that for the past 2-3 weeks, there has never been a day that I got caught int eh rain. The rain came when I was at work, stopped when I was going for lunch, rained again when Im back at work and stopped before I felt the office. Like God protecting me from rain, yet taking any time He has to rain ont eh plants and trees and flowers. I feel sooo blessed!

Got blisters on my soles today...sigh..they hurt...cant walk well coz It feels ike Im stepping on a waterbed with needles...but I did my aikido and am dead tired..more than this mornings...

K im gonna go sleep. take care you all and God bless you!

LOVE

Monday, April 17, 2006

long night and long day...

It doesnt help that Im staying at my aunt's place coz it makes me feel so lazy..I dont feel like doing anything and I just end up slumping around int he room. But its because of this, I cried last night.
Its the promise I made to God. The promise wil be held strong and I believe God will give me the answer. I know I have doubts...allt he what if's and maybe's but I know that I can not doubt od and that no matter how impossible things seem, He will make things happen. Not that I want a yes. but it means that whatever result I get by the end of this week, I will honor. I will hold true to my word. :)

The Lord is my shepherd.....He maketh me lie in green pastures. I will lie in rest and assurance that God's word is true an that He will show me the way.

My friend said that I wasnt looking to good when I told him about it today...but to be honest....much as I do think about it..I find it easy to say that God will lead. I am fine! I'm not crying anymore. In fact the tears I shed last night were quickly taken away by reading the Bible...coz I know that Jesus as the shepherd, saviour and brother is trustworthy. I know that the next few days will be hard for me coz time and time again, my "old" self will come out and say that Im foolish and silly and a scardycat..and everything....but you know how In Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail...He comes across an obtacle that required him to cross from one side oft he valley to another..without a brige or rope...just air. And the truth was that the bridge can ony be obtained if you believe ...a walk of faith I guess. Like how Simon Peter walked ont he sea towards God and only fell when He thought aboutt he impossiblity of walking on water..he started to fall.

Ive seen God work many things in my life...coincidences are never coincidences...

I know Im getting to religious to alot of my frens and I apologize....it doesnt make me love you guys any lesser...in fact its coz of God that I love you even more. :)

K Im gonna go sleep. work tomorrow ...I love you guys and miss you guys soooo much... I pray that God keeps you strong in your trials and tests, keep you smiling and peaceful and waare of all the blessings you have around you.

