Time to get myself back again...

Ive been saying this for the past few months and I still have not figured it out...

Like the last time, it took me years to get back on my feet... this time..Im not sure anymore... but what i know is that for me to keep my sanity and focus, I have to let go and continue to build myself...

I can't keep thinking of him anymore...

I guess the best part about this entire experience is that we talk more now...we know how each other feels now... we are surprisingly still close and I dont know if I should love it that way...
I guess one day we will know but I can't bring myself to hold hopes..because from experiences, it only makes me sink back into the problem..

So all i can do, is go back to being myself... the best of me...

Was thinking abut it yesterday...about who I am... still haven't found an accurate description...

Who exactly am I?

Im not exceptionally kind or smart or funny...I dont have a lot of heart. The same evilness in an average human, is the same in me. Im not exceptionally focused, Im a scatterbrain...I like a lot of things but Im not skilled in any.... I'm average...

Then i realised what I needed to do... its not finding who I am..but who I can be... so who can I be and what do i need to get there?

I want to be....
- good enough to emcee and external dinner and dance well
- able to play the guitar/ukulele and sing
- be able to do sound, lighting and stage manage
- get fitter... swim/cycle/rollerblade more...

maybe 1 day i will be able to do up my own videos/covers.. maybe..

God Bless

I miss you

This is to the one who might not have appeared into my life. Honestly I dont know but I guess Ive been abit burnt recently that Im not sure what to think anymore...

This morning made me very tiring... I might have misread the tone of certain msges that made me abit more upset than I needed to be. That of course is a lesson learnt..that messages are never a clear indication of the emotoins that someone is feeling. whatever it was, I was (at that moment) worried that I have pissed off one of my closest friends...

Whilst all this was happening...I was thinking, " I have no energy now to decipher just how a person feels..." and " If Im gonna suck that much at not being a problem...that maybe I shouldnt even be allowed to start anything"

I remember feeling very small and lousy from upseting people that I was ready to throw in the towel... Especially for this person... Some friends are too valuable too have that u dnt feel worthy of having them... this was one.

Anyway I'm now in a stressed state... I know I shudnt be so stressed...but my lack confidence has dropped down to ground zero... and I need someone here...

Not just anyone..the one...
Pity i dont really know who it is and the one in my head and heart now..might not actually be the one I can call now... So The One might still be out there...
BUT whoever it is....I really need the person now...feeling abit too weak now. Just need to call The One and talk to him, hear his voice... That might be all I need to recharge...

Babe..come soon...

slow recovery

So he's been in china..and that's a good time for me to recover..I'm not sure how things will be the next we meet. I don't know if we will still greet each other with hugs, whether we won't change in mannerisms at all..or whether I've lost that closeness for good..
We used to give each other hugs, tease each other, console each other, talk abt our issues with family and friends, talk about music and students... at our silliest, it would involve tickles, pinches etc
But i don't know if all that will continue to exist.
The only reassurance I have is that our friendship matters to each other. And I'm hoping that that wouldn't change no matter what.
I don't know if I am the closest friend that he has... but i know that in certain ways, he's the one I want to speak to the most.
Its silly that at this moment, I do miss him... I miss his silliness as well as seriousness...
But of course, I cant say all this to his face... shitscared of being an emotional fool again. Just like the last relationship...

I really do miss this one... sigh.. pity the time just isnt right..and one can never catch butterflies by force.

God Bless

recovery

some days its easier.. some days I get reminded and its back to square one.

Today was alot better... I have not cried..

But whilst talking to my students abt their problems, and me being touched by how sweet this student of mine is, I was close to tearing..

It made me think of my song...and made me think of his song...

And i realized just how appropriate my song was to him..and his song to me...

I think the reason why i still cry..is because I miss him and because i know that I have to totally get away from him...and that we could have been something..maybe... something happy...

And this all still reminds me of Pravin and I....how much I had to go through to get out of that hell hole. Ive been asking myself alot recently..of whether I would be willing to disregard religion and race.... whether I was willing to give it a try anyway.... and my answer now..is yes I am...

Not because I believe that we can overcome that...but because I know where I'm happy... and I know that no matter how things may work next time, I wouldnt regret the time we had or might have...

But its too late now I guess... coz the answer I got was a No...


TO you,

I wish u all the happiness that I cant provide. Im sorry i caused u so much pain and dissappointment. Trust me that I know how you feel. Its not gonna be easy but I will still fulfill my role as a friend and back you up whenever you need it. All you need to do is tell me. And please..tell me.

I said that this friendship matters to me and it does. While i cant see u as a sibling and neither can you, You are still my family. you're more than a friend and Always will be... No matter what..I do still love you..and I cant seem to change that no matter what Ive done to get you out of my head.

This is gonna be a tough time for me. And whilst I would hope to have you with me, I need to work this out on my own. Because I have to stop being emotionally affected by you. Not when you arent gonna be mine.

I keep hoping that you'd call me and tell me that you've changed your mind..but Im silly... too silly...
And Im sorry that Im that silly... that I cant just let things be... because they race around my head...
Especially when within the last year, we've just gotten alot closer... and that wall that Id built..is now fully down thanks to you.. I always wonder what your behaviour means in all this.. that and your words..confuse me... and now Im building my wall back up again...

Thats why all the more, I have to move away... if this is all not meant to be..then I have to move away...

Thats the end...

The last 2 days have probably been the most emotional days I've had in a long time...
aside from the random monthly breakdowns..this might top it all off... I am in tears... :/

But like I've always said, tears are fine. it's how you carry on right?... I'm gonna take awhile to carry on from this...

To put it short,

the one person whom Id grown to love and probably have loved for the past 6odd years or more...finally revealed that he used to have feelings for me. But also revealed that I had indirectly rejected him twice... And so its too late...

the difference in our religion has always been an issue for me... and just when i decided that I might actually consider...

the decision made was that we have to move on...

It all seems really simple... but it isnt...coz my heart that ive tried so hard to protect for the past 6 years..that would occassionally be beaten up..is now quite definitly in a mess. I foolishly let it out for the short 24hours...and Im in tears...again... Albeit not as bad as the first one...but these tears threatened to fall so many times today...And Ive almost used up all my strength to prevent that from happening..

I cant tell which is worse...him not telling me and me not knowing at all..or me knowing, realizing that we might have had a chance and realizing that it was all too late...

I feel like a fool...again..

there arent enough words to describe how precious this person is to me...so I know eventually I have to bite the bullet and bring myself back up...but I almost feel that it will require me to stay away from him.... i need to stay away... to recover, I have to stay away...

Just when I found a close friend in him...just when everything seemed right... just when I felt like I could have him around when Im at my lowest... my entire security and comfort comes crashing down again and I'm tired of this game... and Im laying my bricks again...

Im a fool.... a romantic fool..a love struck, wounded and scared for life..fool to the weapons of love.

So this is probably the definite end of a love in my life.... the little silly thoughts that ran in my head and my heart...will probably continue running until the time I finally get over all of this...

I promised him that I will have his back where music is concerned... and I will try to continue to do that... as much as I can...

Im trying not to think of the times I felt happy with him because if I did...I would be beating my heart up again...

So just as how I had tried to convinve myself that it wouldnt work, I have to now convince myself that I will be fine... I will get back up on my own feet...I will let music be the thing I can focus on..I will TRY not to think about it...and I will find another person to have and hold...

This Japanese drama has officially ended...