Getting there...

So I'm still recovering from the possible loss of a really good friend. Trying not to let my emotions affect our friendship because when it comes to situations like that, I tend to shy away from everyone esp that friend.

And knowing this friend of mine, he does try to find out how I am...but like me, he will give up after awhile.

And if that's so, I will lose a good friend and brother altogether...

Last I want, is to make things akward between us.

To my friend,

Dude, I gotta say that I do love you. And sometimes, more than I should let myself.

I'm sorry that I'm acting this way towards you and others.

I just need time to get my act together and I hope that out of all this, we would still stay as close friends. Because I do value your friendship very much. You are one of those who are still able to make me laugh whilst annoying me and I know that I need that in my life.

Love,

Ning

easier said than done

So this new start has been a challenge.

Im really honestly trying hard not to wreck a friendship... I really am..but my heart just likes to skip the friendship and go into "love"

I can't afford it and its really really really not possible in this case.

I really wish I could go back to a time where I didn't feel all this nonsense...because it wouldn't ruin my impression for someone whom I already hold very dear...

Of course it will leave me with the same problem..that I might never find someone in this life...

But at least I can face my friend and know that he is a good friend and be able to share moments with him that normal friends can...

What have I done...

I really dont want to lose this friend......

God Bless

New Beginning

I woke up today with a very different mind...
The trouble Ive had in my head for the past few weeks, have suddenly peeled off..like a blanket that I no longer feel the need to use.

After the conversation with an old friend yesterday, I realised just how ridiculous my thoughts and feelings have been...

the one whom I realised that I loved, can never love me back because he just doesn't.

He just doesn't...

And while my head and heart have been playing " Yes he does, no he doesn't"

Somehow, this morning, I woke up knowing very clearly and even feeling that...he doesn't.

In my world of dreams, this man doesn't exist anymore. I didn't wake up thinking about him and Im hoping to stay that way throughout the day...

Yes at times, it does feel like I had just broken up with someone hahahahaha but thats when I am at my weakest.

From this moment on, I really do need to give less Fucks about this person because I know that while we are still friends, he will NEVER be there to save me.

God Bless

Nothing like the beach

So recently I went with the kids to ECP. Whilst it was very fun for all of us, I still felt the need to be alone once in awhile. To face the beach...hear the waves..just be able to think...
Something about those waves makes it such much calming for me to think...
I wasn't upset..I wasn't pissed or angry, I just needed to have my own space to..emo..I guess?
All this confused feelings and mind vs heart thing that has been happening recently needed to be cleared.
I guess after that session at the beach, I knew what I had to do...
Much as I love the company of this person and much as this person really does make me laugh..and occasionally, he does show concern, I know that I can't let him in anymore than i have. Not until I've gotten over him... Maybe just like Pravin, I will still love him forever...but thats about it...
It took me such a long time to even call him a brother and to do anything more now, might be to lose him as a friend, and a brother..and I dont want to risk that...
This man/boy I respect too much and love too much to lose..

God Bless

finally did it...

Feel apologetic for my friends who have to deal with my moods. I am afterall, not as strong as I like to be. Its all an act...and I think too much..apparently.
At this moment, one of my really good friends (whom Ive unfortunately got feelings for) has been finally labelled as a brother...again.
Feelings work in strange ways, we start off being friends and "siblings", then some things done just start turning the table around. Before I know it, feelings changed and I'm left holding my own heart, keeping it steady.
I lost the carefreeness in this friendship...
So last night, after much thinking, I knew what I had to do..may seem abit self-deceiving..but saying it out has helped. Finally calling someone a brother again...
This is like putting the lid on a pot of feelings and never looking in to see if there is anything left or what kind they are.
Im sorry for my friends who got affected by my own infection...

God Bless