addiction

We all have it. I have one. One that cant be bought at no matter how high the price. One that im utterly dependent on and getting out of it..is as bad as getting out of smoking or alcohol.

This same addiction affects my friends and family and my relationship with them.

It leaves me miserable when I dont have it and every day i think about when it will come (because I have no control over it)

And when I get it, i feel sick with how I react to it and it doesnt reduce the damage at all.

It doesnt however harm the health.

Today..I start consciously cutting down on this addiction.

God bless

1 of my rare revelations

So tonight, I felt the need to walk off some thoughts. Took a slow walk to Thomson. Not he way, I had a chat w myself. Which is creepy to many but it really is one of the best ways to sort out one's thoughts because you won't let yourself lie to you.

I realise that i was actually scared to be different form those i deem close to me. My bests, my close friends, bros and sistas. I realise how much I feared doing something wrong or different.. I keep imagining that what I say/do or dont say/do, would affect their relationships with me.

And it made me question who I was..what's my stand? what defines me?

I kept thinking that maybe Im too insensitive/boring for my friends..that i won't be a great friend. One of those that people would remember as being a great friend whom is indispensable.

Then I asked myself why I would need to be scared about this....

Having these many friends isn't what defines me. Its not what makes me Ning.

But if thats the case.. What am I? Where do I fit in? Into the grand scheme of things?

Then I realised that maybe Im meant to be undefined..maybe Im meant to be multi-faceted so that I can fit into as many places as possible. Maybe Im a jigsaw piece......

And maybe Im a piece that has 4 sides (as per normal jigsaw puzzles) that might not seem to ave a clear design on my own...but when placed together with others, int eh right place, brings to light the understanding of the jigsaw puzzle...perfectly fitting into the whole grand scheme of things...

Maybe the ones whom have a clearer idea of who they are, are the side pieces. because of that they spend less time finding out who they are and are also confined to the sides. While the rest of us, have more than 4 sides to fit into. We spend more time wondering how we fit in but when we fit in, its perfect and we bring more people together.

Maybe I am meant to be unclear because I am meant to be malible for people to connect to. Yet my fear has made me so scared of disappointing others that Id rather be on my own because I can't disappoint myself...

I shudnt be scared of being me. I shunt be scared to be different and not have the right things to say....I will never be perfect and nobody will really view me as perfect except God (because of Jesus Christ) The humans who view me as being perfect/cool/amazing/awesome..are all seeing what God has given them. Not because of anything else I did. Who I am is the basis/base line from where I improve myself.

God Bless

well wadhya know

so recently Ive come to like a particular person (big confession) and alike many of the others whom I've liked..it almost seems impossible. Always diff race/religion/age group etc. *shrugs*

I guess I'm deluded enough to keep this "friendship" with him, thinking that because Im very clear that it's impossible, that nothing would go wrong.

And as per the many past ones, Im caught in a little emotional pothole. 

And because I know that I will never be with this person. Maybe it easier to just say it to the wind that I do like him. :) because the wind blows it all away :) 

Yes I do like him. He's hilarious (in my opinion) and maybe thats what got me. He's honest (at least i think..to me) And we share too many stories. Its amazing how long our conversations are and how they make me smile uncontrollably. I find myself smiling at my phone or myself. He's got an amazing close knitted family and that attracted me too. Truly in our case, I can't call him a best friend because We never really went through stuff with each other. But he is definitely not an acquaintance. He's a confidante. So yes I do like him.

And of course, because I dont really know who reads my entries, and whether any of them know him. I just want to say, "please stop your speculations" And even if you did know who it was, don't say anything. I've very few close friendships in my life and this one I dont want to ruin. Whilst I dont know how I would ever be able to deal with a relationship and his friendship simultaneously, I dont want to lose the transparency and deep thinking conversations and friendship we have.

I can only pray at this point..that God would give me someone who is exactly like him if not better. Because Ive now found the kind of person that I want...

God Bless

One day dude..one day

Last night before I slept, i thought of many things..it almost got me sleepless. One of which was a hope..that one day. I would be able to have a proper conversation with my ex.
Dont assume that Im slipping back into a hole again.
Its not something that i havnt been thinking of. But it something I've lost faith in for such a long time.

