following from my last entry... the only thing I found comforting..was that I could get out fot he office on wed, head down to perhentian for a long relaxing trip. My main goal in that trip...was to reclaim the peace I had lost throughout the cca showcase...get rid of the depression I almost lapsed into...and find God's love for me.
I think cca showcase made me lose heart in God's voice..it was then that I fought the most with will and with emotions and fought hard I did...on my own. It was sooo hard to remind myself that My Lord Jesus...was with me every step..even as I waited for my student to pick up teh phone..even after my 14 missed calls..and I sat outside the sound room...scared to press a button...for fear that the whole event ont he next day would be a failure by a wrong flip of a switch..it was through this event that I felt like I was a failure in organising events...yes it takes experience...so what do I have?
I thank God that my clubs have been patient with me....its slow but I see progress in my clubs...the standards..the bonding...the leadership..none of it because of me..and all of it I refuse to take credit in...or rather I shouldnt take credit in..even if the pride in me wanted to.
Its been tought getting this far though. Comperes is slowly floating up again...sadly we had a fwe members leave us. My only regret was not being sensitive to their needs...or maybe not having the motherly instincts to see wavering committements or weary hearts..and now htat they are gone..my heart grows wearier...
Today as I walked back..I asked myself if I was being too demanding to my clubs by setting a high standard for them...am I wearing them out....or am I right to give them a bigger goal to break out of their normal ways and try out bigger things...knowing that the whole dept or at least the heads...dont think we can do it....I honestly hate the narrow mindedness of the older.
Atr the same time...teh same people we try to get together...claim that we are "nationalist"
Honestly..I am tired. maybe not tired like the students who have 5-6 modules a semester..tests and exams and projects...but i have 9 clubs...arnd 2 events per month, financial/administrative concerns, moberly block and theatre@Moberly weekly concerts to worry about....and end of may has 2 super big events...Spore Poly River Raft Race & Graduation Ceremony...
Dpesnt that at least make me as busy as any other student in SP?
I havnt had a dayt hat I felt good going to work..in a long time...I havnt laughed heartily for a long time too...how sad...
yesterday's dinner w Ian, stephen & franceen was a dinner I had looked forward to for teh longest time...knowing that I could be my silliest and happiest at the same time...maybe a part of me felt like I had travelled back in time to the days that we all had dinner /supper after my work and I didnt feel as much stress then...
anyway..today was draining in all sense of the word and I figure the only way I cud survive may....is by learning how to get God's peace that passeth understanding...
Lord..aside from you...nobody else in this entire world knows how constricted my heart is right now, how low my body frame has sunk from its original confident posture, how broken my voice can get the moment my fears gang up against me in my mind, and how broken my heart is seeing that things dont work out..lastly..how scared I am..thinking that I'm not good at all in what Im supposed to do...Even if I had the will to explain to anyone out there..about how I felt..I could never put them all in words...how do I? How do I bring my heart and mind out...wring them dry off emotions...collect it all in a pail and peace the words together to form sentences...how? Maybe Virgina Woolf (famous writer) committed suicide because she found no more relief in stringing words together...like allt here is for a genius to convey....is already conveyed and all forms of written expressions have already been said, all analogies already explained, all examples already mentioned and all quotes already quoted..when all words fail you..then what? Lord...you alone know...how much I fight against myself to be the better one I hope to be..and how much I berate myself for being the person I dont want to be...
Maybe out of all that gives way and resigns to dissappointments and quits fighting on and loses its meaning...I might consider doing the same. Not give up on life...but give up on fighting for something that a human would deem to big to fight...maybe something bigger than Goliath...somethign even David cant sling a rock at and kill.
If condemnation could kill as cindemnation & stress is the root of all problems....then I would pretty soon be there... Haiz
Lord, thank you for that rainbow you made for me at the waterfall...it is etched in my mind because of this rareness in such a place...thank you for the grandeur of the waterfallt hat took my breathe away and reminded me of how detailed your craftmanship is that all things n this world could work as clockwork.
God Bless
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Here's a few verse from the bible that i hope will lighten your day up..
"It is the Lord who marches before you; he will be with you and will never fail you or forsake you. So do not fear or be dismayed." (deuteronomy 31:8)
"We do not lose heart, because our inner being is renewed each day even though our body is being destroyed at the same time." (2 cor 1:16)
"Draw close to God and he will draw close to you" (James 4:8)
don't lose heart.
the times before breakthroughs are not supposed to be easy.
you're heading for a breakthrough!
God wants you to rest and not focus on your fears.
sit back and watch Him settle it all before your eyes.
don't worry. He'll never leave you. He'd stick by you even if it'd kill Him. He did that once already.
=D you don't hafta be strong. just remember God is.
Post a Comment