Writing it all here...

The last time I plagued an ex of all my feelings and explanations, I felt lesser than myself after every email, after every of his emails..and maybe then I swore to myself that I would never wanna be such a big idiot.
But there needs to be an avenue for explanations or expression, so I'm gonna put it here...knowing that It is visible, yet in a sad way, Im almost glad that he doesn't read this blog at all....

Im heartbroken... disappointed. I want to say everything that I didn't have the courage to say before...but Im also wondering..wats the point... Maybe my fears have inhibited my motivation to say what I want to say...because I dont know if he's willing to listen. yet if I dont..I will always end up kicking my ass...

Now every time I think back of everything he's done for me that I never showed thanks for, I tear...
Truly whilst I know that I appreciated him for all that, i never showed enough of that thanks... and so to anyone who isn't me..I took him for granted.
I cry now because I feel like I can't say anything to him anymore..I have no right to...and I never had the right to...
All my insecurities that I was fighting against...I indirectly helped to fulfil....and now I question my own ability to love anyone at all...

My greatest fear....is me losing a friend who cares...I feel like this friend, this potential, this love..has been downgraded again..to acquaintance...and I can't imagine either of us having the energy to try and break the fortress wall that Ive once again put up... And all i see myself doing now..is walk away shamefully from something I had messed up...

Maybe from an outsiders eye, this seems natural..we just didn't fit... its the way of life...really? for a person I have had feelings for and tried so hard to suppress for 6years? the same person whom when i anticipate the arrival, my stomach does 360s? the same one who's slightest touch would send shivers down my spine?

Anyway the question he posed that really broke me was whether my love for him was really love for him or love for the love he gave me.
I wanted to break out in a loud resounding " of course I loved u for you" but he said "if u really loved someone, you;d find out every single thing about them" Did I? no I didn't...
My heart sank...and instantly I felt like all I believed was fake. And i gave in... if thats what u think about my love..then its best we parted anyway...
But I couldn't stop myself from thinking abut that question... I recounted every single moment from the years I first knew him till now...questioning whether each one was love for him or love for his love...whether every act of love was for him or for his love and i realised just how grey and overlapped these 2 categories are. I loved him but how do I only love him for him when part of him is the way he loved me. Do i love his messages? do I love him for his kisses? no I loved him for his patience, his want to make me laugh, his willingness to accommodate..
but even that is part of the way he loves no?
I love him for his street style, love him for his professionalism and maybe craziness at work, his dedication to his family, his dedication to music.... I liked him or loved him before the confession and so many times I thought of getting away from him because i was falling too deep...
before he loved me his way...

the other question act me not appreciating him enough..maybe..
i tried what i could within my obsessive fear of not being an annoyance to him during work...
I waited for him to be free to reply... that might have been my mistake.
I walked over when i could to ACJC, i went to his events and waited or tried to help, despite feeling very extra...
I looked forward to his messages, his emoticons etc

But I could never see his ways of love as that of real love...because I didn't know where we were in the grand scheme of things..I was too silly for all that...

So here I am barely keeping myself together because of my own inability and stupidity... thinking abut whether anyone out there would ever save me from myself... and whether Id ever do justice to the person for his love. And if I can't, then Im almost certain that I dont want to feel love again..