I honestly want to recover our friendship to a point where we would be as good buds. Something in me felt that thats possible and that I would be able to once again have a hearty conversation with him.
But today, as I thought about how he is now, I don't know if we can still relate....
But something in me really wants to be perfectly honest w him and question if we can still relate to each other. Or has either of us lost a common trait somewhere along the way.

So we didnt get together. MEH Im ready to be good friends..because thats what we were before things changed. Like..Im ready to really try but ive always second guessed what he thinks.

I dont want our questions to be made of superficial "how are you doing"or "hows work"
I want someone whom I trust for honest opinions. Someone who still cares about my wellbeing and wudnt hesitate to give me the real answer. A brother.
I dont want us chuckling or laughing at each others jokes because its the right thing to do...

I know I've got friends whom have been that support system for me as well and Im not taking them for granted. One more good friend isnt too much. A broken relationship that is salvaged into a friendship...Some mistakes we make or that I made that I need to rectify because our friendship was too good to let it waste.

I know that it will take a while before I can face him physically and have as good a conversation because thats how I am. I am reserved. Im a reserved chinese. But the next we actually do have a coffee and sit down to chat, I want to be able to leave feeling like we did have an honest conversation again.. because I miss that. I really do.

One day when all us friends come together, i want to be able to joke with all of them and know that I dont need to put up a jovial front because they know me too well. And that I am actually comfortable.

I know its taken me a bloody decade to really commit to this hope and not be detered by it. But somehow, something have happened that made me realize this. I made a promise to him once that we would still be friends. I intend to keep it.

One day Pravin.

Charging up

Been thinking alot about how I want this year to be and Im trying to psyche myself up to really give my 200% this year to achieve as much as I can.

Truly ive been inspired by my sisters, close friends etc to really do stuff this year. Last year was a great year too but I know that somewhere, I lost my goal and let myself drift down the river. 

This year, the goal is not to let things just flow so easily...

This year will be conquered. 

As one of my good friends says, "wake up and tell yourself that you;re awesome!" Because you are!!!

:)

Im thankful to have so many people whom love me for who I am and who I could be. Seriously.

This year I HAVE to do something and any of you who read this and know me..you gonna have to keep tabs on me. make sure I live up to this promise to myself!

Thank God for Great Friends!!!

God Bless

Getting back into the mood of work

The end of last year was amazing and I had loads of love and fun but however much I love it, I need to get myself back into the productive mood.

Had abit of counselling session by Puneet. Got myself into a little motional melancholic bubble and he pretty much cheeerleaded me into psychoing myself that I am awesome.

Now I need to garner that awesomeness to knock of that to-do list like playing Pop Goes The Weasel....

Come ON Ning!!!!! You can SOOOOOO DO THIS SHIT!!!!!!

THIS YEAR WILL BE YOUR GAME YEAR!!!!!

RRAAWWRRRRR!

God BLess

Best line in West Wing. Best line ever used yet not mushy..

Season 7 Episode 21...

When Cj confronts Dan and admits that she's not good at sharing her life when she's so used to working independently with men.

 Dan: You can be scared. Thats okay. But you're not gonna walk away from me because you;re scared. Im not that scary.

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Dan: ..... I want us to talk like we're gonna figure it out together. I want us to talk because I like the sound of your voice. I just wanna talk!

Such a simple dialogue but it was soo clear and solo sincere and sweet.

I want that too...

I want someone to talk about everything to. And if we dont talk, I want someone I can sit next to and still feel like we had a meaningful time.

God Bless

New Year Resolutions

Been thinking about this...here it is..

1) learn to cycle
2) go for singing classes
3) Stay/get fitter w zumba and swimming/pilates/rockclimbing
4) write more songs
5) get to know more people
6) practise my guitar
7) Jam w Farmily
8) handle things more meticulously
9) spend more time with family, get to know them
10) love myself

Thanks it..i think...its a lot actually hahahaha

God Bless