such an empty room

I cant tell you everything because I dont know whatelse to say.

theres a part in my heart that i have not opened up for a long while and opening it now..almost feels scary..

if I take out everything in it, it will make me sad and scared at the same time.

But i know why I need to do it..but what i don't know is why you would be the one to make me do it.

And even that scares me...

You are and yet will never be the one I can ever have 

you would be like a present that I always wanted but am never allowed to have.

And the worst part about it..is that Im very certain this present was never meant for me

And the sad part is that I don't think i would ever make a suitable present for anyone.

I'm not wrapped in ribbons and pretty shiny things...

And maybe i feel that its because my content just isnt enough to warrant such pretty wrappers

Anyway this year, would be abit painful..like every other year without someone. Christmas has always had an underlying sadness to it..for me at least. I know that I say this because my focus is not on God. Technically it should be. I know by the end of Christmas, I will feel satisfied with the gatherings but left alone, I will feel and emptiness deep inside.

Funny how a room in my heart could feel so full of emotions, yet so empty; so full of memories yet so if i step in, it only feels full of echos... And how I could want to speak about it..yet I cant find the words to say anything..

I will recover..but at this moment, I need to convince myself that its nothing and that I dont care..otherwise Id always wish for a particular someone to pull me out.

I know there's a song in here somewhere...just need to take my pen out..