Time to move away from everything

Just got off a convo with a really close friend of mine and ended up in tears...

Basically what transpired in the msg was that there was a misscomm yesterday that made it seem like I didnt want my friend to be part of the band. Or that i wasnt keen at least.
Then to add on, it implied that if I was really keen on it, I would have done certain things already..

I know its vague..but this is what made me upset
- it made me seem like I was the one who didnt want him in the band
- that i was insensitive and didnt action where I should have
- That I didnt understand Him enough to know how important this was to him.
- I was destroying his dreams..when I know that He really wants to perform...

And all that combined made me feel like I could do nothing right to even support that dream... That I'm really just a lousy friend... When I KNOW how much He really wants this.. and that hurts the most..thinking that I would be blamed as the one who SHOULD HAVE supported him the most on this and yet wrecked it...
It eventually made me even question what kind of friend I am to all my other friends...

Im more angry with myself than with this friend of mine for what was said...because maybe I should have been more understanding and enthusiastic and forthgoing with helping him with his dreams. And i almost wonder whether i should just move away from him... cause him lesser grief.... and nvr get the opportunity to dissappoint him anymore.

It made me want to shy away from everyone.... save everyone the dissappointment shall we? I cant even love myself...how can I love anybodyelse or care for anybodyelse... honestly..

I'm tired of disappointing people....tired of dissappointing myself...

Hello 2019

How do I even begin to summarize 2018? How was it different from 2017?

2018 I saw my cousin Chris get married and David getting engaged. I finally understood what it mans to be in a relationship with someone and get married to the person...how much committment and self destruction it can take...but also how much strength needed to reconstruct...some strength that Im not even sure I have...

I learnt what I lacked and sometimes, how deep i can go to destroying myself...

I also learnt what motivates me.... craft...

I also got sick enough to know that I have to look after my health better..and start looking at being more independent...


2019:
a year of strengthening...

I feel like I've found abit more of myself but I lost a very very very good friend...we are drifting away from each other... and so is my heart... but i guess stuff like that is for the best.. I dont want to think more than will affect me...

This year, I want to aim for strengthening myself...if I cant be a better person, then I cant love anybody...if I cant learn to love myself, then I cant love others..

If I cant believe that God loves me, then I cant love myself...