LOVE

Sunday, April 16, 2006

God's Day

I wonder how much i write on this blog is a taboo...maybe all....
Went to church today...knowing and expecting to be healed of my troubles from yesterday and this morning...Im right..I did...Im in a better shape now.
Today, the pastor talks about Jesus as a shepherd...Psalm 23. Jesus being our shepherd is such a comforting and assuring thing..that no matter when we get lost...He will always come and find us. Its never us finding Him...its always Him finding us. I know a few years ago...I strayed from God...and much as I knew that He was there for me. He was omni-present...I didnt want to face him coz I felt as if I had done something wrong and dont deserve be in His attention..or simply coz I was too ashamed. But...no matter how you hide, God just knows where you are. He doesnt need to search for you, He knows! And He doesnt come, grab your hand and pull you back..or punishes you...He simple makes your road come back to Him. How assuring is it that...as a shepherd, He never leaves his sheep in the lurch? Not a single one. If he had 100 sheeps and lost 1, He'd leave the 99 and look for the missing 1 sheep.
It really shows how much Jesus loves us...Im sooo happy that wherever I go, Jesus is with me...doesnt matter if I take the wrong way...He will still be there to protect me. How loving is He? Praise God...
Ive been thinking of whats happened these days and everytime something reminds me of my ex..I ask God, "why?" I wish I cud meet Him and talk to Him and find out why He is giving me so many things like that. I believe that theres no such thing as coincidence...I believe that dreams are sometimes his way of communicating with us. I believe that He knows how I feel...
I believe that if Iw asnt so scared to face Jesus, I would be able to hear his voice. And now, all I need is His one word...and all my confusions and doubts will be dispelled...
It is so beautiful to think that God knows my name..that Jesus knows His sheep by name. But tis so scary to think that Satan is also trying to call me and Im scared of acknowledging the wrong owner. I fear praying for blessings coz I fear that by receiving these things...I would risk losing God...
I can imagine myself running into the wilderness and Jesus chasing after me...looking for me. Why do I want to run away when Jesus provides me with all my needs..when I have blessings overflowing?
Lord, lead me into green pastures... I will follow you Lord...I will follow your feet, ur footsteps...I will eat where you ask me to..I will lie down by your side and never want to leave your side..for fear that I might be taken away by thieves and robbers...I know htta you will always be before us, guiding and protecting us...I know that you would fight the wolves and lions for me and you have done so. I know...
As for my ex...I will not say anything to him. Not coz I dont want to...but Im scared and I am throwing down this wish to God. I believe that God will help me pass the message to Pravin y other means than myself. If God's will is to let my ex and I be back together some day...my ex will hear about my feelings or what I feel...by the end of this month. And if so, it would mean that we will be together again int he future. If not...if He doesnt know about my ordeal by end this month...I will count it that God's will would be that nothing ever happens again. And whatever thing that reminds me of my ex there after...will be more of a test of my faithfulness in God and beilef in God...than a sign that my prayers would every be answered.
Sounds absurd....but I believe its true. I believe that God has His means and ways. I believe that God knows what Im thinking now and how serious I am. It may seem impossible. But even if I told all my frens to not mention anything to my ex about all this...God will still let him know. Even if it means a pigeon or dove comes and passes him a leaf with writings on it..etc...I believe that God will answer this prayer. Thank you God. Dont let Satan corrupt my mind...I truly believe!
LOVE

It's not funny anymore....how long more before I see the tunnel of light?

I spoke to my fren today, he loves this girl so much that everything reminds him about here...its been like that for 10 years...yet..all these 10 years..he's been fighting for a cause that is against his own. His cuosin loves this girl too and my fren has becomethe unwilling middle man... This fren knows about me and my ex..and his call today meant alot for me because it was at the right timing..It was at one of my lowest moments...and it still is.

I had a rough day...really rough...my face was never without a smile yet...it just seemed torturous for me. I loved every minute of it..but yet I hate it. because it has made me someone whom Im scared to be....really scared...Im scared to be another love sick idiot who never lets go after years...I hate to be a pest...I hate to be some relentless crazy girl...I hate to be all that and yet..I am. I am and I have an internal battle that I often defeat and always fight on my own...

My fren is right...I shud have a talk w my ex...no matter how I fear of hurting him. Coz everytime I hurt him...I feel like Ive just stuck a knife into myself. It hurts for him...but it hurts for me too..and yet...what Im going through now..is like a mental self-mutilation... yet somethign tells me that I have to fight it.. have to accept and fight it. coz theres no one left to fight it with me. Not my ex. I know God is there..and yet Satan insisits on confusing me by saying that if I pray and believe I will receive..when ...I know that if I do that with this case..it would be like praying for temptation...and risky losing God.

Sometimes I wished someone would help me tell my ex this...but I fear...i fear that I wud make things worse...f I had one chance to seak to him about this again..Id say that no matter how tough thigsn are..Id wait up. Id still wait up. Not that I have to..but that i want to. I know Im not perfect but I will try my best..." if I could only pass him this message...

I cant explain why...I really cant. And If I could cut myself open and find out why..I wud..I rid the probemm and leave my ex alone...I wud let him have a peaceful life from me..crazy that I am...I wud cease to complicate his life by reminding him of bad memories and let him live his life...praying God would cover him with angels and never let his feet step on troubled grounds...but I cant...coz of my battles.

Funny thing about al this..is that I actually feel guilty..I feel like a fool an incompetant imbecile..just feeling these things..I feel like Im such a weakling that I cant even hold my own heart in place... feel like I could make alot of other lives healthier if Id only be able to control my feelings and take charge of them like a horsemen and his horse...or a dog owner and his pet.

