slow slow slow

Im so thankful that we still talk...Im thankful that u msged me and that we talked like we were close friends. Im thankful that u didnt give up on this friendship...
Honestly, I havnt given up..coz my heart hasnt died...
Our conversation peppered with affection that we shared, made for a sweet pseudo reconciliation. Im adamant about not having any expectations..just grabbing any chance to learn more abt you now...learn ur love language...

Im stubborn and so are my emotions... :/

I still miss u every day..I still think abt u every day... its true.

U make urself hard to forget... u make me want to pinch, bite and kick you for being so annoying... you make me cry and smile and love...

I never want to lose you...

We didn't end up together and I think eventually I will be fine with that... but thats not my biggest fear for us. My biggest fear is losing u entirely...

I'm the worst person to show my emotions, I dont have words to offer unless u ask and thank God u have. I thank God you have been the one who speaks to me..because if u didn't, I might not have cracked.

It doesn't matter as much to me that we dont work out..as long as we stay friends... I made a promise that I would always be there for you, as well as I can... Im not perfect to do that properly...but I will do my best.

The day I really do cry my eyes out...is when I lose you as a friend as well.... I dont want to lose you....

God Bless

healing God..give me healing

Sucks to be stuck at home with a swollen ankle..and a broken heart..

Cant recall the number of times I teared...

Cal reminded me about my reply to getting into this situation int eh first place...I told her that Id rather feel the love than not feel it at all... Id rather get the chance to love him than not love at all.

Which I did...I had that chance to play with his hair, give him kisses, hug him as tightly as I could, put my head on his shoulders...it was intoxicating... its a pity that it lasted only for awhile...but it was good while it lasted... does this mean that Im not over him? No... But i found a bright side...

I still dnt know how I will face him when the band meets...but I guess i will just have to figure it out.
Will I hug him? I hope so...

God I need your guidance and healing please.. this situation is just too painful for me....

stuck for now

New year firsts

might have broken my foot...spent the entire day at home coz i can't move..and IM stuck with words i can't say because the person I love is no longer by my side...

I feel miserable..I feel like this is a wasted day and I cant bring myself to feel better. And all I need is for him to message and say " let me in again" how selfish of me...but the truth is, I wanna say " let ME in again...I beg you" but my pride is so terrible...

I know such a heartache isn't worth dying over but I feel empty... so empty...like my heart isn't working anymore and I have no more songs left to sing..I have no more voice to sing now... I dnt feel the urge to sing anymore...

I feel so much gnawing pain not just on my foot, but in my heart....

I can't sing the songs we did anymore... they make it very painful for me..

Babe I miss you... I really do.... I can't imagine getting over this and still being sane...my fears have been heightened and every minute, one more brick gets laid for the new fortress and this time, it will be doubly thick.

Im holding my breathe for something that will never come!

I will never get to hold his hand, i will never get to feel his hugs, I will never get to play w his hair, I i will never get to watch him work or play with pride, knowing that he's mine..I will never get to feel all that....

I feel like bit of me is dead....

God Bless

Writing it all here...

The last time I plagued an ex of all my feelings and explanations, I felt lesser than myself after every email, after every of his emails..and maybe then I swore to myself that I would never wanna be such a big idiot.
But there needs to be an avenue for explanations or expression, so I'm gonna put it here...knowing that It is visible, yet in a sad way, Im almost glad that he doesn't read this blog at all....

Im heartbroken... disappointed. I want to say everything that I didn't have the courage to say before...but Im also wondering..wats the point... Maybe my fears have inhibited my motivation to say what I want to say...because I dont know if he's willing to listen. yet if I dont..I will always end up kicking my ass...

Now every time I think back of everything he's done for me that I never showed thanks for, I tear...
Truly whilst I know that I appreciated him for all that, i never showed enough of that thanks... and so to anyone who isn't me..I took him for granted.
I cry now because I feel like I can't say anything to him anymore..I have no right to...and I never had the right to...
All my insecurities that I was fighting against...I indirectly helped to fulfil....and now I question my own ability to love anyone at all...

My greatest fear....is me losing a friend who cares...I feel like this friend, this potential, this love..has been downgraded again..to acquaintance...and I can't imagine either of us having the energy to try and break the fortress wall that Ive once again put up... And all i see myself doing now..is walk away shamefully from something I had messed up...

Maybe from an outsiders eye, this seems natural..we just didn't fit... its the way of life...really? for a person I have had feelings for and tried so hard to suppress for 6years? the same person whom when i anticipate the arrival, my stomach does 360s? the same one who's slightest touch would send shivers down my spine?

