Count my blessings

after the months of struggling... mostly internal... I gotta count my blessings and be thankful that you're still around and we have a period of time that we say that we're "together"? Although I can't even begin to understand the concept of dating vs being in a relationship...

there are moments though that I know I still have problems dealing with..and thats finding the right method to show that I do care and I do love you. Without sounding like a broken record or a nagging elder...

u asked if i really loved you, or loved u for how u loved me... thats always been on my mind but i know that can never be proven 100%.

Yet here i am..frustrated by my own actions and how easily they might just not be enough to show that I do care aabout you..that i do love you.. Why do I bother?

Why does it make me feel just that bit sad, knowing that maybe you dont want to be sitting in my arms, coz it (to you) feels bit too girly? hahaha i get your point...but here's mine... because i value u and want to protect what i view as precious...even if u are independent and highly efficient in all the possible ways..and essentially really dont need me at all.....
I making a molehill into a mountain... but i actually see no need of me being in your life except that I'm allowed to be there...

Somehow i dont even think u need the emotional support..uve got all that covered too...

The sad truth is that i will never be high enough in your priority list to make a difference anyway... we have so many obstacles in front of us if we do get together...that i dont even have the confidence to say that we'll endure it. Coz it seems that u can live without me just fine and I will (sad and hard truth) eventually be able to live without u. How well I dont know but we're both not silly enough to die for each other. isn't it.

Yet at this very moment... as the many moments before...  the words "i love you baby" hang at the tip of my tongue. waiting for the right time to be said out, when theres a higher chance to hear " i love you too" echoed back at me.

This is me ranting... over thinking... When all I really should be doing now, is enjoying the sweetness of having your fingers within mine, sharing hugs, kissing u on your forehead, having the chance to rest my head on your chest. even if its for an indefinite time, even if I'm not sure whats gonna happen in the near future. I can only keep trying to understand u better...be there for you whilst trying to be lesser of a nag...

As usual, i miss u...terribly... and I love you.

God Bless