Really tiring day sia! Byt he time church was done, I was half dead. My mood wasnt as good as i wanted it to be but its getting better. No prizes for why but who cares.
Everytime i go out, I notice small funny things that I tell myself I have to rememebr , so i can write it in my blog. BUT I always forget!!! Sooo...nvm
Its one of those times where I feel like I have loads to say but I end up with very little to say.
Anyway...got stuff to do for the week and hoping to meet up with my old frens and old teachers. :)
LOVE
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Turned out to be a less than ordinary day...sigh
So happy me sits in wait for the briefing to start when out of nowhere, my ex walks into the room. Then it hit me that "yeah ah! He's supposed to be in this thing too!" he wasnt supposed to be in it coz he was supposed to be sailing but now that its not confirmed, he'll be in it. SHIT! I uttered a short "F*&^" and banged the table once before settling my mood down again hahahaha. yeah yeah yeah i know what ur all saying now. shaking heads n sighing n all. But its okay. We didnt say hi or anything. I didnt even acknowledge him being there ( alot of pple int he room) Didnt go up to him even when we saw each other at the station. (Go figure why he was taking my direction when he always goes the other way) Anyway...I figure God had this all planned to show me what I still feel or watever reaction. Its nott hat God wants to see my reaction coz he knows it. But more of testing me...letting me know how I feel and making me realize that things arent as good as they seem.
Lets have the bitchy me talking. The ME that is bloody evil and says, at least I wore something other than shirts n shorts and looked quite mature n feminine (self praise) that if he sees if, it'll show that Im moving on... According to my fren next to me, she said he was looking quite bad...hmmm wateva! no use looking that way anymore. I out on my best posture and walked confidently off. To the other side of the train...hahaha
went to esplanade. After seeing my ex, I lost the interest of going to Arab street...wonder why...but I guess, I needed the sea to cool myself, calm my heart and stop my mind from thinking of him. Just dont understand why so many things end up in my face that remind me of him hahahaha like yesterday, Iw as shopping and was looking at.....clothes I think..when i saw this bk "20 000 leagues under the sea" under my elbow. (was leaning on it) Out of nowhere sia! hahah and other little things that shudnt be happening but happen hahahaha *shakes head* Thanks God! What a joke! Well, the sun wasnt harsh on me at the esplanade and the wind blew to comfort me. I remember one of the things I told him which im telling all of u who need comfort now...God controls everything around us...even the sun and the wind. The wind was always...to me, a way of God giving me a hug. So when the wind blew, I felt as if God was there and was conforting me and saying, " dont worry ning. wtas meant to be will be. Just believe me and eventually you'll find what i have in store for you" :) Couldnt help drop a tear and smile. Im glad I didnt get a chacne to say hi to him. Coz i was actually wondering what to react if I did come face to face with him. *shrugs* hahahaha
Went down to the street festival today and man do they need better emcees!!!! hahahahahaha The Jap(no insults intended) Festival was cool with cosplay and bands and stuff but the hosts were like shit! "Please come somemore closer to the stage" WAT THE!!! hahahahah yeah yeah bitchy me! But i guess its an occupational hazard for me hahahah after compereing for 3 years, ive come to look at hosts in a different light. hahahaha Quite honestly, the hosts there were making me cry...
Another corner had belly dancing performances and lo and behold, the host (clad in belly dancing costume) had a british eccent and couldnt get the crowd to respond. sigh....I got turned off when she started speaking. Pity to her though that no one was responding. It can be hard sometimes..poor girl.
