In the midst of washing my hair, a thought hit me..that much as I know its worth me being here in Sydney, I suddenly didn't know why and that the place that I actually wanted to be in was SG.
Don't get me wrong, there are people here whom I love and would miss...but the entire feel of the place...doesnt seem like it could be home. And while I do love my room and bed in Sydney, and even love my housemates, I could never term it as home either...and the funny thing is I don't know why.
What I do know however, is I miss the people I know in SG, I miss the me in SG, I miss the colour, culture, activities in SG. knowing fully well that yes there are boring days in SG City.
Yet still...I love SG more.
I knew from young that I would leave SG to stay in another country unless factors force me to...even now my stand is still there.
As I told my ex housemate/sister/penpal, Sonal, maybe its because Ive been in SG for 20+ years that its just a lot harder to fit into another countries mould. Maybe being a SGporean who grew up with so much difference in culture and religion and languages..makes certain countries pale in comparison...No offence..
Makes living here..abit bland...
I must also state now that Ive been very unfair to those i love whom I can't see all the time anymore. Its unfair for me to feel down and neglected just because u guys have your own lives to worry about and msges just take a backseat to that. Its unfair for me to feel like I deserve an immediate reply from you guys on watsapp or Kiks or Viber or any other form of communication. Im sorry.
Also to a close friend of mine, is unfair for me to demand so much off you when there is nothing between us anyway. yet I find myself getting irritated over the a mere unreplied msg..or even find myself getting happy over the chance to communicate with you that I go overboard. I must seem like a needy, dependent and obsessive person. I hate being that. It may seem bait drastic but Ive taken to the measure of communicating to everybody else but you..leaving u as the last resort...because there isn't a point. And while I admit this is true, its especially true in your case, I call you my brother because you can only be so. And I'm convincing myself on that fact all the time. Im not gonna burden u with my nonsense because the more i burden you, the guiltier i feel and the more i feel distant from you. which is ironic...
anyway, Im sorry...
have been doing abit of recording these few days. I conclude that my voice sucks. Im out of tune..my voice isn't strong...I sound like a guy coz my voice is so low... listening to my own recording literally made me cry. unhappy tears k. not happy overjoyed tears
while I'm slowly getting the hang of it, Im not getting over the fact that its not good. I know people have told me that I have a good voice..yet it just seems that I can't trust them until i hear from an expert... I know Im my worst critic...but one can't argue with pitch...And seeing as my voice isn't up to standard...
All this just makes me question myself. and also doesn't make me a happy camper...
As my brothers would advise 1) relax in a corner, clear my head and it what i feel like Ive lost, will appear 2) write everything down, sentence by sentence and it will appear.
What will appear, something Ive lost...something I don't know about..yet I know Ive lost it..
God Bless
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