1 of my rare revelations

So tonight, I felt the need to walk off some thoughts. Took a slow walk to Thomson. Not he way, I had a chat w myself. Which is creepy to many but it really is one of the best ways to sort out one's thoughts because you won't let yourself lie to you.

I realise that i was actually scared to be different form those i deem close to me. My bests, my close friends, bros and sistas. I realise how much I feared doing something wrong or different.. I keep imagining that what I say/do or dont say/do, would affect their relationships with me.

And it made me question who I was..what's my stand? what defines me?

I kept thinking that maybe Im too insensitive/boring for my friends..that i won't be a great friend. One of those that people would remember as being a great friend whom is indispensable.

Then I asked myself why I would need to be scared about this....

Having these many friends isn't what defines me. Its not what makes me Ning.

But if thats the case.. What am I? Where do I fit in? Into the grand scheme of things?

Then I realised that maybe Im meant to be undefined..maybe Im meant to be multi-faceted so that I can fit into as many places as possible. Maybe Im a jigsaw piece......

And maybe Im a piece that has 4 sides (as per normal jigsaw puzzles) that might not seem to ave a clear design on my own...but when placed together with others, int eh right place, brings to light the understanding of the jigsaw puzzle...perfectly fitting into the whole grand scheme of things...

Maybe the ones whom have a clearer idea of who they are, are the side pieces. because of that they spend less time finding out who they are and are also confined to the sides. While the rest of us, have more than 4 sides to fit into. We spend more time wondering how we fit in but when we fit in, its perfect and we bring more people together.

Maybe I am meant to be unclear because I am meant to be malible for people to connect to. Yet my fear has made me so scared of disappointing others that Id rather be on my own because I can't disappoint myself...

I shudnt be scared of being me. I shunt be scared to be different and not have the right things to say....I will never be perfect and nobody will really view me as perfect except God (because of Jesus Christ) The humans who view me as being perfect/cool/amazing/awesome..are all seeing what God has given them. Not because of anything else I did. Who I am is the basis/base line from where I improve myself.

God Bless