letting things out of my chest...again

I gave up writing a long time ago..even gave up on writing songs a long time ago because all I could write was sadness and tears and heartache...
years later..Im still here..in this pit of almost tears...

1.5years since my last relationship and I have cried more and cried more frequently than the last one... Ive had more fear than never...Ive adored and loved and tolerated and forgiven and discovered myself more than ever....
I never felt more fear of loss than this one and the sick feeling I've gotten too many times. The hyperventilation..
I think having lost my heart to 2 people I held dearer than my own life...Im frail... I can feel the heart heaving... I really cant have this heart broken again.... theres no more happy song in me....

I cant bring myself to do anything related to him...which in turn makes it seem like Im bailing on all my dreams...but like the 1st one...I cant bring myself to do something and remember the one that got away and have my heart ache so much that I wished they were here....

I cant bring myself to recall his smell...sleep in his shirt...even if that would keep me at ease...

Ive developed such a paranoia that I cant be productive... nothing helps..not even beer, which I took to in the beginning....

I cant even bring myself to speak to him because if I sense that I annoy him or that he doesnt care....I bail..I dont want to be hated by him. That scares me as much as Imagining that He getting into medical problems from smoking....

Yet He triggers me so much just by saying things like "See you when I see you" or "it doesnt matter anymore" ...or when im trying to show concern, he turns around and questions me for something... it triggered me so much because its like he pushes me away...
As if me asking...was a foolish thing to do.... as if it was wrong for me to even bother...
When I say "take care.." I almost hear him say "no lah! Im gonna go home and kill myself" or if I say " have a good sleep",,that he's say "no lah! im gonna stay up all night and party!"
Makes me go...why did i bother....

I know he cares.. but maybe as sister..at least thats what it feels like sometimes. I know he tried to meet up before his trip to Japan...and I was sooo happy then...I just wished we could have another chance at this... but a small voice has been saying "he's just lonely and your one of his closest friends at the moment...."

I am partly angry, partly guilty, partly ashamed..I wished I was my old self without wondering if He'd still be in my life. I need him to know that I really want him in my life but not when I am in this state...I need to be away to get myself again...I need myself back...yet I know I cant be my old self coz My old self stinks..I want to be a Better me...but Im so tired of being strong....

I know I cant be the ideal person that he wants..I will never be perfect... and its true...love isnt everything and in a way..because of that...it scares both of us that maybe 1 day we'd fall out of love..and yet how can I dismiss that Ive had feelings for him since I knew him.... something in me knew that he was gonna be trouble to my heart.... But I still love him despite how he can easily break my heart in 2...or 2000 pieces.... He's taken me down whilst trying to build me up...and I feel useless despite knowing that I should be able to be better...

If I could only speak to God and ask Him how my life is meant to unfold...and whether he is in it....
Im tired of playing this game whilst others get to find their person and walk off hand in hand. Whilst I....I sit in the corner, hunched and crying over people who might have already "in their hearts" walked off hand in hand with their own lives.

Lord...save me.. from this broken heart...i hear it shattering slowly...

Thank you for being so sweet

every minute i get to spend with you might not be the best spent because we dnt always talk about serious stuff or engage each other..but Im glad its still time w u.
of all those years that we've known each other and stayed as friends, its really now that I know you as  a cool yet crazy, standoffish yet sometimes wanting attention, and being in your arms has been the best present that I could have. I dont see which other place Id rather be than there...

it hasn't been smooth sailing and I still can't believe thats we're only in march...less than a month after u came back from Japan and that 2 weeks when u were away, it was tough. not because i missed u. but because i felt like I couldn't read u ...and so i ended up over thinking...

but since u came back, its like everything went back to normal....

In fact we've now come to a stage where we joke with each other, lean into each other on the escalator, msg each other when we've reached home, msg each other good morning and good night...
the holding of hands in the cinema, him passing me his jacket when I'm cold, him remembering my fav japanese meal...
him fetching me from work etc...stuff i never saw him do till now...

am I pampered? maybe a bit... I dont get princess treatment though... u won't move mountains for me..but who can? but he keeps reminding me to better myself... not to make me feel small..but to motivate me to be better and think things differently.

So I thank you for being such an amazing person and letting me into your life... letting me see what was under that cool facade that I knew wasn't the only thing about you...

.....u confuse me...

dont we just confuse each other? sometimes we demand from each other stuff but we never say it to each other... some times we do something sweet to each other, only to realize that maybe the other person might not appreciate it..and that sucks...

we just confuse each other...

i cant help but wonder what would happen if I just didnt msg u for the whole day or whole week.... how far can I go before my heart finally gives in and sneaks a msg in...and whether that msg will get a favourable response from you. Or maybe vice versa, how long it would take before u sense something and just msg me to ask how I am....

or are we both "suffering" in silence..just coz we have not spoken abt it... because we should...

even if I might be called emotional... or in this case, maybe more female than I make myself out to be.

Im looking forward to a time that we can talk... face to face... coz i do miss u... 

All this feely stuff...so irrational...

Count my blessings

after the months of struggling... mostly internal... I gotta count my blessings and be thankful that you're still around and we have a period of time that we say that we're "together"? Although I can't even begin to understand the concept of dating vs being in a relationship...

there are moments though that I know I still have problems dealing with..and thats finding the right method to show that I do care and I do love you. Without sounding like a broken record or a nagging elder...

u asked if i really loved you, or loved u for how u loved me... thats always been on my mind but i know that can never be proven 100%.

Yet here i am..frustrated by my own actions and how easily they might just not be enough to show that I do care aabout you..that i do love you.. Why do I bother?

Why does it make me feel just that bit sad, knowing that maybe you dont want to be sitting in my arms, coz it (to you) feels bit too girly? hahaha i get your point...but here's mine... because i value u and want to protect what i view as precious...even if u are independent and highly efficient in all the possible ways..and essentially really dont need me at all.....
I making a molehill into a mountain... but i actually see no need of me being in your life except that I'm allowed to be there...

Somehow i dont even think u need the emotional support..uve got all that covered too...

The sad truth is that i will never be high enough in your priority list to make a difference anyway... we have so many obstacles in front of us if we do get together...that i dont even have the confidence to say that we'll endure it. Coz it seems that u can live without me just fine and I will (sad and hard truth) eventually be able to live without u. How well I dont know but we're both not silly enough to die for each other. isn't it.

Yet at this very moment... as the many moments before...  the words "i love you baby" hang at the tip of my tongue. waiting for the right time to be said out, when theres a higher chance to hear " i love you too" echoed back at me.

This is me ranting... over thinking... When all I really should be doing now, is enjoying the sweetness of having your fingers within mine, sharing hugs, kissing u on your forehead, having the chance to rest my head on your chest. even if its for an indefinite time, even if I'm not sure whats gonna happen in the near future. I can only keep trying to understand u better...be there for you whilst trying to be lesser of a nag...

As usual, i miss u...terribly... and I love you.

God Bless

slow slow slow

Im so thankful that we still talk...Im thankful that u msged me and that we talked like we were close friends. Im thankful that u didnt give up on this friendship...
Honestly, I havnt given up..coz my heart hasnt died...
Our conversation peppered with affection that we shared, made for a sweet pseudo reconciliation. Im adamant about not having any expectations..just grabbing any chance to learn more abt you now...learn ur love language...

Im stubborn and so are my emotions... :/

I still miss u every day..I still think abt u every day... its true.

U make urself hard to forget... u make me want to pinch, bite and kick you for being so annoying... you make me cry and smile and love...