Along marriot and esprit, there was the wireless 3logy roadshow going on and Daniel Ong and Jamie were there hahaha Now they are better!!! Walked past and watched tham host when lo and behold, one of my seniors in comperes was there! Emmm....wats his name? he came for the farewell....NICHOLAS!!! thats right! yeah! Saw him do abit of hosting as well hahaha been a while since I saw him actually but he's an okay guy. JUst got freaked out when I first got to know him. This guy was.ehmm...quite a flirt at the party. Had a huge alarm going in my head telling me to stay away from him hahaha female instinct...please heed the alarm. One of those things i learn in my past relationship hahaha another thing i learnt is not to get to close to guys...as in...dont give them the wrong signs. hahahah
Throughout this time, I was msging my sis abt the Jap festival and commenting on everything hahahah One of the lead singers of the band looks like my sis's bf hahahahahah
So here i am, home...this day really turned out more than what i thought. I admit my heart is abit unsettled hahah but hell it'll go away soon enough. Not that I dont want to be frens w him yah. Not that I hate him yah. Its that he represents everything I wanted and so us not being together is like taking away a life that i always wanted. Which is why I cant face him...at least not for now. Maybe in a few years when Ive found someone else who's willing to let me torture him hahaha then maybe I'll be over my ex and get on with life. hahahahaha
Had a fren ask me abt doing the play again. Even had one of my officers send our play to MR Dick Lee himself and all this is a huge honor! I never thoguth soemthing that all of us (my best frens in SP) did could turn out to be such a big thing. But...Id love to relive those days! But I cant. Even if I was given a chance to get everyone together againt o do it. Either new people do it, or....I'll let the rest do it together while they get a new Rachel. Im sorry you guys. I would just be too hard for me. I dont think I can conjure the same feelings again you know. :) Much as the whole origianl play is etched in my mind like it was yesterday. :) One of those things I wont forget EVER! hahahahah
K gotta go. Sleepy lah! Wanna go ZZZZZ.....YES I AM A PIG. Was born int eh year of 1. To my fellow comperes, one day. we'll be the ones out there hosting! With pay or whitout pay! Coz we love the mike! Hahahahaha
LOVE
Lets have the bitchy me talking. The ME that is bloody evil and says, at least I wore something other than shirts n shorts and looked quite mature n feminine (self praise) that if he sees if, it'll show that Im moving on... According to my fren next to me, she said he was looking quite bad...hmmm wateva! no use looking that way anymore. I out on my best posture and walked confidently off. To the other side of the train...hahaha
went to esplanade. After seeing my ex, I lost the interest of going to Arab street...wonder why...but I guess, I needed the sea to cool myself, calm my heart and stop my mind from thinking of him. Just dont understand why so many things end up in my face that remind me of him hahahaha like yesterday, Iw as shopping and was looking at.....clothes I think..when i saw this bk "20 000 leagues under the sea" under my elbow. (was leaning on it) Out of nowhere sia! hahah and other little things that shudnt be happening but happen hahahaha *shakes head* Thanks God! What a joke! Well, the sun wasnt harsh on me at the esplanade and the wind blew to comfort me. I remember one of the things I told him which im telling all of u who need comfort now...God controls everything around us...even the sun and the wind. The wind was always...to me, a way of God giving me a hug. So when the wind blew, I felt as if God was there and was conforting me and saying, " dont worry ning. wtas meant to be will be. Just believe me and eventually you'll find what i have in store for you" :) Couldnt help drop a tear and smile. Im glad I didnt get a chacne to say hi to him. Coz i was actually wondering what to react if I did come face to face with him. *shrugs* hahahaha
Went down to the street festival today and man do they need better emcees!!!! hahahahahaha The Jap(no insults intended) Festival was cool with cosplay and bands and stuff but the hosts were like shit! "Please come somemore closer to the stage" WAT THE!!! hahahahah yeah yeah bitchy me! But i guess its an occupational hazard for me hahahah after compereing for 3 years, ive come to look at hosts in a different light. hahahaha Quite honestly, the hosts there were making me cry...
Another corner had belly dancing performances and lo and behold, the host (clad in belly dancing costume) had a british eccent and couldnt get the crowd to respond. sigh....I got turned off when she started speaking. Pity to her though that no one was responding. It can be hard sometimes..poor girl.
