ramblings....

Graduation Ceremony is happening...
I didn't have many graduating students but those I had, I was happy and proud of them. :)
To see them grow within their years in SP is an amazing thing.
Some of them I know will conquer life because of their tenacity. Some I want to see enter the army and become men instead of just boys.

And then to those whom have become men and come back to visit, I always end up being amazed by how mature they've become. And I also wonder what Ive done to enjoy such privilege of their visitation....What have I done in my life?
Am I really a good officer? Or just someone whom the kids liked or felt was cool?

I guess no matter what it is, I dont want to take it for granted. I want to be a better officer..always.

And in the midst of that, i want to be a better person...

Maybe it seems almost desperate of me. Which I hope not..
But I guess sometimes I wonder what other girls have that I dont..maybe I'm just not feminine enough. LOL. dont have them X factor hahahaha
But honestly, whilst it makes me feel down sometimes...I mostly just want a person whom makes me laugh and makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. Is that not what everybody wants?
What if there comes a day where the media corrupts people's minds to the point that people just can't accept the "normal" type of person in the real world. i.e: the non sexy, non provocative kinds haha
What if they are educated to think that the base line of a girl they like would be one with the moves and the makeup? That would be the saddest thing in the world..

Anyway... it almost feels like that is happening..

Just want someone who makes me laugh heartily... who has real thoughts, can be mature yet almost child-like at times, knows how to look after themselves and others. someone whom i can speak to for hours and not wonder if this person is actually listening or faking it?

The child in me...

Felt the need to be a kid at some point today. Some times its tiring to seem like you are in control or that you are mature all he time.. always thinking about all aspects of each matter.

Sometimes I just dont want to care about anything for a day...curl up in a chair and sip on milo, fall asleep in it, whine abit and have someone go " awww there there"

Am I the only weird one? Do we all at some point feel the need to be childish, to say silly things?

Or do we all do so well at being mature that it never occurred for us to just let it go?

In fact, I felt guilty feeling the need to be silly to a select few people whom I can trust to be silly to..

There are truly only a select few whom I feel I can bare my soul to..although I guess Im constantly worried about being judged and being viewed as weak and emotional.
I dont need to be judged or assessed. I just need to be loved, to be heard , and to be understood.

There are a bunch of people whom I can't bring myself to appear weak...

I guess Im really just waiting for the person, the One..to come, make me laugh make me feel that its okay to be myself in front of him. Like..really be myself. It's emotional, crazy, nonsensical, chatty, quiet, cuddly, nonchalant person..
To appreciate my contradictions without feeling the need to ask why until I take too long to tell him.
Someone who will sit by me, ask me how I am and wait patiently for me to conjure up the right words to say it...

God Bless

Love

Whilst walking to the train station and listening to a long song. I small empty feeling sorta surfaced. My head started thinking and this is what came out..

Love is knowing that the person would slow down his life if he needs to, to care for you. But not wanting him to do so because you know that you dnt want to be his stumbling block to his dream chasing. Its forcing yourself to say no because it's better for her, when what your heart really wants to shout out is an earth shattering YES. Is feeling weak and not having the strength to carry on, except for the spark of strength gained from the mere silhouette of a person whom you constantly remind yourself that he/she is the one that you are "fighting" for. Is to feel so much for a person that if you could, you'd envelope them in your arms forever, yet fearing that the strength and love you have in you, could hurt them, that you hold it back. Love is a contradicting matter. Some people choose to cast it off from their beings but it will never be possible. The same passion to cast it off, is the same passion that will be overwhelmed by it. Let love come and liken it to be a rose that is delicate and sweet smelling yet carries with it a sting which reminds you not to take love easily, but think twice of whether you would risk being pierced to obtain it. When you do pluck it, dnt take it for granted, display it and treasure it.

I put it on FB whilst on the train.

Of course love is more than this. And i gather that maybe I've forgotten half of what love is...
What i remember is the love my family and friends have given me.

Just can't wait for the moment when I know that I want feel bad for needing to talk to the person I love. Because Id know that he's all mine. 

God Bless

Letting go...

Dont start thinking that its about a guy. its not...

Today I felt the hot tears and the strain from my gritted teeth as I finally decided that somethings are just not worth fighting for. And you may find it ridiculous, silly, over emotional for me to actually feel so much for a club that Im looking after..but it is so. And knowing how silly these feelings of mine are, I decided to stop worrying about them and let them do their job. Despite having a gut feeling that they are heading in the wrong direction.

Maybe finally I can let it go. dont worry about whether this club is surviving..because i am washing my hands off them...

Admittedly Ive always had a fav club and with this happening, Im can finally be a more objective officer. Of course I do need to apologise to the other clubs I look after... I have not been fair..

Honestly, I feel disappointed. I do... And it will take time for me to get over that and look at them like any other of my clubs. Instead of constantly feeling the pinch.

*shrugs*

oh well.... shit happens...

God bless