Thats the end...

The last 2 days have probably been the most emotional days I've had in a long time...
aside from the random monthly breakdowns..this might top it all off... I am in tears... :/

But like I've always said, tears are fine. it's how you carry on right?... I'm gonna take awhile to carry on from this...

To put it short,

the one person whom Id grown to love and probably have loved for the past 6odd years or more...finally revealed that he used to have feelings for me. But also revealed that I had indirectly rejected him twice... And so its too late...

the difference in our religion has always been an issue for me... and just when i decided that I might actually consider...

the decision made was that we have to move on...

It all seems really simple... but it isnt...coz my heart that ive tried so hard to protect for the past 6 years..that would occassionally be beaten up..is now quite definitly in a mess. I foolishly let it out for the short 24hours...and Im in tears...again... Albeit not as bad as the first one...but these tears threatened to fall so many times today...And Ive almost used up all my strength to prevent that from happening..

I cant tell which is worse...him not telling me and me not knowing at all..or me knowing, realizing that we might have had a chance and realizing that it was all too late...

I feel like a fool...again..

there arent enough words to describe how precious this person is to me...so I know eventually I have to bite the bullet and bring myself back up...but I almost feel that it will require me to stay away from him.... i need to stay away... to recover, I have to stay away...

Just when I found a close friend in him...just when everything seemed right... just when I felt like I could have him around when Im at my lowest... my entire security and comfort comes crashing down again and I'm tired of this game... and Im laying my bricks again...

Im a fool.... a romantic fool..a love struck, wounded and scared for life..fool to the weapons of love.

So this is probably the definite end of a love in my life.... the little silly thoughts that ran in my head and my heart...will probably continue running until the time I finally get over all of this...

I promised him that I will have his back where music is concerned... and I will try to continue to do that... as much as I can...

Im trying not to think of the times I felt happy with him because if I did...I would be beating my heart up again...

So just as how I had tried to convinve myself that it wouldnt work, I have to now convince myself that I will be fine... I will get back up on my own feet...I will let music be the thing I can focus on..I will TRY not to think about it...and I will find another person to have and hold...

This Japanese drama has officially ended...