emm depression

You know how you are mostyl with pple younger than you and you;re so used to being the big sister. You feel that you ahev to be strong for them all the time and the provider of wisdom etc...

Then when something in you breaks loss and you're self defence breaks down like 1 of the 12 apostles in Australia...you feel like you cantturn to them because you dont want them to see you as anythign else less than the big sister?

Or that you've always been the smallest and others treat you like you dont really know much and you're just being silly that you dont feel like you could confide int hem when you have problems coz they'd only (once again) deem you as silly?

Yah today felt like it...

I snapped when just one careless and insensitive comment flew at me...a comment that has always been used but for the 1st time in a long while, I took it to heart and I felt so unjustified...
Then it started playing games w my head and instead of feeling unjustified, I actually felt like I cud have been as useless as the comment implies...something that if I dont carefully psycho myself out of...would result in a session in the toilet with a mountain high of tear drenched tissues and red eyes.
Guess wat...it did happen.
So ont he way home...I felt the idea of furthur studying was tempting...so tempting...something Id fancy doing to force myself into independence.

I threw the idea at my sister and the wordsd she used, "if you're onyl doing this to run away..its a waste of money" amongst other words.....
Come to think of it (here i go thinking again) I might just have wanted to run away.....
Running away witht he legal right to come home.

As I stayed in the toilet for awhile....all sorts of comments, self depreciating comments flew into my mind...but 1 thing I really needed at that time...was God to say something. Anything really...just something. If there was any other time for God to say my name...it was NOW.

Not that I dont believe Him. Its precisely because I believe Him that I wanted to hear Him...

Alas...the resounding voice of God didnt come....instead a calm "it" inside of me reasoned w my emotional side. Maybe its God working his words in me to comfort me...maybe He chose to speak to me in that way instead of the resounding "Ning"

Im still sad...but Im more tired than anything....

Alot of times..I feel like everybody else is living the lives they want when its not true...we all have our downs..it really depends on how down we let ourselves go. Do we immediately fight the tides to go back to mainland or do we ride the tide and watch as we twirl into the centre of the whirlpool..into whats below? The further we go in, the more strength it takes to get out.

God Bless