Along marriot and esprit, there was the wireless 3logy roadshow going on and Daniel Ong and Jamie were there hahaha Now they are better!!! Walked past and watched tham host when lo and behold, one of my seniors in comperes was there! Emmm....wats his name? he came for the farewell....NICHOLAS!!! thats right! yeah! Saw him do abit of hosting as well hahaha been a while since I saw him actually but he's an okay guy. JUst got freaked out when I first got to know him. This guy was.ehmm...quite a flirt at the party. Had a huge alarm going in my head telling me to stay away from him hahaha female instinct...please heed the alarm. One of those things i learn in my past relationship hahaha another thing i learnt is not to get to close to guys...as in...dont give them the wrong signs. hahahah
Throughout this time, I was msging my sis abt the Jap festival and commenting on everything hahahah One of the lead singers of the band looks like my sis's bf hahahahahah
So here i am, home...this day really turned out more than what i thought. I admit my heart is abit unsettled hahah but hell it'll go away soon enough. Not that I dont want to be frens w him yah. Not that I hate him yah. Its that he represents everything I wanted and so us not being together is like taking away a life that i always wanted. Which is why I cant face him...at least not for now. Maybe in a few years when Ive found someone else who's willing to let me torture him hahaha then maybe I'll be over my ex and get on with life. hahahahaha
Had a fren ask me abt doing the play again. Even had one of my officers send our play to MR Dick Lee himself and all this is a huge honor! I never thoguth soemthing that all of us (my best frens in SP) did could turn out to be such a big thing. But...Id love to relive those days! But I cant. Even if I was given a chance to get everyone together againt o do it. Either new people do it, or....I'll let the rest do it together while they get a new Rachel. Im sorry you guys. I would just be too hard for me. I dont think I can conjure the same feelings again you know. :) Much as the whole origianl play is etched in my mind like it was yesterday. :) One of those things I wont forget EVER! hahahahah
K gotta go. Sleepy lah! Wanna go ZZZZZ.....YES I AM A PIG. Was born int eh year of 1. To my fellow comperes, one day. we'll be the ones out there hosting! With pay or whitout pay! Coz we love the mike! Hahahahaha
LOVE
Saaattuuuurrrrddddaaaayyyyyy(ala whale talk)
K im in an insane mood today. Got to sch too early so sat ont he benches reading The Rainmaker. The sch's changed abit. For starters, the benches are all newly painted w bright colours, the starirs are painted with bright colours too! Makes SP less of a factory hahahaha
When i walked into the computer lab, its like going back to sch days and believe it or not, the smell of computers and leather seats with wooden walls and tables.....comforting!!! hahahaha smells like the SALC room hahahah
A small surprise awaits as i anxiously wait for more pple to come intot he room for the breiefing. Dwayne will be here and Im gonna get a cance to see Saad's speech! hahaha Thats a very nice surprise! The more I sit here and talkabt all this, the more excited I get abt giving the valedication (more prestigiously know). I hope that I'll get to do this because there are just toom any pple i want to thank and what better way to thank them than through this? I also hope that it'll make my parents proud and a small msg for my dear sister :) Yesterday, she walked into my room, hunchedback and frustrated because she couldnt get her photos to come out right from her printer. She made herself comfortable on my mum's bed while I was lying on mine and peeling postcards. hahaha the curious her decided to help me and both of us, lay down peeling postcards. hahaha Like small kids with nothing better to do hahahaha But something as trivial as this is still a precious moment... :) Its funny how id teach her how to peel a postcard hahahaha
Anyway...times coming to start the briefing. Cant wait! Love you guys! WOOHOOO
LOVE
When i walked into the computer lab, its like going back to sch days and believe it or not, the smell of computers and leather seats with wooden walls and tables.....comforting!!! hahahaha smells like the SALC room hahahah
A small surprise awaits as i anxiously wait for more pple to come intot he room for the breiefing. Dwayne will be here and Im gonna get a cance to see Saad's speech! hahaha Thats a very nice surprise! The more I sit here and talkabt all this, the more excited I get abt giving the valedication (more prestigiously know). I hope that I'll get to do this because there are just toom any pple i want to thank and what better way to thank them than through this? I also hope that it'll make my parents proud and a small msg for my dear sister :) Yesterday, she walked into my room, hunchedback and frustrated because she couldnt get her photos to come out right from her printer. She made herself comfortable on my mum's bed while I was lying on mine and peeling postcards. hahaha the curious her decided to help me and both of us, lay down peeling postcards. hahaha Like small kids with nothing better to do hahahaha But something as trivial as this is still a precious moment... :) Its funny how id teach her how to peel a postcard hahahaha
Anyway...times coming to start the briefing. Cant wait! Love you guys! WOOHOOO
LOVE
Thursday, June 02, 2005
One of my best days!