I will pray for a dayt hat God shows me the way...

LOVE

It's not funny anymore....how long more before I see the tunnel of light?

I spoke to my fren today, he loves this girl so much that everything reminds him about here...its been like that for 10 years...yet..all these 10 years..he's been fighting for a cause that is against his own. His cuosin loves this girl too and my fren has becomethe unwilling middle man... This fren knows about me and my ex..and his call today meant alot for me because it was at the right timing..It was at one of my lowest moments...and it still is.

I had a rough day...really rough...my face was never without a smile yet...it just seemed torturous for me. I loved every minute of it..but yet I hate it. because it has made me someone whom Im scared to be....really scared...Im scared to be another love sick idiot who never lets go after years...I hate to be a pest...I hate to be some relentless crazy girl...I hate to be all that and yet..I am. I am and I have an internal battle that I often defeat and always fight on my own...

My fren is right...I shud have a talk w my ex...no matter how I fear of hurting him. Coz everytime I hurt him...I feel like Ive just stuck a knife into myself. It hurts for him...but it hurts for me too..and yet...what Im going through now..is like a mental self-mutilation... yet somethign tells me that I have to fight it.. have to accept and fight it. coz theres no one left to fight it with me. Not my ex. I know God is there..and yet Satan insisits on confusing me by saying that if I pray and believe I will receive..when ...I know that if I do that with this case..it would be like praying for temptation...and risky losing God.

Sometimes I wished someone would help me tell my ex this...but I fear...i fear that I wud make things worse...f I had one chance to seak to him about this again..Id say that no matter how tough thigsn are..Id wait up. Id still wait up. Not that I have to..but that i want to. I know Im not perfect but I will try my best..." if I could only pass him this message...

I cant explain why...I really cant. And If I could cut myself open and find out why..I wud..I rid the probemm and leave my ex alone...I wud let him have a peaceful life from me..crazy that I am...I wud cease to complicate his life by reminding him of bad memories and let him live his life...praying God would cover him with angels and never let his feet step on troubled grounds...but I cant...coz of my battles.

Funny thing about al this..is that I actually feel guilty..I feel like a fool an incompetant imbecile..just feeling these things..I feel like Im such a weakling that I cant even hold my own heart in place... feel like I could make alot of other lives healthier if Id only be able to control my feelings and take charge of them like a horsemen and his horse...or a dog owner and his pet.

I will pray for a dayt hat God shows me the way...

LOVE

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Oh bitch! You are horrible!

Excuse my french....I gotta start conditioning myself out of this! No vulgarities!

Work was tough...it feels like everything is in a mess and Im trying to make sense of all the jigsaw pieces that come from many different jigsaw puzzles!

I gotta make a tough decision...whether to got eh safe route and go for a vacancy in my ex-school...or to go out and search for other fishes..not knowing even more on whether I can get it.

Roar!

Its freaky how a mere documenary can mess up your mind. Byt he end of watching this documentary, I was shivering...I never felt so threatened to lose my religion! No doubt it gave me some insight and made me realize how much Jesus suffered for us...yet..something made suggestions that Jesus didnt die at all! etc...

I had to search for the bible...

Today is a busy day. Im abit stressed...but I know that I will have enough energy to do everyting..God-given

Shall stop here..but I pray for all of you :) That he'll keep you safe!

God Bless!

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Coollll!

Hahah the funkiest mursury rhymes Ive EVER HEARD! WAAHAHAHAHAHHAHA YOU GOTTA SEE THIS!

http://www.mothergooserocks.com/headandshoulders.html

Got Gwen Stuffunny! And Dave Mathshoes and ME2 and GreenWeek! Wahahahaha!

Its a stress reliever and Ive decided to be the ambassador for this little website that has provided me with a thousand laughs!

Have fun watching!

LOVE

Karapu Karadi Kutti!

