Just got back from theatre@Moberly and had a damn stressful day lah...in fact for the past 2 days Ive been damn stressed and i hate to say this but..condemning...myself..
I know for ht past few weeks, Ive had students telling me that they are not happy with doing soo much and not being appreciated and I understand that..but theres something I know...I would rather be in a state of not being appreciated than be in a state of condemnation...
think because of alot of matters...Ive ended up condemning myself in things that may seem trivial...but may be important to me...very important..things that could co alot fo trouble...
So Im now an energy-less, emotion-less, nervous and solemn wreck.
I guess for the past 2 weeks, Ive braved the storms, constantly telling myself htat my God doesnt let his child feel abandoned and He doesnt. Whats happening now..is that Satan has this effective way of curling my thoughts into one ice ball that gets bigger and bigger as it rolls inm y head..with self condemning thoughts until it finally makes an impact on me..something like now...
So I figure with more snowballs, I'll learn to get numb and learn to avoid them...I hope so...coz If I dont...I will get worse...I believe in endurance and sticking in something till I get better in it...which is why Im trying to get my life straight with what I have 1st..before moving on...maybe thats how i prove to myself that Im more than an incapable naive person...
What is the lack of acceptance when you condemn yourself to start with? What is more corrosive? I hate what Im feeling now coz its taxing on the spirit and confidence....
Yes Im nott he strong compere that some know me to be...Im teh perpetually stressed out & forgetful officer..that all my clubs know off..if theres one thing I hope they know..is that no matter how forgetful I am...my heart is for them..and if all fails...I hope at least the heart and intention saves me..coz nothingelse will when it fails....
Maybe thats what God means....its not about good works...coz everyone fails....its the heart...
with an eveil heart and intent....everything we say or do...will be contaminated (in a way)
So I say if you ahev the confidence to do what you can do...you are good.
This upcoming trip....the one mission I have through the trip....is to heal my soul...get back my faith and look at Jesus again...
God Bless
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