Anyway the question he posed that really broke me was whether my love for him was really love for him or love for the love he gave me.
I wanted to break out in a loud resounding " of course I loved u for you" but he said "if u really loved someone, you;d find out every single thing about them" Did I? no I didn't...
My heart sank...and instantly I felt like all I believed was fake. And i gave in... if thats what u think about my love..then its best we parted anyway...
But I couldn't stop myself from thinking abut that question... I recounted every single moment from the years I first knew him till now...questioning whether each one was love for him or love for his love...whether every act of love was for him or for his love and i realised just how grey and overlapped these 2 categories are. I loved him but how do I only love him for him when part of him is the way he loved me. Do i love his messages? do I love him for his kisses? no I loved him for his patience, his want to make me laugh, his willingness to accommodate..
but even that is part of the way he loves no?
I love him for his street style, love him for his professionalism and maybe craziness at work, his dedication to his family, his dedication to music.... I liked him or loved him before the confession and so many times I thought of getting away from him because i was falling too deep...
before he loved me his way...

the other question act me not appreciating him enough..maybe..
i tried what i could within my obsessive fear of not being an annoyance to him during work...
I waited for him to be free to reply... that might have been my mistake.
I walked over when i could to ACJC, i went to his events and waited or tried to help, despite feeling very extra...
I looked forward to his messages, his emoticons etc

But I could never see his ways of love as that of real love...because I didn't know where we were in the grand scheme of things..I was too silly for all that...

So here I am barely keeping myself together because of my own inability and stupidity... thinking abut whether anyone out there would ever save me from myself... and whether Id ever do justice to the person for his love. And if I can't, then Im almost certain that I dont want to feel love again..

Thank you Bear

Thank you for the morning messages
Thank you for the silly emoticons that u put up to make me smile
Thank you for the music
Thank you for the motivation and prep talk
Thank you for never giving up
Thank you for the hugs and smiles
Thank you for whatever time we had
Thank you for whatever time u managed to squeeze out for me
Thank you for the gifts
Thank you for the safety
Thank you for sticking around
Thank you for being so patient
Thank you for being so considerate
Thank you for loving someone as ridiculous as me
Thank you for making me feel bit more than what I see in myself
Thank you for being the friend
Thank you for the love...

Im sorry for not having all the same things for you.....
Im sorry for maybe not loving you but loving the love you give me.

I can't say all this to u....coz Im still too scared...

A new beginning beckons a new ending, leads to a new beginning

We called it the end today. After not being able to sleep the entire night... The honest chat we had the night before, led to the end. Maybe it was inevitable..
Maybe we would never meet each other's expectations..maybe I was just too shit scared to show any forthcoming feelings..the n stepping back into my cave as long as I say dark clouds.. maybe it was all my fault. wanting yet not daring to step out... Im am the fox that got tamed in a way...then realising that The Little Prince had to leave... At this moment... Im still dealing with the loss.

It hurts...

Basically all the songs that we did for the band, is a trigger song... and thats 40songs.. :/

I guess I need to thank God that I have Open House to take my mind off things. I'm sure thats why so many people become workaholics.  I understand it now...

Thank you for the memories. Im sorry I didn't meet up to your expectations. Im sorry my expectations weren't realistic enough for you to meet. I was always a tall order...

I hope you find someone who would be that person to break through your workaholic tendencies of yours. I hope that same person would help u quit smoking and would be welcomed into your family with open arms.

As for me...once again I question my capabilities as a person who can love or deserves to love... maybe Im waiting for the next one to come in and break that same fortress that I now have to rebuild... extra fortified now...

I can't help thinking that Im sorry but what can I do when sorry doesn't work anymore?

I can't cry now because I have events happening. but i can't help thinking that I wish u would take me back...but I dont want to hurt you anymore than I have...thats why I agreed to step back.

And maybe ur right... maybe all my life Ive waited for someone to love me and not to love someone.
Although I can't always justify which is which... not to you..not to myself...

So what can I say now but I hope you live happily from now on. Love you Bear.

Silly Ning, Strong Ning

Spent the first few days of 2017 in deep thought. Right before it ended, I was in a situation that I knew would affect my 2017 greatly.

Ive been sooo silly last year. Letting my emotions take me on a fieldtrip to hell and back. I made terrible decisions and missed good opportunities... I let my fears pull me down and let my foolishness rule my days... I got off the track and couldnt get myself on for a long time. no matter how others tried to help. No I wasnt suicidal..but I was abit more depressed than before. I wrote entry after entry of depression in my journal..repeated words for the same situation, entry after entry like groundhog day... I gave up on many things to mull over something too silly...

This year I want to be in a better control of my emotions, my future, my skills, my health...

last year's turmultuous emotions have made it feel like a roller coaster ride that Im not sure if Im out of yet. Or just maybe, I've subconsciously hopped onto another scarier rollercoaster ride that hasnt even taken off yet....

This year I want to sort out many things.... both tangible and intangible. And Im not sure if I will be able to last through the year.

This year's resolution:
- be more independent
- be more emotionally stable and level headed
- be more physically active
- continue with the band and be a better, more independent band member
- write my songs, play my guitar, play my ukulele, learn abit more of the keyboard
- improve on my singing
- finally find someone... Im not holding my breathe for this one. Im not even gonna actively find one.
I just know that God will provide one if its his will to grant me one. And this person will break through any form of defence that I have.

God Bless