finally did it...

Feel apologetic for my friends who have to deal with my moods. I am afterall, not as strong as I like to be. Its all an act...and I think too much..apparently.
At this moment, one of my really good friends (whom Ive unfortunately got feelings for) has been finally labelled as a brother...again.
Feelings work in strange ways, we start off being friends and "siblings", then some things done just start turning the table around. Before I know it, feelings changed and I'm left holding my own heart, keeping it steady.
I lost the carefreeness in this friendship...
So last night, after much thinking, I knew what I had to do..may seem abit self-deceiving..but saying it out has helped. Finally calling someone a brother again...
This is like putting the lid on a pot of feelings and never looking in to see if there is anything left or what kind they are.
Im sorry for my friends who got affected by my own infection...

God Bless

back to building walls and drawing lines

Wanted to write a song but gotta let that feeling sit and for me to find the right words, before writing something.

Anyway, as usual, gonna just ramble...to a john doe

I was very foolish..Im sorry...

Im just unable to draw the line...

I dont like depending on people emotionally, especially those whom I have feelings for.

So bear with me..I need to move away..I need to build my wall again...

If I dont, I will lose control of myself and I see myself slipping. I find myself thinking of you, hoping that you would "find" me. That when I move away, you'd follow. 

But if thats all I think about, then I have been selfish...too selfish.

If i do build this wall...I will lose the close friendship that I felt that we had before this...but at least my heart won't keep running away... at least I won't second guess your words.

Missing you babe

We had an amazing long chat. 

Think its the best chat we've had so far. That would have been the best 2hrs of our friendship

And that's really all there was to it but it made my day. it made my night... you have no idea how much I needed that connection..

It's like our friendship had a breakthrough and I'm hoping for the next time that we meet...

Moving out of only being able to speak to you frankly via messages, and into a proper face to face conversation. 

We talked, we laughed, we spoke about things that I normally dont discuss about but somehow you brought that out of me...you made me reach into that little room of the unspoken. 

And the best part of it...is that you asked. 

I told you that I dont intentionally withhold info from you...if u ask, I will say... and that was all I needed.

You told me about things that I never knew about you..and now I see you in a renewed light...a greater light of respect and connection...

For the close to 10years of friendship that we had. A friendship that I'm always amazed at (because of how irregular we spoke, we could have drifted into being acquaintances) The past few months might have been the only time that made me feel like our friendship truly is one. That now I feel like I could trust you with my feelings... maybe...

I didnt need alot, but to have someone who was willing to hear me out and make me laugh. And yes you irritated the hell out of me..but that's exactly what made me laugh...

So now, I miss you...

I miss you because you made me laugh...genuinely laugh. And you understand how laughter is important. Laughter makes anyone half their age...

And part of me is alittle scared that the magic hour has gone and we would never have the same connection... if so, I might step back a little... I'm sorry..I'm weak... i dont want to depend on you..

God Bless

hello 2016!

we started 2016 with my indian homegirls. one of the best ways to start the year :D
Wine, cheese, talks, jokes etc :))

Of course at this point, I want to list down the numerous things that I can be thankful for in 2015.

1) Having my family and friends still supporting me. Having a sister whom Ive only grown to love more and more each year even if we dnt say such mushy stuff to each other
2) Climbing a mountain
3) cycling
4) hosting events and having my first proper dance performance
5) visiting Japan. And to add to that, travelling with sister and brother inlaw, AND navigating my way to Japan alone
6) finding back old friends like Julian, Raphael, John Lum,
7) Strengthening friendships with old friends like Edwin and Wandi
8) Being part of a band and performing at gigs with the funniest bunch of people like Z, Zali and Wandi. Without them, I wouldn't be laughing as much. If I ever have a malay side, its with them :) And what can I say, they are family :)

I never thought this year would turn out this way... maybe that list would seem little compared to how many days there are in the year but the effect of each of these and how long it took to happen...is longer.

Despite the other down parts that happened, this year was a good year for me. And next year I'll strive to be better and take that additional step to reach my dreams

God Bless