Letter to my grandparents...

Dear Gong Gong, Ma ma & mama:

I miss all 3 of you. I miss visiting you. I miss the hugs and I miss the past.

I also wished that I had been a better and more considerate grandchild. I wish that I had more vivid memories of all of you because with all 3 of you gone, a part of the family history is gone.

I realize that theres so little I know about our family and about the troubles that u guys had to go through. Eg: WW2, migrating here, losing a spouse, losing children, etc. Maybe it doesnt seem important to for me to know but I feel like I need to. to preserve my memory of your existence. Not that your life wasnt precious to start with...but I feel like I would love to tell people about you...of your life...yet I have so little to say....

In the current age, we all take things for granted...I regretted that...

I want so much to take the time this year to look through photos and recount memories of you. to finally put together the pieces of your lives in our lives. To hear the stories you told my aunties and uncles that never got passed down. To see the streonger younger side of you that got lost byt eh time I had enough sense to realize.

Especially to Gong gong, I love you. You're the coolest grandpa. I dont know about how u were in the past but if you were as well tempered and quiet and cool as now, I would have loved to have u as my father. you would have been a model father... I especially adored you not only because you were the only grandpa I knew...but because of your character. Your humour, your few words, your everything.
Since ma ma died, I felt the tenderness towards you because I became aware of how fragile you were as a person. how much u loved my grandma and how much you loved your children and us.

I was so happy for you and Ma ma when both of you carried your 1st great grandchild. The joy on your face brings tears to my eyes still. And when Ngoh Ye and Ma ma passed away, I cried not just for the loss...but also for your pain. How even more fragile you became since then.

Now that you've gone, I can only say Im happy for you and I know you wouldnt want me to be grieving...but I cant get over it right now... I know God will give me the strength and peace.

For Ma ma, I love you too. I love how you and Gong Gong did such a good job raising half a dozen children. And how both of you have kept the family so close knitted. Despite how the aunties and uncles still have disagreements at times. I can still hear your voice when you call me or when u answer the phone. You would be hte first person I see when I entire the front door. Yes I miss your hugs.

Mama, you have done soooo much as well...survived the abuse as a small wife, finally finding your happiness to eventually lose my grandpa and have to raise up half a dozen kids on your own. knowing christ, basically surviving alot of hardship. And at the last fwe decades of your life, suffering hte nonsense that your children sometimes treat you with. I hate my young self who didnt treasure you...I hate not being patient with you. I hate not knowing you well enough...I love you and I dont wanna forget what your voice sounds like or your wise words..or even your singing. You were such a chrisitan trooper. reading the bible and praying every day. singing praises as you did your chores or did your craft. I felt like I didnt know you well enough to absord your resilience. You are in a way my idol. Because of you, cantonese old songs and chinese opera have a meaning to me.

I want to work hard to make all 3 of you proud. I hope all 3 of you are in heaven because that way when its my turn...Id see all 3 of you there.

Once again, I love you.....