letting things out of my chest...again

I gave up writing a long time ago..even gave up on writing songs a long time ago because all I could write was sadness and tears and heartache...
years later..Im still here..in this pit of almost tears...

1.5years since my last relationship and I have cried more and cried more frequently than the last one... Ive had more fear than never...Ive adored and loved and tolerated and forgiven and discovered myself more than ever....
I never felt more fear of loss than this one and the sick feeling I've gotten too many times. The hyperventilation..
I think having lost my heart to 2 people I held dearer than my own life...Im frail... I can feel the heart heaving... I really cant have this heart broken again.... theres no more happy song in me....

I cant bring myself to do anything related to him...which in turn makes it seem like Im bailing on all my dreams...but like the 1st one...I cant bring myself to do something and remember the one that got away and have my heart ache so much that I wished they were here....

I cant bring myself to recall his smell...sleep in his shirt...even if that would keep me at ease...

Ive developed such a paranoia that I cant be productive... nothing helps..not even beer, which I took to in the beginning....

I cant even bring myself to speak to him because if I sense that I annoy him or that he doesnt care....I bail..I dont want to be hated by him. That scares me as much as Imagining that He getting into medical problems from smoking....

Yet He triggers me so much just by saying things like "See you when I see you" or "it doesnt matter anymore" ...or when im trying to show concern, he turns around and questions me for something... it triggered me so much because its like he pushes me away...
As if me asking...was a foolish thing to do.... as if it was wrong for me to even bother...
When I say "take care.." I almost hear him say "no lah! Im gonna go home and kill myself" or if I say " have a good sleep",,that he's say "no lah! im gonna stay up all night and party!"
Makes me go...why did i bother....

I know he cares.. but maybe as sister..at least thats what it feels like sometimes. I know he tried to meet up before his trip to Japan...and I was sooo happy then...I just wished we could have another chance at this... but a small voice has been saying "he's just lonely and your one of his closest friends at the moment...."

I am partly angry, partly guilty, partly ashamed..I wished I was my old self without wondering if He'd still be in my life. I need him to know that I really want him in my life but not when I am in this state...I need to be away to get myself again...I need myself back...yet I know I cant be my old self coz My old self stinks..I want to be a Better me...but Im so tired of being strong....

I know I cant be the ideal person that he wants..I will never be perfect... and its true...love isnt everything and in a way..because of that...it scares both of us that maybe 1 day we'd fall out of love..and yet how can I dismiss that Ive had feelings for him since I knew him.... something in me knew that he was gonna be trouble to my heart.... But I still love him despite how he can easily break my heart in 2...or 2000 pieces.... He's taken me down whilst trying to build me up...and I feel useless despite knowing that I should be able to be better...

If I could only speak to God and ask Him how my life is meant to unfold...and whether he is in it....
Im tired of playing this game whilst others get to find their person and walk off hand in hand. Whilst I....I sit in the corner, hunched and crying over people who might have already "in their hearts" walked off hand in hand with their own lives.

Lord...save me.. from this broken heart...i hear it shattering slowly...