Ive lost you again and this time, I dont know if I will ever find you back...

The past few weeks have been quite tough..a few inner demons running around and making me possibly the unhappiest in this entire year...I just wasnt myself..

At this moment, I guess I can say that Im in a state of numbness... almost

Im about to..or maybe I am losing one of my best friends and my emotions make it hard for me to do anything but chase him away...

Im trying not to think of the really good moments (i feel) that I had with him because if I draw a comparison with that and now, I know that I'm losing something really precious and it would start choking me up... The tight hugs, the jostling, the laughs, the hanging out, the random poking, the random "I miss you", the random urge to annoy each other.
No more random asking him out for dinner...because now I dont really know if he wants to...my guilt or my thoughts would plague me and the dinner will turn into a stale affair.

But do I have to give this up? Coz it really does feel like Ive lost a bestest best bro all over again... over and over again...

I dont think this heart of mine could take this continuously... And times that I wished that my heart was cold... and that I didnt miss any of this.... but what can I say..I do love him.

I feel that I need to step away to get myself together but I dont know if we will ever be close friends again...or if we will ever be friends... Maybe yes I am thinking too much... but at this moment I cant change it.... I have to move away so that I can get my heart out of it's labyrinth...

Theres nothing I know that will help this except for turning to God...

God Bless

Do what makes you happy...

Sunday, I was haunted by a growing need to find out what makes me happy... somewhere along the way..I lost myself again. Arent we always doing this...

Since coming back, my happiness has fluctuated too often and too drastically...

After a long chat with a close friend, I'm reminded about how I am the only one who can make myself happy. nobody else can and should do it. 

So here I am again.... thinking about my life and finding my direction again...

i want to spend my time doing things that make me happy and are worth doing.

Not Pokemon Go or Seekers etc 

No roaming around and doing nothing...or lazing at macdonalds etc

God Bless

dreams dont all come true

I dont know what to react when u tell me that you dreamt of me...
Should I be shocked? disgusted? pleasantly surprised? overjoyed?
Should I even believe in this dream that you speak of?
I spent the last 2 weeks, getting myself back to normal and with this single mention of a dream, you managed to rock my resolve...

But I dont know what you want of me... I dont know what you telling me would achieve...

Did this little dream affect our relationship? Should i now be cautious that the tables have turned? Are you telling me this to test out if something like that might become reality?

Of course I don't expect feelings to change from a mere dream... humans are more stubborn than that.
Ive fought this feeling for years. Ive had my fair share of dreams of reconciling w my ex or seeing my grandma come back to life...but none of that happened or would ever happen.
So why this?

It's a phase..just like my feelings are a phase too.

in due time, the nervousness will stop, the slight euphoric sensation when you are right next to me, will stop, I would stop looking at your face and force back a smile...

In due time, even this little dream will be forgotten...

not yet

Its been about 2 weeks..I'm sorta glad that I've made it this far.
But the more I communicate with him now, the more distant I feel..feels like I've lost someone dear...
Feels like I'm slowly closing the door...
A bit of me feels abit sad... I actually stop myself from thinking of the times that we were pretty close, because it gets me caught in a web of confusion.
That and I cant respond to him in the way I do with other brothers...so I feel the need to step back and adapt to not seeing him often...in this case, distance will cure a cracking heart. I hope.
I want to get to the point of seeing him and interpreting his actions as that of a brother...instead of thinking that maybe he might like me back.
I want to get to the point where I'm fine not seeing him or catching up with him often because its how it is with my other brothers...

But I cant do it now... I cant love him as a brother yet...

stepping back

Last week was like a slow withdrawal for me. withdrawing my presence in alot of things like hte band and some of the club activities. Not because I want to, but because i have to.

I realize that with the clubs that I've been the most involved in, there was a lack of discipline and my students were becoming too much like me.

I felt that I was getting more and more upset with them and dissappointed with their not meeting my expectations. So i decided not to input so much anymore... time to hold my tongue.

The guy whom I have loved for the longest time... somehow Ive been able to stem the emotions for now. Its been 2 weeks and that's pretty miraculous. So Im gonna keep at it and see how far I can get away. This guys is hard to love because I dont know if He can love...
And because of that, I cant love him...

Oh well....if I cant find anyone, at least I know I have amazing friends who love me...