Went back to sch today :D bought rice for one of my officers hahah promised to go visit her so I did. Also had a talk w another officer who's planning to have a musical next year ans she's thinking of adopting my old play!!! (to the dimsum masala love people) She sent the script to DICK LEE!!! She even brought me along for a meeting w theatreworks at the Arthouse!!! SHIT! I saw jeffery. The one who helped direct Singalish on Trial. He suggested alot of stuff like scriptwriting workshop, songwriting workshop etc and as I listened, I became more excited. Of course...using the play isnt confirmed so lets not get our hopes up! Much as the idea that what my frens and I put our heatr n soul into doing is actually becoming something bigger than wat we imagined it'd ever get!!! I walked out of the Art House feeling as if everything is possible... :) And when u feelt hat way, you end up walking all the way from the Art House...to Dhoby Ghaut....hahaha exactly wat i did.
I also digressed abit hahaha coz I saw some interesting things..like the Substation (place where alof of performances are often held) and the old MPH building (now known as the AIT academy) Wasnt tiring at allm an!! Just a pleasant walk. playing....those computer games where you go around exploring a strange land and the more u walk, the more of the land you uncover....Toe Jam N Earl? hahaha one of those games where the map of the place reveals more the more you walk.. yeah. So the walk was great!!!
GOing back to sch was like going back to home...Good thing I wore a cap coz I think all the juniors know me from the horrid SAA video I was in! And the sch song! SHIT! haiz.... I hide my face! they were having the CCA Fair and I went to see the booth. It just feels sooo good, seeing old frens again hahahaha. One of them got excited when she saw me then the both of us literally ran itno each others arms hahahah ( NO im NOT Lesbian) she almost fell ont he floor! hahahaha LOVE all of that! I feel sooo much in love w comperes that leaving itsorta makes me feel abit sad hahaha
Cant help but remember the 1st times I did compereing. Even went up to the clubhouse and snapped a pic of the clubhouse. Intend to caption it, "this is the place I feel in love" hahahahahah works both ways really....or maybe, " the place it all started" :) Going into the office, I felt like a small kid going visitng hahahah spoke to the oficers like old frens! Got to godmas in there man! Dun play play hahahaha
Tuition was quite good hahahah Played Lego w my kid. He's only six and he's trying to build a windmill with wires and battery included. The instructions can jolly well be burnted coz they were only pics...they did help but it took abit of time to understand. So I ended up int he house for...2 hours hahahah
So today was great as well. :P
I also digressed abit hahaha coz I saw some interesting things..like the Substation (place where alof of performances are often held) and the old MPH building (now known as the AIT academy) Wasnt tiring at allm an!! Just a pleasant walk. playing....those computer games where you go around exploring a strange land and the more u walk, the more of the land you uncover....Toe Jam N Earl? hahaha one of those games where the map of the place reveals more the more you walk.. yeah. So the walk was great!!!