Poor black bears man! Was watching National Geographic and they were showing how the Asianic Black Bears are being caught for their skin, for entertainment(dancing and fighting) They have nose rings that are thick and have a hook at the end. They get pulled around by this nose ring and toyed with a stick to make them dance. Fighting bears are thrown into the pits and made to fight dogs that are specially breed from other fierce digs like the the Mastiffs. Goodness!

Breaks my heart to see those bears being caught like that. Well any sorta animal that is caught and held captive like that...breaks my heart. Except small bunnies and mice and hamsters and fowls. excluding the eagle.

Church was good today. Made a few discoveries along the day. The bakery near my place that sells waffles, is a place where one of my school's foodcourt cleaners works as well. Im guessing he's a bangladeshi? Or whats the proper term for those people? Yeah. he recognises me and smiles at me but its only till today that I recognized him hahahhaha. haiyoh..for 4 years ah...Im blind! Another disocvery is that one of the officers that I had to work with when I did NDP03, is in the same church as me! Hmmm I got a shock! He didnt recognise me and I dont think he ever will...not unless I go over and say hi. But I dont intend to hahah coz I know what I'll get out of it and Im not gonna step into that hole again hahahaha

Hmm today's message: faith...like a motion activated faucet that waits for an action to give its blessings freely. I believe God is with me. I believe Lord Jesus Christ died for my sins and has made me a righteous person. But I also believe that much as we are saved...we still have the tendency to sin and fall into temptation. And so I doubt the fulfillment of my wishes because I dont nkow if what I wish for...is righteous. Is it good for God to give me this blessing? Would He givwe it to me? Or would He behold this blessing, knowing that if he did give it to me, that I could and would (as He can foresee) fall again?

I know that bad things never come from God, they come from Satan. But I also know that God would never let anything happen without His consent. So if somethign bad does happen, It's because God wants something good to come out of it.He has good in His plans.Cause I believe that if He gave us all we wanted, we would eventually slide back and take God for granted. Yet...I still do believe that God is soo good and loving that he can't wait to give me his blessings...he has it int eh palm of His hands...He is just waiting for the right time and place..for me to be ready.....That could be faith. That even when we dont receive what we want immediately, that God has heard our prayers and is waiting to give us, if only we believe and have patience.

I end here...I have stuff to do. I prayer for all of you whom I love...

LOVE

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Life so far...

YAWN!
K so wats new? Nothing happening much today. Been a really lazy day. Was watchign a documentary about finding Noah's Ark. Do you really think it can be found? Even then...do you think God would let you near it?

I seemt o believe that God wouldn't let people near. Not the weak believers at least. Why? Coz He knows us very well..He knows that if we could get the ark out...or could get something out of it...for all to see, alot of people will worship it. One more idol in the market. One more reason for straying away from Him. Because Men are so easily deluded. So I do beileve that the only time we will see the ark in its full glory...is if Jesus came again. Byt he looks of things....I hate to say this but Im getting scared.....very scared.

Went to Toa Payoh to recycle my papers and it took me 20mins to find the recycling bin. its int eh middle of nowhere! But eventually...alls well. I recycled what I cud and felt a sense of peace hahaha Wish I could throw more man! And rid my room of more stuff...but unfortunately...I am someone who has high high ihgh regard of memories. Even a ticket stub...could be like a photo to me... As it is, ive collected to many hahahah funny thign is that Im not watching many movies anymore :) Saves me the space.

Im quite glad that I have lesser intrest in certain stuff than others and it saves me soo much frustration. Like depression, like drug or smoking or alcohol addictions, or abusive relatives, or alot of toehr thigns. God ahs gievn me soooo much to be thankful of that how can I even complain about the things He doesnt give me? They are alll for my own good...

