dreams dont all come true

I dont know what to react when u tell me that you dreamt of me...
Should I be shocked? disgusted? pleasantly surprised? overjoyed?
Should I even believe in this dream that you speak of?
I spent the last 2 weeks, getting myself back to normal and with this single mention of a dream, you managed to rock my resolve...

But I dont know what you want of me... I dont know what you telling me would achieve...

Did this little dream affect our relationship? Should i now be cautious that the tables have turned? Are you telling me this to test out if something like that might become reality?

Of course I don't expect feelings to change from a mere dream... humans are more stubborn than that.
Ive fought this feeling for years. Ive had my fair share of dreams of reconciling w my ex or seeing my grandma come back to life...but none of that happened or would ever happen.
So why this?

It's a phase..just like my feelings are a phase too.

in due time, the nervousness will stop, the slight euphoric sensation when you are right next to me, will stop, I would stop looking at your face and force back a smile...

In due time, even this little dream will be forgotten...

not yet

Its been about 2 weeks..I'm sorta glad that I've made it this far.
But the more I communicate with him now, the more distant I feel..feels like I've lost someone dear...
Feels like I'm slowly closing the door...
A bit of me feels abit sad... I actually stop myself from thinking of the times that we were pretty close, because it gets me caught in a web of confusion.
That and I cant respond to him in the way I do with other brothers...so I feel the need to step back and adapt to not seeing him often...in this case, distance will cure a cracking heart. I hope.
I want to get to the point of seeing him and interpreting his actions as that of a brother...instead of thinking that maybe he might like me back.
I want to get to the point where I'm fine not seeing him or catching up with him often because its how it is with my other brothers...

But I cant do it now... I cant love him as a brother yet...

stepping back

Last week was like a slow withdrawal for me. withdrawing my presence in alot of things like hte band and some of the club activities. Not because I want to, but because i have to.

I realize that with the clubs that I've been the most involved in, there was a lack of discipline and my students were becoming too much like me.

I felt that I was getting more and more upset with them and dissappointed with their not meeting my expectations. So i decided not to input so much anymore... time to hold my tongue.

The guy whom I have loved for the longest time... somehow Ive been able to stem the emotions for now. Its been 2 weeks and that's pretty miraculous. So Im gonna keep at it and see how far I can get away. This guys is hard to love because I dont know if He can love...
And because of that, I cant love him...

Oh well....if I cant find anyone, at least I know I have amazing friends who love me...

Im getting over this..

So for the whole of the past week, I was somehow able to not think about the guy. It's a milestone..
Meeting him recently and realizing that I actually dnt mind not talking or striking up a conversation whilst with him and that Im okay with thinking of my own things whilst with him... it maybe means that once again, Im on the road to recovery..

I've stopped thinking about the things that he did for me and just focused on how despite all this, he still loves himself more than he will ever love me. And if I keep telling myself that, then I will slowly be able to climb out of this ditch.

At least I dont feel the need to call him all the time now. At least I dont feel the need to poke and nudge.

Having spoken to him about his lack of interaction as a friend, it made me realize how Im really tired of being that friend that just keeps asking for company and asking for help...

So now Im left with no one again..not that I ever had one to start with...but...somehow this became a fake relationship I guess..one of those inflatable and deflatable ones that we use for our own convenience. One of those almost "cuddle buddies" on a rainy days...the gap filler...
EVen though maybe for me...the gaps were more and the result of filling those..was that it would be emotionally draining.

I cried to sleep

sounds really weak but last night, I felt the need to. Dont worry Im fine now. Crying is just a way to relief the tension in me.
I cried because for that 15mins that tears ran down, I felt something in my being wrenched out..hope I guess..or love..
It felt abit like when I first lost someone..although I always belief that Ive seen the deepest and this is not as deep. So i can deal with this...
This morning, puffy eyed and all..we still carry on with work.

I feel alot better. I feel like my emotions are more in check and the one whom Id ripped out my hopes for, is cast aside. I dont feel the same longing as before. I cant say the same if he was in front of me today but to live this day without the need to speak to him, is a day won for me. And if I cant keep going this way for the next few days, then slowly I will learn not to emotionally depend on him. I would have myself back.

Ning was always alot stronger than all this. Even if once in awhile, she does like to step into ditches..

God Bless