GOing back to sch was like going back to home...Good thing I wore a cap coz I think all the juniors know me from the horrid SAA video I was in! And the sch song! SHIT! haiz.... I hide my face! they were having the CCA Fair and I went to see the booth. It just feels sooo good, seeing old frens again hahahaha. One of them got excited when she saw me then the both of us literally ran itno each others arms hahahah ( NO im NOT Lesbian) she almost fell ont he floor! hahahaha LOVE all of that! I feel sooo much in love w comperes that leaving itsorta makes me feel abit sad hahaha
Cant help but remember the 1st times I did compereing. Even went up to the clubhouse and snapped a pic of the clubhouse. Intend to caption it, "this is the place I feel in love" hahahahahah works both ways really....or maybe, " the place it all started" :) Going into the office, I felt like a small kid going visitng hahahah spoke to the oficers like old frens! Got to godmas in there man! Dun play play hahahaha
Tuition was quite good hahahah Played Lego w my kid. He's only six and he's trying to build a windmill with wires and battery included. The instructions can jolly well be burnted coz they were only pics...they did help but it took abit of time to understand. So I ended up int he house for...2 hours hahahah
So today was great as well. :P
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
nothing much...
Watched Eye for A guy. Dont scorn yet will yah! I wonder how much of it is real feelings and how much is acting. All I know is that Denise wasnt in a happy mood talking abt it and my heart goes out to her if she really feels something and yet has to be dictated into giving a decision that she doesnt want. (not that its happened coz i really dont know) A major contradiction of a reality show.
Dont know if its really linked but something we always talk about...how the public has the right to know...in this case..is the public really knowing whats real? or is it a story set in a closer to heart setting and more realistic setting? Its damn sad lah. hahahaha I also pity the guys..they're portrayed as love struck group of babe chasers when i doubt they are. I think alot of them would have a better sense.
Anyway.. I met up w one of my sistas this morning for breakfast and she was late by abt...45mins? somewhere there and if i hadnt called her house, she probably would have woken up later...she isnt the only one who does this to me...I think ive just come to a point where i get so pissed off....sigh...Regardless, convinced myself that it really wasnt her fault to blame....she had exams coming and she was burning the midnight oil. I expected that she'd do this to me because of all this. Plus, me knowing her, should have just slept in late and got her to call me when she wakes up. instead of just sitting at mac and waiting so long like a silly idiot. We talked abt everything...she called this the confession and catching up time. hahaha things we confess to each other...things we talked about....I treasure these times alot really. one thing she asked me which got me stumped...was whether Id get an indian bf again...im fine w all this now actually and as i thought of her qn...i really didnt have a straight answer to it. I admit that i do have a liking for indians now but it doesnt mean Ive rejected chinese altogether. I could only say that i wasnt sure...coz...the most impt thing was and is communication. I told her abt how my ex and I used to talk and how it felt like every conversation was....like going through soul searching and coming out cleaner and wiser... thats how it felt. And it was always abt anything n everything...and honestly, given a chance to find someone again, Id find someone who can make me feel that way again. Alot of pple ask me what Id want to find in a guy and that would be it. Id want someone whom i can talk with abt anything and even when we dont talk n just slack around, it'll still feel like a we did talk and a very meaningful conversation. Someone id love more than myself...yeah. So if the next one is an indian..so be it...if its chinese, then so be it. As for malay...not that im racist and dislike them altogether..but i know that if I ever do fall in love w a malay, all the converting stuff would never never work for me. Oh God, let it be a christian please. All i know..att he en dof this explanation..is that I would never wanna find one less than what i used to have. Call me selfish n stuff but after going through all that shit...I think at least let me have someone more or at least equal to my ex hahahaha yeah i know..we cant argue w God abt all this...He gives us what we should have in his time and through his desired way. I think slowly, Ive lost the intensity of the love I had for my ex. Which should be good rite? hahaha but sadly, its a pity to forget how to love someone..isnt it? Its a pity to forget how it feels like to be loved and to love someone until ur heart was going so fast ud fear itd either stop altogther..or jump out of ur body. Yeah...it is true..this kind of feeling. :) All i can hope is that if the next one comes, that id be able to love the person in a better way...learn from my mistakes...of course now i have a phobia for future mother-in-laws hahahahahahahahah BUT I dont see all this happening any time soon hahahaha At the end of the day, LOVe is still a mystical and unexplainable feeling. Its only when we feel it that we know. :) I hope to all of you that you find someone who will love you till their hearts are close to popping out. Someone who will see ur flaws but love u soooo much to often find them endearing instead of irritating. :) I wish everyone all the best in finding the love of their lives. They are out there..it just isnt time to meet yet.