Cried today....So much for love stories hahahah. As it is, Ive wounds inside that cant heal..I still wanna add salt some more! hahaha silly me. But I must admit...I dont think I'll ever get rid of the thinking that something wonderful would happen. I know Im a sucker for those silly "you've been there all along" stories hahahah SIGH! But to me..that would be the best story..wuoldnt it? You wouldnt have to worry about not knowing each other..coz you've always known each other. From diapers to diplomas, to other "D" stuffs hahaha

So what's with me? I dont know. I guess thats it! hahaha im just..ME! :)

To all those I love, hope you're all doing fine yah. Happy sad or angry or plain mad, give me a call! We'll drive each other crazy and laugh about it. Then we'll meet to dance in the rain and get sickt he next day. But all this can be done together hahahahah

K all this mambo jambo are signs that my headache has gone tot he 'splitting" mode. Whatever it is, I love you guys as Ive always done. Even if you could have made my blood boil once hahaha

LOVE

Friday, April 07, 2006

New stuff!

Cool! Learnt new stuff from my burmese frens hahaha

How Are you: Nay Khung Lar?
Reply: Khung Par Tair

Thank you: Kyae Zoo Tin Par Tair

* Not the exact spelling*

Soo Cool! :P learning new languages is like reaching people whom you've never spoken to before!
Anyway, I just received news that I've got an event soon and Im damn happy! :D Its soo fun to do events! Hehehehehe

K over and Out peeps!

LOVE

Pray about it for me?

K 2 things to pray about...my career and my health...

Im still thinkng about which way to go in my career...Its abit hard really and all I can say is that..I will try my best and leave the rest to God.

As for my health...
Just got back from NUH...the blood test a month ago said that somethign was wrong..so I had to do a biopsy. The biopsy results say that its negative but the doc s suggestng that I go under general aneasthetic and do MRI...because the reults of one of the components in the blood test is high and specific. Which could mean something wrong...So to make sure...he wants me to d all that. Quite freaky really...Accordng tot he doc, he says that it's not not serious. He wants me to make an appointment for the tests...

On a personal note, Im doing fine. Ive never lived healthier..gym and all...cutting down on indian food...cuttng down on oily food...drinking more water..etc..I never felt better...

Anyway..these 2 things are what Im concerned about now. I know my life is in God's hands and if anything happens..I know He's there for me.

I didnt expect this to happen but as Iwas walking to the MRT today, I was thinking about walking with God and imagining that I was really holdng his hand and walking. God will lead me through. Dont worry about me k. I'll keep you guys updated. :)

God bless to all of you.

LOVE

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Wwhhheeewwwww! Comedic Horror Story!

K belated entry...today's topic: my affair with my doctor...

Went to see the doc on monday...usual yearly check-up..given my complex medical heritage (note the word heritage) Blood test came out abit funny this time. Seems the results for one of the elements was unusually high (unusual for my normal standards) so my doc said I had to do a biopsy. Didnt really understand what kind of procedure he meant, until he said the words "get some tissue from your nose"....WHAT!?!?!?!

Then I realized that this is something my sis went for previously. She had a few sticks stuck up her nose and she got to "intruiged" that she took pics of it with her camphone! I...I did the same. I understand why hahaha coz the doc made me wait for such a long time before the little "procedure" that I started to play with my phone and chatting with my sis via sms hahahah I had about 5 sticks up my nose. 2 of which were satay sticks. All of which had cotton at the end, with medication to numb my nose. Sooo 5 sticks up my nose and I now know how it feels like when naughty kids have nothing better to do than stick things up their noses. Due to orders..I cudnt sneeze..much as I was itching to do so. My sis said I could go ahead but take pics of the sticks flying out of my nose. Even luaghing was hard for me coz I could feel the sticks moving hahahahaha

I could smell the satay stick man! What if the cotton bits got stuck in there and only the stick came out? It looks alot like someone hated me enough to grab a few sticks they could find, to shove them up my nose! It looked...looked...sooooo wrong! Sooo soooo wrong! My sis was caring enough to empathize with me hahahaha and forewarned me NOT to look at the things the doc would SNIP out.

Wait............................SNIP!?!?!?!?!..................WAT!?!?!?!?............WRONG!!!WRONG!!!

