losing a friend

Last night I had a rare serious conversation with someone whom I hold very very close to my heart..by the end of it... I almost wonder where our friendship has been all this while...almost making me wonder if we had a friendship to start with... or are we just a band...

My heart sank abit when the conversation first started...

Now when I evaluate every meetup that we had since I first knew him, I realize just how non-friends we were... I guess I might have been the only one who wanted to be friends... And when i say friends, I guess it might have meant convenient friends then (If i judge things from his perspective)

I appreciate where we are now... and hearing from this friend that I can come to him to talk abt anything or ask for help at any time... but after the first part of this conversation, I almost feel that its inappropriate to talk to him anymore...because even I cant guarantee that I will be a good friend to him... I am after all a very terrible person...

Im sorry...very sorry...

I see how I am losing a friend now...

Last night I dreamt that I was in the arms of this same person... a kind of bliss I never dared to admit or dream of having. Felt good to just be in the embrace of someone whom I feel safe with. But upon waking up, I know just how impossible and unreal this dream is...

It only just reminds me about how maybe its time I stopped believing that I could have a best friend who would eventually be the one. Maybe I really need to find someone entirely new to be the One.