I apologized...its as if all I needed was to apologize and admit that those demons that plagued me. were real... It was mostly the fear that Id lose you and everything I valued between us...
At numerous points in time, we were close enough for me to feel happy and blessed to have you..but when I realized just how shortlived they were and how quickly they could potentially mean lesser to you, I stepped back, I withdrew my hand and I kept to my corner and cried abit.
But after finally chatting and apologizing and admitting, its as if a huge boulder was lifted off my shoulders and the next we met, everything was almost back to normal.
I dont think u'd ever read this because I dont think you'd ever bother but if you ever do, and if you do come across this post, (and realize that its addressed to you) Then know that if I ever withdrew my hands, its not because I suddenly didnt care. Its because I cared too much and I thought too much...
One day I will lose you...to an amazing girl whom you will adore and love. whilst I know that I will always stay the sister...I dont exactly think that i will ever be ready to do so until that time comes..and I will cry because it will be sad but I will be equally happy for you.
Im trying not to shy away again. not after getting to a point where I can be my silly self around you. And I apologize for my irrational and erratic emotions.
Aside from my casual, grinned "I love you too" you have no idea how much that phrase actually means and I dont blame you. I could never bring myself to say it properly anyway and you could never bring yourself to say it too. afterall, "I care for you" is different from " I love you".
Anyway... Im happy where we are now. I'm happy that there is a childlike bond between us. That at some point, you could put your head on my shoulders and I could do the same... Im happy with that.
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