You mean to tell me that he's going into my nose to SNIP something out!

Good GRIEF!

Time has come......I lay on the bed, the doctors tools at hand....weird looking scissors and bloody long scope! He's gonna put them both it at once!?!

He went in. scope on one end, scissors one the other. left or right nostril, either way, he could see the light hahaha. I dont think he even SNIPPED man! More like...PLUCK! felt like someone plucking a nose hair..only its a really HUGE and Tough nose hair! one that refuses to budge. It wasnt even counted as very pain...just very tense..as they pull....pluck....

HE TOOK OUT 4 PIECES!! WAAHHHH I was gripping my hands soo tight! manily coz my threshold of pain was alike my dad...very very bottomless pit..low. But i kept telling myself that I could depend on God. NOTHING HURTS THAN BEING NAILED ONTO A CROSS! hahahah just kept telling myself that.

The moment he too out the 1st piece, I cud feel blood flowing down my throat. Doc says I cud have bloody saliva for the next 2-3 days but dont worry guys, :) Im fine! No blood! He stuck 2 sticks into my nose to stop the bleeding and let me rest. My ordeal was over.

The prob with all this is that after the "procedure" my nose went on mucus production overdrive! My nose was an open tap! and I wasnt supposed to blow my nose at all! Damn! So tissue at hand for the rest of the hours, mins and seconds...sigh

My sis said, "its not that pain...not as painful as brazilian waxing"

Makes me love my sis even more aint it? hahaha Least I can have her to sms when im in this situation hahahaha My sis..the serious joker!

Test results are this fri. Docs says it could be due to a cold, flu, running nose...or underlying tumour. My gues is flu, coz I had that just before I tookt he blood test. But if its worse..I'll let you know. Whatever it is..I know God will be there!

Today's work was good! Very stressful, running around and turning to all directions...but very gratifying! :) God should I work here? Let me know k?

Am gonna edit my mp3 play list! change of indian songs and stuff.. not sure yet. anyone got a new kind of music I could try?

K enough for now. I hope you didnt puke on yourself, from the entry. hahahhaha

LOVE

Sunday, April 02, 2006

God's day...

Hmmm today's message...speaking in tongues...

One of the greatests doubts in non-christians..even God believers from other denominations etc...dotn really believe in tongues. I admit that Im one of them...I dont know whether to believe of not..sigh

its been a longstanding question in my ehad..about whether tongues is even a godly thing...

The pastor talks about the occurance of tongues int eh bible and I recognize that..but I dont know if that kind of tongues..is even the same tongues that I hear...is it true?

Pastor said that the more we speak in the spirit..the more we connect with the Holy Spirit? Hmmm...

Im asking God to enlighten me on this thing...hahhaa maybe what Ive believeed as an early christian..has always been wrong? hmmm

LOVE

Saturday, April 01, 2006

:)

Long day! Had a long long chat with an old friend and he said that Im the only friend who is honest with him..hmm am I really that honest? Hmmm

Anyway...been thinking abt my dress sense...scary rite? Ning worrying abt her dress sense is like...groundbreaking news! Hahahah yeah well if people can look at me and say I look like a maid or a lesbian..then I have to do something hahahha but seriously...its time...

This does not mean Ive thrown away my oversized shirts and baggy pants and beach shorts and flip flops okay! it means that they are taking a well-deserved break! Its time for more formal wear, skirts and heels and office shirts..etc to come in..if I want to look professional! Hey Val! Can come back from Aussie land to be my fashion consultant? Hehehehe

BUT im not gonna dye my hair! NOOO! Or pluck eyebrows! Not now!~

Soo been looking at clothes and wondering what style I am! sigh! Evrything is too flowery for me! YEEWWWW! Hahahaha

KK enough jokes. Happy April Fools btw! Tom is church and Im gonna go for the super early one if I can...coz starting to feel that thats the best way to start a sunday. we'll see!

Love you guys! Missing my akkas and tankachis! jie jies and mei meis! and all bros!

God, take care of them please.

LOVE