Im getting over this..

So for the whole of the past week, I was somehow able to not think about the guy. It's a milestone..
Meeting him recently and realizing that I actually dnt mind not talking or striking up a conversation whilst with him and that Im okay with thinking of my own things whilst with him... it maybe means that once again, Im on the road to recovery..

I've stopped thinking about the things that he did for me and just focused on how despite all this, he still loves himself more than he will ever love me. And if I keep telling myself that, then I will slowly be able to climb out of this ditch.

At least I dont feel the need to call him all the time now. At least I dont feel the need to poke and nudge.

Having spoken to him about his lack of interaction as a friend, it made me realize how Im really tired of being that friend that just keeps asking for company and asking for help...

So now Im left with no one again..not that I ever had one to start with...but...somehow this became a fake relationship I guess..one of those inflatable and deflatable ones that we use for our own convenience. One of those almost "cuddle buddies" on a rainy days...the gap filler...
EVen though maybe for me...the gaps were more and the result of filling those..was that it would be emotionally draining.

I cried to sleep

sounds really weak but last night, I felt the need to. Dont worry Im fine now. Crying is just a way to relief the tension in me.
I cried because for that 15mins that tears ran down, I felt something in my being wrenched out..hope I guess..or love..
It felt abit like when I first lost someone..although I always belief that Ive seen the deepest and this is not as deep. So i can deal with this...
This morning, puffy eyed and all..we still carry on with work.

I feel alot better. I feel like my emotions are more in check and the one whom Id ripped out my hopes for, is cast aside. I dont feel the same longing as before. I cant say the same if he was in front of me today but to live this day without the need to speak to him, is a day won for me. And if I cant keep going this way for the next few days, then slowly I will learn not to emotionally depend on him. I would have myself back.

Ning was always alot stronger than all this. Even if once in awhile, she does like to step into ditches..

God Bless

Fly me to the moon

U asked me if anyone had ever "flown you to the moon"... The honest answer is yes.

And that particular "trip" was a dream come true... of course it wasn't a real trip..but it meant the world to me..and maybe it still does.

It was our anniversary and he bought a hippo tour trip. Anyone may think that that is a silly anniversary present. But he did that because he knew that I wanted to go on a cruise and had never been on one. And because neither of us had money...all he could do was get a hippo tour ticket and promise me that one day, he would bring me on the real deal.

I was touched...and I loved that ride because I could be with the person I loved to death, on a boat...
This has got nothing to do with Titanic..

So today when u asked...I dont know why you would.. I dont know why you would ask if him and I ever fought... we didn't...

Do I miss my ex? Do I miss the hugs, kisses and affection? I do miss those things..but I miss the connection. I dont know if I miss the person himself but I miss every bit of that connection... whoever it is...

much as I really wish it would be you, I have to take a deep breathe and calm my heart down and remind myself why it can't be you.

And the time not spent with you, is time Im motivated to write my songs and practise my instruments. That not having you, motivates me to have more of myself...

I hate you, I love you, I hate that I want you, You want her, you need her, and I could never be her...

This song resonates with me. In my current situation. Only that the "her" is an unknown person right now.

This little conundrum and emotional storm within me...has grown into a tornado in the last few months and I may at points, be close to tears.

Which I guess would be a good thing..because this forces me, emotionally, to get back on my feet. Of course, that also means that I am slowly building this wall again. This little fortress of mine.

Slowly getting my heart straight again...

Coz I am quite tired of letting this heart of mine sit the rollercoaster anymore...

I am tired... I really am...Im tired of uncontrollably thinking abt him first thing in the morning...

It seems like the only way I got myself fully out of this conundrum, was to leave SG. Yet now that I am back..its come back in full force...

I need to stop thinking of this person, I need to stop letting his words play in my mind...I need to stop......

I need to block him out of my heart.... Almost feels like a breakup haha


I need to go back to God for that emotional stability..... I'm sorry Lord. I have forsaken you for a mortal man...

