when december ends

maybe..just maybe by then, I would have a clearer picture of what direction I want to take... this year has been too messy for me...

I lost track of me, lost track of what makes me happy, lost track of who my friends should be, and who I should be focusing on... I lost it..

It really shouldn't be that bad but it is..and maybe by end of december, I would know what needs to be done..and pluck up the courage to put things right...

In that process, Im losing a friend again..in fact..maybe a few friends..

One of them i would cry over... but its almost like how i lost my ex... my innards were shifted around..and the dam of courage that pulled me through, would break and the flood will flow through..and hopefully after all that crying, Id be fine and ready to carry on...

God Bless

...

Here I am thinking that I dont care..or shouldn't care..and then I see a photo and i do... ahaha great!

Ive been asking myself this question for a long time... Why him...

And Ive lost track of why...

All I know is that emotions are steering me towards and not away...

I almost wanna just immerse myself with ideas that he's attached, just so I can finally put to rest these feelings. Coz they hurt...

Im (at this very moment) appalled by the human that I've become. obsessive...jealous... emotional...
To think that such a person would make me feel all this...
Sorta makes me hate myself for being so weak....

I just wanna tell him "go. go away... dnt come back.. lets just not be friends anymore" Coz its really just a lot easier... Yet none of this is his fault...its me...

Every time I get to this stage..I feel the need to cry... like once again Ive lost a brother, a good friend... and it hurts..

Time will come when I have to do that...

God Bless

Really need to not care

Scorpio and Friendship:

Relationships with Scorpio are always complicated, just like the person, their relationships are a series of extremes, they can even be downright moody for no apparent reason. Scorpios are known for their possessiveness and jealousy but on the other hand, they are extremely loyal. Scorpios have an excellent memory and combined with an inability to let things go, they can hold a grudge against someone who did them harm forever, in fact a Scorpio rarely if never forgives and forgets. They will even go as far as get vengeance on the person. On the other hand, they will always remember a kind gesture forever and repay it. Any kind selfless gesture done to a Scorpio will gain trust and respect which is extremely important to them in any relationship, either romantic or not. The best advice is to be honest with a Scorpio friend and in return, you will gain an amazing friend you will never forget and who will be loyal to you and never make false promises. Their truthful and shocking sense of humor if different than that of any other zodiac sign and the Scorpio makes an amazing, powerful interesting friend that can be trusted.
excerpt from http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/scorpio.htm

I guess the scorpio in me is really hard to deal with..and maybe that in itself has made me very awkward in front of those I like.

I really need to not care anymore. Not care about what and who interests him.Because afterall, he is just a brother right.
I obviously have no say at all.

I guess, with the times that I've told him to go find someone, that I should be happy that he does take a liking to someone. I should be happy. I should be overjoyed...

Need to find myself again..need to focus on what makes me happy again... Even if it means giving up on someone whom I treasure alot.

God Bless

need to watch my own emotions

been in a cast recently... fell whilst rollerblading and landed n my wrist. suspected fracture from the xray.

because of this silly thing...It got me thinking the same silly thing.

since the night that I fell, the 2 people closest to me whom id hoped would ask how im doing, didnt ask abt me at all... one of them affected me more than the other...

of course in the process of this, it made me question just how close they are to me..or how much i depend on them emotionally... obviously in this case, i depend on 1 more than the other.. and this difference shudnt be present if i regarded them both as brothers...

So its a double frustration knowing that whilst im abit annoyed by how the later's lack of response affects me more... that i shudnt have that difference and yet I cant control it... I cant control these feelings.... and it frustrates me sooo much to be annoyed at this person and yet not have a valid reason to be except fr my own silly emotions...

I dont want to love a person who doesnt know how to love... who speaks to me only on occassions where he needs help.. then there is no love involved... sigh

so as usual i go back to being cold for a week..to heal myself... because im just a silly thing altogether...

Just be satisfied with what i have now

I apologized...its as if all I needed was to apologize and admit that those demons that plagued me. were real... It was mostly the fear that Id lose you and everything I valued between us...

At numerous points in time, we were close enough for me to feel happy and blessed to have you..but when I realized just how shortlived they were and how quickly they could potentially mean lesser to you, I stepped back, I withdrew my hand and I kept to my corner and cried abit.

But after finally chatting and apologizing and admitting, its as if a huge boulder was lifted off my shoulders and the next we met, everything was almost back to normal.

I dont think u'd ever read this because I dont think you'd ever bother but if you ever do, and if you do come across this post, (and realize that its addressed to you) Then know that if I ever withdrew my hands, its not because I suddenly didnt care. Its because I cared too much and I thought too much...

One day I will lose you...to an amazing girl whom you will adore and love. whilst I know that I will always stay the sister...I dont exactly think that i will ever be ready to do so until that time comes..and I will cry because it will be sad but I will be equally happy for you.

Im trying not to shy away again. not after getting to a point where I can be my silly self around you. And I apologize for my irrational and erratic emotions.

Aside from my casual, grinned "I love you too" you have no idea how much that phrase actually means and I dont blame you. I could never bring myself to say it properly anyway and you could never bring yourself to say it too. afterall, "I care for you" is different from " I love you".

Anyway... Im happy where we are now. I'm happy that there is a childlike bond between us. That at some point, you could put your head on my shoulders and I could do the same... Im happy with that.