Cold turkey again

For the hundredth time...

After last night's conversation, I guess I'm almost compelled to do one thing...move away...

I've seen what I had to see... It wasn't what I was hoping for..but I guess if that's what it is, then that's what it is.

I just have to cold turkey again...which should be easier now with this resolve...

Afterall, this is a person who was never the one to ask me out for something...it has always been me. So as long as I stop asking, it would make things easier. All I need is to strengthen my resolve to stop speaking to the person. unless needed..

I guess that really is the way..

Sorry in advance...sorry that I bailed...

God Bless

Master saboteur

Yap thats me... in the past 10years, Ive sabotaged my entire love life till there isnt much to speak about but tears :)
I say this with a smile but truly, my eyes are getting abit hot.

And whilst I constantly tell people that crying isnt the bit that shows that you're weak, I still feel embarrassed to even feel the urge to cry..

Last night I met one of my (in my own opinon) best friends for supper.

I guess because we are (in my opinion) close enough to be such friends, it would have been natural for him to question me on whom I was referring to on FB. we spent 1-2hours talking about this person whom i admire and respect and love...how things might not be possible and the extent of which this person is actually in my heart... how hanging out with other new guy friends doesnt make it any better..instead it makes me want to just hangout with him... And how this guys is so into his dreams that he wont be able to see me..and I am but a friend along the way... And maybe I dont mean anything to him...
And how if all goes sour, I will move away to clear my system of him and find myself again..

All this I said with a straight face... all this i said so clearly and calmly that I almost lied to myself that I could do this. I realized how untrue it is this morning..waking up and realizing just what that conversation means...

I should be fine now..I should be so immuned to this entire episode...but no... Im not.

The best part of all this nonsense...is that the person I was telling all this to...(standby for applause) was the same person that I was talking about. (the oscar goes to....)

I gotta say that with allt he times that Ive said "  what nonsense!" to my kids, this is the time I need to say to myself...

Good Job Ning! I clap for you!!!

God Bless

you will never know..

And you will never know how much you mean to me... coz I choose not to say it.
And some might call me weak and foolish...but I choose to think that Im adverting the destruction of a friendship/siblinghood that would have crumbled under the pressure...

For swallowing that insecurity and overwhelming need to have you around, I might consider myself the strong one..or maybe I might really be scared of hearing the answer if I did say anything...

I don't know when Id be able to get out of this whirlpool but I know with you around, It will be harder...but I can't have it any other way..

losing a friend

Last night I had a rare serious conversation with someone whom I hold very very close to my heart..by the end of it... I almost wonder where our friendship has been all this while...almost making me wonder if we had a friendship to start with... or are we just a band...

My heart sank abit when the conversation first started...

Now when I evaluate every meetup that we had since I first knew him, I realize just how non-friends we were... I guess I might have been the only one who wanted to be friends... And when i say friends, I guess it might have meant convenient friends then (If i judge things from his perspective)

I appreciate where we are now... and hearing from this friend that I can come to him to talk abt anything or ask for help at any time... but after the first part of this conversation, I almost feel that its inappropriate to talk to him anymore...because even I cant guarantee that I will be a good friend to him... I am after all a very terrible person...

Im sorry...very sorry...

I see how I am losing a friend now...

Last night I dreamt that I was in the arms of this same person... a kind of bliss I never dared to admit or dream of having. Felt good to just be in the embrace of someone whom I feel safe with. But upon waking up, I know just how impossible and unreal this dream is...

It only just reminds me about how maybe its time I stopped believing that I could have a best friend who would eventually be the one. Maybe I really need to find someone entirely new to be the One.

Bounce back

yesterday i hit a low.. needed to curl up into a ball and stuff myself in an armchair...deep down what I really wanted was to be in the arms of someone I loved and maybe cry abit. But I dont have the luxury of any of those things.. soo I went home and teared as I repeated Bintang Di Surga on my mp3 player.

Today I woke up and my heart was void of emotions. My mind was blank and I honestly felt like last night's low was only a figment of my imagination..like I was high on some emo drug...

This morning, I woke up and my mind was very clear on where my stand should be. That things of the heart arent as complicated as I felt. It's all really simple... The one I love can never be mine... he can only be my brother. And as my brother, he is doing a fantastic job. 

No matter which role I put him, I still love him the same :) Just that i will manage my expectations better... :) 

I gotta at least be thankful that I have people whom I can call and hangout with or get advice from at a whim. 

So either way, I gotta thank God for my friends, my buddies... 

God Bless