Master saboteur

Yap thats me... in the past 10years, Ive sabotaged my entire love life till there isnt much to speak about but tears :)
I say this with a smile but truly, my eyes are getting abit hot.

And whilst I constantly tell people that crying isnt the bit that shows that you're weak, I still feel embarrassed to even feel the urge to cry..

Last night I met one of my (in my own opinon) best friends for supper.

I guess because we are (in my opinion) close enough to be such friends, it would have been natural for him to question me on whom I was referring to on FB. we spent 1-2hours talking about this person whom i admire and respect and love...how things might not be possible and the extent of which this person is actually in my heart... how hanging out with other new guy friends doesnt make it any better..instead it makes me want to just hangout with him... And how this guys is so into his dreams that he wont be able to see me..and I am but a friend along the way... And maybe I dont mean anything to him...
And how if all goes sour, I will move away to clear my system of him and find myself again..

All this I said with a straight face... all this i said so clearly and calmly that I almost lied to myself that I could do this. I realized how untrue it is this morning..waking up and realizing just what that conversation means...

I should be fine now..I should be so immuned to this entire episode...but no... Im not.

The best part of all this nonsense...is that the person I was telling all this to...(standby for applause) was the same person that I was talking about. (the oscar goes to....)

I gotta say that with allt he times that Ive said "  what nonsense!" to my kids, this is the time I need to say to myself...

Good Job Ning! I clap for you!!!

God Bless