LOVE
Dont know if its really linked but something we always talk about...how the public has the right to know...in this case..is the public really knowing whats real? or is it a story set in a closer to heart setting and more realistic setting? Its damn sad lah. hahahaha I also pity the guys..they're portrayed as love struck group of babe chasers when i doubt they are. I think alot of them would have a better sense.
Anyway.. I met up w one of my sistas this morning for breakfast and she was late by abt...45mins? somewhere there and if i hadnt called her house, she probably would have woken up later...she isnt the only one who does this to me...I think ive just come to a point where i get so pissed off....sigh...Regardless, convinced myself that it really wasnt her fault to blame....she had exams coming and she was burning the midnight oil. I expected that she'd do this to me because of all this. Plus, me knowing her, should have just slept in late and got her to call me when she wakes up. instead of just sitting at mac and waiting so long like a silly idiot. We talked abt everything...she called this the confession and catching up time. hahaha things we confess to each other...things we talked about....I treasure these times alot really. one thing she asked me which got me stumped...was whether Id get an indian bf again...im fine w all this now actually and as i thought of her qn...i really didnt have a straight answer to it. I admit that i do have a liking for indians now but it doesnt mean Ive rejected chinese altogether. I could only say that i wasnt sure...coz...the most impt thing was and is communication. I told her abt how my ex and I used to talk and how it felt like every conversation was....like going through soul searching and coming out cleaner and wiser... thats how it felt. And it was always abt anything n everything...and honestly, given a chance to find someone again, Id find someone who can make me feel that way again. Alot of pple ask me what Id want to find in a guy and that would be it. Id want someone whom i can talk with abt anything and even when we dont talk n just slack around, it'll still feel like a we did talk and a very meaningful conversation. Someone id love more than myself...yeah. So if the next one is an indian..so be it...if its chinese, then so be it. As for malay...not that im racist and dislike them altogether..but i know that if I ever do fall in love w a malay, all the converting stuff would never never work for me. Oh God, let it be a christian please. All i know..att he en dof this explanation..is that I would never wanna find one less than what i used to have. Call me selfish n stuff but after going through all that shit...I think at least let me have someone more or at least equal to my ex hahahaha yeah i know..we cant argue w God abt all this...He gives us what we should have in his time and through his desired way. I think slowly, Ive lost the intensity of the love I had for my ex. Which should be good rite? hahaha but sadly, its a pity to forget how to love someone..isnt it? Its a pity to forget how it feels like to be loved and to love someone until ur heart was going so fast ud fear itd either stop altogther..or jump out of ur body. Yeah...it is true..this kind of feeling. :) All i can hope is that if the next one comes, that id be able to love the person in a better way...learn from my mistakes...of course now i have a phobia for future mother-in-laws hahahahahahahahah BUT I dont see all this happening any time soon hahahaha At the end of the day, LOVe is still a mystical and unexplainable feeling. Its only when we feel it that we know. :) I hope to all of you that you find someone who will love you till their hearts are close to popping out. Someone who will see ur flaws but love u soooo much to often find them endearing instead of irritating. :) I wish everyone all the best in finding the love of their lives. They are out there..it just isnt time to meet yet.
LOVE
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