Deepavali

Happy Deepavali to all my indian friends in whichever country you are. :)
Had a nice time last night, walking around with Calista and Surresh. This year's Deepavali was quite uneventful till then. Really wanted to check out the markets this year because it would sort of get me ready for this december's India trip. Sort of.. We all now nothing is remotely like the Real India. :)

Speaking of India, Ive got my visa done, gonna get my vaccination done this weekend. Got a list made up on what to bring etc and of course flight tickets booked. :) excited and scared

Since the last I wrote, Ive sort of been buried in abit of stress at work. Thankfully the rock climbing, kayaking and swimming has helped with that. :) Yes I have been more active. I think a part of me is conscious of my lack of activity and that I should keep trying new things.

Also whilst doing an audio recording, I overheard one of my colleagues talk about songwriting and how its now mostly about sex etc. Songwriting involves digging into the real you inside. The you that is physically and at times subconsciously covered up by the external all pleasing you. That made me think about the songs I used to write..Whether they have been the real me or whether I haven't dug deep enough to write a song that resonates int he hearts of people...

hmm anyway thats pretty much it so far. Im sure things could sound more exciting hahaha this coming month is gonna be crazy...so crazy I might burst but we shall see..

God Bless

Almost 1 year ago

Just booked my tickets to India. 3years after Sonal went back to India and I'm now going to see her get married :) Im actually excited if I think about it. :D
Its also almost 1 year after I came back from NIDA. Its quite surreal and as the months go by, my 3 years in NIDA seemed like a dream..
This year has been quite a trip. From graduating officially, to getting back on the bandwagon of working in a tertiary institute, to defining my own life whilst defining my work life.
Ive been blessed with friends who are my life support, and also my family.
Truly being away from family in the last 3 years has made me feel a stronger need to get my family life back on track.
Ive also officially learnt how to swim. And have been doing zumba and pilates.
Im looking forward to learning how to cycle and sing/sign.
As I said on Facebook, "Step up...Step out...Step In...whatever you do, just keep taking the next step"
Today I did that. 
I agreed to do something that Id never done before. Knowing that I might be able to handle it but not knowing how. With only 30mins to spare to find out how things are meant to be handled, I took deep breathes and told myself that this is a "step out" or "step in" that I needed.
And thinking back, while I know that I could have handled things slightly differently, I know I did my best at that time. I did my best given the nerves and lack of experience.
So while I am still shaking and kicking myself for not being as good, Im still telling myself that I had to do it.
Im not stopping here. I want to keep doing new things this year. That is my aim!

God Bless

Much to thank for...

Just finished attending an acapella competition. While a part of me really wanted to sing onstage, Im not in this one. my students are....
They did good today. Their passion and their ingenuity and their new coach made it happen and from the 4th place last year, they made it to 2nd place.
Im happy for them and proud of them although I know none of this would be possible if they didn't have such a good coach. :) And honestly, I was close to missing today's competition....

And then yesterday, the sp band did their mid year concert and it was a success! :) Higher ticket sales than last year, by 200 pax.  While they weren't perfect, they did well and everyone enjoyed themselves :)

Im proud of being related to both these groups :)

Also my nephew got 4th place for his tap dance competition today! :D The little Happy Feet!

And lastly, my niece's birthday tomorrow :)

That is a lot to be thankful for, :))

Thank You God!

God Bless

Ruth Hoh...

Had my auntie's death anniversary memorial service today. She's not a war hero but she was very special to the church and so many of us didn't get a chance to say goodbye...

I was in SYD when she passed away. said my goodbyes to her through the phone without even knowing if she heard me.. a month later, after completing my production, sitting in an empty performance space, having restored everything back to standard, I cried with renewed tears...

Half a year later, meeting my club's piano instructor who was her student and having to tell her the news...I cried again....

And today, stepping into the hall, seeing all her friends, all of them telling me how much I look like her and sound like her and act like her...I struggled to hold back my tears...

Sitting behind and listening to what everybody had said, I held back as much as I could but tears streamed down my cheeks...yet at the back of my head, I hear her voice going "cry for what?" which is what she would have said if she was there and what she always said when I cried after getting scolded by her. Her scoldings made me stronger and because of those words, I never break down into a sobbing mess....the tears just flow down as I continue with my work just as I continued doing my homework under her tutelage.

She was always more to me than an auntie because everyone said I was soo much like her that she was my godma....

Listening to what everyone else had to say int he service, I knew that there was always more about her that I didn't know about and as the stories all unravelled, I became more and more proud of her as a person. She walked the unconventional, independent and free willed life.

Her friends in the church also spanned more than 80% of her lifetime. She had many primary school and secondary school friends who missed her and came and cried all over again...

Miss you Gugu....You have been such a role model to me...

One of those days

So in short, today was about endings...

As I picked out old photos of my auntie (who passed away last may) I cried. I wasnt there for her wake or cremation..And maybe..maybe because of that, I never got over it. There was not closure...

And hence, 1 year down the road.....Thinking of what she's done for the family in her own way...I know part of who i am is because of her..

Im supposed to be be speaking at her memorial service. I figure I might speak in tears and snot etc. And when Iw as asked to sing instead, my instant reaction was "how could I ever bring myself to sing if the thought of speaking about her would make me sob?"

Miss you Gugu...

On the flip side...

I ended something that Ive held on for toooooo long. Maybe its time I admitted that Ive held on to an almost dead friendship/relationship for the longest time. So today, I "unfriend"ed my ex and bestest best bro.... Makes me feel useless just doing it or waiting for so long to do it. but I did....

Without this last line...maybe I would finally not be affected....maybe I can finally put to rest that the person that I loved is dead...in a naive way..its like I've buried another loved one and maybe some day, i can face this person in a new light..as a stranger...and if we still had chemistry, to eventually be friends... Naive, idealistic...but with whatever hurt I had.....

It really isn't because I dont care about the person..but because I still do care too much... too much... And if I let myself do it, then it would be like digging out a grave and crying over someone again. I can't afford to do that...

So...(to the one I love) I dont know what I meant to you...but you meant the world to me and hostly speaking..you still do. If I can't see you in another light, I will never be able to treat you as purely a friend....Because I would always want us to be close...But I do know that that is no longer possible. And it still hurts. Rather than feeling all that every time I find out you're back, I have to step back. something I should have learnt to do when we first broke up.... 

Im sorry I caused you all that frustration and maybe even now..the awkwardness. I understand why I have to stay away from you and so I am enforcing this on myself too.

Take care and I hope you continue to have an amazing life because you are soo talented and smart and your heart shines like gold. Find a good girl to marry and have kids. Because you would make an amazing dad. You deserve all the happiness.

God Bless