Be still this heart

I didnt need to know that he would be in the vicinity today...but I guess I do..
And my heart and head are in a scramble...

In the past few weeks, somehow our friendship has grown and if I see things from an objective perspective, Im pretty sure that he only sees me as a sister. He acts exactly like how i would to my student or brother...

The plan was to practise my keyboard today...

I guess the plan is to go with the flow and try to forget of his presence till he actually msges. Because its of course weird that Im the one who has to ask for a meet up. I just seems like he doesnt need me enough to ask for meet up. And if thats so, then he doesnt love me enough. he loves me only a sister,

With that, Im just gonna try to get over it..

God Bless

loving to death..

Having recently caught up with the guy that I actually do like, I now realized just how different it was hanging out with someone I love vs someone who was approaching this in the wrong way.... I guess the "nervousn and excited" syndrome only happens for people who impress me with character and humour.

This time, I left our meet up thinking " to death dude. loving you to death"
That said, this guy sees me as nothing but a sister... I guess... I can live with that. As long as I know that this guy doesn't just see me as an acquaintance, then I'm fine. I think.
After all, this person is really too dear to my heart for me to lose and I have lost a bestest best brother before and it pulled me down like quick sand. I gotta say that at times, it does feel like the time when I lost my bestest best brother.... only that now..I sorta know when I need to pull myself back from the edge...

Of course, I will be happy for him or them, when they finally find someone :) Because why shouldnt I? I'm sure I would have to learn to get used to not having the same amount of hangout time etc but the important thing is that they are happy.

As I told someone recently, I dont know if Im asking too much but all I want, is for the guy to be my best friend... the same person that I can speak anything to without thinking that he'll judge... that I can truly just be myself... Whom I wont feel like I'm taking precious time from.

Gonna leave this problem to God...

Ning

harder than I thought

After meeting up with a new friend recently...i learnt something about myself..

1) no matter how some may see intimacy as a common thing to share with others, I stand by the belief that it is only best shared with the one I love who loves me... only then would it be the sweetest. I dont see the pleasure in casual encounters... No amount of touch or deep stares or whispered words into my ears... would be able to make me forget the kind of feeling that I really want...

2) That the only way to my heart, was through honesty and humour.

No other way...

During that meet up, facing this new person, I couldnt help but think of my ex and the guy that I like... That the kind of satisfaction that I got from loving and being loved but either of these 2 guys, was way past anything that this new person would ever be able to give..through whichever method he tried...

The initial idea of turning away from these 2 amazing people that I love and finding another person for me... turned into a horrorendous episode that made me think of them even more. because I know/knew that at any point of time that I had them in my life. Whether they love me or not, that it was way more meaningful than this ridiculous episode that I got myself into.

Before I scare anyone, I am safe. Nothing bad happened. Only stuff that made me uncomfortable. very uncomfortable....

For the first time i realized just how strong i felt or still feel abt the relationship that I have for either of these 2 people that..kept me from straying into something I know Id regret...

I know am left to wonder..if it is never meant to be for me and either of these 2, then who would it be? The 3rd person who is actually able to penetrate into this tough fortress of mine... with his character, dreams, beliefs, humour... and whether Id ever get to find another person aside from the 2 that I found and lost...

Honestly, at the end of the meetup, the first 2 people that I wanted to contact, were either of the 2 guys that I love. But somehow I feel that either of them would probably berate me for being stupid enough to get myself into that predicament... Yet a small evil bit of me wonders if telling them would make them feel concerned for me... stand up for me, be angry at the guy for me, basically..feel for me... How foolish can I be at such an adult age...

But I've made my peace with this issue...it's taught me about myself... and about what was in my heart...
I made have retreated for now...but I guess, the only way to move forward, is to do so with greater caution and a keener eye...
Most importantly, I will try to out my trust in God... not myself anymore..